The Fundamentals of Family
by Hari-Aisu
Summary: Living day by day may become routine for some, but when you're artist extraordinaire Yagami Raito, it's anything but. Especially when you have 3 kids and a pervert to watch over... Then it's just downhill from there. Sequel to "Discordant Harmony"
1. An Itch You Just Can't Scratch

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter One: _An Itch You Just Can't Scratch_

* * *

Normally, Yagami Raito had more self-control than this.

The pretty brunette artist felt his eye twitch in annoyance as his lover continued to stare at him as if he had in some way managed to conjure up two new heads over his shoulders. Somehow, Raito knew the breathing exercises he had learned earlier on in their relationship would come in handy.

'Breath in… breathe out… Breathe in… Breathe-'

Large emery-colored eyes glistened with innocence as L shuffled a bit closer to his irate partner, hoping that the cute card would get Raito to forget just why he was mad. Bringing up his thumb to his lips, the slightly slimmer artist simply smiled up at his spouse as he reinforced his patented _Chibi-Look-of-Doom™_.

Though the mountain of trash covering almost every part of their once-neatly furnished apartment was a bit hard to forget when it was staring you right in the face, even more so when your 'cute' boyfriend whose manipulative acts were more annoying than precious was practically flaunting said mess whilst maintaining a half-assed grin on his face.

"Raito-kun?"

Eye twitch.

"Yes, Lawliet?"

"… … … Do we have anymore cake?"

'BREATHE FUCKING OUT!'

At long last, Raito felt the final vestiges of his self-control snap as his nostrils flared and his almond shaped eyes narrowed in contempt.

L gulped as his eyes widened in fear, backing up a couple of steps in automatic response to the suddenly frightening features enveloping Raito's face.

"Lawliet…"

Apparently, the cute face had done nothing but anger the sexy beast even further.

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP AND CLEAN UP YOUR DAMN MESS!"

L pouted as he scuffed his bare foot against their wood-paneled floor, wondering why his lover always seemed to have a stick up his ass. The dark-haired artist blinked as he nibbled onto his thumb, not noticing the murderous look on his boyfriend's face doubling in intent as the perverted grin on his face seemed to blossom unconsciously.

Maybe that wasn't such a bad comparison…

"Raito-kun looks stressed." L finally concluded, shifting through the mountain of trash tickling his bare feet. This was exactly why he had told Raito that they would need a maid… "Perhaps he is in need of some my quality lovin'?"

"_Raito-kun_ is **stressed** because his boyfriend is **lazy** and does not want to **clean** his own **mess**!" Raito began to pick up various soda cans and Debbie cake wrappings as he walked around the slim sugar-addict, his OCD kicking into high gear. "And no, am I not in need of your 'quality lovin'! Honestly L, I shouldn't have to chase after you as if you were some kind of child! You're 31 years old for God's sakes!"

L scuffed his bare feet against the wood-paneled floor.

"That's what the butlers were recommended for…" L mumbled as Raito glared at him from the corner of his eye. "Stupid trash interrupting my groove time…"

"What was that Lawliet?"

"Nothing, Raito-kun…"

Grabbing the large garbage bag that was lying across the couch, Raito proceeded to dump the random bits of trash decorating the floor within it whilst L cocked his head to the side and stared.

"Raito-kun looks unnaturally hot even whilst picking up trash."

Raito felt his eye twitch.

"No."

"No what, Raito-kun?"

"No, I will not have sex with you." The utterly sexy 24-year-old that was Raito tossed his head to the side as he blew his bangs away from his face, somehow managing to do this in utterly sexy slow motion.

Yes… Raito was so hot, that he could conjure up slow-motion within seconds.

L pouted, once again denied his god given right to molest said hotness moving within slow-motion.

"Raito-kun is being prudish again…"

"And Lawliet-chan is being dickish again…" Raito echoed back, throwing the garbage bag on the ground in a fit of rage, face flushing attractively as L felt his lips twitch upward in both amusement and…

Well, the second emotion should have been pretty obvious at this point by the creepiness of the smile.

"L, get that fucking disturbing smile off your face and get over here now!"

The grin on L's face spread even further as he walked over to his lover, now envisioning a set of handcuffs and a paddle within his lover's hands as Raito's ire began to bubble over to the extreme…

_**SMACK!**_

_CRASH!_

"I SAID GET THAT CREEPY SMILE OFF YOUR FACE, MISTER!" Flames of doom appeared within Raito's molten amber gaze as L rubbed the back of his head, his libido deflated (along with a much more important part of L) for the time being. "Almost seven months of living together, and I still feel like your damn mother, L!"

"Raito-kun is being cold now." L stated as he got off the floor (a place usually Raito and his scrumptious ass inhabited), frowning as he attempted to dust off his posterior, pieces of lint stubbornly clinging to the back of his jeans and cake-stained tee-shirt. "Though I do see Raito-kun's point about cleanliness…"

"No wonder my parents never want to come here…" Raito muttered to himself as he rubbed his temples in exhaustion.

The dark-haired pervert gained his grin once more.

"I always thought that was more attributed to the first night they visited us here, Raito-kun." L slyly crept closer to the traumatized 24-year-old as he blinked, eyes gaining a slightly far-away sight to them.

"L…" The auburn-haired artist growled as he felt the worn look on his face mold into a heavy-set glare. "Don't you dare remind me of the '_Incident_'. I still have nightmares about it to this day."

Before Raito could slip away from his grasp, L tackled the poor man onto the floor, eyes narrowing in deviousness.

Raito proceeded to melt into the floor as he felt himself inevitably sweat drop.

God damn L in all his sexy glomp-age...

"L, this is not going to get you in my pants."

"I believe the hand already within Raito-kun's pants contradicts said statement." L happily hummed as he fingers managed to squeeze between Raito's delicious skin and his impossibly tight pants.

"You don't ever change, do you?" The exasperated tone within Raito's voice just made him all the more delectable to L as the smirk grew on his perpetually blank face.

"I do not think Raito-kun would ever wish for me to change." The randy artist replied as he pressed closer to Raito, burying his head within the crook of his lover's neck. "Besides, the night I told Raito-kun's family who I really was did not go as badly as Raito-kun says. I believe it could have gone much, much worse."

Raito sighed as weaved a hand within L's dark locks and nodded. Thinking back on that horrible night still gave him the shivers, though…

And not the good kind either.

* * *

_**Seven Months Prior…**_

* * *

Raito smiled as he finally wiped his hands on the dish rag by the sink, proud of the work completed on both his and L's new residence. Tonight was the unveiling of both their combined work on the apartment itself and L's true identity to his parents, and Raito couldn't have been more excited. This would really cement everything he had worked so hard to gain within both his and L's relationship with one another, along with L's relationship with his family…

Raito smiled as he heard the door sliding open, his lover greeting his family in a more up-beat version of his monotone voice.

"Ah! Hello Sachiko-san, it's very nice to see you… hello Sayu-chan, hopefully all is well in university... and last but not least, father-san has decided to grace us with his undeniable presence once more. It's truly wonderful to see you all once again in our newly christened abode."

Though it would definitely be all the easier to do said cementing if L would stop trying to purposely bait his damn father in the process.

"GODDAMN YOU, RYUUZAKI! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT?!"

Soichirou felt his eye twitch as Raito entered the living room behind his boyfriend-turned-live-in-roommate, sweat dropping in variable exasperation.

"Hello, everyone." Raito rolled his eyes as Soichirou continued to glare at L, L continued to ignore Soichirou's glare and glance over his own shoulder to stare down at Raito's crotch, Sachiko shook her own head in exasperation and Sayu proceeded to laugh maniacally in the background.

Yup… another day, another disaster just waiting to happen.

"I'm glad you guys were able to make it over on such short notice." Raito explained as he inched his way away from both L and Soichirou and towards his mother, who seemed to be the only sane one in the family as Sayu continued to eye him evilly with a strange grin stretching across her face. "We have a lot we need to talk to you about."

"As do we, Raito." Soichirou briskly countered as he sat down on the fairly expensive looking couch, still scowling over at L. "Though your mother and sister may be fine with it, I still think you're making a huge mistake in moving in with Ryuuzaki so early in your relationship."

"We've been together for almost a year now." L dryly stated, his inner-crazy settling down for the time being. "I did not know that we were both rushing into this relationship all at once."

"Ryuuzaki…" Soichirou growled. "For once, this has nothing to do with you and your perverted tendencies, so please shut the hell up. I just think that perhaps-"

"Perhaps I should stop having sex with your son and allow him to magically turn into a heterosexual even though his uke-ness and collection of hair products will not allow such thing to ever happen?"

"PERHAPS you two should wait before you take this next big step!"

"Why would either of us wish to wait? Now, I have Raito-kun available for all of my 'needs' 24-7." L pondered for a moment, finger tapping against his chin before glancing down at his own crotch. "In fact, I am feeling one of those needs right about no-"

"Excuse me!"

"You're excused. Now if you'll 'excuse' the both of us…"

"COULD YOU BOTH PLEASE SHUT UP AND JUST SIT DOWN ALREADY!"

Raito blinked.

Sayu blinked.

L blinked.

Soichirou gawked.

Sachiko coughed as she brushed the imaginary dirt off of her dress.

"Raito, honey, you had something to tell us?" Sachiko turned towards her first and only son, gazing on in amusement as he shook his head in bewilderment.

"Uh… yeah." Raito cleared his throat as he changed his mind and moved a bit closer towards Sayu. Better the evil he knew than the one he didn't.

Though even Sayu looked taken off-guard, so what the hell did he know?

"Are they all high?" Sayu whispered towards Raito whilst clutching a couch pillow to her chest.

'I wish...' The light-haired 24-year-old thought to himself as he picked at his nails, sweat dripping down the back of his neck in a sign of true nervousness on his part.

"It's about both Ryuuzaki and I, really. We have something really important we want to share with you all…" Raito blushed as L practically rushed towards him, jumping beside him on the couch (and basically on his damn lap as Raito attempted to stifle his face fault just as his father's eye began to twitch erratically).

"YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED!" Sayu suddenly screamed as she jumped up into the air out of the blue. "Yay for Gay Rights! I'll plan the bachelorette party with some sexy man-strippers, and the S&M-themed wedding, along with a complete soundtrack from ABBA! _'You are the dancing queen, young and sweet; only seventeen, oh yeah…'_"

"Grr… Sayu… I didn't say-"

"WHAT?! Did you just- And did she just- And, and… WHAT THE FUCK?!"

"Won't you listen to m-"

"Raito, this is so sudden! I mean, I've been given no time to prepare whatsoever! I suppose I'll just have to get everything ready on the fly, I suppose…"

"Mom, I didn't-"

"RAITO-AND-RYUUZAKI-GAY-SEX-FOREVER, BIATCHES!"

"SAYU, SIT DOWN! RAITO, EXPLAIN! **NOW**!"

"I would love to if everyone in the damn room would give me a chance to speak!" Raito growled out, joining his sister and parents in standing as the whole Yagami bunch began speaking all at once.

L blinked in both slight shock and bewilderment.

"I DON'T CARE HOW LONG YOU TWO HAVE BEEN GOING OUT, THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY IN HELL THIS IS-"

"Yes! I can finally collect all the money owed to me from all the bets made! Now if only you guys managed to put dad into cardiac arrest, I'd be a freaking millionaire-"

"Raito, I can't believe you didn't even tell me of all people-"

"There's nothing like that to really _tell_, mother! I didn't say_-_"

The dark-haired artist sighed before getting up and chewing on his thumb, no one even noticing him leaving the room. He wondered if Raito had made the cupcakes he had promised he was going to make…

L felt his eye twitch as the screams grew exponentially from their posh living room.

If not… there was going to be hell to pay.

"MAN-LOVE! MAN-LOVE! RAITO'S GETTING SOME PERMANENT MAN-LOVE! GO RAITO'S SMEXY ASS!"

"Oh Dear… Sayu…"

"I need pictures. Raito, you shall be a beautiful blushing bride, and Ryuuzaki shall be the raging groom whipping out his humongous penis in front of everyone before running off with you into the sunset." The glittering twinkles now coating his little sister's eyes were literally scaring Raito shitless as he began to back away from the unstable yaoi fan that was Sayu. "And yes… you shall be man-raped, dearest brother. Though we all know you'll loveit in the _rear_ en-"

"SAYU, ENOUGH! Now Raito, I have accepted more than I ever thought I'd _ever_ had to with this relationship, but this is just too much! What's next, you popping kids out of your ass while Ryuuzaki plays the Keytar in the background?!" Soichirou finally exploded, causing everyone within the room to stare at him for a moment.

"What a minute, did you just say _Keytar_? Seriously, dad? The flipping Keytar?" Sayu glanced at the man, irked from having been interrupted her gloating time by that of all things. "What are we, in the 1980's?! I think our minds have quite honestly taken a nosedive for the worse since you came up with that lame analogy."

"Made of 100 percent pure fail?" Raito whispered as their father simmered in the background.

"Fail to the thousandth power, hon." Sayu agreed, already planning just where she would implant the cameras within the young men's apartment after they came back from their honeymoon. It was 'Sexy Raito and Perverted Ryuuzaki All the Time' TV, baby!

She could see the obscene amounts of cash now…

"You are all missing the point!" The middle-aged father bellowed as he finally threw his car keys onto the floor (Raito's precious and brand-spanking _new_ hardwood floor) and nearly tore his hair off of his head in an attempt to calm his rabid rage. "Look, I kept my calm when you introduced Ryuuzaki to the family-"

"More like nearly killed him at the dining room table when big bro here was performing his Strip-Tease-à-la-Raito." Sayu muttered as Raito sighed to himself, wondering if he was ever going to be able to live that down.

"I didn't explode at him when that stupid news broadcast announcing your supposed gayness almost cost me my _job_-"

"Since he had nothing to do with it, and we weren't anywhere near you at the time… thank the lords above." Raito then interjected, wishing he had been born into a _stable_ home environment and not this little psycho shop of horrors.

"And I didn't murder him in cruel and unusual ways once you finally announced you were finally going to move in with him-"

"Since Raito's perfectly of age, and he's been gay long before _you_ ever came to terms with it, darling." Sachiko finally added in, appalled at her husband's completely irrational behavior.

"_Anyways_, I think enough is enough! I will not stand by and watch my only son disgrace himself by marrying someone who looks as if he needs both a shower and a rabies shot!" Soichirou grabbed his son by the shoulders and shook him harshly. "Couldn't you have least chosen someone as hot and sexy as yourself?!"

"Dad." Raito gave the man a thoroughly scared look as he brushed his hands off his shoulders and backed away a good ten paces. "I think you need to see a psychiatrist for your crazy."

"I am not crazy yet!" Soichirou bellowed. "And if I truly am, then you only have yourself and your extremely perverted and outlandish boyfriend to blame!"

"Did someone call me?" L blinked as he shuffled within the room once again, smudges of icing and cake crumbs hanging off his lips and cheeks and… well, just about his whole face.

Raito did not need to know how L had managed to get the excess icing into his hair and smeared across his forehead, knowing that would only somehow manage to scar him even further.

"Nope, future brother-in-law." Sayu grinned as Soichirou grimaced once more, face an abnormal shade of purple.

L then shuffled into the living room, eyes then gleaming with trace amounts of pseudo-tears as a bowl with small bits of icing hanging off the rim was held within his pale spidery hands, Raito too preoccupied in backing away from his now creepy father to have noticed.

"More cupcakes, Rai-chan?"

The younger of the two men sweat dropped as he shook his head, knowing without a shadow of a doubt that he was in for the temper tantrum of a lifetime.

"Cupcakes?" Soichirou echoed.

Whether it would be from his father or his lover, had yet to be decided.

"I am having a mental and nervous breakdown thinking about you and my only too-good-for-you-son spending the rest of your lives together… AND YOU'RE POUTING ABOUT CUPCAKES?!"

L blinked.

"Father-san needs to either get laid or get a drink." The childish pervert blandly stated as he eyed the crumbs decorating the inside of the bowl he was holding. "Since Sachiko-san is much too proper to do that here, and I doubt father-san would drink anything I myself had to offer, I suppose leading him to the upstairs bathroom so that he may go relieve himself would be the only acceptable thing to do."

Sayu stifled a giggle as both she and Sachiko watched Soichirou's face turn a rather obscene shade of bluish-greenish-purple in rapt fascination.

Raito wondered if he should have just gotten drunk before his family had come over to have saved himself the trouble later.

"Raito, this is the man you want to get married to and live the rest of your life with?!" The older man pointed a finger towards the pale artist now licking the bowl free of icing, eyes rimmed with dark circles as he blinked owlishly.

Raito sweat dropped.

'Unfortunately…'

"Who said we were getting married?" L suddenly stated after a particularly long lick, taking Soichirou, Sayu and Sachiko completely off-guard. "Raito-kun simply stated he wished to tell all of you something of extreme importance… when did he actually specify that there would be a wedding involved in said speech?"

"Uh…"

"Well…"

"I didn't… hm…"

L gave an obnoxiously loud slurp as he gave the bowl one final lick.

"You need not worry. Neither Raito-kun nor I am getting married…"

"YES!"

"NO!"

"O… k…"

"Yet." L smirked as Soichirou glared over at the man who had interrupted his small victory dance, which had continued to creep Raito out with his random pelvic thrusting and distorted version of the electric slide.

"I think I'm going to be sick…" Raito muttered as he sat down and held his head within his hands, wondering just where, oh where, he had gone oh so wrong in his life. Glancing up at his glaring father and smirking lover, the bootylicious artist had to wonder if he had done something horrible in a previous lifetime to deserve a fate such as this.

Raito preferred to ignore the ominous thunderclap reverberating just outside the apartment as he thought this, knowing no good would come out of that either.

"Well, there goes my plans for fantastic man-strippers…" Sayu sighed as she sat down. "Damn you Ryuuzaki for bringing down my hopes and dreams."

L's eye twitched at the thought of men jiggling their stuff in front of his lover.

Yeah… if they ever got married, that would be a definite no-no.

"I can't believe I'm saying this…" Soichirou began, still glaring at L with such unadulterated abhorrence that Raito felt as if his boyfriend was going to spontaneously melt into the floor any minute now. "But thank you, Ryuuzaki."

"You're welcome, father-san. Besides," L threw the bowl over his shoulder, ignoring the sickening crash permeating throughout the living room once it hit the floor (or the wince Raito sent in his direction as he glanced back at the ceramic shards of clay now decorating his once-pretty floor) as he stared at Soichirou with his normal blasé stare. "I hear that sex becomes nearly infrequent once you get married. And I cannot imagine not getting my daily dose of Raito-ass whenever I craved for it."

Sayu's insane laughter was ignored as Sachiko also had to stifle her own onset of giggles with fake coughs, wondering if her husband was ever going to get a moment's peace with Ryuuzaki as his 'self-proclaimed' son-in-law.

"I… did not need to know that." Soichirou slowly proclaimed as he tried to control his now erratic breathing. "And who says that your sex life goes south once you get married?! I'll have you know-"

"La, la, la, la, I CAN'T HEAR YOU!" Sayu suddenly started screaming as Sachiko's cheeks turned a bright magenta. "La, la, la, MAKE HIM STOP TALKING!"

L and Raito both paled simultaneously as memories long forgotten were then… remembered.

Well, that settled it. L wasn't going to have sex for a long time after this conversation.

"That once Sachiko and I got married, our sex life was off the charts-"

"WHY IS HE STILL TALKING?!"

"Raito-kun…" L inched closer to his lover, laying his head down on his lap as he sat down on the couch alongside his boyfriend. "I think I am going to be sick as well."

"And let me tell you, even after being married for as long as we have been, we can **still** get 'Jiggy Wit It', if you know what I mean-"

"Oh dear God, I've been officially turned off for the rest of my life." Sayu muttered as Sachiko hid her face behind her hand. "Parental old people sex… Ew."

"I second that 'ew' and a raise you an 'ugh'." L muttered as he buried his face even deeper within the confines of Raito's lap.

The younger of the two felt the last restraints of his self-control snap as his eye twitched in annoyance.

Raito, after one too many crazy comments, just finally couldn't take it anymore.

"For the love of all that's holy, will you people stop acting like a bunch of crazy fruit loops and just listen when I say that-"

"_**No matter how hard I try, you keep pushing me aside and I can't break through-there's no talking to you…"**_

Raito sweat dropped.

"_**So sad that you're leaving; takes time to believe it, but after all is said and done, you're gonna be the lonely one, Ohh Oh…"**_

"Damn you, Sayu."

The young girl grinned as she examined her fingernails, quite sure she was awesome in just about every way possible.

"_**Do you believe in life after love?! I can feel something inside me say 'I really don't think you're strong enough', now-"**_

"Hello?!" Raito shouted into the phone from hell as he snapped it open with a slight twitch, hating it with every fiber of his completely sexy being.

"…"

"… Hello?" Raito tried once more as pure silence continued to invade the phone waves.

"…"

Raito rolled his eyes, quite sure he was destined to be surrounded by both insane people and hideous ring tones.

"… Mikami-kun, how did you get this number?"

"… … Raito-sama sounds so pretty when he's grouchy. Has he forgiven me yet for kidnapping him while he was still naked and glistening and totally smexy from his shower?"

L felt his eye twitch as Raito sweat dropped once again.

"Mikami-kun, I am hanging up now, and quite possibly hoping to never speak to you again. Now, if you don't stop stalking me and doing whatever the hell it is you do with my image in your spare time, I am going to let Ryuuzaki chase you down and mutilate you and your manhood beyond comprehension." Raito stroked his lover's hair as L continued to pout childishly. "Am I being clear enough for you in saying that you're both weird and creepy beyond even MY standards of normal and never wish to come in contact with you ever again?"

"… … Crystal."

"Perfect. Now go… do whatever it is you do when your not working, you creepy person you. And stop hiding behind random bushes without pants on! I don't need to see your ass whenever I walk by the damn park in the mornings!"

Without another word, Raito turned off his phone and threw it at the other side of the room…

Where it zoomed into the air and hit his father across the forehead.

Oops.

"Raito!"

Raito uselessly pointed a finger in his hysterical sister's direction as she fell onto the ground in insane glee.

Well, at least somebody was having the time of their lives.

"… Err… Sayu did it?"

"Raito-kun is in trouble…"

"Why do I always get blamed for everything?" The young college student pouted as she crossed her arms across her chest.

"I think it is because you usually are the one responsible for such things, Sayu-chan." L answered blandly, watching the young girl automatically perk up in amusement.

"This is true…"

"Can we please get back to what I was talking about _before_ all this craziness invaded my apartment?!" Raito finally snapped, almost throwing L off the couch as he slammed his open palms against the couch's cushions. "I don't think I can take any of this anymore, since I'm apparently not only traumatized for life, but quite sure I won't ever be able to get an erection ever again due to the weird and mind-scarring images stuck in my head and psychotic stalkers that don't know when to throw in the damn towel! And no, no damn pun intended!"

"I concur." Raito's entangled other half mumbled as he rubbed his abused nose with his hand, wondering if cushions could give bruises. "I must admit, I did not expect all of this would happen when I agreed to share my true identity with all of you on Raito-kun's behalf."

Instantly, the room became instantly quiet as soon as L finished his sentence.

"True… identity?" Sayu picked herself up from off the floor and gave L a dubious stare. "You mean, Ryuuzaki isn't your real… name?"

"This is correct." L sat up into his normal childish crouch and stared at the three Yagami whose attention he had now managed to capture. "Ryuuzaki is simply a pseudonym, if you will. My true name is only disclosed to people I have come to trust, as the tabloids and press are simply just aching to get their hands on any information in concerns to myself…"

"And Raito knows your real name?" Sachiko turned her sights over to her blushing son who nodded in agreement. "And for how long have you known, Raito? For all we know…"

"For all we know, Ryuuzaki is some kind of perverted homicidal maniac who likes hacking up sexy gay men in his spare time!" Soichirou explained, once again making his son stare at him as if he was psychotic.

"Err…"

"He has known my name for about four months now, but has known about my true identity for about eight months and maybe some days…"

"Wait, wait, wait… why are you talking about your identity and name as if they are two separate entities?" Sayu questioned as the mischievous artist then smiled.

"Well, in a way they are both the same, and yet different. If it helps to break everything down… then I must tell you all, before someone else interrupts with some insane comment… that I am the anonymous artist simply known as L."

The room broke out into silence as three pairs of eyes stared wide-eyed at the pale 31-year-old internally sighing at the automatic reaction each Yagami gave him.

"I knew it was genetic…" L muttered as a good three minutes passed and still no one moved, thinking of the first time L had admitted to Raito just who the auburn-haired man had been dealing with.

Raito held his head within his hands once more, wondering if he was ever going to be cut a break in his life.

"Raito-kun… about those cupcakes?"

Well, that answered that question.

"Oh, go fuck yourself L."

"Only if Raito-kun promises to join in on the fun later on."

_**Whack!**_

_**CRASH!**_

"Stupid pervert."

* * *

_**Flash to the Present…**_

* * *

"God, if we ever move, I am so not telling any of them the address or phone number. In fact, phones shall be banned from our house along with any electronical-devices that can be used to communicate with the outside world, period." Raito whispered as L pressed a kiss against the pulse of his neck.

"What about Raito-kun's mother? She is nice and sane…" L mumbled against the soft patch of skin he was currently molesting with his mouth as he lightly bit the now tender spot, liking the way the growing red mark accented the younger man's caramel skin tone.

"But says things without thinking, sometimes." Raito ignored the blush now encasing his cheeks as he pushed his lover off of him, eyes still scanning the intense messiness of their formerly pristine apartment. "Now stop invading my personal space and help me clean up, you big perverted panda."

"But Raito-kuuuuuun…" The pout had little affect as Raito smiled down at the man still sitting on the floor, looking as if he had just been denied his favorite kind of sweet in the entire world.

Which he had, but still, Raito had his OCD to consider here.

"Once you get everything cleaned up, I'll give you all the lovin' in the world. We'll even do that role-play game you've been wanting to act out so freaking much-"

"You mean the one where you're an infamous mass-murderer with a partially hidden God complex who loves both inner monologues and laughing insanely to himself on occasion and is given a supernatural weapon that mysteriously kills people with just a name and face and I'm the world-famous detective who constantly suspects you even though there is no real substantial evidence pointing in your direction and is challenging you in order to save the world from your tyrannical rule?!"

Raito stared at his lover, quirking his eyebrow in confusion.

"Sure…?"

A blur of blue, white and black zoomed by Raito as L quickly shuffled around the room in a whirlwind of excitement, the small grin on his face breaking the usually grim demeanor the artist so loved to scare people with.

'O… k…'

Not even five minutes later, the entire room was sparkling.

"I'll get the handcuffs and lube!"

Raito sweat dropped.

Here he was, living with the man of his dreams (that was still under some debate, actually, but Raito would be damned if someone else came along that was more perfect for him than L, sadly enough) and having the time of his life, even if he at times said otherwise. Raito was definitely living it up to the fullest…

Yet why did it still feel as if something was missing?

Sighing, Raito pushed the thought to the side, quite sure that the emo-ness was a result of either not enough coffee or too much introspection. As L rushed down the stairs and grabbed him by the hand, Raito laughed the feeling off as nonsense and followed his impatient lover to their bedroom.

He had L.

Honestly, what else did he need?

"And Raito-kun does not get to miraculously get his way out of this sexing-up session as he did the last time we were in the middle of business when Misa came over for a surprise shopping visit! As a result of his stubborn insolence, Raito-kun does not get to have a safety word if things get too intense!"

"What?! With your crazy ass, a safety word is a most definite **requirement**, damn it! You're too kinky for your own good!"

Yes, what else did Raito need other than this?

"Raito-kun is no fun…"

He had everything right within the palm of his sexy, sexy hand…

"Damn pervert…"

Or so he'd like to think, anyway.

* * *

Disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, I don't own Death Note, blah, blah, nor do I own "Dancing Queen" by ABBA (which is super gay) nor do I own "Believe" by Cher (Which is so gay, I don't even know where to start). Yeah... that's about it. Lol!

So... was I missed?

((Hears crickets in the background))

Lovely. Lol!

Ah, I poke so much fun at everything in this AU, and really, I love this universe for allowing me to do so without seeming like a great big jack-ass. XD For those who didn't get it, the 'marriage' bit was a bit of a poke in the ribs to all of those reviewers who always suggested that such an event should take place in the DH universe. Whether it will or won't, is question left for another day. And did you spot the past references to both DH, CSS and ((cough))? I truly am awesome. Lol! Awesomely overrated, anyways. XD

So... Over the top? Yes. Completely on par with DH's rampant random humor? Definitely. The beginning of the end of my sanity? I should hope so. Lol! I know, I know... I'm insane. But, you all still love me (maybe? o.o) right? Yeah... just let me believe that. Get excited people, because I'm baaaaaaack...


	2. Taking Things One Step at a Time

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Two: _Taking Things One Step at a Time_

* * *

"Raito, stop it."

"... Stop what?"

"It. Stop it."

"Ok, now what exactly am I stopping, again?"

"**It**, damn you, **it**! Stop it, you gigantic piece of delicious fruitcake that loves to take it from all sides!

Raito sniffed indignantly at the air, barely giving the person sitting across the table from him a small glare of acknowledgment.

"I still have no idea what 'it' is you are talking about. And stop calling me a fruitcake. You know that I like to think of myself as more of a scrumptious slice of decadent cheesecake, you ass."

Sayu sighed as her brother prissily glanced off to the side, his cup of coffee lying on the table perfectly untouched.

"Of course you don't know what I'm talking about." The young girl muttered before giving her brother a dubious look. "You never do, after all."

"And what's that supposed to mean?!" The 'supposedly' older sibling glowered as Sayu daintily studied her nails, barely giving her brother a second glance.

"Besides the obvious?"

"... You are the Queen of all Bitches, you know that?"

Sayu laughed maniacally as a waitress passed by them, giving the conniving girl an odd glance as she placed another thermos of coffee down at their table before scurrying off to the next sanest table available.

Raito envied that waitress very much at the moment.

"Just a question, Raito, but are you on your period today by any chance? You seem to be acting much more bitchier today more so than usual."

Very much indeed.

Raito felt his eye twitch as he finally picked up his, now very cold, cup of coffee, holding back his grimace at the acidic taste.

Maybe he was on his period...

Raito blinked.

What the hell was Sayu doing to him?

'Besides the obvious?'

Raito sweat dropped.

"Seriously," The cinnamon-eyed girl leaned forward on the table, long brown hair barely brushing the smooth surface as she glared over at her brother, pretty features set into a frown. "What the hell is the matter with you, pretty boy?"

"I… just don't know." Raito muttered, anger deflated for the time being. Sayu felt the frown slip off her face as she stared at the beautiful man's empty stare. "I just feel like something is… missing."

"_Look mommy, a pretty car!" _

Sayu and Raito ignored the child that ran by them as a disgruntled mother grabbed his hand and began to stomp out of the restaurant.

"_Mommy, why don't we have a car like that?!" _

"_Because when you were decided to come into this world, you ferociously stomped on mommy's hopes and dreams, honey, so now we're broke and I suffer lonely, lonely nights alone and unloved."_

"… _Uh…"_

"_Oh Pablo, where are you now?"_

_"Isn't daddy's name Fernando?"_

_"... ... ... Exactly." _

_"O... k..."_

"Missing in your relationship, then?" The young girl commented, for once worried about her too-hot-for-this-world brother. He had never actually been in a relationship that had lasted this long (Mikami's stalking did not count in the least), so for him, this was both extremely new and awkward. Hell, she didn't even think he'd managed to get past being someone for more than a month stage, let alone the whole 'moving in' dilemma. Her brother was actually managing to hold onto a steady relationship...

Kind of took her breath away if she really thought about it.

But Sayureally didn't give a crap about all that irrelevant shit. This 'problem' her brother seemed to be having took center stage, and it was quite obvious that he didn't have a hell of a clue as to what the heck was the matter within his prissy little world full of flowers, lace and perverted anonymous artists.

And knowing her brother, on top of all of that, he probably hadn't even spoken to L about what could have caused whatever potential problems it could have been he was trying to work through…

Dear sweet man-meat, being Raito's sister was way more difficult than it was worth.

"Just… missing within my life as a whole. I honestly don't think it has anything to do with L." Raito mumbled as he fiddled with the handle of his coffee cup. "At least, I hope it has nothing to do with him… God knows what would happen in that scenario..."

"_I don't want a popsicle, I want a snow cone!"_

Another child stomped past the two siblings as Raito sighed, rubbing his temples with vigor.

"_They don't SELL snow cones! I've told you this seventeen thousand times already!"_

"_I. WANT. A. SNOWCONE!!"_

"_And I wish I'd have gotten a vasectomy when I had had a chance, but we all can't get what we want, now can we?!"_

"_Stupid parents with their stupid popsiclesand over-productive penises…"_

"Well, if it isn't your relationship (though with all that sexy man-lovin' I doubt you guys are even capable of having problems at this point), then what could else could it be? Do you think maybe it's your job?" Sayu smiled over her exasperated companion. "Life as an artist just not cutting it anymore?"

"Shut the hell up, Child of Satan." The super sexy brunette snapped, ignoring the baby now crying just behind him as their father banged their head against the table. "It's not my damn job."

"_GOOOGOOO GAHHHHHHHHH!"_

"_COULD SOMEBODY PLEASE JUST SHUT THIS DEMON-CHILD UP!"_

"_Honey, please…"_

"_Mooooom, I want another piece of apple pie!"_

"_Not now, sweetie! You've already have had two pieces of cake, a slice of apple pie, five cookies, and eight pieces of candy! Enough is enough!"_

"_Aw… fudgicles and whip cream." _

"… … _I think I went poopie in my pants again, daddy." _

"_NOOOOOOO!"_

_Sweat drop. _

"_What the fuck did they put in the coffee and milk today?! Ecstasy and weed?!"_

"… _Then why didn't they put any in my coffee?! Damn you, café! Damn you to hell!"_

"_Oh sweet mother of god…"_

"Than what could it be, Raito? This is getting pretty annoying, pretty fast!" Raito stared at the young girl glaring at him, wondering himself just why he was in a funk.

"_Daddy, could I get some pancakes?" _

"_Sweety, we're on the Lunch menu now." _

"_But… I want pancakes."_

"_Darling, I'm sorry, but-"_

"_I WANT PANCAAAAAAKKKKEEEESSSSS, YOU MOFO!"_

_Double Sweat drop_

"… … … … _Can we have some pancakes, please?"_

"_Yay!"_

Raito sighed once more before turning his head to the side and catching sight of a young father cradling his small daughter on his lap as he cut a piece of chicken and gave her the fork, watching her giggle as he did so. A pool of warmth traveled down his gut as the dark-haired man smiled down at his child, ruffling her long pale brown locks with a tender hand.

"Raito?"

'I want that… don't I?'

The small brown-haired girl giggled as her mother returned back to the table, smiling down at her child as the father placed her aside and gave his supposed wife a small peck on the mouth, looking as content as could be.

"Raito, are you ok?"

'I want…'

Barely giving Sayu a flick of the hand, Raito kept his gaze on the heart-warming scene in front of him.

It looked like… like…

A sudden picture of both himself and L sitting down at the same booth with a nameless child between them popped within his head, almost taking his breath away completely.

It looked like fulfillment.

'I want a family of my own.'

The revelation nearly knocked him out of his chair as Raito felt his eyes widen in response.

"Raito! What the hell?!"

The undeniably hot artist cleared his throat as abruptly stood up, startling the poor girl out of her wits as he did so.

"I've got to go."

"But-"

"I'll talk to you later, Sayu."

"Rai-"

"See ya around."

"-to."

Sayu blinked as she stared at her brother's retreating form, wondering just what it was he was thinking.

'I knew all those gay jokes were going to make him crack one day…'

"_Oh my God, don't you kids ever do anything other than bicker?!"_

"_Why, oh why, didn't I just abort?"_

"_My poor shattered self-confidence!"_

Sayu sweat dropped as she grabbed her purse and walked out of the chaotic café, hoping to never set foot in the place ever again.

This place put even her own crazy to shame.

* * *

Raito sighed as he walked down the park, eyes closing in contemplation.

He knew what he wanted.

He definitely knew what he wanted.

The problem now lied within one person…

'Would L really say yes to this? And if he doesn't… what do I do then?'

If only there was a manual for this kind of thing.

Raito continued to walk on as he thought about his predicament and just how this want seemed to have spurt out of nowhere.

Though if Raito was a bit more honest with himself, he knew saying the word 'nowhere' was a bit of an over-exaggeration…

* * *

"_L?" Raito paused, his hands hovering over the faucet of the sink as the sudsy remains clung to both the smooth surface and his perfectly manicured hands. "Can I ask you something?" _

"_Yes, Rai-chan?" L sweetly desponded as he bit into his chocolate éclair. _

_Raito felt his hand twitch in annoyance before he composed himself and kept on his train of thought. _

"_Have you ever thought about what it would have been like having your own family growing up as a child?" _

_L blinked, éclair halfway from his mouth as bits of cream hung from his lips. _

"_But… Raito-kun is my family. So therefore, I lack nothing of the sort now to really become introspective in such a manner." _

_Raito felt his heart melt in a mere instant as an 'Oh my God, you're so cute I want to kiss you!' lay on the tip of his tongue. _

"_That, and Raito-kun's ass is a good distraction from any sort of depressing thought of that sort." L nodded as he licked his lips, once again biting into the éclair as if it were the best thing in the whole wide world. "If ever I were to fall into such a line of thinking, one thought about Raito-kun's delectable rear-end would make me feel better in seconds. At times, I think your behind may actually hold miraculous attributes, as that may explain a lot about Raito-kun's smexy sexiness." _

_Only to feel his heart harden once more as a 'You fucking perverted bastard, why the hell do I sleep with you?!' made its appeal known as Raito felt his eye twitch._

"_I'm being serious, you dufus!" The younger of the two turned about face, glaring at his significant other._

_L blinked once more. _

"_As am I, Raito-kun. You're ass is absolutely phenomenal, and that is most definitely no lie." _

_Raito sweat dropped, then deciding that the impending headache and loss of momentary sanity just around the horizon was not even worth it for the continuation of this particular conversation. _

_With that thought in mind, Raito cleaned off his hands and walked out of the room, muttering something about 'Overly excitable pandas'. _

_L simply shrugged and finished off his éclair, quite sure he would never understand his lover in all his prissiness. _

* * *

Raito sighed to himself as a child ran past him, staring at them in longing.

So maybe this feeling wasn't _that_ unprecedented…

"_**Stacks on deck; Patrone on ice, and we can pop bottles all night, baby, you could have whatever you like (you like). I said you could have whatever you like (you like). Yeah…"**_

The young artist, barely even affected by the crappy song lyrics at this point, pulled his cell phone out of his pocket, staring down at the name now officially dubbed with the crappiest song of the day.

_Mr. McBigCoxUpUrAss_

Raito sweat dropped.

'Sayu, you are so fucking dead…'

"_**Late night sex; so wet, it's so tight… I'll gas up the jet for you tonight, baby, you could go wherever you like (you like). I said you could go wherever you like (you like)… Yeah…"**_

"Hello?"

"Raito-kun!" L's voice loudly echoed off the phone, making Raito wince at the sudden volume of his lover's tone. "Where are you? Sayu said you left her at the café nearly two and a half hours ago…"

"I just had to get some things done, but I'll be home soon."

Raito blinked as another child ran past him, this one giggling in glee as a person close to Raito's age panted out of breath as they chased after them.

"I shall await Raito-kun's presence with handcuffs in hand."

The smexy brunette sighed as he sat down on the nearest bench in the vicinity, rolling his eyes upward imploringly.

"_Again_, L?"

"Raito, I have not been able to see you for almost a week due to work and travel; I need this relief and I need it _now_."

"Ok… I'll get home right now."

Ignoring the unnerving silence on the other line, Raito hung up the phone, the dark cloud hanging over his head only darkening in response. Pulling himself up, the morose brunette pocketed his cell phone once more as he got up from the bench and began to make his way home.

He'd have to simply ignore this feeling for now.

He'd just have to.

* * *

Raito sighed as he felt the smooth wood of the headboard support the back of his head, wondering if he would rather cook or order take out later on for dinner.

'Hm… if I cook, I'll have to make dessert, but if I order out, then not only would I be able to eat in peace, but L would be too busy devouring his sugar-monster of a dinner to attack me with a surprise penis-check…'

"Kira-kun looks distracted." L called out as he fiddled with the keys within his hands, staring at the handcuffed wrists bound against either side of Raito's head. Raito rolled his eyes, wondering just why he did the things he did for this man. "Ah… You look surprised. Kira is your _true _name isn't it Yagami-kun?"

L stared at the young man slumped against the bed, wrists tied up against the rails of the headboard of the bed as the slim 'homicidal maniac' glanced up at him passively, yawning a bit to add to the unreceptive response.

"Whatever you say, detective-san…" Raito mumbled as tried to flex his hands and pump some feeling into his fingers. Honestly, you'd think L had some adverse sick pleasure in making feel as uncomfortable as possible when it came to sex…

"Raito-kun this will not work if you do not put any effort into this whatsoever." L stated as he sat down beside his some-what bored lover. "This would be a lot more fun if Raito-kun would actually par-tic-ipate much like last time…"

"And what do you want me to say now?" Raito snapped, cranky from having to sit in the same position with his hands tied against the bed for the past twenty damn minutes; 'just for effect' as L had oh-so-graciously put it. "There's only so many things you can repeat over and again before it starts to get old, L! And quite frankly, I don't think there's a manual that let's you know how to act like a psychotic murderer who thinks he's god; and if there is, I sure as hell haven't read it."

Raito did have other things to do than to plan out strange role-playing games with his lover, after all.

Though he was sure L would debate otherwise...

"Well, Raito-kun can still be _himself_… just himself as a homicidal maniac."

"Are you trying to say I have the traits of an overly arrogant mass-murderer, L?" Raito felt his eye twitch as his lover pouted cutely, nibbling his thumb with vigor.

"… … Which answer shall not get me kneed in the testicles, Rai-chan?"

"If I have to tell you," The younger of the two drawled out before closing his eyes. "Then I suppose you should probably keep your testicles to yourself_panda-chan_."

L sighed before crawling up beside his shirtless boyfriend, wondering what the hell was making him all PMS-y now. Though Raito often alluded to L being extremely high-maintenance in all his instant-gratification-glory, Raito himself wasn't really one to talk. You had to constantly speak with the 24-year-old, sometimes in the most random of times, just to make sure everything was perfectly _fine _in Raito's little world.

Something L found tiresome on those special days when all he wanted was a slice of cheesecake and a piece of ass to go along with it before going on a random painting-spree.

No, Raito loved talking about his _feelings_…

Blagh.

"Why is it Raito-kun must get the urge to have these talks when I am 'this' close to getting laid?" L muttered as he grabbed the lubricant from off the dresser and pouring a liberal amount onto one of his hands. "It is never when we are both eating dinner, or watching TV, or even when Misa is here and attempts to put you in a number of Lolita dresses that we both know make your hips look too big. No. It **has** to be when I am about to get some action."

"I never said I needed to have a talk." Raito blushed as he glared at L, watching the older man distribute the gel-like substance between both hands before carefully trailing up his palms against the 24-year-old's bare abdomen.

"But you're temper tantrum waiting to happen in the middle of our sex romp, is." The obsidian-eyed artist snapped back as he climbed on top of his lover's hips, knowing that his game was going to have to wait another day if he actually wanted to copulate at all. "So if it is possible, Raito-kun shall have to keep his mouth shut until we have at least gone to third base. After that, I think I shall be able to keep it up without thinking about whether or not I should be worried if Raito shall start whining about his day in the middle of fucking him senseless."

Raito stared at his boyfriend, wondering just how the hell logic flowed through his brain at times.

"Is sex your top priority in life?" Raito mumbled as he raised his knees, already knowing the damning consequences of allowing someone to chain you to the bed and _letting them keep the fucking key_, and yet having been stupid enough to have let the perverted artist do it to him anyway.

So screwed up the ass…

'But at least you'll enjoy it!'

Raito sweat dropped.

That went without saying.

The artist straddling Raito's waist leaned back against the exasperated sex god's thighs as he sighed, wondering if the both of them could get through one night without having some sort of drama before doing the nasty.

Not that it didn't make the end results especially satisfying, but still.

Completely not the point.

"What is it, Raito-kun?" L drawled out, stilling his hands as he impatiently stared into his lover's eyes, ignoring the vivid blush sprawled over the younger man's beautifully defined cheek bones. "I realize now that I shall get no satisfaction out of this until Raito-kun gets whatever it is out of his system."

"I… don't know." Raito answered honestly, not missing the dubious glance sent his way. "I really don't! I just… It's probably nothing, right? So…?"

L gave the 24-year-old one last glance, quirking his slightly obscured eyebrow in response.

"No, I will not start talking incessantly once you start to… 'get down', Lawliet." Raito rolled his eyes once more as the urge to kick his lover off his body became incredibly prominent within a short span of time. "Now are you going to put these handcuffs to good use, or are you going to get the hell off so I can get started on dinner?"

"As long as Raito-kun does not interrupt me, I am sure I will be able to make this more than worth his time…" L purred (which in itself was strange to Raito, as he squirmed in slight disturbance) as he leaned forward, capturing his lover's lips not even a moment thereafter.

Though Raito was losing feeling within his hands and fingers, he couldn't say he was very much opposed to the feeling of L's mouth against his own as the older artist gently pried it open with his own. Carefully tilting his head to the side, Raito attempted to at least control the kiss as he pushed at the other man's tongue, its semi-languid strokes breaking his feigning self-control.

Pressing Raito's body down against the bed from his spot on the brunette's hips, L continued on with the fight for domination that then ensued once again as Raito roughly bit his lower lip, allowing his hands to trail within the confines of the feisty man's silky chocolate-brown locks as a small groan escaped the self-proclaimed pervert's throat.

"That was cheap, Raito." L mumbled against his lover's lips as he felt Raito smirk against his own mouth, dragging his teeth down L's lower lip in a small attempt to smooth over the over-enthusiastic nip.

"You know you love it."

"Never said I didn't." The emery-eyed artist moved away from Raito's lips and moved to his cheek, placing a small kiss there before moving down to his jaw. L felt the other man's legs twitch as lowered his lips once more, digging himself at the crook of Raito's neck as he pulled his hands out of his lover's hair. "Raito-kun has no idea how long I've been waiting to get into his pants…"

"L," Raito deadpanned as he felt his eye twitch in annoyance. "It's only been a week."

"Raito-kun, when you are used to having sex a good three times a day, a week can seem like a lifetime." L dryly stated, nibbling on the younger man's neck in impatience. "At one point, I even contemplated absconding with Raito-kun and man-raping him in perfect seclusion to make up for lost time."

"…"

"What, Raito-kun?"

"Is that such a good thing to say when you have me pinned down to the mattress along with my hands bound above my head?"

"… Isn't Raito-kun used to me saying worse at this point?"

Raito sweat dropped.

"Unfortunately… yes."

"Alright, then." L replied before getting back to the task at hand, which was currently 'doing' his lover. Quickly unbuttoning his jeans, L tossed them aside in a fit of impatience that even put past frustrations to shame. Hands then trailing over the zipper of Raito's own pants, L felt his breath quicken in anticipation, glad to finally be rid of boy-love-obsessed sisters, psychotic best friends and creepily-frustrated fathers.

Lips quickly searching Raito's own flushed pair once more, L felt the internal sigh of relief burst within his chest as a choir of angels finally sang down on him.

He was finally going to get his daily dose of Raito ass!

'Hallelujah to that…' L thought to himself as the delicious tongue twisted within his mouth in just the right way, thighs trembling beneath his own figure as the dark-haired man breathed in the small sigh Raito emitted before moaning quietly against his mouth. 'Nothing can bring me down today…'

And of course, as was the tradition for the both of them, L was brought back to the reality of things.

"L…"

That Raito, when he had something on his mind, only thought of one thing;

Whatever the hell it was that was on his mind.

Sigh.

"Yes, Raito?"

"I… well…"

L felt his eye twitch as he opened his eyes, the image of Raito's cheeks burning a bright red for a different reason other than what L would have liked to have been doing to the brunette bombshell irritating him to no end.

"Raito, you promised!"

Raito stared at L with wide eyes, reminiscent to his own.

"Grr…"

Practically tearing himself away from his lover, L grabbed his pants and ferociously searched the deep pockets of his jeans before pulling out the keys he had been looking for. Ignoring the look his lover sent his way, L twisted the keys against the lock of the cuffs and snatched the metal rings off his boyfriend's wrists.

"Speak."

"… … I don't think I want to, now."

"Raito, if you do not say what you need to say at this point in time, then I swear on all the sex I could be having _right at this moment_-"

"I just," Raitorubbed his wrists as he shook them out, trying to get the blood flowing into his appendages. "I just don't feel… right."

"How so, Raito-kun?"

The now absolutely adorable brunette gave L a watery glance as he felt his lower regions ache, reminding him that he could be screwing this cute man senseless right about now.

Oh, how the fates were so cruel to L…

"Well…" The dark-haired impatient man felt his fingers begin to twitch as he got off the strangely silent 24-year-old now staring at him with guarded eyes. "I just…"

Raito sighed before turning on his side and wrapping his arms around his lover's waist, feeling badly about interrupting his lover's sex session after not being able to see him for so long. That, and he really needed more time to be able to express just how much he wanted to do this, for both himself and L…

"It's nothing that can't wait until tomorrow. I think this is more important, don't you think?"

L took the younger man's sudden acquiescence into consideration for a moment before the aching need to re-connect with his lover overran any other logical thought going through his brain.

"Raito-kun, that is an idiotic question."

Without another word, L dove in for the younger man's lips once more, ignoring the niggling feeling in the back of his head that this was _not_just something to be brushed aside. But with the way Raito clung to him so fervently, he decided that little niggling feeling could go screw itself ten times over so he could finally have some 'fun time' with his favorite misanthrope in the whole wide world.

'Idiotic question, indeed...'

* * *

Raito quietly slipped out of his lover's arms as he tiptoed out of the room, carefully plucking his cell phone away from their night table as he crept out of the room and into the bathroom. Dialing the number in a series of quick successions, Raito waited for the person on the other line to pick up the phone, and hoped for once-

"Yagami-kun! What a surprise!"

That Matsuda wasn't being his idiot self at this time of night.

Obviously, that was too much for even him to hope for.

"What can I do you for, Yagami-kun?!"

"Matsuda, stop being stupid and listen to me carefully."

"Sir yes sir!"

Raito sweat dropped.

"I said stop being stupid, but I guess that's beyond your realm of thinking, so I'll just take what I can get. Now, listen to me very carefully… I'm going to need a very big favor Matsuda."

"Big favor?"

"Yes, very big favor. And please…"

"Yes, Yagami-kun?"

"Don't open your humongous mouth to tell Ryuuzaki under any circumstances whatsoever."

"Of course, Yagami-kun! I won't let you down! I'll fight the fight! I'll get down and dirty, and then, get even down-er and dirtier! You can count on me, Yagami-kun! Yes siree!"

Raito sighed as he heard the continual murmurs of agreement incoherently spout out from his more-than-just-foolish manager's mouth, wishing for once that he actually had competent assistance for once in his life.

Alas, Raito was just stuck Matsuda.

Oh, the horror of horrors.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own "Whatever You Like" by T.I. (And yes, I actually do like this song despite the fact it's strangely worded and is overall just a very bad song in general! Lol!) nor do I own Death Note. May that be the last time I will ever have to re-affirm that last statement. -.-;

I felt so bad about my lack of updating on this story's part (as I'm sure you guys were expecting crazy fast updates much like DH) that I actually posted this without letting Kit-chan beta it first. T.T Love me, I'm sad. Lol! But... yeah. Don't expect crazy fast updates. I'm already trying to keep up with poor LIA and FEA ((ignores people stalking her for both stories)), so I'm a little clogged. Sorry? ((sweat drops)) Here's what I can do; I can try for weekly updates for this story, but they'll probably be a bit shorter and not beta-ed (which kind of irks me, really, and I know that would probably irk Kit-chan too) or I can try to continue what I'm doing now and alternate between stories. Now that I'm finished with CSS and am currently finishing LIA (which I've already planned the rest of out! Yay!) it'll be a lot easier to alternate between this one and FEA.

Which is Hari-code for 'Stop stalking me, I'm giving into your demands, damn it!'. Lol!

And be prepared for the next couple of chapters, as they will be more plot-centric (Yes, we actually have that in this random story that's maybe not so random!) than all out random hilarity.

That comes later on. XD Thanks for reading!


	3. Crossing the Bridge to Nowhere

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Three: _Crossing the Bridge to Nowhere_

* * *

"Psst!"

Raito felt his eye twitch as the person hiding behind his table threw a sugar packet at the back of his head, wishing for once that he had not gone to _Matsuda _of all people to take care of his little err… problem.

"Yagami-kun! PSSSSSSSTTTTTT!"

Sweat dropping in embarrassment, Raito wondered if it was possible to get arrested for glaring at someone to death.

"Yagami-kun! Yagami-kun! Look. Behind. You! It's me! Matsuda! PSST!"

Because Matsuda was in for a whole lotta of glare-age if he kept throwing sugar packets at the back of his head.

"Matsuda, will you just get your ass over here and sit down, you stupid moron!" Raito finally snapped as he ignored the stares sent in his direction and spun around, giving the man his ultimate glare; _Raito's Death Glare of DOOM! ™_

Matsuda squeaked beneath the gigantic fedora he was now donning and gigantic trench overshadowing his somewhat slim physique as he shuffled over to the table, fixing the aviator sunglasses now engulfing the complete upper part of his face so that they wouldn't fall of completely.

Needless to say, Raito felt his annoyance levels raise exponentially.

"What the hell are you wearing, Matsuda?" Raito dryly stated as a young mother grabbed her child and backed away from the table, obviously eyeing Matsuda as if he were some pedophile that had just walked in from the street.

Honestly, they wouldn't be too far off from the truth.

Matsuda had just entered the restaurant a little while back, after all. And quite frankly, what would tacking the description 'pedophile' to his strange resume _really_ hurt his chances at getting another job at this point?

"Yagami-kun asked me to be discreet! So I did as you asked!" Matsuda excitedly bounced in his seat, expecting some sort of praise for his 'tact', not realizing just how much he looked like an overly-excited rapist at the moment.

"… … … You look as if you're waiting for the first child to stop by so you can bribe them with candy while you flash them."

Matsuda instantly wilted.

"I do not." The manager pouted before fixing the aviator glasses once again perched precariously on his face. "I thought it looked totally cool…"

"You obviously thought wrong." Raito muttered, wishing he could have a semi-sane conversation with someone without feeling as if he just entered the Twilight Zone. "Why do I even bother?"

"Well, Yagami-kun shouldn't worry, because I went to the places you told me to go to and got exactly what you wanted-"

"And they **didn't** stare at you as if you were child molester when you went dressed like _that_?!"

"On top of managing to stay 'under the radar', just like Yagami-kun asked!"

Raito gave the man a dubious glance as Matsuda gave him an overly-ridiculous thumb's up.

"… Do you mean the rapist-radar? Because if that's the case, then I'm pretty sure you need to think again."

Matsuda pouted once more before pulling out the stacks of laminated paper from out of his trench coat (pouting even further as random people within the place began to back away in terror) and threw them on the table.

"That's all of them, Yagami-kun." The older man cheerfully smiled as Raito's face darkened in annoyance.

"Yeah, and it only took you about three weeks to come through, Matsuda."

"Yagami-kun has no idea how hard it's been for me to gather information about these places!" Matsuda fiddled with his fingers as he frowned in genuine confusion. "It's like they were intentionally locking me out, or something."

"Here's a question; did you really go to all the places I asked you dressed like that?"

The dark-haired man blinked before fixing the humongous fedora hat tilting off the side of his head.

"Yes, why?"

"… … … No reason, Matsuda. No reason at all."

Raito snorted in vague amusement before picking up the pieces of lamaneted paper, popping them open in intense interest.

"Are you really serious about this, Yagami-kun?" The brunette blinked as he glanced up at the suddenly serious expression decorating Matsuda's face, the aviator glasses finally off along with the gigantic fedora.

"That's a dumb question, Matsuda." Raito scoffed before polishing off the rest of his coffee. "I'm me. Of course I'm ready if I say so."

"Oh, Yagami-kun..." The young manager shook his head as he stared at his overly-confident client. "I think you'll find raising children to be a lot more difficult than you think you're ready for..."

"Oh, please. If I want to have kids, why wouldn't I be ready? Trust me, Matsuda. Everything will be just fine." Raito smiled before grabbing the bright-colored brochures off the table and winking down at his manager before swiftly leaving the café in a whirl of sexiness, Matsuda staring back at him as he leaned his head to the side.

"Good luck with that, Yagami-kun. With Ryuuzaki as your lover, and that over-inflated ego of yours on top of it all, I have a feeling you are most definitely going to need it…"

"Ahem..."

Matsuda blinked before looking up in surprise.

"Err… Sir?" A thin waiter barely out of his teens coughed within his hand as he gave Matsuda a silent look-over, looking a bit nervous as he did so. "We're going to have to ask you the leave, as it seems your… err… outfit is disturbing the other customers within the restaurant. Mainly, the children."

Matsuda sighed as the waiter quirked up his eyebrow.

"It's the trench, isn't it?"

"Sir," The waiter backed away a step as Matsuda hung his head. "What you do and what you wear in your time is entirely your business. But if you truly want me to be honest... you're just creeping everyone the fuck out in general, sir."

"_Look mommy, daddy says those people who wear those kinds of coats like to diddle with little boy's dingdongs!" _

"_Er…"_

The mother and daughter duo quickly scampered off as Matsuda wailed.

"Damn it, every single freaking time I decide to rock the trench! Why, God, why?!"

**_SWOOSH!_**

"GAH!"

**_CRASH!_**

_"DAMN PERVERT!"_

_"YEAH! SHUT THE HELL UP, YOU CHILD DIDDLER!"_

_"GO RAPE YOURSELF YOU ASSHOLE!"_

_"EVERYBODY THROW CRAP AT THE PEDOPHILE IN THE TRENCHCOAT!"_

_"YEAH!"_

Matsuda winced as his leg twitched, body contorted painfully on the floor. A large shadow of people loomed over him as he closed his eyes, wondering why this crap always seemed to happen to him.

"Ow..."

* * *

Aizawa sighed as he ran a hand through his luscious afro, the knocking on his door increasing in sound by the second.

"I'll be right there! Will you fucking hold onto to your pants already! Sheesh!"

_**BANG, BANG, BANG!**_

_Afro Jiggle of Annoyance!_

"Damn it…" Aizawa muttered as he made it to the door, ready to chew out whoever it was that lay on the other side and make them eat their own shoes for interrupting his precious afro-taming time. "What the _hell_ do you want, you-"

"Aizawa!" L smiled creepily before pushing past the confused manager and plopping down on his couch, eyes widening in faux-innocence. "How are you and your gigantic afro doing today?"

"... Fine." Aizawa answered slowly, wondering just how L got from his door to the couch as fast as he did.

He just contributed it to his employer's freakishness and once again let it slide.

"What are you doing here, L? Don't you have your boy toy to satisfy your weird means of entertainment, now?"

L smiled as Aizawa felt his eye twitch.

"Oh trust me, Aizawa, Raito-kun satisfys ALL my means of entertainment..."

"L..."

"And what I mean is; he loves me long time."

"God damn it, L!"

"Yes, Aizawa? Have you missed me?"

"L, cut the small talk and just tell me what the hell you came over here for." The older of the two sighed once more as Aizawa watched his former charge get overly comfortable on his couch, wiggling his now bare feet against the cushions.

'Note to self: Make sure to disinfect couch later.'

"… I have been having my share of concerns about my relationship with Raito-kun lately." L reluctantly admitted, dropping his half-hearted oblivious act at the sever look on his manager's face. "It seems our relationship has come to a standstill these past few months. Raito-kun barely speaks with me and has become uncharacteristically silent, especially in these last couple of weeks. I am at a lost at what the problem could be…"

It didn't help L's mood to see that even the man's _afro_ was now looking down at him in disapproval.

And L hadn't even known that to be possible.

'You learn new things everyday…' The perverted thought to himself as he blinked, dark eyes widening as the afro twitched in response.

"So let me get this straight... You've finally found someone who is not only incredibly smoking hot and intelligent, but willing to put up with your crap for more than _five minutes at a time_, and you're having problems **now**, after a good year and some months of being together." The older of the two deadpanned as L sweat dropped in the background. "Hell, his _crazy _is even compatible to yours! And now that things are settled down and everything is finally pulling itself together in terms of your relationship, all of a sudden you feel you're at a damn standstill?"

L blinked once more before nodding emphatically, mouth still nibbling on his thumb.

"Right…" Aizawa picked up a pick and began fluffing up the gigantic hairball on top of his head, rolling his eyes in exasperation. "I almost forgot. You two live on drama and chaos. Anything less going on in your lives is out of the ordinary for the both of you."

"That is untrue." L pouted. "We have both managed to live relatively boring lives as of late and not want to strangle each other or have infidilities."

"Oh, I didn't mean _that_ kind of drama... Let me ask you something, L." Almost immediately, the pale pervert perked up, hoping that maybe Aizawa held more insight than he believed at this point. "Does most of the time you two spend together require any sort of _talking_, by any chance?"

"Well…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Do you see the problem here, or would you like me to draw you a diagram?"

L grinned creepily, eyes darkening in perverted delight.

"Diagram, you say?"

Aizawa sweat dropped.

"… … Forget I said that."

"Oh, Aizawa, if loving Raito-kun's ass is wrong," L gave a corny thumbs up as Aizawa and his afro sweat dropped. "Then I do not wish to be right."

"You know that kind of thinking is only going to distance the both of you from each other, right?" L's hand suddenly dropped as his large ebony orbs widened even further, leaning forward on the couch as Aizawa stuck the pick within his massive curly bush and gave the 31-year-old a strict stare.

"If you want to know what's wrong, you're going to have to do the one thing you hate most, L."

L almost backed away in horror, a nearly disturbed look overcoming his usually blank façade.

"Aizawa does not mean what I think he means…"

"Yes, L." The insomniac could swear even Aizawa's afro was smirking at this point. "You are going to have to talk to him about your… _**feelings**_."

L felt his breathing stop as he stared at the older man without blinking, face set in stone.

"…"

"L, don't you dare go catatonic on me."

"…"

"L…"

"…"

"L Lawliet, calling in L Lawliet to front and center, do you copy?"

"…"

"Fine, don't listen to me. But you do realize that if you don't do this," Aizawa dryly stated before standing up, not even bothering to glance over his shoulder as he walked out of the room. "That someday in the very near future you may never be able to get to, and I'm quoting you here, 'tap that scrumptious ass' ever again?"

_**CRASH!**_

Aizawa sighed as he cradled his face within his hands, not even bothering to turn around as the sound of a body collapsing quite painfully onto the ground barely even took him off guard, thus preventing him from seeing the incredibly adorable Chibi-look of Doom L held on his face.

"No more Raito-kun sexy smex?"

Aizawa glared, wondering just where the hell his employer's head was from time to time.

"No more Raito-kun sexy smex, L."

"… … Then I suppose it cannot be helped. What must be done... must be done."

L carefully picked himself up, not even bothering to dust himself off as he headed out of the apartment. A twitch of a hand later, L turned the doorknob and opened the door, but not before turning back around and giving Aizawa a blank stare.

"I thank Aizawa for his kind assistance, as well as his afro, which to this day has yet to steer in the wrong direction."

Aizawa felt his eye twitch as L patted his afro in mock-thanks.

"Goodbye. I shall keep in touch."

"Please don't. I can live without the sexual innuendo and blunt statements about how great your sex life is."

"Aizawa is in desperate need of some booty, other than his afro's."

And with that, the creepy pervert nodded his head and shuffled out of the apartment, not even bothering to pull his ratty sneakers back on as an intense look over came his face. After a small coughing fit, Aizawa ran over to the open door and stuck his head out, shaking his fist at the other man's back as he continued to bumble on towards the elevators.

"And don't go and do something incredibly stupid, L Lawliet, or so God help me and my utterly sexy and voluminously luscious afro, I will personally kick your ass to Hell and back!"

L continued on towards the elevators, not even acknowledging the older man as Aizawa sweat dropped.

'Oh my precious afro, what have we done?'

* * *

"What do you think about this one, Rai-chan?"

Raito felt his eye twitch as Sayu smiled angelically, a shiny brochure resting in her hand as they sat within the kitchen within the young woman's apartment, kitchen table littered with various papers advertising for all sorts of adoption agencies.

"Those kids look too fat and stupid for my tastes." The brunette muttered as he tossed away the brochure he had been scanning himself, mumbling something about potential child runaways. "Why is it so damn hard to just look for a suitable adoption agency with cute children that just _happen_ to be incredibly smart and obedient?!"

Sayu stared at her brother, wondering for a moment just where her parents went oh so wrong.

"Raito, do you ever remember being smart and obedient as a child?"

"… … Shut the fuck up, Sayu."

"In fact, if I remember correctly, you used to purposely go into mom and dad's room-"

"Sayu…"

"And go into mom's closet, even though dad told you time and again **not** to, looking through her dresses and shoes-"

"Sayu, I said shut up…"

"And then proceeded to accessorize all of her outfits, along with colorizing them. Then, you would pick the prettiest one of them all-"

"Sayu, I swear on all that's good and holy in this world if you don't shut the hell up…"

"And don it as if it were a beautiful gown, and pretend you were the prettiest princess of them a-ACK!"

"Sayu…" Raito felt his eye twitch as he held Sayu up by the collar of her shirt, trying desperately to ignore the still-there smirk covering the lower half of the insane girl's face. "Don't make me hurt you."

"I'm sure that's what L likes to hear right before you spank his ass-ACK!" Sayu growled as Raito pulled on her shirt collar once again. "DAMN IT, RAITO, STOP CHOCKING ME! How the hell am I supposed to degrade you if-ACK!"

Raito grinned victoriously, before-

"GOD DAMN IT, SAYU!"

Sayu punched him right in between the eyes.

"Now, as I was saying," The younger girl smirked as Raito rubbed his precious nose, now bright red from the vicious hit thrown its sexy way. "Children are hardly ever obedient, and trying to find one on a prodigal level, let alone intelligent enough to not know that eating glue is _not_ a good idea, is damn near impossible, so I think it's best if you try to lower your expectations as much as possi-"

"EUREKA!"

"-ble."

Sayu sweat dropped as Raito dramitically held up a brochure, knowing everything she had said had been for naught.

"I think… I have found what I have been looking for, Sayu."

A shiny red pamphlet with the words "Whammy's Adoption Agency" in bright yellow bold lettering was lowered so that both brother and sister could both sneak a peak at the precious mini-book's innards.

"Are you sure, Raito?"

Raito smiled before nodding emphatically, feeling much happier than he's felt in a long time.

"I'm sure, Sayu. 100 percent positive."

"And what about L?"

Raito said nothing as he turned the page, barely giving her a glance up to acknowledge that he had heard what she had said.

"Raito..."

"I'm going to talk to him about it soon..." Sayu gave him a dubious glance. "Really soon..."

"Like... tonight, maybe? He deserves to be at least _informed, _Raito, if you're going to be doing this. Right now, you're just basically doing this without even his consent."

The smexy brunette sighed before biting his lip and nodding, knowing he had backed himself into a corner he could not escape.

"Most definitely tonight." He murmured in agreement, refusing to say anything more.

Sayu hid her grin as she looked on with her brother, knowing that no matter what happened at this point, she was most definitely going to (finally) be an aunt. She doubted L knew how to say no to anything Raito asked at this point, anyway, so her brother had nothing to really worry about.

But really, Sayu was only thinking about one thing...

Oh, the havoc she would bring along with this future kin of hers…

The now smiling Raito wondered why the urge to shiver crawled up his spine as he flipped a page of the pamphlet, not noticing the evil smile now covering his little sister's face.

Raito had no idea what he would be up against.

* * *

"Hey, L." Raito tiredly smiled as he entered the large apartment, man-purse, full of nothing but pamphlets and extra notations of each orphanage, in tow.

The other artist waved a hand before shuffling off into the kitchen, barely giving the younger of the two a second glance. L mumbled what could have been a hello before making all sorts of racket as he continually opened and closed the refrigerator and cabinets in a succession of pure noise.

Raito blinked in confusion as he heard L bumbling about in the kitchen, surprised he hadn't been bum-rushed at the door and dragged up the stairs for a sex romp.

Not that Raito was complaining, but still…

Strange, indeed.

Not wanting to bother his lover if something was wrong just yet, the exhausted 24-year-old made his way to the stairs, taking the opportunity for what it was to put away all the brochures that lie inside his carry case and finally relax for the evening.

Raito had all the time in the world to try to spring the 'conversation' on L.

For now, it was best to just let sleeping dog's lie…

At least, that was what Raito told himself as he walked up the stairs, not noticing the half-hearted glance sent in his direction as L watched the boy tiredly trudge into their room in an exhausted state.

Eating the glop of cake hanging off his fork, the older man lumbered back into the kitchen, wondering if they had anymore chocolate chip cookies left.

The sugar-addicted artist had a feeling it was going to be a long night.

* * *

L entered the bedroom an hour later to find his lover spread out against their bed, drawing pad lying half-hazardously on the mattress as Raito absently drew upon it. Grabbing a random book off of their bookshelf, pale fingers gently fiddled with the pages as L lay down next to the handsome brunette who barely looked as if he was awake.

"Raito-kun has been extremely quiet these past couple of weeks." L gently prodded the younger artist next to him with his left foot as Raito continued to stare out the window of their bedroom, pencil twirling in his hand.

Both men were laid out on their bed, L propped up against the headboard, pretending to read from the Murder/Mystery novel within his hands while Raito lay on his stomach next to him, still doodling random pictures in his sketchpad.

Raito shrugged as he looked down at the piece of paper in front of him and began to sketch out what looked to be a small child. Obsidian eyes narrowed in concern as Raito continued to ignore his rather obvious staring and concentrated solely on the picture he was drawing.

For a few minutes, it seemed liked Raito was just goofing around with the drawing (as he was prone to doing with most of his sketches), but the look on his face slowly began to change. Raito seemed to begin drawing in earnest as he went into facial detail. L watched in fascination as Raito delved himself into the drawing. The look of rapture on the younger artist's face made him all the more desirable as L felt a rupture of longing echo in his chest.

The 24-year-olds' eyes lit up in glee as he continued to shade in the mystery child's features. The sudden urge to lean forward and pull his lover onto his lap caused the older man's fingers to twitch as Raito smiled innocently at the picture before him.

L was never really one to ignore his rather ravenous urges in anyway.

"Oof!" Raito cried out in shock as L grabbed him from behind and flipped him forward facing him. The young man blinked in confusion as his drawing materials rolled off the bed and onto the carpeted floor and frowned to himself as he found himself practically laying on the allusive artist's lap.

"What are you doing, L?" Raito asked forlornly, all while directing his gaze from his half-way done picture.

L simply blinked in response to the question.

"Isn't it obvious?"

Raito bit his lip (sexy) and turned to look at L with shining, wide eyes. L's breath caught in his throat as his lover's puppy dog eyes softened his features even further. If the look on the 24-year-olds' face hadn't been so damn cute (which usually brought out the more manipulative side of Raito), L would have probably felt more inclined to be a bit more sympathetic to his lover's feelings.

But wait…

'Are those genuine feelings he's actually showing?' From the subtle sincerity in the younger man's face, L could gather that was a definite yes.

"What's wrong, Raito-kun. As cute as you look depressed, it truly does not bring out the best of your features." Raito pouted cutely as he looked down at a spot beside their bed, trying desperately to not look at L in his eyes. "And do not think I have not noticed the way you have been avoiding me. Truly, it has been… distressing, to say the least."

"I don't want to say." Came the unnaturally bashful voice above L.

L sighed in irritation as Raito still refused to look at his face. "I cannot help Raito-kun if he does not tell me the problem."

Raito's world was then turned upside down as L flipped them both over and straddled the younger man now underneath him. L sure had some hidden strength in that seemingly frail body.

'And I would know…' Raito thought with a fierce blush.

"Now what is the problem?"

Cinnamon eyes trailed back over to the spot where the previous drawing now rested undisturbed, as L's gaze confusedly followed the same path. Raito sighed despondently as he continued to stare at said spot, a heavy sadness clouding his vibrant features.

"Does it bother you that we can't have children, Lawliet." L leaned back in surprise as the unexpected question tumbled from his lover's lips. Raito turned back to face him, patiently waiting for his response.

'Where did that come from?!' L thought in panic. Was Raito trying to tell him something…?

Oh, God.

"What is Raito-kun trying to say with his question?!"

Raito blinked up at L as the almost nervous question penetrated his ears. "What am I trying to say? I'm asking you, L, if you want to have children! How is that 'trying to say something,' when it's a simple yes or not question! I'm just looking for your response!"

"Yes, but why ask me such a question?!"

"Because!"

"Because, why?!"

"Because I want to have kids, you jack-ass!"

L quieted almost immediately after and pulled himself back up from his lover's tantalizing body.

'Raito-kun wishes to have children…' L thought sadly. 'That must mean that… he doesn't want to be…'

"I mean," Raito interrupted L's thoughts, now uncertain after his unexpected outburst. "It's only natural to _want _to have kids with the person you love after a certain amount of time being together, right?"

L raised his eyebrows and stared down at Raito blankly. "With the one you… you mean…"

Raito gazed up at L expectantly, hoping to have **finally **gotten his point across.

"You're in love with another woman!?"

Raito sweat-dropped backwards into the bed as L looked down at Raito with betrayal and hurt radiating in his panda-like eyes.

"Are you serious, Lawliet?" Raito then pulled his boyfriend down to his face and briefly kissed him passionately, before letting him go almost abruptly. L stared down at the man beneath him with his signature hungry look in his eyes that were now suddenly tinged with sadness.

'What. An. IDIOT!' Raito thought angrily.

"Do you honestly think I would live with you, let you fuck me, sleep with you, do just about everything a married couple does with one another, and be in love with another _woman, _of all things?!" Raito felt his eye twitch in agitation as his lover stayed completely silent. "Honestly L… does that really sound like something I would do if given the opportunity?!"

L looked down at the bed sullenly as a murmured 'crazy bisexuals' was whispered to himself.

"Lawliet!"

"… … … No."

Raito sighed to himself (as seems to be the routine, this night) as he crawled out from under his dense boyfriend and pulled out what seemed to be a small brochure from their nightstand beside their bed. L blinked as the laminated paper was shoved directly in front of his face with the words "Whammy's Adoption Agency" standing out in bold letters.

'Adoption…?' L thought with a start.

"You want to have children… with **me**, Raito-kun?" Raito rolled his eyes as the 'no shit, Sherlock' passed between them unnoticed. L grasped the pamphlet before turning to gaze at the man beside him with shining eyes.

"Oomph!" L tackled Raito right off the bed and hugged him as tight as he could (which was pretty fucking tight!). Raito gasped for air as he patted his lover's back in order to get his attention.

"L… can't… breathe…" L's grip loosened somewhat as muffled sounds of what Raito thought were crying escaped the artist's shoulder.

"Lawliet?"

L lifted his face off Raito's shoulder as laughter penetrated the room's quiet atmosphere. Raito gave L a strange look as the laughter increased in intervals. L finally tried to explain himself, while still laughing, but Raito would later wish he hadn't.

"And here I thought… 'Oh my God, he is in love with a woman!', when you were really just trying to tell me … 'I want be a mother!', and Raito-kun, to be quite frank… you cannot get much gayer than that…"

Laughter escalated once again as Raito face-faulted at the other artist's ridiculous sense of humor.

"L… you're sick, you know that?"

Laughter was the only response Raito received as the older man continued to giggle in glee.

In the back of his head, the brunette bombshell had to wonder if maybe he should have thought about this a bit more before blurting it out in the open…

"Raito-kun… with a mommy **and** a god complex…"

Raito felt his eye twitch in irritation as L sputtered out into another laughing fit against his clavicle.

Someone was so not getting laid tonight.

* * *

So, here it is. I figured I'd get this out of the way so that I could finally get Into the actual meat of the story. ... ... ... And no, that totally did not sound perverted at all. Really. Let me believe that. Lol! I thought about concentrating more on Raito's confession and lengthening it out, but as strange as it's going to seem to say, that's kind of OOC for this Raito I've created. He really doesn't know _how_ to keep anything secret, which is the main difference between this Raito and Raito from the actually manga/anime. That, and his complete air-headedness and twitchyness. Though the twitchiness isn't too far off, I think. XD I love purposefully making characters out of character, don't you? Kudos to those who recognize the last scene, and yes, you will see more familiar scenes such as this as the story goes on. Just know that I will most likely tweek them so you get to see the whole story behind them.

So, to cut a long ramble short, thanks to all those for reading, hope you enjoyed the semi-quick update, and hopefully, you'll stick around for the next chapter! See ya soon!


	4. Running Before You Can Crawl

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Four: _Running Before You Can Crawl_

* * *

L sighed as he watched his young lover sleep within their warm bed, large eyes drooping as he gently stroked Raito's cheek.

At times, he wondered just what it was Raito saw in him. A good year and some months later, and he still felt insecure in his place within the smoking hot brunette's life. Though it was quite obvious that the incredibly intelligent (if slightly ditzy) utterly gorgeous (though a bit conceited) spectacular confident (bordering on arrogant, really) artist could have anyone he wanted.

Why satisfy himself with third-class trash like him?

L repeatedly made efforts to make Raito's life a living hell all for both his own amusement and personal gain, barely letting the 24-year-old out of his sight for more than five minutes at a time whilst still being as inattentive as possible. Even L knew he didn't deserve Raito.

But the brunette adamantly refused to let him go, no matter how hard he tried to push the man's buttons.

And now… he actually wanted to have children with him?

L could feel the skepticism crawl up his spine as he burrowed himself within Raito's warmth as he closed his weary eyes. A part of him wondered if Raito was really serious about all of this…

Yet a much larger part of him knew that no matter how many doubts he held, if this was something that Lawliet could give his lover, then their semi-solitude (because really, with Sayu always bursting in their bedroom at random moments, Misa constantly wanting to go out clubbing with her gay BFF and Mikami still creepily floating around from time to time, true solitude with his little bootilicious cupcake was hard to come by) was most definitely something he would be willing to trade for Raito's unerring companionship.

Damn it, if kids were what Raito wanted, kids were what Raito was going to get.

Even if L would be driven crazy in the mean time…

It would be worth it in the end, right?

Raito murmured something in his sleep as he drifted closer towards the confused artist and throwing an arm around L's thin waist, making L practically swoon as much as a man devoid of any expression possibly could.

His Raito was so cute when he was sleep... and utterly molestable, as well.

And speaking of molesting...

"GOD DAMN IT, L, I'M TRYING TO FREAKING SLEEP!"

Having kids couldn't be that much trouble, as long as they didn't interrupt his groove time.

"L, I SAID STOP IT! MY ASS IS OUT OF COMMISSION FOR THE NEXT SIX AND A HALF HOURS YOU DOUCHE-BAG!"

Then, L might have a problem.

"YOU KNOW WHAT?! NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU!"

"But... Raito-kun..."

"NO MORE COOKIES FOR YOU, DAMN IT!"

L pouted as Raito rolled off the side, secretly hiding the smile still lingering on the edge of his lips as he _feels_ Raito's eye twitch in agitation.

"Oh."

No matter what, L doubted Raito would ever lose that spark in him that made him just so much fun to tease. With or without children to tire him out.

And that was the best gift of them all.

* * *

"I do not think this is a good idea, Raito-kun."

"Oh, please," Raito scoffed as he ran a hand through his perfectly placed cinnamon brown locks. "You're over-exaggerating yet _again_, Lawliet. It won't be that bad."

"Raito-kun, I think you are severely understating the humongous disaster that is yet to come in doing this…"

"No, I am not. And besides, wouldn't it be nice to have their support in doing this, L?" Raito gave the man his best sugary sweet smile as he leaned over the clutch in between them and kissed his boyfriend, who still looked as if they were about to face Armageddon within minutes, on the cheek.

"… … … I suppose it depends on Raito-kun's definition of 'nice'." The dark-haired cynic mumbled as he played with the hem of his shirt.

"L…" Raito warned, knowing when he felt a long-winded speech coming from his usually reserved (when not talking about sex, anyway) lover.

Too late.

"If Raito-kun's definition of nice means that it would be 'cruel and unusual to have to force ourselves through this debacle just so that we may attempt to squash Raito-kun's own plethora of insecurities that will soon only multiply in strength', then yes. I agree. It would be **nice**." L declared as he pulled out a bright red lollipop from his pocket, making Raito wonder just when that treat had been bought, and why he hadn't noticed it within his lover's pants when he had picked them out fifteen minutes before they got within the car. "Now, if Raito-kun means 'oh, the world will be a beautiful place, and his parents will accept this with open arms and bunnies will then trot along as we gather each other up in a large family hug and everything will be magically perfect in Raito-Land', then I think Raito-kun needs to stop smoking whatever crack he has hidden on his person and get back down to Earth, where his sweet ass belongs."

Raito gave L a one of a kind smoldering glare as the dark-haired artist drew his thumb out of his mouth, both men still sitting within the car as L hesitated to open the damn door.

"Are you done?"

"Not really." L pouted before bringing up his knees to his chest, eyes glistening as he stared at his now stone-faced lover. "I do not wish to enter, Raito-kun. I fear your father may actually go through with his threats and murder me at this point."

"Murder you?" Raito blinked as he took the keys out of his ignition, wondering why his lover had to think so negatively of his father (ignoring the little voice in his head that then _stated _all the reasons why L was so wary of his creepy dad and vice versa). "It was my idea. Why would he murder you?"

L gave Raito one of his blank stares, wondering just how his lover could be so naïve all the time.

"Raito-kun, you're father believes me to be a single-minded pervert-"

"Which you _are_."

"That persuades you to do sick, yet still sexually satisfying things in our spare time-"

"Which you _do_."

"And just generally be a bad influence in your life along with being overly clingy around others, almost to the point of dangerously possessive and stalker-like."

"Which just about describes you _fantastically_."

L ignored the dubious expression on his lover's face as he continued on, not paying heed to any of his lover's half-assed (if true) interjected comments.

"Do you actually think that telling him that you wish to have children with me will make him think _more _of me, or _less _of you than he already does?"

Raito face-faulted as he stepped away from the car, not the least bit perturbed by the blank look on his lover's face as he set on the alarm. "I was hoping for a little bit of both to at least balance it out, actually…"

L sighed as he tugged on his shirt sleeve, shaking his head at the impending doom just hanging over them as the gruesome lady named inevitability got ready to play her hand.

"Poor, naïve little Raito and his utterly sexy ass…"

"Oh, shut the hell up and let's go, L."

"Coming, Raito-kun." L muttered as he stared at his boyfriend's delectable ass, not even blinking for a second. "Just as I will be sure to be coming later on for having to deal with all of this soon-to-be mess…"

"What was that?" Raito questioned over his shoulder as they reached his parent's door, wondering why his boyfriend was mumbling to himself _yet again_.

'And he wonders why people think he's creepy…'

"Oh, nothing, Raito-kun." L smirked behind Raito's back as he rang the doorbell, happy that he would at least be amused, if nothing else. "Nothing at all…"

* * *

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… I'm sorry... What?"

Raito shakily smiled as his father gave both him and his boyfriend a blank stare, creeping closer to L as his mother gaped over at the both of them.

"I said… LandIaregoingtoadoptandwewishtohaveyourblessingandsupport…" The smexy brunette blurted out unintelligibly, barely looking up at his father's strict face as he did so. "… Please?"

"… … I'm sorry, Raito, but I still didn't catch that either." Sachiko gave her son a small smile of encouragement as her son sweat dropped, not noticing the small, almost completely imperceptible smile decorating L's face.

The 24-year-old brunette audibly gulped before taking a deep breath and deciding to just go through with it, for better or for worse.

God help them all.

"Mother…" Raito glanced at Sachiko with a smile on his face. "Father…" Only to then frown over at his father. "What I wanted to tell you before, and was doing horribly, is that after some careful consideration, both L and I have decided that we want children, and wish to start our own family."

Soichirou blinked as Sachiko felt her mouth drop in a perfect 'o'.

"Oh."

"Err…" Raito fidgeted with his lover's pale fingers after placing the slim hand within his lap, ignoring the creepy smile now resting on L's lips, his nervousness radiating in waves. "That's it?"

Sachiko simply stared at the both of them with wide eyes as she sat beside her shocked husband, feeling equally as baffled.

"… Give us a moment to process, Raito." Soichirou muttered, still not fully functioning within his own head.

Raito sweat dropped as the strange smile on L's face only increased in size.

"Ok…" Soichirou cleared his throat before closing his eyes…

"WHAT THE HELL?!"

And almost scaring the crap out of everyone in the room with the massiveness of the booming quality within his voice.

Sachiko jumped up within her chair as both Raito and L barely flinched.

Well… that was one reaction they had been expecting, at least.

"Dad, it's really not something to have a conniption ove-"

"HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH A THING, RAITO! YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT YOU WISH TO...YOU WANT TO **ACTUALLY** HAVE CHILDREN WITH THIS… THIS… THIS…"

"Pervert?" Raito shouted out, reveling in the glare sent his way via his lover.

"Stalker?" Sachiko added in, an index finger in the air as she joined in on the fun.

"Weirdo?" L then leaned forward, eyes as wide as can be as both mother and son sweat dropped.

"All of the above?" Raito muttered, wondering just where his father was going to go with this.

"YES!" Soichirou stood up and pointed a finger at the now blinking artist, his Chibi-look of Doom in full effect. "ALL OF THE ABOVE, DAMN IT! AND YOU'RE TELLING ME I'M OVER-REACTING?! ARE YOU SERIOUS, RAITO?! JUST HOW MANY BRAIN CELLS HAVE YOU LOST LIVING WITH THIS SOCIOPATHIC PERVERT LIVING A LIFE OF BUTT-SEX?!"

L sighed as he glanced up at his father-in-law (whether he wanted to be or not), barely looking the least bit frazzled at the booming sound of the older man's intimidating voice. "In all due respect, father-san-"

"STOP CALLING ME THAT, FOR GOD'S SAKES!"

"I believe that Raito and I will be able to do just fine with children. If it is what Raito truly wants," L paused as he glanced at his boyfriend's flushed face, still staring at the older man breathing fire from his nostril. "Then I suppose that whatever sacrifices must be made can be accommodated for both his and our future child's welfare."

"Yes, that may be true now… but the question is if this is something you **both** want." Sachiko quietly interjected, barely glancing over at her steaming husband as she stared at the two boys in maternal unease. "Are the both of you actually doing this for the right reasons? Because if not, then one or both of you may not be so happy later on…"

"Of course!" Raito exclaimed, his eyes as wide as can be. "We really, really want to make this work for the best! Right, L?"

All eyes shifted to the quiet dark-haired man hunched over within the cushions of the couch he was sitting upon, sitting entirely much too close to the oblivious brunette staring at him with expectant eyes. Ignoring the stirrings of anxiety within his stomach, L nodded, bringing a thumb to his lips as he began to nibble on it in earnest.

"Hm…" Sachiko gave L a knowing glance before giving her son a small smile. "Then I guess you have my blessing, Rai-chan."

Raito felt himself sweat drop as his mother then got up from her chair and pinched his cheek with a hold of steel.

"I can't believe I'm going to be a grandmother… and that you're the one actually giving me grandchildren, Rai-chan!" Sachiko grinned happily as she refused to relinquish the hold she had over Raito's cheek. "I mean, I always thought Sayu would be the one to do so, but here you are, in a relationship with someone you love-"

"Mom…"

"Living the life I've always wanted for you-"

"Mom…"

"And on top of everything else… you're actually happy!" Sachiko stifled a cry as tears began to run down her cheeks in earnest, ignoring her son's now overtly obvious twitching eye. "It makes me… so happy to know… my baby's finally all grown-up and in a stable relationship! With the way you had been heading, Rai-chan, I thought you would NEVER settle down!"

Raito sighed as he felt his cheek go numb, his mother sobbing dramatically in his ear.

"Yeah, sure, whatever, mom…"

L snickered silently as he buried his head against his knees.

"I knew Raito-kun got his dramatics from both sides of the family, somehow…"

"What was that, L?!"

Three sets of fiery eyes met L's sight as he sweat dropped, not wanting to incite the wrath of all the Yagami's within the room.

"Nothing. Nothing at all…"

"Grr… ARE YOU ALL CRAZY?!" Soichirou exploded once more. "CAN WE GET BACK TO THE TOPIC AT HAND?! THESE TWO ARE NOT FIT TO RAISE CHILDREN! AT ALL!"

"Why do you say that, dad?" Raito sighed, finally happy to have gotten his mother's fingers off of his now bright red and purple colored cheek. "Because we're gay? Because we're young? Because you hate the person I'm with? Lay it on me, dad. Give me a good reason as to why we shouldn't have children, and I'll reconsider doing this and never speak of this again."

"Well… I…" Soichirou actually looked flustered as L blinked in surprise, impressed by his boyfriend's sudden bravado, before finally calming down enough to not want to beat the pale artist's face in. "I just… don't think either of you is ready at this point. It's nothing to do with your relationship, Raito, but how I feel the both of you will be able to deal with children. Neither of you have very much patience, and I just can't imagine you developing such a crucial element in personality over night."

"Dad, don't you think that if I am willing to say that I'm ready to have kids, that I'm both mature and hardened enough to practice _patience _of all things?" Raito then gestured wildly to the man hunched over in the couch beside him, L chewing adamantly on his thumb as he tilted his head to the side in amusement. "And I deal with L all the time and haven't even maimed him yet, let alone castrated him! If that isn't a practice of patience, than I don't know what is!"

Soichirou had to sweat drop as the wide-eyed innocent look once again captured L's face as he smiled rather eerily at his son.

"… … I have to give you one there, Raito." The older man lamented as he hung his head in shame. "But, is that perverted freak of a boyfriend you have ready for this huge responsibility as well?"

"Of course!" Raito boasted as L sighed, shaking his head in shame. "And if not, then I'll beat the readiness in him. Right, L?"

"… … … Raito-kun actually believes he can beat me, period?"

"I did that one night when I actually got to be sem-"

"Of course I'm ready, Raito-kun." L stated as both father and mother sweat dropped, not needing to know just what Raito was looking so smug about and why L looked as traumatized as he did.

"Good." The sexy brunette smiled coquettishly as he daintily crossed his legs, his eyes alight with amusement. "Now, any other concerns father?"

Soichirou sweat dropped.

"… … … I think that about covers it, Raito."

"Thought so." The suave egotist eagerly stood up and embraced his father as the man awkwardly patted his back, still glaring evilly at L. "I know you'll be happy once we finally get all of this over and done with, and meet you're new granddaughter or grandson!"

The glare on Soichirou's face only grew in strength as L sweat dropped.

Sachiko gave the poor 31-year-old a small smile as she passed him a plate of cookies that had seemingly spawned out of thin air, making him practically froth at the mouth from pure joy.

'Oh, my family...'

* * *

L sighed as they stood outside the adoption agency, eyes narrowed in irritation.

"Once again, Raito-kun enjoys surprise attacking me in my more vulnerable moments." L muttered as the stunning brunette pushed him passed the double doors and quickly made it down the lengthy hallway and into the receptionist's office, a smiling older gentleman greeting them behind a desk as his dark hair glinted against the artificial light of the bright room.

"Well, if I didn't, we probably would have never made the appointment with the way you procrastinate, _Ryuuzaki_." Raito muttered as he smiled at the receptionist in front of them.

L gulped as the reddish tint of the walls seemed to over-crowd him, carefully pushing himself closer to his boyfriend's back as Raito waved at the calm man pausing in his writing as he beckoned the two men closer.

"You must be our three o'clock appointment... a Yagami-san, and Ryuuzaki-san?" the older man pulled up the bifocals that had been precariously perching over the bridge of his nose, stilling giving them a genial smile as Raito grinned and nodded, pulling L up by his side as the gangly dark-haired man attempted to hide behind his lover. "Well, Whammy-san is waiting for the both of you right within his office, so you can go in and meet him right through this door in front of you. He's very excited to meet you, by the way."

"Oh, thank you very much." Raito looks as excited as is normal to be when making the next big step in one's life, and L can't help but think that such a look is beautiful on him. So much so, that without L noticing, a small grin overcomes his own lips as he keeps his hold on Raito's hand slouches within the office after him.

The elderly man behind the desk once again smiles knowingly before getting back to his work, wondering just how two men so despairingly different would handle being parents.

"_Ryuuzaki, get your hand off my ass right now. You are not getting in my pants, no matter what you say otherwise."_

"_Raito-kun, I am only getting prepped for what is to come..."_

"_That shouldn't involve your hands, my pants or my ass, you pervert!"_

"_Oh, Raito-kun... no matter what you say, it will always end with my hands down your pants as I grab your-"_

"_Ryuu-za-ki..."_

The man sweat dropped as he dropped his pen and the door finally closed.

Well... he had seen stranger.

* * *

"So..." Another elderly man, but this one much more of age than the first, smiled in a grandfather-sort of fashion as Raito and L walked into the room, dark eyes narrowed in amusement as L pushed the chair that had been sitting beside the one Raito had chosen much closer to his lover than it had been previously, much to the brunette's chagrin. "The both of you wish to adopt a child?"

"Uh... yes, sir." Raito gave a small, almost meek smile as L picked up his legs and gave the white-haired man behind the desk an owlish stare. In Quillsh Whammy's defense, he actually smiled in silent delight as L wrapped his arms around his knees, not noticing Raito as he sweat dropped in embarrassment. "I believe I spoke to you on the phone about our... circumstances, Whammy-san."

"I must admit, Yagami-san, two men wishing to adopt might be a bit peculiar to some agencies, but you will not have to worry about ours." Quillsh pulled his hands together as he interlocked his fingers, nodding his head as he spoke. "I believe that anyone who wants a child, and has both the means to support and love one, should be granted the same rights as anyone else. And I truly believe that from what I have learned from you, Yagami-san, you will be able to provide a very good home to whatever child you choose from here at Whammy's."

"Thank you, Whammy-san." Raito murmured as he felt a hand then reach over the handle of his chair and grab his own, his caramel brown eyes glistening with happiness. "So tell me, what will have to do to get this adoption process rolling."

"Well, usually it takes a long period of time to finish up all the paper work and background checks on all the members of the family, as I am sure you know. The actual adoption process can be quite lengthy; I won't lie." Quillsh gave Raito an inquisitive glance as the 24-year-old blushed in embarrassment, caught in his researching as of late. "But first, before we get to any of that, we must introduce you to the children and establish which you choose to create a connection with, and who you may wish to eventually take home with you."

"When can we do that?" Raito practically bounced in his seat as the older man grinned, not noticing the darkening look covering L's eyes.

"We may do that now, if you would like." Quillsh quickly got up as he motioned for them to follow. "Do you have time?"

"Of course!"

Without another word, L was once again dragged from his seat as both men strolled out of the room, hand still encaged within Raito's.

'Why me...?'

* * *

"Wow... who would have thought there would be so many to choose from?" L exclaimed out loud. Raito sweat dropped as the man in charge of the orphanage smiled back at the seemingly naïve artist as if he had not referred to the children he took care of as a shopping selection of some sort.

"We try."

Raito attempted to hold down the giggle of insanity that threatened to bubble up from his throat, as he tried to ground himself to reality.

If he couldn't deal with the things L said at this point, then kids just weren't for him.

"Do you two have a specific age group, gender or any other sort of specific aesthetics in the child?" L turned to Raito as the younger of the two blinked.

"Age group...?" Raito thought out loud. He pondered to himself for a moment before shaking his head. He wanted a child, but that was it.

Age or aesthetics weren't really a deciding factor, but...

"Nothing actually specific, but if it's all the same, I think it would be better to keep it under the age of ten." Raito smiled at the older gentleman behind the desk as Whammy nodded in acceptance.

"Of course, I'm sure we'll be able to accommodate your needs just fine." Quillsh folded his hands over his desk as he leaned forward. "It helps that you are so general in your wants. These children are always looking for a chance to stand out and appeal to adults."

L remained quiet as the two other men in the room hammered out the rest of the specifics and made an appointment for another day to see more of the children in question. The older artist didn't much care what child they received, as long as they made his lover happy.

He hadn't wanted to say anything to Raito, but he wasn't much of a "kid" person, himself. Hell, he wasn't much of an "orphanage" person, either, but Raito still managed to get him to do these crazy things...

Oh, what he did for his tasty piece of holy Raito ass.

Raito bowed (and elbowed L in the ribs so he would do the same) as the meeting was done with and grabbed L's hand as they made their leave. Giddiness infiltrated his chest as the thought of what their new child might look like came into mind.

L continued to stay silent as they walked out of the orphanage. He didn't know why, but L had a strong feeling that the next time they came, Hell was most definitely going to be unleashed.

He didn't know how right he was.

* * *

"The children are all in the Rec-room, today. I thought it would be a nice way to observe them equally, in a sociable atmosphere." Quillsh explained to the two younger men beside him. L held his thumb to his lips, as his other hand clasped Raito's own hand clasped tightly within his own.

Why was he so nervous? They were just kids...

Right?

As the door opened, a flood of children's screams were let loose upon the three men. Raito smiled in excitement as he didn't notice the look of panic setting in his lover's face.

'What the... where are all the cages!' L thought shockingly. The kids were running around everywhere, all of them a big, jumbled mess. L looked at Raito, ready to tell him that he want to get the _**Hell **_out of there, but the beautiful smile laying on the younger man's face stop him in his tracks.

"I think we should split up and look around; see if any of the kids catch either of our attentions in particular." L's eyes widened outrageously as his grip on his lover's hand tightened almost painfully. Raito looked at him quizzically as L stretched a fake smile across his pale lips and nodded his head in false agreement.

'Why do I feel like I just accepted my own personal one-way trip down a spiral of DOOM...?'

"Great!" Exclaimed Raito even more enthusiastically than before. The younger artist wrenched his hand out of the other's death grip as L whimpered silently to himself.

'Come back, Raito-kun! Don't leave me with these...' L halted his thoughts as he gazed at the multitude of faces now staring at him with innocent, wide eyes. 'Demon spawn. They all look like... demon spawn.'

It was after that thought that the questions began.

"Your eyes are weird. Do you use eyeliner? Eyeliner's for girls, isn't it?"

"Do you think he's a giwl?"

"He don't look like one... at least not a pwetty one."

"Why does your hair lean to one side? Is it scared of you?"

"You'w awful skinny, mistew. Do you even eat? Are you ano- ano-"

"Anowexic?"

"Yeah! That! Are you that?"

"Are you like... old enough to even adopt?"

Yes, demon spawn seemed to be the appropriate words to use as L shifted away from the seemingly possessed children.

"God, can't you brats just leave the poor guy alone! Poor guy looks like he's ready to have a freaking spaz attack and you snot-nosed idiots just keep breathing down his damn neck!" A young voice bellowed over the roar of children.

The 31-year-old turned to look in the direction of the voice and blinked in surprise. A small blonde boy, maybe about six years old, wearing all black with a rosary dangling from his tiny neck stood imposingly over the children.

A redhead wearing goggles and a striped tee-shirt about the same age leaned against the other boy. He seemed disinterested in the whole scene, all the while staring entrancingly into the Gameboy he held in his hands. The small child beside the violent blonde opened his mouth, ready to speak as well-

"What he said."

'Well...' L thought to himself as he bit his thumb in thought. 'My attention was officially caught.'

* * *

_Meanwhile, over where Raito was..._

* * *

Child after child vied for the young man's attention, but Raito simply brushed them all off with a small smile. He didn't know why, but none of these children seemed to be what he was looking for.

'Too fat... too hippy-looking... too pretty... too ugly... too emo... oh, too perky! Gah, what the hell! You'd think I'd be satisfied with any kid off the street, but these kids... I don't know.'

Cinnamon eyes drooped as the collection of children began to jump around like puppies, desperate in trying to catch the older man's gaze. It was when the gaggle of children began tugging at his crisp, white collared shirt that Raito saw him, quietly sitting in a far off corner by his lonesome.

Silvery white hair twirled over dark, midnight eyes as a young child of maybe three or four years old sat on the floor, away from the other children. The young boy seemed to be in his own world entirely, where as the other children continued to grapple for his sight.

Raito gently pushed away the other children and made his way to the boy, his curiosity finally piqued.

Obsidian eyes (so familiar...) sleepily looked up as a tall shadow fell over them. Warm brown eyes encompassed the younger boy's vision as the 24 year old smiled gently upon the child.

"Hey... can I sit down, here?"

"..." The boy stayed silent for a minute, almost like he was analyzing the older man before him (and that just wasn't possible), until he finally nodded in consent.

Raito's grin brightened even more as the young boy gave him a toy, along with that, permission to play alongside him.

The other children simply stared.

* * *

"So... what are your names?" L boldly asked the explosive blonde as the crowd of obnoxiously curious children finally dispersed.

"I'm Mihael..." The blonde boy now known as Mihael then pointed at his vacant friend, rolling his eyes in agitation. "And this is Mail."

"Hey." The goggled boy absently interjected after hearing his name thrown into the conversation. Mihael rolled his eyes once more as he crossed his arms and obviously looked L over.

"Hmph. You're here to adopt some brat? You don't look like the type to want to have kids." Mihael concluded after a moment of silence. L smiled in his awkward way as he brought one of his thumbs up to his mouth and spoke around it.

"That's because I'm not."

Mihael blinked in confusion.

"Then why the heck are you here?" Mail spoke from Mihael, finally looking up at the insomniac artist.

L shifted his gaze until he found what he was looking for, and lifted his arm to point in the general direction where Raito, and apparently another boy, sat.

"Because he is."

* * *

"You know, we've been playing robots for a little while now, and yet you still haven't told me your name." Raito spoke through the amenable silence. The boy's coal black eyes widened in what could have been surprise (maybe?) as he shyly gazed at Raito with slightly hooded lids.

"You... you want to know my name?" The boy asked quietly.

"Well, if I want to adopt you, it'd be the first thing I'd have to know, right?" Raito twirled a robot through the air and let it land gracefully (or not) on the ground. The boy stayed silent for a moment, before turning to the fallen robot.

"Nate."

Raito smiled.

"And I'm Raito." The 24-year-old pulled out his hand towards the boy as Nate reached out for it hesitatingly, a small smile of his own in place.

"YOU'RE WITH A GUY!" Came an outstanding shriek as both man and boy quickly looked over to the yeller in question.

"L?" Raito asked in confusion.

"Mihael..." Nate sighed exasperatingly.

"So you're gay? Well, that explains a lot." Mail nodded in acknowledgment.

"You mean you couldn't tell?" L bluntly stated with his creepy smile in place. The children (other than Mihael and Mail) began to back away from the man in sudden fear.

"L, stop scaring the children!" Raito exclaimed in extreme annoyance, not noticing the uncomfortable way the boy next to him stared at the other artist. Nate blinked at the other man before moving closer to Raito and setting himself on the man's lap.

Raito grinned.

L glared.

Mihael gaped.

Mail played.

The other children in the orphanage just continued to stare as the chaos around them continued to flow through, somehow not knowing how to deal with possible insanity just peeking over the horizon.

And yet as L watched as his lover cradled the small child within his lap with such a loving grin on his face, he couldn't help but wince at the sudden sickening feeling that he'd somehow just manged to fall right into the other man's trap; hook, line and sinker.

* * *

And now... they have been introduced. All hail the kids in all of their home-wrecking-glory. XD You'll see what I mean soon enough. Lol! Hoped you guys enjoyed the chappie, and trust me... it only goes downhill from here. Yay.

* * *


	5. A Collection of Sorts

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Five: _A Collection of Sorts_

* * *

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"So…"

"Yeah…"

"… Raito-Daddy?"

Raito felt his jaw drop in surprise as L's lips quirked downward.

"N-Nate?! Ah…"

"Well… You want to be my daddy, don't you? So, when does Raito get to be my new daddy? Will he prefer for me to just call him daddy? Or perhaps just Raito is fine? I prefer daddy, if it's alright. How long will it be until I can leave? Does Raito live with this creepy man? Is it ok if we throw the creepy man out? He looks like he does naughty things to children. What's the word… A ped-o-phile… yes… he looks like a pedophile."

L felt his own eye twitch for once, glaring down at the child within Raito's lap, wishing him ultimate doom and destruction.

Raito just sweat dropped at the sudden tense atmosphere, wondering just how a child so small could have a vocabulary so extensive.

"Err… Nate…"

Nate glance up at Raito with large shining pools of obsidian, light silvery hair contrasting greatly with the boy's darkened gaze.

"Yes, daddy?"

"…"

L felt his eyes narrow even further as Raito gazed down at the small child within his lap with large glistening eyes.

Oh fuck.

This was bad.

Raito was officially in mommy-mode.

'But he doesn't have a mommy complex at all, of course…' L inwardly rolled his eyes as pink sparkles began to dance around his lover's excited face, only enhancing the glittering eyes and simpering smile.

"Oh my god… Nate… that was…"

"Wait, wait, wait, WAIT!"

Both L and Raito turned around as the blonde dressed in black glowered over at the tiny child still perched within Raito's lap, dark eyes spastically crackling in sheer anger.

"You mean you actually are entertaining the thought of wanting to adopt this… this… crumpled up brat with a hidden superiority complex?!" The six-year-old flailed cutely as Raito's eyes only glistened all the more, L sweat dropping at the sight. "He's not even house-trained, for God's sakes!"

"I think I'm old enough to know proper decorum in a home, unlike you, you idiot." Nate deadpanned as Raito and L blinked, staring down at the kid huddled comfortably within Raito's arms.

"AM NOT AN IDIOT, AND THAT IS SO NOT THE POINT! You," Mihael pointed at the small boy as he sighed, Optimus Prime toy still within his hand as he contemplated just how much he enjoyed playing with it and how much satisfaction he would get from throwing it at the irritating blonde. "Are the Devil's advocate, spawn of Satan and Lucifer himself all wrapped up in one wannabe-cute little package! I'm telling you, he's like the bubonic plague… but without the rat infestation! And did you hear him speak?! Who the hell speaks like that at FOUR?! THE SPAWN OF SATAN, THAT'S WHO!"

"Mwahahahahahahaha… he shall eat your souls and rape your dogs, all whilst maintaining his children of the corn demeanor… yes… That, and munch on some Funions, just cuz they're so damn delicious…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

The two men and children stared at Mail as he blinked, shrugging in response.

"What?! Funions are the fucking shizzle! And it sounded like a funny idea at the time… geez…" The boy went back to his gaming as he zoned out of the conversation once more. "Anyways, what was the prissy little girly-boy saying again before he-she was so rudely interrupted?"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING A GIRLY-BOY, YOU ASS?! I'LL EAT YOUR GUTS FOR DINNER AND CRAP OUT YOUR BRAIN AFTER SOME WHOLESOME FIBER INTAKE, PANSY-PANTS!"

Mail barely blinked, eyes once again trailing back towards his gaming device.

"… … Uh… You?"

"YOU SON-OF-A-!"

"MIHAEL!" Quillsh poked his head from behind the door and gave the boy a murderous glare as his mustache quivered, the feisty blonde suddenly lost all fight and backed away from the scary-looking old man with the twitching mustache. "No swearing, please."

Raito face-faulted as L chewed on his thumb, wondering when he would be able to get home and eat his cake that was waiting for him on top of the counter.

'Mm… cakey-cake-cake…'

"Yes sir…"

"Mihael has anger issues." Nate announced to both men, who were now in their own world, not noticing the venomous stare sent his way via Mihael. "I, on the other hand, do not possess any such violent qualities within my personality and am quite easy-going at all times. Therefore, you should adopt me and not listen to the short boy with high-blood pressure and chocolate addiction made of steel."

"Because you're boring!" Mihael interjected. "And look as if you're going to hypnotize somebody with that creepy stare! No wonder you haven't been adopted yet; creepiness seems to radiate from you like cream filling from a Twinkie! At least I have personality and _style_, you jack-ass!"

Mail suddenly nodded after he gaze the child a quick perusal, looking more interested now that the word 'Twinkie' had been put out there.

"Blondey has a point. You really carry the creepy-vibe quite well. Kind of a lot like Mr. Pervert-McGee over there who's staring at the cute guy's ass while he's on all fours, offering himself like he's some kind of feast."

Raito blinked as he set Nate aside, kneeling on the ground as he glanced over his shoulder suspiciously, somehow not at all surprised by the strange grin on L's face as his eyes stayed glued to his rear which was now propped up in the air thanks to the awkward position of his back.

Eye twitch.

"DAMN IT, RYUUZAKI, EVEN IN FRONT OF KIDS?!"

L simply smirked, giving the younger man a thumb's up as he kept his sights on Raito's behind.

"Oh, Raito-kun… _especially _in front of children. That is when is when watching your rear end jiggle is the most fun."

"… … My butt doesn't jiggle." Raito muttered, pouting at the insult as the kids stared at L as if he were some kind of weirdo.

Which he was.

But still.

He had seniority as a weirdo at this point.

"I meant it in a good way, Raito-kun. Like… spongy cake. Light, moist, firm and especially squishy. Mm… spongy cake and Raito-kun's behind…" L licked his lips as he imagined his two favorite things combined to make a much more _fantastical_ favorite thing…

"… Dude." Mail pointed in L's direction as Raito straightened up, goggled eyes widening in surprise. "I have to ask, cuz I'm pretty sure everyone at this point is wondering themselves. How the freaking hell did _that guy_ end up with a fine piece of ass like you? That's like… like…"

"Like God marrying Satan?" Nate smirked, burrowing his head within his teddy bear's soft material as L glared over at him.

"Hitler getting it on with Churchill?" Mihael added in as he pulled out a piece of chocolate out from thin air, making everyone wonder just where the hell he got it from.

"Hussein wanting to bundle up with Bush?" Mail tapped his chin with his index finger, eyes rolling up to stare at the ceiling.

"… … Why are we continuing on with this?" Nate whispered over at Mihael, who was still chewing on his chocolate rather contently.

"Should have died like ten minutes ago, huh?" The blonde cyclone nodded as he licked his fingers.

"… … I didn't think I needed to say anything else."

"Huh." The redhead blinked as he continued to stare at the two mismatched men, his confusion still dripping off his facial features in obvious befuddlement. "So?"

"That is quite an easy question to answer for you… Mail, was it?" The dark-haired 31-year-old grabbed his lover's hand and pulled him towards him as Raito struggled against his titanium-like grip, sweat dropping in embarrassment. "And there is only one answer, along with my charming personality-"

L ignored the small cough Raito sent his way as Nate then joined him.

"And my great smile-"

Once again, L ignored the coughing fit now Raito, Nate, Mihael and Mail were now accompanying in.

"Is mostly because of my huge dic-"

"RYUUZAKI, I SAID-"

"YAGAMI-SAN! RYUUZAKI-SAN!" Raito stiffened within L's embrace as the much more immature artist blinked, turning towards the door, Quillsh once again poking his head in as his mustache twitched menacingly once again as the small smile once again pulled at the man's wrinkled cheeks. "No shouting, please. You have an example to set, after all."

"O-of course. I apologize, Whammy-san." Raito falteringly replied, not sure how to take the man's still twitching mustache.

Quillsh grinned.

"Quite alright, son."

The receding hairline and creepy mustache then disappeared from view as the door shut close, Raito's eye twitching as L groped his behind, not noticing the other children staring over at them in both befuddlement and disgust.

"At least we know who the uke is now." Mail murmured, laughing continuing in his gaming pleasure as Mihael stifled a chuckle, Nate simply blinking up at the both of them.

"What's a 'uke'?" Nate blinked up once more.

Raito glared over at L, the innocent expression on his face not saving him for a second.

'Soooo no sex for you later, you ass.'

"Don't worry about it, Nate." Raito patted him on the head, not noticing the thumb's up L then gave Mail and Mihael as he once again peered over at Raito's ass now bent over in front of him rather enticingly without the cinnamon-eyed artist knowing so.

"But-"

"Dude, he said not to worry about it!" Mihael cut in, hands on his hips as he glared at the smaller boy once more. "It's not like you need to know about it _now_…"

"So does that mean that Mihael knows what this 'uke' is from personal experience? And if so, will he tell me what it does? And will _we _be doing this in the future if it is something I will need to know about later on?" Nate blinked as he grabbed a lock of silvery hair from his head, twirling it as he glanced at the slightly older boy cutely.

Mihael blushed at the series of questions which actually managed to stun him into momentary silence as he sputtered, arms flailing sporadically as if he were trying to fly out of the room.

Mail nearly burst out into laughter right then and there as he quite nearly dropped his portable gaming device in glee, wondering just how he got so lucky to be at all the right places at just the right time.

L grinned perversely as he once again grabbed his lover's ass, delighting in its warm firmness as he thought of later on tonight, a tub of icing and a hell of a lot of lube… and quite possibly some rope if Raito got fiesty.

Raito simply said goodbye to his sanity as he felt his eye twitch, wondering just why he seemed to be cursed to forever be embarrassed by his boyfriend (a.k.a. the burden of his life) and his libido (a.k.a the _other_ burden of his life).

'Ah, fuck it…' The chestnut-haired 24-year-old almost forgot about the hand still clenching against his delicious behind as he continued to watch the three children fight amongst themselves, the overall cuteness throwing off his anger in one fell swoop. 'They're too precious to stay annoyed at. But… Oh god… they're _all_ too cute to not want… Oh shit, what the hell am I going to do?'

"RYUUZAKI-SAN!"

Both men jumped within their spots as the kids continued to bicker, Mihael's voice once again carrying over the group and making everyone wince in discomfort. Both Raito and L turned, L's hand barely moving from its spot on the bootylicious delight that was Raito's ass, only to be met with Quillsh's darkened gaze once more.

Quillsh Mustache Twitch of DOOM!

"No public displays of groping, please. The children are very impressionable, here."

Raito sweat dropped as L pouted, his hand falling off Raito's behind rather despondently.

"There goes my fun…"

"Thank you!"

"I'm going to get a tazer." Raito muttered as the boy's then all jumped each other, a pile of limbs intertwining together as white, black, and stripes became jumbled altogether. "And I am going to taze your balls one of these days, Ryuuzaki, so that you may never get it up ever again."

L felt his eyes widen as he stepped away from Raito, holding his crotch rather lovingly in his hands.

"Raito-kun is cruel…"

Mihael Back Handed Smack of Doom!

"GOD DAMN IT, NATE! NO BITING!"

Both men winced at the vicious bite marks now decorating Mihael's arm and the sounds of flesh hitting flesh as both Raito and L backed away three paces.

"Well, maybe if Mihael would stop putting his foot up my behind…"

"I think he wants more than his foot up your behind! OH SHIT, MY PSP, YOU FUCKING BASTARD!"

Raito sweat dropped.

"DAMN YOU, MAIL! DAMN YOU TO HELL!"

What to do, indeed.

* * *

"What is Raito-kun thinking about?" L tilted his head to the side as Raito continued to drive, nibbling on his lower lips in concentration.

"Me?" The brunette blinked as he turned slightly towards his lover, who was now huddled up within the passenger's seat. "I'm not thinking of anything particular, just…"

"Raito."

"It's nothing, L. I'm fine. Just fine. The finest fine in the whole entire universe. No one can compare to the type of fine I am at this moment now."

"Raito."

"See? I'm totally zen and center. Serenity now, and all that…"

"Raito."

"What? I just said I'm fine. What do you want, a puppy?"

"Raito."

"L."

"Raito."

"L."

"Raito… aren't I usually the childish one?"

"I'm not being childish."

"…"

"…"

"… Must I really say otherwise?"

Raito sweat dropped.

"No. That was a pretty half-assed statement, anyway."

"So…?" L stared intently at Raito as he continued to drive, his large eyes once again cultivating their Chibi-Look of Doom as the younger of the two sighed, not able to deny his lover almost anything when he looked at him in that way anyway. "Raito-kun? Please… Tell your cute sex machine what is the matter with his sugar bunny of love?"

Raito gave his boyfriend an odd glance as L simply stared at him with a vacant expression on his face.

Raito didn't even want to know.

"It's not a big deal, L…"

"Raito."

"Are we going to start this again?" Banging his hand against the steering wheel, Raito ignored the now slightly annoyed look L sent his way. "Because I figured that if we just pushed the issue under the rug long enough, you'd just leave me the hell alone after awhile and I'd finally get some damn time to me, myself and my own flipping thoughts, for once.

"Is Raito-kun going to get the stick that is shoved up his behind out from underneath it and just answer the question as it is presented, or is he going to continue to unnecessarily drag this out like he usually does for drama's sake?"

"What the hell does that mean?!"

"Does Raito-kun wish for me to be specific?"

The light-haired artist glared over at his obnoxiously blunt lover as pale skin and obsidian colored eyes glistened against the dim light pouring out over from the window, both men partially exhausted from the day's events, yet not wanting to admit so just yet.

"… … … You're being a douche-bag again. Stop it."

"Raito-kun should then stop avoiding the topic of conversation and should just simply answer the question I have asked."

"Well, why the hell should I answer it now?!"

"Because I have asked Raito-kun to."

"L…" Raito gritted his teeth as he thought of puppies… and ice cream… and clean dishes… along with a good L-Thrashing…

"Chances of Raito-kun having previously been an emotional woman with extreme levels of fluctuating Estrogen and an irritatingly disconcerting menstrual cycle before we had met, up 39 percent." L stuck a hand within his pocket as he spoke, smiling as he plucked out a random uncovered Jolly Rancher with a large piece of lint stuck to its side from within the depths of the pouch within his overly-baggy jeans.

"God damn it, L, do you really think you're going to get me to talk to you this way?!"

After a moment of silence, the older of the two blinked before bringing up a thumb to his pale lips and began to gnaw on it with vigor, not noticing the heavy blush decorating Raito's face as he did so.

"I suppose Raito-kun has a point about the comments made within the last five minutes, however…" L pulled the chewed-on appendage out of his mouth as he kept his dark, almost completely black stare on his lover as their apartment complex came into view, making Raito squirm within the driver's seat as his eye twitched in irritation. "I am quite sure that if I do not continue to prod, Raito-kun will allow this small niggling of whatever emotion it may be to fester until it finally boils over in the worst of ways…"

"Meaning," Raito dryly interjected, rolling his eyes in both agitation and mortification. "During sex?"

"… … That goes without saying, Raito-kun."

Raito sweat dropped as he pulled into their parking space, shaking his head in shame as L still continued to eye him as if he were the anti-Christ themselves.

"Can you at least wait until we get upstairs?" The tired brunette pleaded as the day's events began to blur together in his mind, not sure how he'd be able to handle this kind of exhaustion everyday if he _actually _went through with what he wanted to…

"I suppose that is satisfactory." L mumbled as he unstrapped his seat belt and basically jumped out of the car, making Raito want to smack himself in the face. "Or at least, the best I will receive from Raito-kun when he is in one of his 'moods'."

Eye twitch.

"You are such a douche-bag, L."

"And yet Raito-kun will still have sex with me later, so I suppose in the long run, it does not matter to me."

Eye twitch.

"… Just get upstairs, you ass."

"…"

"…"

"… No. No ass jokes. No penis jokes. No sex jokes in general."

"But-"

"No. Sex. Jokes."

Raito felt the man virtually wither up in glee as he trotted over to the door with a large smile on his face.

"Raito-kun is such a kill-joy…"

* * *

Raito grabbed his keys from his pocket and looked over at L, who was staring at him with such intensity, that it actually managed to almost knock him off his feet at the unpredictability of it all.

"Raito-kun will begin speaking now as we are very nearly inside."

"L, we're not even-"

"Raito-kun, I wish to get past this as soon as possible so that we may get to our _own_ fun time as soon as possible."

Rolling his eyes, the brunette just gave up as he unlocked the door and allowed it to quietly slip open.

"So, L, the thing is-WHAT THE FUCK!"

"Raito-kun, what is the mat-"

"RAI-CHAN!"

_**CRASH!**_

A blur of blonde, pink and black flew past the doorway and tackled Raito headfirst as he squeezed his eyes shut and thought of the gigantic bruise now decorating his poor innocent backside.

'I am so sorry, my dear friend…'

"Misa…" Attempting to detach the squid-like appendages now stuck around his neck, Raito glanced up at his lover for some sort of help-

Only to shrivel away from the frightening glare set over his boyfriend's usually blank façade.

"Err… Misa? Don't you want to get inside and talk about... whatever it is the hell you want to talk about?"

Almost immediately, the gothic maelstrom that was Amane Misa jumped off her best friend forever (Urgh) and pulled him to his feet (once again, Raito had to wonder where all the women in his life got all this herculean strength from) as he stumbled after the insane blonde into his home. L blinked before strolling into their home, locking the door with a small frown as all possible thoughts of mauling his boyfriend had to now be put on hold indefinitely.

Damn it.

No booty-shaking time for him, then…

Though this did remind L that they really needed to change the lock on their damn door.

As the dark-haired artist pondered the mysteries that were women and their lock-picking abilities, L shuffled in after the deranged best friend and captive, moving past them as he made a bee-line straight into the kitchen.

Quite frankly, in L's world, if he couldn't get a piece of Raito ass, the next best thing was always a piece of delicious cake.

Raito sweat dropped as he was left alone to fend for himself.

'Damn pervert and his obsessive cake eating tendencies...'

"Ohmigosh, Rai-chan, why didn't you tell me you wanted kids?!" Misa exclaimed as Raito blinked in shock, not having told her such a thing beforehand.

"Who told you about that?!" The brunette felt the hairs on the back of his neck bristle up as an air of creepiness permeated his apartment.

"..."

"..."

"Err... internet?"

"Misa... is Mikami still spying on me?!"

"Um..."

Raito gave the girl a vicious glare as she squeaked in fear.

"Misa."

"Maybe... just a little?"

"Why, oh god, why me?"

"Well, we do still need to update our newsletter from time to time, ya know!"

"... ... Newsletter?"

Misa shrunk back a little as Raito's eye twitched.

"... ... ... Should I have not said anything?"

"Why am I somehow not surprised?"

"Surprised about what, Raito-kun?"

"Oh!" Raito sweat dropped as L plopped himself next to him on top of the sofa, Misa glaring over at the sugar-addicted insomniac as she continued to cling to Raito's arm. "Nothing, L! Nothing at all..."

"Hm..." L mumbled something under his breath before continuing on with his cake, eyes alight with childish glee.

"Raito should come out with me tonight to celebrate his future mommy-ness!" Misa exclaimed as she then proceeded to ignore L and his cake-gasm.

"I... don't know..." Raito glanced over at his boyfriend, for once willing him to begin one of his classic tantrums. "L?"

"As long as Raito-kun is back by twelve, I have no problems with this arrangement." L nodded as Misa grinned over at him for once. "I believe Raito needs some time to collect his thoughts."

Raito sighed.

The one time he wanted the man to actually be a prick...

Did L enjoy torturing him, or something?

"But-"

Misa jumped off the couch and pulled him up by the arm, once again making Raito wonder if she was taking extra vitamins or something.

"No buts! Except for this fantastic one..." Raito blushed as both Misa and L stared at his behind, not knowing how to respond without sucker-punching the both of them. "You are going to have a ball!"

"..."

"..."

"... I didn't mean that kind of ball. Jeez..."

The brunette artist rolled his eyes towards the ceiling as L continued eating his cake and Misa pulled him towards the staircase, leading him up into both his and L's room.

If only he knew what was in store for him.

He'd kill them both while he still had a chance.

* * *

Lol! I like this story. You kno what? I'm sorry, that's an understatement. I absolutely LOVE this story. The kids... are just so much fun. Mihael has to be my favorite to write, bar none (I don't think I need to specify why! Mwahahahahahaha!). Then Mail, since he's such a smart-ass. Then Nate, just cuz he's too cute (no creepy albino kid here! Yay!). Enjoy the chapter? Like Misa's cameo? Predict horrible chaos and confusion in the next coming chapter? Is Mikami finally making a comeback? What about Sayu?!

Oh, yes. Chaos is what I live for my friends. XD

Thanks for reading!


	6. Of Drunken Sex Gods and Strippers

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Six: _Of Drunken Sex Gods and Strippers_

* * *

Dark brown eyes scoured the area as thin tanned hands fixed the hem of the skirt the owner was wearing, the bright pink of the fabric contrasting greatly with both the dark surroundings of the club the person was standing in front of and the pale skin of the perpetrator's body, waiting for the perfect chance to strike.

Tossing their head back, short dark locks obscured the person's bespectacled vision as they walked past a group of men, all of them suddenly taking interest at the… young woman now strolling past them.

"_Look at the ass on that chick…" _

"_Shazam!"_

" _That is one scrumptious piece of ass-meat." _

"_I second that notion, and give that ass three thumbs-up; because it's so fucking awesome, it deserves an extra flipping thumb, damn it!"_

"_Agreed. I like big butts, and I cannot lie." _

"_Shit yes." _

"… … _I don't know. Something seems kind of strange about that lady, you guys." _

"_Dude… shut the hell up and enjoy the wonderful ass that Kami-sama himself has placed in front of you to enjoy as you were meant to enjoy." _

"_I'm just saying-!" _

"_Just saying- GREAT ASSES AHOY!"_

Creepy grin in full effect, the scantily-clad dark-haired beauty waited patiently as they leaned back against the wall, wafer-thin legs poised provocatively in what the person thought was an alluring manner.

Yes…

By the end of the night, they would have Yagami Raito right where they wanted them, for once and for all!

_**Cue Ominous Music...**_

'Damn it, where is that damn tape recorder when I need it…'

_**Bum, Bum, Buuuum!**_

Ah… better.

Ahem.

Now… where was he/she?

Oh, yes.

Operation: _**Get into Raito's Pants**_(A.K.A: G.I.R.P.) was officially in full effect!

And no perverted homeless-looking person with a huge penis was going to get in their way tonight...

Oh no.

Raito's sweet behind was his... hers.

Whatever.

* * *

"Rai-chan is going to have **so** much fun!" Misa giggled as she pulled Raito out of the bedroom, the casual slacks and smooth jade green collared shirt opened just a bit up by the collar looking as clean cut on the 24-year-old as always.

Brushing back his glossy sepia locks away from his effeminately pretty (though Raito would more than likely call it handsomely masculine, instead) face as L felt his eye twitch at the sight of the other man's exposed clavicle and smooth gold skin as the picture of utter perfection mocked both him and his aching crotch (which still hadn't gotten any love at this point).

Pointing the spoon still within his hand at the utterly sexy image that was his boyfriend, L almost sputtered for a moment before narrowing his wide-eyed stare and dropping his eating utensil within the bowl still within his lap, wondering if it was legal to leave the house that smexily gorgeous.

"Raito-kun is not leaving this house dressed as hotly as he is." L simply stated after a moment of awkward silence, not even deigning to spare his sexy boyfriend or his sexy boyfriend's sexy best friend another glance as he turned back to his sexy piece of cake.

Oh, how sexy it would be to be able to enjoy such sexiness within the confines of their bedroom, minus the annoying mannequin named Amane Misa and bulbous attitude inherent within his lover's personality...

Alas, the world was not a perfect place for such a horny individual such as L.

His libido would have to wait another day (Psh. Day... yeah...) to be satisfied.

"It's not like you're my father, Ryuuzaki. I think I'm old enough to go outside in a thong with a paper hat on my head and not need your permission, thanks." Raito scoffed, golden amber gaze smoldering with agitation.

L paused mid-cake bite as he turned towards Raito, giving him his patented L-glare.

"Raito-kun will wish to retract that statement unless he wishes for me to pound him into the ground right here and now whilst Misa-san watches."

"You would like that, wouldn't you?"

"Pounding Raito-kun into the ground? That goes without saying. Having Misa-san watch? Hm… I suppose I would not be adverse to it if it were absolutely necessary to have her here."

Misa cringed in horror as Raito glared over at his boyfriend, wondering why he was even surprised at this point.

"EWWIE! RYUUZAKI, YOU PERVERT! MISA-MISA WOULD NEVER WANT TO WATCH YOU DEFILE HER PRECIOUS RAI-CHAN!"

"… … … … You are so sick. Why am I with you, again?"

L grinned creepily as he pushed his cake onto the table for a moment and leaned forward on his haunches, eyes as wide as can be as obsidian black nearly enveloped the pale man's entire gaze.

"I can be even sicker if Raito-kun does not take back what he has said and continues to refuse to _button up that damn collar_."

Raito rolled his eyes as Misa pouted, stomping her foot against his beautiful wooden floor.

Misa Eye twitch.

"Ryuuzaki is such a possessive pervert! Can't _everyone_ enjoy the hotness that is Raito-chan without you being such a dick-wad?!" The explosive gothic princess chirped as she tugged on her short red skirt, her lips drawn into another small pout as she glared over at the pervert in slouched form.

L felt his eyes widen even further.

"Does Misa-san truly wish for me to answer such an idiotic question?"

"Grr…" Blonde hair stood on end as the spectacularly-dressed Goth glared over at the dark-haired anorexic artist blinking obliviously as he shoved another spoonful of cake into his mouth without the slightest bit of hesitation. "Ryuuzaki needs boundaries and a week of no sex to truly appreciate the awesome piece of man-meat he nails nightly! Rai-chan, stop giving it up and start zipping it up, and I mean now!"

"Oh, trust me, Misa-san." L gave the girl a thumbs-up as he slouched forward and slumped over to where they were standing, irking the two friends even further. Grabbing his lover by the waist, L pulled the man into a hug of steel before snuggling up against the gorgeous sex-god's exposed collar bone, reveling in the fuming aura Raito seemed to omit as he shook in anger within the older man's embrace. "No matter what happens, I appreciate _every _piece of this slab of ultra-sexy man-meat, especially the rea-"

"Are we done here?!" Raito finally exploded, trying to push off the insistent insomniac as he once again attempted to push his hands down his pants and into his-

_**SMACK!**_

"DAMN IT, RYUUZAKI, DON'T MAKE ME LAY THE SMACKDOWN ON YOUR SRAWNY ASS!"

"YEAH! YOU GO, RAI-CHAN! LAY IT ON HIM AND MAKE HIM FEEL THE PAIN!" Misa halted for a moment before blinking, the looks on both Raito and L's faces taking her off-guard for a moment, before realizing just what it was she herself had just said. "In a non-perverted way, of course. Misa-Misa does not wish to be scarred for life, after all."

"Misa-san, watching me do Raito-kun is like watching God create the world." L grinned perversely as Raito's eye twitched, wondering _why God, why?_ "There is only word for it… and it is… _magic_."

"… … Ryuuzaki is very strange and weird. The fact that you have ended up with Raito makes Misa question Raito's sanity."

"Oh, it's not his sanity you should question, but his consistency. And by consistency, I mean how many times he can take it in one night without complaining about his as-"

"TMI! TMI!" Misa shouted before putting her hands over her ears.

Raito felt himself sink down to the floor as his eye twitched in mortification.

Why couldn't he have any _stable_ friends?

Or _non-perverted _boyfriends, for that matter?

Hell, how about both?!

'_This isn't Bizarro World, my friend... make do with the creepy people you have in your life and be thankful it isn't oh so worse...'_

'And how can it be worse?!'

"Is Raito doing his freaky inner-talkie thing again?" Misa whispered towards the pervert as L blinked.

"Hm... It seems so. If he begins to cackle, I would advise you to step off to the side and allow him to finish his episode in peace."

"I'M NOT HAVING AN EPISODE, DAMN IT!"

"I think the vein popping out of your forehead would beg to differ, Raito-kun."

"You are such an asshole, Ryuuzaki!"

"... ... ... I like Raito-kun's asshole if that is what he means by such a statement. I also have an asshole, if that helps..."

Misa sweat dropped as she backed away from the disturbed duo, slightly creeped-out by the widening smile overlapping L's face as Raito quite literally began to beat the crap out of him.

'Kinky…'

"Misa, let's go!"

"But we can't! At least, not yet!"

"And why not?!"

"Because… because…"

_**Swish-**_

_**SLAM!**_

"WHAT'S UP, EVERYBODY?! WHERE ARE ALL MY BITCHES AND HOES, Y'ALL?!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… And by bitches and hoes, I mean Raito, of course! Now, where's the smexiest man alive, A.K.A., my onii-chan, A.K.A., Ryuuzaki's man-bitch all wrapped up in one completely adorable package!"

Sayu grinned as Raito's eye twitched, quite sure he was going to spasm one of these days and just spontaneously combust into a pile of sexy pink glitter one of these days.

Oh, the joys of being Raito's sister.

"Misa… Sayu…"

Eye Twitch.

Misa giggled nervously.

Sayu smirked in her normally psychotic way.

L simply stared at his lover's sexy self, wondering how something so spectacular could possibly be man-made.

Raito felt his eye twitch once again, wondering if it were possible to die of overt-twitchiness.

"Did you two plan this out beforehand?" Raito calmly asked, taking in deep breaths as L quietly scurried back to his side, trying to appear as inconspicuous as a perverted panda look-alike could be without getting the Wrath of Raito shed upon them.

"Err…"

"Well, you see, what happened was…"

"And it was like..."

"ICE CREAM AND CHEESE!"

"…"

"…"

"What?" Raito looked over at Misa as Sayu stared at her as if she were retarded and L placed himself all the closer to Raito's general sexy vicinity.

Though it wouldn't be that far of a stretch now that Raito actually thought about it, thinking back to the time when Misa had 'locked' herself within her own car… threw herself out a window and broke her leg...

Yeah. Really not much of a stretch at all.

"I meant," Misa giggled nervously as she once again played with the hem of her extremely short skirt. "That we had originally meant to bring you out for ice cream to celebrate, and the place we usually go to has the most _fantastic_… cheese."

"They do?" Sayu whispered, eye brow quirking up in bemusement.

Misa glared over at her, light brown eyes heavily lined in black kohl twitching in irritable agitation. "You are so not helping, Miss Imagay."

"… … … Damn fan girls and their obsessions with coincidental last names." Both Raito and Sayu muttered, figuring it wasn't even worth the argument at this point.

But that was a potential argument left for another day...

And Raito didn't feel like putting up with anymore puns, for the time being.

"Now, listen you two," Raito began, already preparing himself to go into full lecture mode as a sneaky L slumped over directly behind him, smiling down at the prize now presented in front of him. "I appreciate that the both of you want to celebrate this momentous occasion with me, but the fact of the matter is that I haven't even decided what child I'm going to adopt, or if adopting is really for me, or if L and I can _really_ handle a child right now-"

"Wait, what?! You said... you said... WHAT?!" Sayu tackled the man as she bum-rushed towards him head-first, fiery brown eyes scaring the crap out of poor Raito. "WE DID NOT SPEND ALL MY VALUABLE TIME LOOKING THROUGH PAMPHLETS OF A KIDDIE-RAPIST'S LAND OF DREAMS AND PEDO-SEX ALONG WITH WORKING THROUGH YOUR PISSY INSECURITIES TO HAVE YOU TELL ME THAT YOU ARE NOW OFFICIALLY HAVING DOUBTS! YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SOME BABIES, MISTER, AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I WILL HAVE A NIECE OR NEPHEW TO HELP ME WREAK HAVOC ON YOUR SMEXY LIFE! IS THAT CLEAR, RAITO?!"

"... ... Are you high?" The 24-year-old asked incredulously, wondering if they made strait-jackets for his sister's kind of crazy.

"My point is," The young girl ignored the question as she stood up, brushing off the dirt from her black pants and plum halter-top whilst still giving her brother the evil eye. "That I know you want kids, you know you want kids, and the fact is... we both know that you're going to get kids, no matter how prissy and coy you act about it. Now, are you going to shut up and party like it's your birthday, or am I going to have get 50 Cent on your ass and shoot you nine times before dragging your broken body out into my car and having a fiesta on your bloody carcass?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

"Well?!"

"God damn it, Sayu, fine! Just get the hell out of here and wait in the damn fucking car, you crazy bitch!" Raito grabbed his jacket off the coat rung and shooed both grinning women out of the apartment as he turned back to his lover at hand. "I'll be back as soon as I am able, ok?"

L nodded before shuffling his way over the door, bare feet sliding against the cool wooden panels. "As long as Raito-kun returns before his curfew, I am fine. And after he is settled in, we shall have a nice lengthy discussion so that Raito-kun can finally make up his mind and stop pussy-footing around. Quite frankly, it becomes tedious after awhile, Raito-kun."

"Of course, L." The 24-year-old weary brunette sighed as L leaned forward and laid a chaste peck on his lips, quite sure if his hands went below the belt one more time, he'd castrate the man and let the dog next door eat his 'special package' for breakfast.

"Oh, and Raito-kun?"

"Yes, L?"

L quickly buttoned up the rest of Raito's shirt as the younger of the two sweat dropped, barely even flinching as the dark-haired gaunt man pushed him out the door with his signature blank look belying the smirk hidden within his eyes.

"I win."

The door shut almost abruptly as the pristine artist rolled his eyes and turned away from the entrance of both his and L's apartment, quite sure that if given the chance, he would totally punch his lover in the face... even if for just being himself.

"I love you too, L…" Raito muttered sarcastically as he then toyed with the buttons pressed against his collar bone…

Only to keep them as they were.

Raito sighed as he made it down the hallway and waited for the elevator to come up to his floor, knowing he had lost the game before it had even started.

It really would do the pervert no good to know just how much of a hold he actually had on the poor man…

* * *

"Oh, you've got to be shitting me." Raito whispered as Misa and Sayu pulled him within the stormy-looking club, eyes narrowing in a fit of twitchiness that surprised even Raito himself. "I… am not going in there."

"But Raito…"

"Raito, you are being no fun whatsoever!"

"You do realize that if Ryuuzaki finds out that you brought me here," Raito began as his feet stayed implanted on the ground, mouth set in a straight line as he stared at the two insane women still managing to pull him forward into the establishment, albeit not without effort. "That he will kill you both and then rape and kill me? And then rape my dead body, just to reassert whatever dominance he actually _thinks _he has in our relationship?"

"Really, Raito." Sayu smiled as Misa giggled, both of them making pretty good time as the bouncer gave them a thumbs-up and stared at Raito before giving the unstable brunette a 'call me!' sign... not noticing Raito as he gave him a 'fuck you!' sign in return. "I'm pretty sure the only one who thinks they have any dominance in this relationship is you."

"Not true!"

"… … Raito, the man gave you a _curfew_."

"So?! Doesn't mean I have to follow through, or anything! For the love of God, I'm not some sort of _child_ he has to take care of…"

Both Misa and Sayu gave the man a dubious glance as all the people around them began to back up a slight bit, wondering just what the hell was the matter with the two ladies pulling the absolutely drop-dead gorgeous man towards the _all male_ strip club just in front of them…

"_Ah, fuck! There goes one form of entertainment!"_

"_So… hot…"_

"Raito, the man almost has a coronary when you don't call him to let him know what you're doing and where you're at during precise times of the day!"

"That just makes him a good boyfriend…"

"_Man-sex galore! Anybody got a camera?"_

"_I do!"_

"_YAY!"_

"Raito, he stands outside your apartment when you go out for _hours at a time_, and then drags you upstairs and locks you in your room to have wild man-sex for who knows how long!"

"I… don't think I mind that so much, to tell you the truth."

"_This is so going on my Myspace page…" _

"_Fuck Myspace, take a damn picture, already! Desktop, time to meet some sexy sexiness that is… that guy." _

"_Yes, indeed…" _

"SO YOU ADMIT THAT YOU LOVE TO RECEIVE HIS GINORMOUS MANHOOD UP YOUR-"

"SAYU! PLEASE! SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!"

"Just tell me that you enjoy Ryuuzaki's manly splendor in all its glory and I shall promptly shut the fuck up."

"… … Really?"

"Really, really."

"Somehow, I just can't believe it would be that simple to get you to stop being yourself."

"That hurts, onii-chan." Sayu pointed at her heart, a mockingly-sad look perched on her face as Raito rolled his eyes. "That hurts a lot… Right here."

"I'm sure you'll survive." Raito muttered as he stared at the open door, eye twitching at the sight of men and women running around in a drunken haze. "Fine. Whatever you say, Sayu. Can I go home now?"

"HA HA! I HAVE MANAGED TO GET ONII-CHAN BOTH IN THE CLUB AND OUT OF DENIAL ABOUT HIS UKE-NESS! YESH! I AM THE MASTA!"

The people within the club actually stopped what they were doing and stared at the young girl as she cackled in the background, making Raito feel as if he were in a psych-ward instead of a strip club.

Wrenching his way out of his sister's and best friend's grip, the young artist chanced a glance around the establishment, already sensing everyone's eyes set on him… _even the strippers themselves. _

'Ah, what the fucking hell…'

One of the strippers on stage tore off his shirt and threw it in Raito's direction, catching his gaze directly and winking at the crimson-cheeked 24-year-old.

And it was only then that it finally registered within the man's mind just what this situation would inevitably lead to if Ryuuzaki really _did_ find out where he was…

'Oh shit…'

Strip…

Club…

Raito glanced over his shoulder to make sure that L wasn't hanging off one of the lamps, glaring down at him whilst simultaneously taking off his pants in that vulgar way of his.

'Oh, fuck me.'

Looking off towards the bar, Raito decided that if he had to endure this… well, he might as well be as drunk out of his mind as possible while doing whatever the hell it was he was supposed to be doing.

* * *

'I wonder what Raito is doing right now…'

L frowned as he bit into another piece of his brownie, dark brown crumbs hanging off his cheeks and lips as he continued to stare at the door in silence.

'There is a 87 percent probability that Raito is most likely being hit on and continually verbally harassed _right at this moment_…'

Yet the sickly-looking insomniac did not move from his perch on top of the couch as he munched on his brownie once more.

'There is also a 59 percent probability that Sayu is making horrifyingly embarrassing comments at Raito's expense and a 96 percent probability that Misa is making an ass out of herself, as per usual.'

Still, L did not move. Bare toes wiggling against the warm cushions of the couch only amplified the comfortable feeling inside L's chest as he shoved the rest of the brownie within his mouth and reached forward to grab a gigantic chocolate-chip cookie off the large plate filled with goodies on top of the small table sitting within the living room.

Something was missing however…

'There is a 99 percent probability that this would be all the more enjoyable if my Raito was here.'

Digging his cell phone out of his pocket, L dialed his lover's cell phone number in that his mysophobic way of his, carefully punching the numbers in a certain sequence and with as little touching as possible.

After two rings, the impercievable sound of people laughing and loud music echoed within the other line, as a distinctly familiar voice giggle into the receiver of the phone he was calling to.

"_He-lllooooooo…_"

L felt his eye twitch in agitation as Raito giggled into the phone once more.

"_Is this the phone monster? Oh noes! You're not going to take away my Schnaps, are you?! My boyfriend knows martial arts, and he'll kick your sorry ass, mother fucker!_"

"Raito-kun…" Ignoring the yelp of glee in the background of the phone, L continued on as calmly as possible. "How many drinks have you consumed in that last hour you have been gone?"

"_Ryuu-chan… erm…_"

"Rai-chan, be honest."

"… … _Within the last hour?_"

"**Yes, Raito. Within the last hour you have been gone from my sight, how many alcoholic beverages have you drank.**"

"_Ryuu-chan sounds mad… I don't like Ryuu-chan when he's being all mean and grouchy! Does he want me to make him all better?!_"

"Raito-kun is not answering the question!"

A sigh was heard over the ear piece as a small drumming sound replaced the exhalation of breath.

"_Um… five? Or six? I can't remember… maybe seven?_"

"…"

"_Ryuu-chan is angry! I don't want my Ryuu-chan to be all angry! I'll have sex with him right now, and make him all nice and happy again!_"

"Raito-kun…" L almost hit himself in the head as he stood up, wondering why he thought leaving Raito in Misa's and Sayu's care was even remotely a good idea. "Please do not say such things out loud, as you do not know who is listening and will attempt to take advantage of you in the state you're in."

"… … … _Uh… peanuts?_"

L sweat dropped.

"Where is Raito-kun situated, and I will pick him up myself." L finally asked as he bent over and picked up his raggity sneakers and pulled them over his bare feet, toes already tingling as they were suffocated by the enclosed feeling of space surrounding them by exposed leather and rubber.

"_I don't think Ryuu-chan wants to come here._"

At the sound of the anxiety suddenly spiraling within his lover's drunken voice, L felt his stomach drop to his feet as he glared over at his jacket before pulling it over his thin shoulders.

"Why does Raito-kun say that?"

"… _I don't wanna say._"

"Raito-kun, tell me where you are at this moment in time or there will be hell to pay."

Grabbing his keys from the table, L finally made his way out the door as he kept his two finger grip over the phone, wondering how someone so intelligent and eloquent (when not completely and utterly annoyed or pissed off) such as Raito could become so cutely moronic when they were drunk.

"_Ah… but Ryuu-chan…_"

"Raito-kun. Hell. To. Pay."

"_Ok, ok… but don't say I didn't warn you when you freak out and then get all mad and then make me sad and then start beating people and then making me even sadder and then being all pissy!_"

L halted by the door, eyes now narrowed in suspicion.

"Raito-kun, what do you mean by that?"

* * *

"Well… Uh… I'm… at a… strip club?"

"… … _Oh._"

"Oh? Tha's it? Oh?"

Raito almost felt relieved for a moment...

"_WHAT THE HELL IS RAITO-KUN DOING AT AN ESTABLISHMENT SUCH AS THAT?! IS MY PALPABLE SEXUALITY AND STIMULATING FOREPLAY NOT ENOUGH TO SATISFY RAITO-KUN?! IF SO, I WILL TAKE HIM RIGHT NOW AND SHOW HIM SATISFACTION IN WAYS HE HAS NEVER FELT, DAMN IT!_"

And then promptly sweat dropped as the yelling continued over the other line, taking another sip of his drink that lay sitting quite comfortably on top of the bar he was now leaning against.

"Ryuu-chan sounds mad…"

"… _**Mad **does not even begin to **cover **what I am feeling at this moment, Raito-kun. Name and Address of the club, please_."

Raito passed the phone off towards the bartender who blinked before hesitatingly grabbing the phone and speaking into it, not sure where he was anyway, and not caring for the now clipped tone fraying the edges of his lover's usually monotone voice.

"Err... Hi?"

'Doo, doo, doo… I love to eat applesauce and graham crackers… Mm… graham crackers sound really good right now…' Barely paying attention to the person speaking in front of him, Raito traced the rim of the glass he had just finished drinkin out of, laughing inside his head as he thought about how balloons shapped like penises could be bent to make animals. 'Penis-shaped animals... I love Animal Planet and their penis-filled habitats. Hm... I wonder if MaGyver is going to be on later?'

"Here ya go kid."

The bartender stared at Raito with a sympathetic set of eyes, taking the empty glass sitting on the counter and filling it up with vodka-

Completely on the house, of course.

'God bless the man that has to deal with that whack-job on the phone…' the bartender thought to himself before smiling over at the now grinning smoking-hot brunette waving back at him emphatically. 'So cute…'

"So Ryuu-chan is coming to pick me up?!"

"_Yes… and make sure not to do anything idiotic until I get there, Raito-kun. __**Please**_."

Raito shrugged before closing his phone and shoving it back into his pocket, humming a happy little song underneath his breath, not noticing the hungry sets of eyes tracing his back; one set in particular doing so as creepily as possible.

'Oh, Ryuu-chan…'

What could possibly happen in little over fifteen minutes anyways?

* * *

There are only two characters I love writing more than Pervert!L; The awesomeness that is Yagami Sayu (who is quite literally the gift that keeps on giving) and Drunk!Raito... who seems to always be cutely oblivious and just plain horny. XD My inner-crazy betrays me sometimes. So... next chapter. Given to be hilarity in a bottle if you enjoyed this one. Yay. Lol.

I do have a question to all my readers, as I am honestly perplexed about something that's probably very insignificant (but I'm obsessive, so it works out); Do all of you wish for me to bring back the ring tones? Honestly, I wasn't really going to (minus the first two chapters), but some people have been asking about them... I just don't want to kill the joke while it's still hot. -.-; If so, no problem. If not, still not a problem. Just been bugging me, is all. ^.^ Well, that's all for today, folks, and many thanks for reading, you guys! Hope you enjoyed, and see ya next time!

(And don't forget; to ring tone or not to ring tone- that is the question!)


	7. Raito's Big Bum Bonanza

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Seven: _Raito's Big Bum Bonanza _

* * *

L sighed as he got in the car and turned on the ignition, wondering why he even let his gorgeous little source of awesome ass-sex out of his sight for more than five minutes and thought it could have been a good idea at the time.

Really, L should have known better at this point.

Carefully ticking off all the things his lover would have to do to make up for his anxiety later on, a small smile etching itself over his pale lips as he remembered just why he allowed for things to go as far as they did.

'Really, the benefits always outweigh the worry…'

And if anyone tried to molest his cute bucket of tasty strumpets, he would kill them.

And by kill them, he meant sneak into their homes whilst they were asleep and chop off their penises so that they could never enjoy sex ever again, and then waking them up and feeding them their own cocks for breakfast.

Which for him, was really as simple as eating a delicious piece of strawberry cheesecake dipped in scrumptious glazed sugar.

'Mm… Cheesecake…' L licked his lips as his stomach rumbled, cutting another person off whilst thinking of whip cream and strawberries dipped deliciously in chocolate sauce…

So sexy.

Swiveling into another lane, L ignored the people now cussing at him and giving him the finger as he continued to drive on, blissfully unaware of the amount of traffic now building up and the time seemingly flying by.

L's eyebrow twitched as he stopped in front of a red light, wondering if the speed limit was _really_ all that important.

His 'Someone's Trying to Molest Rai-chan!' Senses were tingling at full capacity, damn it!

God help the person who tried to make moves on _his_ boyfriend.

* * *

"Are you sure you don't want another one, hun?"

Raito blearily blinked as he stared at the five empty glasses surrounding him, all swallowed within the last five minutes. The bartender smiled angelically as he cleaned an empty glass within his hand, a dishtowel hanging off the rim of the cup as he continued to polish the inside of the glass.

"Hun? Are you Ok?" The bartender asked once more as Raito continued to drowsily gaze at the mountain of glasses surrounding him. "He-llooooo…"

Raito blinked once more.

"What?"

The bartender sweat dropped.

"… … Maybe I went a little overboard."

"Oh! Look at the purple monkeys! I bet they taste like oranges!" Raito jumped up and down within his seat as the bartender then face-faulted. "Or… or… MANGOES! I love mangoes…"

"Definitely went overboard." The bartender whispered as he turned around…

And then proceeded to pour the 24-year-old another shot of Jaeger.

"YAY! BLUE BALLOONS LOVE TESTICLES MADE OF ICING! YOU'RE THE BESTEST BARTENDER EVAR!" The now completely smashed brunette screamed unintelligibly as he grabbed the drink and began 'making it dance'.

At least that was what the bartender assumed the boy was doing. And if not…

He was going to need some definite therapy after this.

The bartender then shook his head as he walked away from the drunken man-child now attempting to do the Macarena while still sitting on the barstool, shooting down the shot within his hand as images of the guy's crazy boyfriend came bursting head-first within the now condemned bartender's head.

"SEXY, SEXY DRINKS, I LOVE SEXY DRINKS! SING WITH ME, EVERYBODY! YAY!"

'Definitely not going to be around when that crazy asshole gets here…' The bartender quietly slipped away to the other side of the bar as Raito began to spin around in frantic circles within the swiveling stool, cackling like a hysterical maniac as he did so.

The whole club sweat dropped as Raito blinked, pausing in his rant for a moment as a moment of lucidity overcame him.

"What? Can't I be happy once in awhile, damn it?!"

Everyone simply continued to drool as the boy continued to make an ass out of himself, not even listening to a word he said as they continued to undress the man with just their eyes.

Raito simply grabbed a bottle of cheap vodka from behind the counter and took another drink, wondering where his best friend Mr. Bartender had magically disappeared to as he guzzled the bottle in two minutes flat, not hearing a random person behind him yell something out over the crowd of potential rapists.

"_DATE-RAPE AHOY!" _

Sip…

Sip…

Sip…

'I love peaches so much…'

* * *

'Target in sight' the dark-haired pink cyclone thought to themselves as the sexy chocolate bar that was Yagami Raito drank another brightly colored drink and attempted to balance a large banana (_where the hell did the boy get a banana, they thought absently_) on his head.

'… … … still fucking hot.' The pink fabric and the person's legs swished as they made their way through the see of hanging mouths and wide-eyed stares and fixed their short hair in a rather prissy manner as another wave of whispers followed her lead.

"_Dude, who's that smoking hot dude making an ass out of himself?! I want some!"_

"_Aw, he's so cute! Look! He's trying to shove the whole banana in his mouth now! I wonder where he got that from…?" _

"_Magical Banana Land. Now shut the hell up and watch." _

"_Heh, he looks so cute trying to stuff the whole thing in his mouth like that. Look, what a cute… little…"_

"…"

"…"

"…"

_O.O_

"_Damn… he actually… did it. DOES HE NOT HAVE A GAG REFLEX?!"_

"…"

"_Woah." _

"… _Yeah. I'm definitely taking him home." _

"_HOTNESS!" _

"… … _I think he's taken."_

"_WAH?"_

"_Surely you jest!"_

"_Look at him. You don't get yourself that dead drunk unless you have some __**serious **__problems, bro. Like… like… 'I'm in love with a sociopathic possessive maniac who has some insecurity issues' sort of problems."_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… … _I'd still hit that."_

"_Dude!" _

_Crowd Consecutive Sweat drop_

"_We so need to keep you locked in a cage." _

"_Or put a permanent condom on your ass." _

"… _I wasn't even going to go there."_

"_Score!"_

Ignoring the ramblings around them, a note seemed to appear out of thin air as the young 'girl' then magically produced a pencil and began to check things off in the order they came.

'Ok… let's go over the checklist again…'

_Copy of "Sexy Raito-Sama All the Time!" (Just in case! ^.^)_

_**Check. **_

_Extra Bottle of Captain Morgan's (Just for Raito! Yay for lack of Self-Control!)_

_**Check. **_

_Baseball Bat Cleverly Hidden Underneath Dress (Just for that fucker… Gr… *insert angry face here*)_

The person's eye twitched as they thought of an annoying person in particular with horrible posture and an ass-grabbing consistency…

_**Double Check. **_

_Plan of Escape with the Gorgeous Raito-sama in tow! (And night of sexy-sexiness along with it! Booty-Town; Here I come!)_

_**Check, Check and Check!**_

'Everything seems to be raring and ready to go!'

Bouncing over towards the almost completely incapacitated brunette with a banana down his throat, a smile perched itself over the person's lips as they fixed their glasses once more.

Oh, the wonders of liquor and light-weight smex-symbols…

* * *

Now…

Raito wasn't drunk or anything…

But the room didn't want to stop spinning…

And Raito was starting to get a bit dizzy…

The brunette blinked as he tilted his head to the side.

Why the hell did he have a banana in his mouth again?

Spitting the phallic-shaped fruit out of his mouth, Raito rubbed his eyes as the vertigo continued to swirl around his eyes, making his brain feel as if he had just gotten off a merry-go-round, and was ready to fall flat on the floor at any moment in time.

'This is why I hate to drinky-drink…'

"HEY RAI-CHAN!" The blonde calamity that was Misa screeched loudly within his ear whilst Raito was not looking, causing him to-

_Slip-_

"WAH?!"

Arms flailing, arms flailing, arms flailing-

"OH MY GOD, RAI-CHAN, LOOK-"

_**CRASH!**_

"-out."

And fall down to the ground, where his ass seemed to be home the most.

"Oh boy, did that look like it hurt…" Sayu commented as she brushed off her skirt, walking over her brother's downtrodden body as she looked around the bar, slipping out a bottle of Baileys once no sign of the bartender was found. "Score one for the floor, and one for my happy-time as well."

"Rai-chan looks smashed…" Misa whispered as she kicked the man's lithe body with the edge of her sharp heel, waiting for some type of reaction…

"…"

"…"

Sayu took a swig of her drink as Raito's body didn't even twitch.

"Ryuuzaki is going to kill us, isn't he?"

"Sayu-chan, we'll be glad if he doesn't go postal on us and then rape poor Raito in front of everybody just to make some sort of sick point." Misa then prodded Raito's abdomen with her other tip of her boot, wincing as the artist barely even moved in return.

"… … Not rape if he wants it too." Sayu giggled as some strippers began making their way to the bar, looking over at the unconscious sugar plum of her brother in both curiosity and appreciation. "And trust me… he wants it. He wants it bad."

"Hm… Poor, Raito-chan… and he looks so cute like that, too!" The blonde Goth began to wail as she cursed the heavens… or the Club ceiling. It was all the same in Misa's mind. "Why, oh why, did Kami-sama make you gay, Raito!"

Sayu snorted to herself as the Baileys quickly disappeared as easily as it came. "So that whack-jobs like you couldn't trap that scrumptious ass, you psychotic Gothic-Lolita…"

"SHUT UP, SAYU-CHAN!"

"I'm just saying; lose some of your crazy, and maybe someone who could _possibly _pass as sexy as Raito is waiting just right over the horizon." The brunette giggled as she threw the Baileys bottle on her brother's head, laughing even further as it bounced off his impeccably perfect hair.

Misa was not as amused.

"You're so cruel to me, Sayu-chan."

"To be kind, my dear. To be kind." The sneaky brunette giggled once more before looking over the bar and sizing up the other bottles of liquor surrounding her. "Now, where is Ryuuzaki when you need him…"

"Huh?" Raito murmured as he finally came to, hearing his lover's name and wondering if his Ryuu-chan had come to get him yet. "Ryuu-chan is here?! I'm over here, baby! Help me, Ryuu-chan! The floor is trying to eat me again!"

Misa and Sayu sweat dropped as the man lifted up a heavy arm and attempted to grope the nearest object to him-

"Hey! What the hell?!"

"Woah, Onii-chan! Way to make a first impression!"

"Raito-chan, stop trying to grab that guy's ass!"

Which happened to be, what Misa and Sayu assumed to be, some stripper's apple-bottom.

Oops?

For a moment, the dark-haired man in a ten-gallon hat and strange variation of a homo-erotic cowboy outfit looked a bit startled, though once he got a glance at Raito's gorgeous, if flushed, face, a light bulb seemed to appear over the man's head in an instant.

Raito's glistening puppy-dog eyes met the scantily-clad man's face (which Sayu had to admit was cute, but definitely not as adorable as her own brother's) as he finally stood up, pout in full effect as the obvious stripper gave him a slight perusal of approval.

"Sorry, Stripper-san." Raito whispered as Misa giggled, the absolutely adorable look on his face once again pwning all within his vicinity. "I didn't mean to grab onto your delicious treats."

"Sweetie, you can grab onto these delicious treats anytime!" The stripper smirked as Raito blinked in confusion. "Though those aren't the _only_ delicious treats I would recommend trying to grab hold of…"

"Huh?"

"Raito-chan, Misa thinks it's time to go, sweetheart." Misa pulled on the boy's arm as Raito allowed himself to be yanked in her direction, too out of it to actually put up any sort of fight as his drunken stupor began to fade little by little.

"Wait, wait, wait, wait, _wait a minute_…" The aforementioned stripper grabbed Raito's other arm as the adorably drunk brunette blinked, once again a very human rope in another game of public tug-o'-war. "I wasn't done looking over the goods just yet, Little Miss Gothic Princess. Do you mind?"

Another game of 'Raito-the-fun-loving-human-rope!'

Joy.

Even drunk, Raito could tell this was not going to end well.

"What the hell, Stripper-Man!" Misa cried out as she pulled on Raito's other arm, making the 24-year-old flop to the side. "You can't have Raito-chan! He's already taken by a scary-looking anorexic with a sugar fetish who enjoys pounding him into the ground as both his hobby and job in life!"

Yup. Not end well, indeed.

"Wah!?"

"Yeah! We already have access to man-sex galore! And it's much sexier, smuttier, AND sluttier than anything you can provide us with, Mr. Man-Whore!" Sayu cried out as she stepped up towards the now bewildered stripper, looking at the two girls as if they were also drunk out of their minds.

If only that were true…

It was pretty obvious Misa and Sayu didn't come to this club often.

"Listen, I wasn't even going to go there. Obviously, this kid's gorgeousness can only attract crazy-possessive boyfriends with huge egos and… well, huge equipment to help compensate. It's the curse of being that beautiful, ya know. I would most definitely known." Both women glared at the cute stripper as he rolled his eyes, still refusing to let go of the artist's other arm as he pulled the 24-year-old closer to him in a small show of strength that belied his lithe limbs. "But that's not my point. It's just I'm in a bit of a bind, and well… Will you just listen to my idea, and THEN try to be all crazy and take him away if you don't like it? We're all kind of desperate at this point."

"Idea, you say?" Sayu tilted her head to the side as the stripper grinned evilly as he nodded, the small light above the young girl's head turning on almost automatically as the feeling of similar kin of mayhem seemed to propel her closer to the other person holding onto her brother's arm. "And what is this 'idea' you speak of?"

"Well…"

A series of whispers seemed to float over the booming bass and the underscore of treble vibrating against the walls of the club, the music barely masking the craziness brewing within the fray as Sayu then laughed maniacally, making Misa twitch as the grip she had on Raito's arm wavered in just the slightest of bits.

"Are you… serious?"

"Do I look like I'm **not **serious? There's only so many acts I have in store tonight, especially after this chick just called out on me. I can't just keep repeating the same routines and expect people not to get bored!"

"Oh... Where have you been all of my life, my friend?"

"I've been here. Where the hell have you been, sweetheart?"

"Ha ha! Touché, my dear. Now, if you're saying what I think you're saying, then all my dreams are about to come true. If you'll just let me grab my camera…"

"Well, I think I can get him ready and on stage by the time you get your camera out and about, dear…"

"Oh, I think I'm in love with a stripper. Do you have a song ready?"

The stripper glanced at Raito, the man still dazed as he blinked innocently.

"Oh, I have _just _the perfect song for Mr. Bootylicious over here. Now, how do you feel about the schoolboy look..."

After that, Sayu was sure she had just reached Nirvana, Heaven and Paradise Island, all wrapped up in one beautiful club-like package.

"YAY! I HAVE REACHED THE PROMISED LAND, AND IT IS A STRIP CLUB WITH A SCHOOLBOY FETISH! I'M SO HAPPY, I COULD JUST CRY IF I HAD THE TEARS TO!"

"Err… let's not and say you did."

"Awe-some. Schoolboy Raito with a hint of sexiness and a whole lot of drunken stupor, here I come! WOO-HOO!"

Misa sweat dropped as both Sayu and the Stripper (as he was now dubbed) seemed to bond within moments, a strange feeling of anxiety and impending doom boiling over deep within her stomach.

'Oh, Raito… what did you do in a past life to deserve this?'

* * *

L sighed as he finally pocketed his car keys, wondering how fifteen minutes turned into forty-five. The bouncer at the door gave him a strange look and almost stopped him, before the fiery intensity of his glare completely knocked the poor man flat on his ass. L barely gave the beefy man another glance as he slouched into the smoky club, eyes trained specifically in front of him as the gigantic crowd of people swirling within the strip-joint nearly enveloped him completely.

Wincing at the strength of the loud screams surrounding him, the dark-haired artist made his way around the masses of women and splotches of hazed men jumping up and down as they ogled the dark-haired man now only clad in his chaps and a skimpy thong, twirling about on the pole he was now hanging off of, the music slowly coming to a decline. L sighed as he reached the bar, which was now completely vacant, both of customers and bartender alike.

Climbing up on one of the stools, L glanced around the club as he bit down on his thumb, vigorously searching for his lover through the raucous crowd of idiots still running around the vicinity in clumps of bright colors and estrogen.

The appendage within his lips grew all the more raw as L continued to gnaw on it in frustration, feeling the profound sense of worry strapped against his slouched back become all the more heavier than before.

'Raito, Raito, Raito… where are you, Raito?'

"Woo!" L blinked as the same man who had just been giving the uproarious strip tease moments before was given a microphone as the girls groaned in disappointment, sweat dripping off of his face as he smiled charmingly towards the crowd; the girl's boo's and hisses soon turning into swoons. "I know all you ladies and gents aren't getting all bent out of shape before our special event, are you?! Because we've got a cute newcomer here for a special once-in-a-lifetime performance, and I know all of you are going to love his style!"

L sighed once more as the crowd frantically cheered, eyes scanning over the nameless faces as none of them continued to be recognizable. Slumping further within the stool, the pale-skinned artist ran a bony hand through his messy obsidian locks of hair as the exotic dancer then cooled the excited herds of people gathered around him as L continued to look for a familiar pair of cinnamon-brown eyes and chestnut fringe that surrounded a nearly holy face and a kick-ass body.

No such luck whatsoever.

"So everybody, I want you to give a nice warm welcome to our newest blood to grace our stage and sights…" L grabbed a bottle of Baileys that was hanging off the counter and took a long gulp, quite sure that he felt a headache building in the back of his head… "Our new schoolboy sensation- LIGHT!"

_**SPISH!**_

"_OH MY GOD, MY DRESS! YOU FUCKING OVERGROWN PANDA! I'LL KILL YOU!" _

"_**Oh my God, Becky, look at her butt!**_

_**It's so big…"**_

L nearly fell out of the chair in shock as the bottle of Baileys slipped out of his hands and smashed into pieces against the floor, head swiveling back to the stage as the song continued on, _his _Raito sashaying on stage full of _stripper poles_ in a _schoolboy_ outfit as he waved out towards the crowd.

'Oh… God…'

L didn't know whether he wanted to fuck the boy or kill him.

Though he'd probably get the best of both worlds if he just fucked the innocently drunken artist _to_ death…

"_**I like big butts and I can not lie!"**_

And as the song's tempo rapidly increased, L knew what he had to do as Raito grabbed a pole and swung like a professional stripper did in their prime.

"_**You other brothers can't deny **_

_**That when a girl walks in with an itty-bitty waist **_

_**And a round thing in your face-"**_

L's eye twitched as he slowly got up and slouched on stage, ignoring the raging hard-on in his pants as he prepared to open up a can of whoop-ass on the first person necessary as the women and men around him went wild, a tan blazer flying overhead as the strip tease officially began.

"_**You get sprung!"**_

Kill someone indeed…

L's eye twitched once more as he mentally tallied down all the people he would have to maim, gouge and kill by the end of the night as Raito giggled on stage, shaking his ass for all that it was worth.

_Swish…_

_Swish…_

_Swish…_

And there went Raito's vest and tie.

"_**Wanna pull up front **_

_**Cuz you notice that butt was stuffed **_

_**Deep in the jeans she's wearing;**_

_**I'm hooked and I can't stop staring…"**_

Milky white face flushed abnormally red, L quickly stomped his way onto the stage as his back straightened almost unconsciously as people who weren't delighting in the show began to back away in fear from the threatening aura around the pervert who didn't seem so amused anymore (if he had been, period).

"_**Oh, baby I wanna get with ya **_

_**And take your picture! **_

_**My homeboys tried to warn me **_

_**But with that butt you got-"**_

The spindly anonymous artist was seriously on the verge of either passing out from a nosebleed or punching the first person who gave him some trouble in the face with the nearest object in his immediate area as Raito gave the crowd a sultry glance over his shoulder and straddled the pole within his hands, pretty much giving the whole club a spontaneous orgasm right then and there-

"_**Me so horny!"**_

L included, of course.

"_**Ooh, rub all of that smooth skin-**_

_**You say you wanna get in my Benz?**_

_**Well use me, use me, cuz you ain't that average groupie-"**_

Shaking his head as he managed to get out of his momentary stupor, L barely had enough time to climb up onto the stage (and death-glare his way past security) before Raito pulled off his shirt and cutely laughed as he tossed off the article of clothing towards the hungry crowd, half of which were now staring at L as if he were part of some sort of gag or if he were somehow going to begin partaking in the act as well.

Psh.

As if these people were lucky enough to witness the ultimate smexings that went on between Raito and himself.

But L had bigger problems to solve at hand than people staring at _him_…

"RAITO-KUN! Cease and desist in your booty-shaking right at this moment, young man!" A chorus of loud 'BOO's' and swear words that even _L _didn't know existed bombarded the 31-year-old's ears as Raito halted all movement and took a peek behind his now unclothed shoulder, suddenly grinning from ear to ear as his eyes then widened in excitement at the sight of his boyfriend on stage with him.

It took little more than two seconds for Raito to turn around and rush towards his lover, L sweat dropping as he did so-

_**GLOMP!**_

Only to fall back onto the stage, his ass the one being bruised for once.

Dark eyes staring up into excited hazel brown orbs twitched as Raito bounced against his lap, doing a wonderful impression of Misa as he giggled once more.

Well…

This was most definitely a change of scenery.

Pushing the cute (and now shirtless) sex-charm that was Raito off of his person, L glared over the crowd now attempting to throw miscellaneous items onto the stage (and more notably, at his head), shushing them automatically with his creepy stare.

Raito wasn't kidding when he said that his creepiness could shut down a building, if used correctly.

"All of you have ogled my Rai-chan's goodies for long enough. I suggest being quiet and allowing me to leave with my boyfriend in peace before I mutilate each and everyone of you…" L widened his eyes all the more while his lover held onto his hand, now staring at the ceiling in extreme fascination. Scratching his ankle with his foot, L wondered how long it would be before he could take these ridiculous shoes off of his feet. "And if I have to take each and every one of you on all at once, I most definitely _will _and _win_. I am not this man's lover by kindness alone, and that should go without saying. Now… do I have any takers?"

Everyone took a simultaneous step back as the creepy panda-like artist continued to give them the stink-eye, wondering if this was the other man's curse for being as beautiful as he was.

"… … _The cute one's always have to have their psychotic baggage, after all." _

L pretended to ignore the random comment as he pulled his lover behind him, eye still twitching from time to time.

"Look, Ryuu-chan! Everybody looks all mad and huffy!" Raito giggled as L then made his way down the ramp of the stage, glaring at the stripper still clad in only his chaps as he shrunk away from the scary looking insomniac now attached to a skipping half-naked sex-machine made of gold.

"Hm… yes, I suppose they do, Raito-kun." L commented blandly as he felt his grip tighten over the younger man's hand, wondering just what would come first; the lecture or the smexings.

Knowing him… well, it wouldn't be that surprising what came first, actually.

"Yay! And look, Ryuu-chan! That weird-looking girl running over here in the pink dress looks _especially _mad!" Raito gasped as the supposed female (_why did she look so familiar…?_) stomped their way over to the two men almost to the door as L glanced over his shoulder…

And almost had a heart attack, stroke and aneurysm all at once.

"_**YOU?!" **_

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-A-Lot, but I am a fan of such 'back'. XD Booty's-R-Us, anyone?

I think people are going to officially think that I have a fetish with Drunk!Raito stripping now. Lol. Oh well. Not that far from the truth. Add in the schoolboy outfit, and your asking for the poor boy to be assaulted. ^.^; I'm still wondering if that's a bad thing or not, by the way. And I do apologize if this chapter isn't half as funny as it was planned to be. Honestly, working on two angst-filled stories and trying to get over a slight Thanksgiving hang-over (which is more of a daze, really...) is not pivotal to finishing up a chapter such as this. I feel a bit shamed. Almost. If I had shame, anyway, I'm sure I would feel it. Lol.

And thanks to everyone for their opinions on the whole ringtone dilemma! I'll definitely take all your comments into consideration when writing the chapters to come. And hopefully we'll get some more funny out of the damn story while I'm at it...

Thanks for reading you guys! (And be prepared for a showdown next chapter! It shall be... fun? XD)

* * *


	8. Throwdowns and Showdowns: Part Deux

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Eight: _Throw-downs and Showdowns: Part Deux_

* * *

"_**YOU?!"**_

L felt his eye twitch as the woman (_MAN! THAT'S A MAN! HE HOLDS A PENIS, DAMN IT!_ A little voice inside his head screeched as his eye twitched once more) in front of him glared vehemently at the pale artist behind stylish spectacles, short dark hair obscuring the better part of her (_HIM! I SAID HIM DAMN IT!_) face as their red cheeks became blotchy and puffy.

"What are YOU doing here!" Fat tears began to streak down the person's face as the paper still hanging off their grip was dropped onto the ground and stomped upon, making the bored pervert in front of them sigh in agitation. "How is it you continue to foil my plans at hitting that bodacious ass, Ryuuzaki?! WHY, GOD DAMN IT, WHY?! I WAS SO CLOSE, DAMN IT! SO! FUCKING! CLOSE!"

"Of course you were." L blandly replied as he scratched his ankle with his still sneaker-clad foot, Raito watching the scene with a hazy expression over his still adorably dazed face. "Taking away the fact that you weren't even the slightest bit close at all, Mikami Teru. And may I just say… pink is _really_ not your color."

"Damn it, Ryuuzaki!" Mikami shook his fist at the gangly artist now giving him the queer eye as he ripped off the short-haired wig hanging of his head, bespectacled gaze blazing a fiery crimson red as fire mysteriously erupted behind him in his fit of anger. "I WISH FOR REVENGE!"

"_BITCH FIGHT!"_

"_DUDE! AGAIN?!"_

"_Someboday has i-ssues…" _

"_Or gender-confusion problems, it seems."_

"_I'm gonna go with that. Though I would love that dress in sky blue… Wonder if he'll tell me where he got it from later?"_

_Moment of silence…_

"… _I-"_

"_WE KNOW! YOU'D STILL HIT THAT! WE GET IT, YOU HORNY BASTARD! YOU NEED TO PUT YOUR PENIS IN SOMETHING EVERY FIVE MINUTES! SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY!"_

"… … … _Oh hell yeah."_

"You… You… you pie-eating nymphomaniac! You shitty mop in a bucket! You over-hung Maury Paulvich! You wish you were hot, but you're not Ryuuzaki!" Mikami ranted on as L quirked up an eyebrow, not noticing the multiple stepping off to the side as the younger of the two began flailing his arms in the air, glasses skewed against the bridge of his nose as his make-up began to smudge unattractively on his face.

And no, L did _not_ want to know why Mikami had felt the need to even put on _make-up_.

Not.

One.

Bit.

"Not even close!" The cross-dressing lawyer cried out, breaking L from his reverie as Raito began to giggle behind him once more. "Someday, I shall vaporize you and your huge schlong, that I swear! And not only that, but I will still tap Raito's pretty ass, and make you watch as you cry your sorrows away in vodka and cake! One day… it will happen-"

"In your dreams."

"Yes, of course in my drea-No! YOU FOILED ME AGAIN, YOU EVIL COCK-SUCKER!"

"I may be a cock-sucker, but in the end, I am Raito-kun's cock-sucker," Raito laughed once more, pulling on L's hand as he tried to lower onto his crotch (_personality switch, anyone?_) while L kept a steady grip on his lover's drunken advances… for now. "And you can trust me when I say he loves every second of this one-of-a-kind mouth on his dic-"

"He doesn't love you!" Mikami yelled as he pointed a dramatic finger in his direction, shoving out a challenge that L _simply_ couldn't say no to.

"He thinks you're psychotic!"

"He looks at you weird when you eat in front of him!"

"He looks at you weird… period!"

"He thinks you're horrible in bed!"

"At least he's been in bed with me… and conscious of it!"

"He hates your hair!"

"He hates your stalker tendencies!"

"He talks about the weird stuff you do in bed together with total strangers!"

"He knows I love it when he talks about weird things we do in bed together with total strangers! And we show video-tapes and sell them on E-Bay, bitch!"

"He thinks you have insecurity issues and is overly possessive, and are too much of a pervert for your own good!"

"He thinks you have to be institutionalized and should die after witnessing just how much I can get down… on him!"

Mikami's gaze became watery as he brought his hands up below his chin, fingers clenching together as he began to bounce continuously in anxiety.

"… … … Really?"

L gave the unhinged lawyer a dubious glance as he once again pulled his hand up from Raito's crotch.

"Do you really want me to answer that?"

"Grr…" Mikami seemed to boil with rage as the watery tears about to run down his face quickly evaporated into a much more unfriendly glare, stomping directly in front of the dark-eyed pervert with a grip of steel as he poked him directly on his chest, the whole club leaning forward in anticipation as the bitch-fight suddenly became a whole hell of a lot interesting. "Raito-sama deserves someone who is better looking than you, better behaved than you and better in bed than you! He deserves to be praised by someone who can give him everything he wants, whenever her wants, and you most definitely cannot give it to him!"

"If that's the case, then I suppose that leaves you out of the question, as well."

"YOU _ASSHOLE_!"

L stared at him for a moment, Raito giggling behind him once more as he stared at the weird lady still jumping up and down in front of him, the niggling feeling of familiarity still tickling the back of his mind as he chuckled to himself.

"He called you an _asshole_, Ryuu-chan…" Raito murmured between giggles, quiet sure there were now three L's giving him a dubious glance over their shoulder instead of just one. "It's too bad you hardly ever take it up the assho-"

Hm…

Those three L's were now glaring at him funny, yet now they were tilting to the left, along with L's hair…

Raito felt like he should be more concerned about this 'Three L's Tilting' business…

"Raito, cease and desist with that train of thought right this instant!" The three L's yelled simultaneously within the younger man's pounding ears as Raito once again blinked in disorientation. "If I have told you once, I have told a million times; as seme, only _I _may be the one to engage in such fornications! I gave you the privilege once, and it was promptly abused, and that is all I have to say about that traumatic experience I wish I could forget!"

'Three L's… three… why does that sound so bad… wait…'

Finally, the metaphorical half-lit light bulb twinkled above the 24-year-old's head as he almost fell over his own (not moving) feet.

'OH MY GOD, THAT MEANS THREE TIMES THE HUGE PENISES AND LIBIDO! MY ASSHOLE IS SO SCREWED, IT'LL BE THE SIZE OF TEXAS BY THE TIME THEIR DONE WITH ME! _HOW WILL I SURVIVE?!_'

"Wah?"

Both L and Mikami stared at the young artist as he blinked.

"Did I… say that all out loud in public again?"

"Yes, Raito-kun… and for your information, there is only one of me, the liquor you have consumed just makes it seem like there is more, and quite frankly that makes me slightly concerned about your lack of self-control and consumption habits. And secondly… well, even if I had to share you with myself, I doubt it would happen." L barely even blinked as Raito sweat dropped beside him, not even noticing Mikami growling in the background. "You're booty is mine alone, Raito-kun, and not even another half of me is privileged to take a bite out of that ass."

"… … Like Scruff McGruff?" Raito smiled excitedly, eyes alight with childhood wonder. "You wanna take a bite out of my-"

"That goes without saying, Raito-kun." L deadpanned, inwardly laughing at the look of disbelief hanging off Mikami's face as his obsession jumped up within the air, fists pumping in delight.

"YAY! I'M GONNA GET SUPER LAID TONIGHT, HOMIES!"

L sighed, the beginnings of a double-migraine pounding against both of his temples.

"Just be quiet and look pretty, Raito. It's what you're best at after all… well, besides fuc-"

"DON'T TELL RAITO-SAMA TO BE QUIET, YOU STRAWBERRY FLAVORED DOUCHE-BAG!"

"How would Mikami know that I am or am not strawberry flavored?" The panda-like insomniac scratched his head with one hand as his other hand trailed up to his mouth, nibbling diligently on one of his digits. "And why would a douche-bag _be_ flavored to begin with…?"

"Not the point, damn it!" Mikami once again flailed, eyes narrowing even _further_. "You're missing the damn point!"

"I think Mikami is simply angry that I get to tap Raito's ass whilst he must only be content to fantasize to his creepy hand-made dolls and stolen pictures… which I know you have taken, and will soon kill you for in your sleep." Dark eyes sharpened as the artist gave the man his most intense of stares. "No one may get themselves off to Raito-kun but me."

"… … You're sick, you know that? You could at least learn to share…"

"Oh, I know I am immensely sick. Especially when I have Raito-kun strapped down against the bed and I take him rough and fast from behin-"

"STOP IT! IT BURNS! YOU'RE KINKY SEX BURNS!"

"Oh yes indeed. Especially that one time-"

"STOP IIIIIIITTTTTTTTTT!"

"When Raito-kun and I both ended up stranded in a Wal-Mart-"

"I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you, I can't hear you-"

"And I just couldn't hold myself back any longer after he continued to tease me with this lollipop he just wouldn't stop sucking, and licking and nipping at-"

"I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU, I CAN'T HEAR YOU-"

"So much so that I actually bent him over a toilet in the women's restroom of all places and fucked him raw-"

"GRAAAAAAAAAGGGGHHHH!

Raito blinked as both men openly glared at each other, one still clad in ruffled pink dress that showed off his splendid legs (Raito wished he had pretty legs like that…) and the other dressed in scraggly clothing that looked like it was about to fall off the thin man's gangly limbs.

"_Wow… Let's get ready to… uh, actually, what the hell are they going to do, anyway? Slap each other around and then whoever wins, fucks the fantabulously gorgeous guy on the side in front of everybody?" _

"… … _Would you be surprised if they did?" _

"_Dude, all I have to say is that the guy in the pink is about to be fucked in the most vicious of ways, and that will be most amusing to watch indeed."_

"_No way! The weird looking Skeletor look-alike with the words 'rapist-complex' written all over his face is about to get his ass handed back to him; free style."_

"_No, Random Girly-Dress guy is about to have the smack down laid upon him! Nobody wears fluorescent pink and then decides to be manly, especially in front of some guy that flipping scares off an entire room with a damn __**glare **__that isn't even actually a glare to begin with!"_

"_And I'm telling you, Perverted-Rapist Skeletor guy is the one who is going to be beat up from the floor up! You have to be a special kind of crazy to try to kidnap some hot ass dude from that other psychotic hunchback of Notre Dame Ass date-raper! Seriously, that kind of psychosis is hard to come by, guy!"_

"_RANDOM GIRLY-DRESS GUY!"_

"_PERVERTED-RAPIST SKELETOR GUY!"_

"_You don't know what the hell you're talking about! Fuck you, damn it!"_

"_You mean like I fucked you AND your sister AND your mother AND your baby daddy, you nasty little whore?!"_

"_WHAT?!"_

"… … … _**ANOTHER**__ BITCH-FIGHT!"_

"Ryuuzaki…" Mikami suddenly appeared to be calm as he kicked off his heels (bright pink to match with his fantastically cute dress) and took off the earring hanging off his ears, glistening brightly against the hot glow of white lights hanging overhead of them. "I believe… we can only settle this one way."

"And that is?" L felt his lips twitch downward as he remembered the _last_ time Mikami felt there was only one way to settle a fight…

'Why do I feel sudden sense of nostalgia about to kick in?'

"You! Pitiful man!"

'Oh damn… not this again…'

"I challenge you to a strip contest! NOW!"

L gave the man a perplexed look as he blinked in confusion. "And that is…?"

Mikami sighed as he ran a hand through his short dark locks. "Why must I always explain this to you? You know… stripping… on poles… yes, no?"

"Oh…" L let go of Raito's hand as he nodded. "Alright."

"_Hell yeah! Two for the price of one, baby!"_

"_Now all we're missing is a pint of beer and some good ol' fashion lap-dancers…"_

"_DID ANYONE SAY THEY NEEDED LAP-DANCERS AND A PINT OF BEER?!"_

"_WOO-HOO! I HAVE GONE TO THE PROMISE LAND, AND THEY HAVE MEANING OF LIFE IN A STRIP CLUB!"_

"_PRAISE BE TO THE YAOI-GODS!"_

"_WOOT!" _

"_NOW YOU DIE!"_

"_YOU FIRST, ASS-HAT!"_

"_GGGGAAAAHHHH! MUST DESTROY!"_

Raito sighed as the mayhem around him seemed to intensify, the staring contest between his boyfriend and his obsessive stalker (who really needed to just lay off already! Jeez…) along with the random garble amusing him for all of three seconds before becoming intensely bored.

"Ryuu-chan, I wanna to go home…" Raito pouted as Mikami actually gurgled at the cuteness of his 'god's' face, the brunette's pouty lips and long tousled bangs making him appear younger than he really was. "Can't we go home and forget about all this, please…?"

"No, Raito-kun. A challenge has been placed, and I intend to follow through until the end. As it is, I shall go first." L then stomped past his now irritated lover and his… formidable opponent (could you really call a spastic stalker in a bright pink dress a _formidable opponent_, these day?) onto the stage, glancing over at the DJ as he blinked in astonishment. "Song, please."

"Uh…" The DJ fumbled around with some CD's and actual records, still appearing to be dazed as he did so. "Anything in particular, mister?"

"… … No. Now play."

"Wait!" Raito suddenly jumped up, his shirtless torso attracting all sorts of new attention as his golden skin glistened in barely dried perspiration, doe-eyed mischief creeping over his face as everyone in his vicinity began to drooling…

Only to pull back as L audibly growled and once again turned on his special brand care-stare.

Care Bears be damned.

"I have an i-de-a!" The now flamboyant drunken 24-year-old skipped over to the small booth adjacent to the stage and went up the small flight of stairs, not aware of some of the still lingering glances in his direction. "Will you play…"

The rest was drowned out as Raito whispered something within the DJ's ear, making the young man blush for a moment, only to then smile malevolently in tortured amusement.

"I can do that." The DJ gave Raito a thumbs-up as the smoking-hot artist gaily pranced down the stairs and shot his older lover a wink before sitting down on one of the chairs directly in front of the stage.

"Yay for Ryuu-chan!" The boy cheered before the distinct sound of bass began to fill the room, making L blink in astonishment. The entire room was then silenced as the still fighting pair in the back promptly began to bash each other's heads into a table. "You're the best, Ryuu-chan!"

"_**I lose all control**_

_**When you grab a hold**_

_**And you do your trick-**_

_**I love it when you lick…"**_

'Of course…'

L internally rolled his eyes as a bored expression spread across his face, barely moving to the rhythm of the music. The crowd began to stare in fascination as L then bobbed his head, still looking as uninterested as possible as he tugged on his shirt but refused to pull it off.

'Oh, the things I do for you, Raito-kun…'

"_**Lick…"**_

"_TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF!" _

"_TAKE YOUR PANTS OFF!"_

"… … … _TAKE __**SOMETHING**__OFF, DAMN IT!"_

L continued to content himself with just bobbing his head as he shuffled forefront, and then put his hands on the button of his jeans, quirking his eyebrow in silent question.

"WHOO! RYUU-CHAN! YOU'RE THE BESTEST EVAR! SHOW THEM HOW IT'S DONE!" Raito cheered once more, cheeks red from the exertion of his cheers and howls.

A light blush appeared over L's face as he silently skimmed by his lover's head and stared at the crowd in wonderment.

'Are you really ready for this?' His eyes seem to say.

"_DUDE, JUST __**TAKE IT OFF ALREADY**__!"_

"_**I'll put my heels on for you baby; **_

_**The ones that wrap all around my leg."**_

_Pull…_

"_**Your every touch excites me,**_

_**And damn it, I ain't too proud to beg!"**_

_Tug…_

"_**And even when you're not around me**_

_**The tingling just won't go away…"**_

_Zip…_

"_**Don't make my body wait no longer-**_

_**Because this pussycat's ready to play, play, play, play, play!"**_

_Drop. _

"_**I lose all control **_

_**When you grab a hold**_

_**And you do your trick-**_

_**I love it when you lick…"**_

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_**Lick…"**_

"Yay! Ryuu-chan!" Raito once again cheered as the rest of the crowd stood frozen.

L simply stood there pant-less, somehow used to it at this point.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"_I can think of only one thing to say…"_

"…"

"… _uh…"_

"_Um…"_

"_Damn…"_

"_And that is… OH MY FUCKING GOD, THAT THING WAS __**HUGE**__!"_

"_WOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH!"_

"_TAKE THE REST OFF, BABY!"_

"_NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!"_

"_Dear sweet god, I knew that hot guys knew what he was doing…"_

"_And both of them __**together**__…" _

"_HELL YEAHS!"_

The crowd went into a frenzy as they began throwing money at the stage, pleading with strange-looking insomniac to shake it, not noticing the stall of music as the DJ simply stared at package that was mini-L.

Not that you could call it mini-_anything_, really…

Mikami sighed as he kicked his wig off to the side, walking away from both his enemy and prize.

'Forget Ryuuzaki… his _schlong_ is the real enemy…'

Yet Mikami would not lose hope.

Staring over at his precious Raito-sama, who was now attempting to get on the stage and strip alongside Ryuuzaki, much to the appraisal of every single person within the damn club, Mikami nodded to himself.

Tomorrow was another day, after all.

And really... Ryuuzaki wouldn't have his Raito-sama forever.

He would make sure of it.

'Mwahahahahahaha...'

_"Psycho..." _

* * *

"Aw… I don't see why you got to have all the fun…" Raito pouted as L drove on in silence, dark eyes slowly sliding from the road to Raito's still red face as the 24-year-old too-sexy-for-his-own-good brunette fiddled with the belt of his pants, now dressed in his regular clothing once more. "I never get to do anything fun anymore…"

The car almost came to an abrupt halt.

"Does Raito-kun mean that this was not the _first time _he has done such a thing in an establishment such as _that_?" Raito blinked as the stone cold tone of his lover's voice almost sent shivers down his spine, afraid to answer the question in its entirety.

"Uh…"

"Raito-kun…"

"_Maybe_…" Raito answered hesitantly, still toying with his belt as he squirmed within the squishy leather interior covering the car's seat. "I never did it as job, but I had fun with it once in awhile when we used to go out and have a good time. Is that something that you feel bothers you, L?"

L started up the ignition once again as he stayed silent, a contemplative look entering his gaze as he did so.

For another five minutes, the car was completely silent, save for a few audible fidgets on Raito's part and the roaring of the engine still going.

"Raito-kun…"

"Yes, L?" Raito immediately answered, his head beginning to pound in the back of his mind as he wondered just how many drinks he _did _have…

"… … Raito-kun is a talented stripper."

"Err… thank you?"

"It was not a compliment, but a statement of truth. Though this fact now creates a problem for _me_, Raito-kun. Not only do I have that show replaying in my head, but I must also contend with the fact that others received a free viewing of my lover's body, which is supposed to be mine alone to enjoy."

"But… but…"

"So you see, while I have a boner in my pants, and scenes of your delicious body swaying on stage, beckoning me to stop the car and ravish you in the backseat, I must, at the same time contend with murderous thoughts and destructive images of that strip club burning to the ground..."

"Um… I don't think…"

"So as compensation for such a disturbing mixture of emotions, Raito-kun is to strip for me every night before we go to bed for the next six months because of this escapade and its horrendous outcome."

"WHAT?!" Raito nearly had a coronary as he sat straight up within the passenger seat, staring at L as if he were a perverted maniac.

Which he was.

The horror.

"And from now on, I shall have to prohibit him from going out with both Sayu and Misa… though, mostly Sayu, as I learned this was mostly her idea as well." L mumbled something underneath his breath, making even _Raito_ feel bad for Sayu the next time the dark-haired artist came in contact with the conniving little smartass. "Raito-kun stripping from someone else, let alone random people we do not know, instead of me, indeed…"

"L! Enough!" Raito finally broke down as he leaned against the car window, the ebb of drunkenness slowly falling away from his speech as his mind began to clear up at a snail's pace. "They barely got to see anything anyway! And who are you to _prohibit _me from doing anything, anyway!"

"Hm… the fact that they did not see enough of Raito-kun's body is true, thank goodness. Though it is most probable that we shall have to set up barricades on our bedroom windows as well get new steel doors and patented locks, as I fear we both may have gained more fan-girls in the process of my one-upping Mikami as well." L watched as Raito twitched at the thought of his stalker, smirking in satisfaction. "And Raito-kun would do well to remember that his body is _mine_, and I may _prohibit _him from doing whatever the hell I like."

"Oh my God, I'm so going to kill you when I'm fully sober and not feeling like I'm walking on water… while still sitting in the damn car." The cinnamon-haired god of sexiness slightly slurred as he held a hand to his beginning to ache head.

"Oh, Raito, that may be true, but that will be way later on in the morning when your hangover will be much more prominent..." L gave him a sly smile, which only meant one thing to Raito…

"L…" The disturbed artist gulped. "Stop giving me that look…"

"Raito-kun, you have not seen any look yet."

And with that, L pulled into the small lane in front of him, their parking spot just several meters ahead.

'Help me…' Raito sighed to himself as he slumped further down in his seat.

L's smile simply grew all the more as he parked their car and took off his seat belt, a scary glow emanating from his eyes in an all too familiar fashion.

"I'm going to regret this later on, aren't I?" Raito murmured, too tire to even try to lean away from his lover's lips as L awkwardly bent over his slouched figure, hands automatically entangling themselves into the other's soft, if disheveled, obsidian locks.

"_Maybe…_" L answered as coyly as Raito had beforehand, capturing his lips against his own as he pushed the door open and just about shoved his little cupcake of continuous sexiness out into the cold before jumping over the seat and exiting from the same door as his lover. "Is that something you feel bothers you, Raito-kun?"

Blinking as the harsh autumn air hit his face, the slightly befuddled artist simply tilted his head to the side as L hauled him up from the ground and into his embrace.

"Huh?"

L's lips twitched upward once more as Raito gulped once more.

"I didn't think so…"

* * *

"Hm…"

Raito felt the overwhelming urge to stretch as he lay beneath his sun-kissed blankets, what he assumed to be L's arms entrapping him within their embrace as his groggy brain attempted to catch up with his body's slow awareness.

Sighing contently, Raito moved back against L his head was pillowed comfortably on the some-what bony shoulder, turning a bit as he cast his own arms around L's cool body underneath the warming sheets. Naked limbs tingled as a sudden (familiar, really) pain crawled down his spine, and small snippets of memories from the night before began to resonate within his once-again slightly pounding head.

"…"

"…"

Opening up his eyes slightly, Raito was not the least bit surprised to see L's wide-awake eyes rimmed charcoal…

"…"

"…"

Although the pink glitter covering his face and hair along with the slightly greasy feel of both his skin and Raito's own wasn't so inviting as parts of their body seemed to be glued together, a sickeningly sweet smell wafting up between them.

"…"

"…"

Lifting up his own hand, somehow Raito wasn't surprised to see it covered in glitter and a weird mixture of splotches of brown and purple against his palm, as well.

"… L?"

"Yes, Raito-kun?"

Raito felt his eye twitch, the pain pounding against the back of his head, spine and _ass_, literally pulling him completely away from his restful slumber.

"… Why are we completely covered in pink glitter, Vaseline and what appears to be… peanut butter and jelly stuck between us?"

"Hm? Pink glitter you say?"

"Yeah…"

"And Vaseline?"

"Yes…"

"And… peanut butter and jelly?"

"Yes, L, yes! What. The. Hell. L."

"I don't know, Raito-kun… a strange drunken compulsion of yours, along with a kinky desire and love of peanut butter and jelly on my part, perhaps?"

Raito's eye twitched as L's arm tightened around his middle, the early morning light basking them with an orange glow.

"You're an asshole, you know that?"

"Hm… you weren't saying that last ni-"

"DAMN IT, L! NO MORE SEX OR SANDWICHES FOR YOU!"

"… … … That's what _you_ say no-"

**SLAP!**

_**CRASH!**_

"Damn it, Raito-kun! Was that really necessary?!"

"Don't let me answer that... And that's what they mean by peanut-butter-jelly-time, biatch." Raito flipped his hair back as he huddled back beneath his covers, small smirk settled over his face. "Hmph."

* * *

Disclaimer: I don't own the song "Lick" by Joi. Ha ha. Ha ha. L kind-of stripping (Because really, L stripping at all with that monotone look on his face is hilarity any way you look at it!) to that weird ass song amuses me so much, it should be illegal... And I don't own the crazy saying or weird little song "Peanut-Butter-Jelly-Time", just in case someone attacks me for that... or Skeletor from He-man. (I am tempted to somehow include Skeletor Vs. Beast Man by CKY in this story... but I won't do that to you poor people. Lol!)

So, what have we learned this chapter? Apparently Raito enjoys to strip in his free time, when on stage, all L has to do is pull down his pants and he amazes all, Mikami enjoys getting humiliated in his own twisted way whilst scheming something potentially humiliating to himself once again and people in strip clubs enjoy bitch fights and comparing L to Skeletor from He-man. And don't forget... Peanut-butter-Jelly-Time... with a baseball bat, if you would like.

Any questions? Lol.

Why do all my chapter eight's in this universe always include L Vs. Mikami showdowns and L pulling down his pants? XD Fun-times galore. And where did Sayu and Misa go? O.o; Always something to anticipate for the next chapter. ^.^ Thanks for reading, and hoped you enjoyed the chaotic-ness! Yays.


	9. The Problems with Indecisiveness

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Nine: _The Problems with Indecisiveness_

* * *

"Hey, Sayu?"

"Yes, Misa?"

"What time is it?"

"… Late."

"Oh. How late?"

"Late, late."

"Like… really late?"

"Are you retarded more so than usual right now?"

Misa gave her friend a drunken stare as she staggered over her own feet.

"Maybe…"

Sayu Double-Face-Palm.

"Of course you are."

"Where do you think Raito went?"

Sayu sighed as she pulled out her cell phone and called a cab, not even deigning to answer the slightly older woman's question as the blonde staggered beside her, light brown eyes glazed and disoriented from both alcohol and… well, Misa was just about always disoriented, so really, it was to be expected at this point.

"Saaaaaayuuuu…"

The brunette sighed as she tuned out her friend.

'Hello Karma, thank you for biting me right on the ass…'

"Oh, Raito… you are so in for a world of doom and destruction once I find your bitchy male-menopausal ass… just you wait and see."

"SAYU!"

_CRASH!_

**_SPLASH!_**

_Doom. _

_And._

_Destruction._

_Damn it._

"Heh, heh, Sayu-chan went crashy-crash into a puddle full of dirty water and worms. YAY! LET ME JOIN!"

**_SPLASH!_**

'Preferably in that order.'

* * *

_**Two Weeks Later…**_

* * *

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

"… I'm doing it wrong again, aren't I?"

Tap.

Tap.

Tap.

"Now," Raito felt his eyebrow tick in agitation as the slightly older man fidgeting next to him watched his index finger continue to drum out a beat against his polished wooden table. "Why would you ask that, Matsuda?"

Matsuda sighed as he pushed the large schedule he had been formulating for his client away from his person as he rubbed one of his eyes with the back of his right hand. "Because only you would be so anal-retentive that you would actually build a repetitive little song from one finger because you're annoyed at someone not doing something right and thinking they're complete ass-hats?"

Eye twitch.

"… Cupcake?" Matsuda held a pink-frosted cupcake in good natured camaraderie as Raito gave him his one of a kind Super Glare (Which was so powerful in all its awesome glory that it needed to be capitalized, damn it).

"Matsuda…"

"Yes, Yagami-kun?"

"Just shut the fuck up and get the flipping cupcake out of my damn face."

"Yes sir!"

Matsuda moved away from the distressed-looking artist as he glimpsed over at the complete set of paperwork still in front of him, still not sure whose name to put on the top of the forms, even after a good two weeks of pondering.

'All three of them were so cute and smart and… and… just everything I've wanted in a child! Well, minus obedient, but what the hell, life can't be as perfect as I am.' Raito tapped his pencil against his paper as he heard a loud crash emanate from the kitchen and Matsuda swearing heartily about his now burnt fingers and flame-encrusted palms. 'Besides, I'm sure once I have one of them here, they'll act a lot better than the way they did when they were at the orphanage! It was probably just the competition of other children that was talking…'

"OH MY GOD, MY WRIST IS ON FIRE TOOOOOOOOOO!" Matsuda hollered as more banging was heard from the kitchen, Raito sighing as he brought out a small notepad from his pocket and opened it up.

'Maybe I should write a list of good qualities and bad qualities about each one…'

"SOMEBODY, PLEASE CALL A DOCTOR FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!"

'Then, I'll have a clearer idea about who L and I will be most compatible with! Damn, I come up with awesome ideas…'

"WHY, OH WHY WON'T SOMEONE JUST HELP ME! GAH! OH MY FUCKING GOD, MY PANTS! HOW THE HELL DID **THOSE** GET ON FIRE **TOO**?!"

'Hm… Let's do this from oldest to youngest…'

* * *

_Mihael-_

_**Good Qualities: **_

_Seems to be very honest with his… err… emotions_

_Very... playful? (In a semi-psychotic sort of way…)_

_Likes sweets like L, so shopping won't have to change very much at least_

_L gets along with him fine, miracle of miracles_

_Is very cute – Might even be able to pass him off as a girl… (Dress Up Time! Yay!)_

_**Bad Qualities:** _

_Loud_

_Annoying_

_Needs to be tranquilized on a daily basis_

_Hates everything and anyone that gets him mad… which just about covers everyone __**and**__ everything_

_Very easily turns to violence_

_Would most likely wreck house the first day in coming (And I just got my new drapes in yesterday damn it!)_

_Mail- _

_**Good Qualities:**_

_Easily entertained_

_Likes Funions, apparently? (They are crazy-delicious…)_

_Isn't difficult to please_

_Very funny_

_Laidback, much like L_

_L also gets along with him, much to my surprise_

_**Bad Qualities:** _

_Is a smartass_

_Is addicted to gaming_

_Like Funions (After their crazy-delicious taste, they make your breathe smell like shit!)_

_Is an instigator (I sense a lot of fist fights in both L's and my future if we adopt him…)_

_Doesn't like to show much effort towards anything_

_Seems content to fall back unnoticed into the crowd_

_Nate-_

_**Good Qualities:**_

_Is very cute! (OH MY GOD, SO FUCKING KAWAII!)_

_Very compliant_

_Annoys the crap out of L (Hm… why is this such a good quality again…?) _

_Seems to be very attached to me already_

_Is quiet_

_Is so innocent, it actually hurts a little inside_

_**Bad Qualities:** _

_Manipulative (Hey, I can just tell at this point, damn it)_

_Annoys the crap out of L (This can be both a good thing and a bad thing, I say)_

_Uses his cuteness to his advantage (going back to being manipulative)_

_Doesn't really pay attention to the world around him_

_Is likely to say embarrassing things in public without thinking about it (who does he remind me of, exactly… hm…)_

_Very introverted - to the point of being anti-social, actually (Just what I need… another L. Shit)_

* * *

Raito blinked as he looked down at the lists.

'This… well, this…'

Well…

That hadn't helped in the least, actually.

There were things he loved about each child and then there were things he hated that counteracted what he loved to begin with, only making the decision TWICE as difficult.

Raito sighed as he scratched his head.

This was not working out as planned…

"Whoo!" Matsuda entered the room once again as he patted his now bandaged hands against the fray of his shirt, his pants streaked dark charcoal black in various places… especially around the crotch and thigh area. "Thank God that's over… No more chaotic freak accidents for me!"

_**SLAM!**_

_CRASH!_

NOSE-SLAM OF BITCHINESS!

"OH MY FUCKING GOD, MY NOSE!"

"RAITO! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!" Sayu stomped into the apartment as Matsuda lay on the ground, clutching his now bleeding nose with both hands. Pointing a finger at her older brother whom she hadn't seen in nearly two weeks, the unstoppable force that was Yagami Sayu was unleashed onto the poor unsuspecting apartment that had done nothing but… give living space. "YOU CAN EVADE ME NO LONGER, YOU LITTLE SCAREDY-ASS FUCKER! YOU'RE GORGEOUSLY PERFECT ASS IS MINE, PANSY-PANTS!"

"I have no idea what you're talking about." Raito shifted backwards as he tried to push out his chair as quietly as possible without alerting the she-devil of his imminent escape. "I mean really, are you alright, Sayu? I know you weren't carrying a full deck of cards to begin with…"

"DON'T TALK TO ME LIKE I'M A DUMBASS YOU OVERLY FLAMBOYANT TOM CRUISE IMPERSONATOR! You left me for dead at a strip club that I've never even been to before and then had the nerve to hide from for two damn weeks!"

"Like you've never done that to _me _before…"

"Alright, let me re-phrase for your own entertainment then; you left me for dead at a strip club that I've never even been to before _WITH A DRUNK MISA_ and then had the nerve to hide from for _**TWO DAMN WEEKS**_!"

"… … Ok, you've got me there." Raito leaned back as Sayu came uncomfortably close to his face, his former escape plans withering away as her twitching eyebrow managed to scare the shit out of him far more than he would have thought possible "But it wasn't by choice. I was drunk out of my mind too. I don't even remember anything that happened after I went back on stage and tried to start stripping again…"

"Before, or after the random midgets came on stage with you and both men and women alike began throwing panties at your head as you proceeded to try to hump one of the poles?"

Raito sweat dropped.

"… … Ok. I officially do _not_ want to remember, then."

"And if that weren't bad enough…" Sayu began to bawl as she threw herself on the floor, face in between her hands. "I missed whatever gangbang you and Ryuuzaki had planned afterwards! DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY I COULD HAVE MADE SELLING YOUR HOT SWEATY MAN-SEX LAST NIGHT?! _I COULD HAVE BEEN BILL-GATES-OUT-OF-YOUR-FREAKING-MIND RICH, YOU ASSHOLE_!"

Raito gave her a disgusted glare.

"I'm so sorry you didn't have the chance to intrude on my privacy and exploit it for your own gain, then. I promise to be more considerate to _your_needs next time." Raito muttered sarcastically as he shook himself out of his revolted stupor.

"YOU _SHOULD _BE!" Sayu trembled for one more moment before taking in a couple deep breaths as she attempted to ground herself once more. "But that's ok… that's alright… I'll have other chances to fuck with your head and gain satisfaction from doing so. Just. You. Wait. Raito. I _will _get my payback, _and then some_."

The sexier of the two brunettes gulped as Sayu wrung her hands together and smirked evilly.

"Raito-kun?" L poked his head from over railing of the top of their stairs as he held a plate of cookies close to his chest. "Hm… I thought my 'Raito-is-about-to-get-fucked-up' sense went off, and I came to see if any of said action was about to take place and by _whom_. But it seems it is only an impending ass-whooping about to take place, so I suppose it doesn't matter."

"Hey, Ryuuzaki!" Sayu chirped as she looked up at him, her cheerful grin once again in place as she stood up and brushed off her pants, completely ignoring her older brother who was staring at her as if she had just Magyver-ed her way out of a paper bag. "Just stopped by to say hi to our little man-whore in training here (_"Hey!" Raito cried out in outrage._) and not-so-subtly allude to future mind-fucking that will somehow completely humiliate him in all ways possible! So… how have you been?"

"Ah… I see." L ate another cookie. "I am fine, and thank you for asking."

Raito almost fell out of the chair he was still sitting in (fortunately) as he gaped at the two them like a goldfish.

"Why is it that I get the death threat, but he, the person who foiled your plans to begin with, gets a 'Hi, how ya doin' Ryuuzaki?' instead?!"

Sayu blinked.

"Well, because he's seme of course. Throwing me off isn't just natural to him, it's his _job_."

Raito Super Face-Palm!

"Of course…"

"Urgh…" Matsuda finally got up from the floor, his face covered in blood and fingerprints. "If it makes you feel better, Yagami-kun, I think you'd make a great seme!"

"SILENCE!"

"OW!" Matsuda placed both hands over his right eye as a cookie bounced harmlessly to the floor, L glaring stagnantly as his cookie hit right on target. "MY DAMN EYE!"

"You are so immature." Raito deadpanned as L shuffled down the stairs, eye still twitching from time to time. "Can't you just accept that I-"

"Raito-kun and Sayu-chan were just finishing up their _conversation _before Matsuda so rudely interrupted." The dark-haired pervert slouched over to his boyfriend, still holding onto his plate of cookies as if life depended on it.

"Oh, I have nothing else to say. I just came by to warn Rai-chan of what may come so that he couldn't' say I didn't give him any warning ahead of time. Though, just as a consolation prize…" Sayu smirked mischievously before giggling in mad glee. "BRING OUT THE DANCING MONKEYS!"

"Dancing… wha-WHAT THE FUCK?"

'How… the hell… DID SAYU DO THIS, DAMN IT!?' Raito thought to himself as L continued to chomp on his cookies, looking completely unaffected at the onslaught of random animals now rushing down the stairs from what Raito could only assume to be their bedroom and doing strange dances in front of them as Matsuda (who looked as if he had gotten into a fight and had just about gotten his ass kicked all over the place) and Sayu scurried out of the front door, the younger Yagami snickering all the while in an ill attempt to conceal her morbid amusement.

Oh, small bits of revenge certainly was sweet and just.

"WHY ARE YOU NOT FREAKED OUT BY THIS?!" Raito flailed as his lover then picked up another cookie… and began mimicking the monkey's dancing with said cookie.

"I have Raito-kun beside me and cookies within reach… I think I have my priorities in correct assortment, Raito-kun. The monkeys may dance away if it makes them happy."

"ARE YOU NOT EVEN WONDERING HOW IN THE HELL THEY GOT INTO OUR APARTMENT YOU WEIRDO?!"

"Hm…"

"…"

"…"

Raito felt his eye twitch in aggravation.

"… … You somehow had a hand in this, didn't you?"

L blinked innocently as he munched on another cookie.

"Err… Sur-prise, Rai-chan?"

"Should I even say it?"

L sighed as he swallowed the last bit of chocolate-chip goodness within his mouth and hung his head in pseudo-shame.

"No, Raito-kun. I know I shall not be getting lucky tonight."

"Good, now make those monkey's stop doing the damn Macarena and staring at me like I'm a piece of meat. I'm going to call Whammy-san and afterwards, hope I can erase the last fifteen minutes of my life with a half a bottle of Grey Goose and some _really _explicit porn. If you'll excuse me, I need to go lament on the fact that I just lost fifteen minutes of my life I can never get back now."

Raito waited a couple of seconds as he glanced at his watch before slowly strolling up the long length of stairs leading up into the long hallway which led directly to both his and L's bedroom…

…

…

…

…

_Smack!_

_**CRASH!**_

"WAIT FOR ME, RAITO-KUN! THE DANCING MONKEYS SHALL BE ELIMINATED IN NO MORE THAN FIVE MINUTES AND OUR ONGOING LOVIN' MAY COMMENCE!"

Raito sweat dropped.

Really… he should just expect it _all_ at this point.

* * *

"Raito-kun…"

The utterly exhausted brunette bombshell nearly kicked his lover out of the bed as L began to poke him in the forehead, trying to gather him from out of slumber. Sighing at the loss of such wonderful sleepy-time, Raito glanced at his lover as the later blinked owlishly, pointing at their cordless phone sitting right next time them as it rang.

"It's ringing, Raito-kun."

It took a lot of self-control to actually _not_kick L in the balls as he glanced at Raito once more before rolling back into bed.

The bastard.

Hefting himself over the thin lump of laziness still settled in bed (and who was wide-awake, by the freaking way), Raito nearly fell over the other side of the bed as he caught the phone, L choosing at that moment to shift almost completely over onto Raito's side of the bed.

The double bastard.

"Hello?" Raito answered breathlessly, hoping to all that was good and right in this world that whoever was on the other line (damn himself for not checking the caller ID!) would not get the wrong idea.

"Err… Yagami-san?"

Damn it.

"Whammy-san! How are you? I'm sorry, you've just caught me in waking!" The younger of the two artists nearly squeaked out as L (once again the bastard of the day) chose that moment to wrap his arms around the 24-year-old and pull him closer to his person.

"Ah, I see. I must apologize then, Yagami-san. I just wished to call to see if you wanted to make an appointment to see the children again and discuss a couple of things that have come to my attention with both you and your… spouse."

"Oh!" Raito pushed himself up, kicking L right in the ribs and throwing him off the bed in doing so. "When's the soonest you want us to come in, then?"

"Will Yagami-san be able to come in today if possible? If not, we have other appointments…"

"No, today's perfect! When do you need us to be there?"

"How about at ten? Gives both of you a chance to freshen up, yes?"

Raito glanced towards the clock on the wall, surprised it was only eight in the morning.

'Jeez… I must've really been out of it last night.'

"That's perfectly fine, Whammy-san. I guess we'll see you in a couple of hours!"

"Of course. Just meet me in my office and we'll speak there first. Otherwise, have a nice morning Yagami-san. Hopefully, I shall see you soon."

"Yes, goodbye." Raito almost squealed in glee before clicking off the phone and placing it back on its stand, barely giving L a second glance as dashed towards the closet and pulled two sets of clothes for both himself and his boyfriend.

"Raito-kun," L muttered, still kneeling on the floor next to the large bed in the middle of the room. "Please tell me we are not going into that godforsaken orphanage once more…"

"Hm… I would, but then that would be a lie, and even I'm not that desperate for you to come along if you're just going to act the same way you did when we went in there the _last_time." The lithe amber-eyed man snarked as he grabbed his clothing and folded it over his arm, barely giving the other artist within the room a second glance as he proceeded to walk into the master bathroom that lay adjoined to their bedroom and held the door within his free hand. "So here's your choice, Picasso. You can come with me and actually bother to be a part of this process, or you can stay here and wallow in your own assortment of baked goods while you wonder if I'll come home with a child or not. Quite frankly, I don't give a damn either which way; all I know is, I want a kid, and I'm getting one whether you come with me or not!"

_**SLAM! **_

L almost jumped as the pictures framing the wall rattled at the force the door was slammed, blinking in astonishment.

'To eat cupcakes, or to not eat cupcakes… that is the question.' The raven-haired insomniac sighed as he turned his head and stared at the white long-sleeved tee-shirt and jeans his boyfriend had taken out of the closet and thrown onto the bed, eyes narrowing in grudging acceptance. 'Damn you, Raito-kun. You're over-the-top temper tantrums and flamboyant over-exaggerations of such insignificant issues have trapped me once again.'

"You win this round, Raito-kun." The 31-year-old wannabe adult claimed as he stood up and cracked his still curved spine, shuffling over to the clothes and simply throwing them on over his shirtless chest and boxers (which he hadn't changed in three days-SCORE ONE FOR L!). "Oh, the things I do for you and your conceited wants."

"ONLY PASSED BY WHAT I DO FOR YOUR ANTI-SOCIAL ASS, L!"

"How the hell…?" L scratched his head as he walked out of the bedroom, deciding that wondering just how Raito had managed to hear his low grumble from over the loud rush of water pouring over from the showerhead of their bathroom was a mystery just not worth figuring out without losing his sanity.

"So not worth it…" The raccoon-eyed sugar-addict whispered as he made his way towards the kitchen, where a nice double-layered chocolate cake was calling his name…

* * *

"I wonder what he wants to talk about…" Raito wondered as L turned on the ignition of the car, pulling on his seatbelt over his sexy torso. "It seemed kind of urgent from the way he was talking on the phone. A little rushed, if still polite, ya know?"

"Perhaps he is trying to inform us of some impending conflict?" L suggested as he pulled out of their parking space and rolled out of the extensive driveway.

"Then why ask if we want to see the kids?" Raito wondered out loud, the niggling prod in the back of his head blooming into full-out doubt. "Hm. Something smells funny here…"

"Really?" L sniffed the interior of the car, making Raito sweat drop. "Are you sure, Raito-kun? I know I had the car cleaned out the other day…"

"I didn't mean literally, you smartass!"

L smirked.

"Of course not, Raito-kun."

"But that's beside the point…" The now surly 24-year-old pouted as he slumped within the car seat, chocolate-brown eyes darkening as the prospect of not being able to adopt became a bit more prominent. "Why lead us on if there's a problem? I would hate to become attached to one of the children to only be told that we wouldn't be able to take him in as our own."

"I'm sure nothing of the like will happen, Raito-kun." Taking one perilous hand off of the steering wheel and ruffling the other's hair with it barely took a second as Raito squawked in horror before pulling out his emergency comb and mirror to begin fixing the mess L had created. "You're obsessive-compulsive nature and my annoying habit of being extremely persistent will no doubt do the job if they attempt to deny us the right of having children at this point."

"Am not obsessive-compulsive…" Raito grumbled as he combed each hair back into place, cinnamon-brown hair glistening within the morning light.

"Sure you're not, Raito-kun…" L was almost tempted to snort in amusement. "Sure you're not."

* * *

"Ah, Yagami-san! Ryuuzaki-san!" The receptionist who had greeted them on the first day perked up at the sight of them, dark eyes glistening with amusement behind round-rimmed spectacles. "Whammy-san is waiting for you right inside. Please, go on in!"

Raito gave a small polite bow and smile as he murmured a quiet thank-you as L simply waved a hand and shuffled past the two exchanging pleasantries, wanting to get this meeting over and done with.

Giving another polite smile, this one of apology, Raito smacked the other man behind the head whilst he thought the receptionist wasn't looking.

Neither heard the man giggle to himself as he turned back to his paperwork, quite amused at the display of nagging wife and uncaring husband the two seemed to portray without even trying.

"Yagami-san, Ryuuzaki-san, how good to see the both of you!" Whammy sat behind his large oak desk as both men smiled (or at least, Raito smiled. L just sort of stared impassively like always…) and sat down in their respective chairs. "I know I spoke to you just a little while ago, Yagami-san, but I must ask, how are you both doing today?"

"Oh, we're both great." Even Raito could tell how fake _that_ sounded. "Just hoping nothing has come up to negate the process at all…?"

"Oh no! Well… nothing on your half, Yagami-san." Raito blinked as Quillsh smiled paternally before patting him on the hand. "I noticed that you seemed quite attached to three of our boys the other day, and I was hoping if you would mind spending some more time with them whilst I spoke to your significant other."

Raito blinked before turning towards L, watching the older of the two barely even twitch as he nodded in Raito's general direction, eyes not leaving the caretaker's form in the slightest.

"I am quite sure Raito-kun would enjoy that immensely." L responded for him, making Raito stutter a bit before nodding, noticing the sudden tense atmosphere between caretaker and artist.

"Does Yagami-san remember the way to the recreational room?"

"Uh…" Raito nodded emphatically as he made his way to the door, the stifling clash of blank stares and overly-familiar smiles making him want to run out a.s.a.p. "Yeah, I think I'll be fine. I'll just… be on my way."

Quillsh gave a razor-like smile tipped with steely dark eyes.

"That'll be fine. Just let my receptionist know as you're leaving the office, and he'll open the door leading to the main hall for you."

Raito gave his love one last glance as he closed the door, wondering if leaving L to his own devices was really such a bright idea.

'I'm going to have to trust L to not screw this up for us…'

Raito got the sense that he was officially boned already.

* * *

"Well, here we are. We have two other adults in here monitoring since Whammy-san is not going to be able to watch like the last time, so don't be freaked out by the two random-looking people watching you, ok?" Raito nodded as the receptionist smiled and patted him on the back. "Good luck!"

"Wait, wah?"

The door slammed shut with a small click as Raito entered the large room filled with children, all playing with each other and generally doing little kid things.

"Raito-daddy!"

The startled brunette almost fell over as a small bundle of silvery tufts of hair, white pajamas and dark eyes bombarded him at the entrance of the rec. room, taking him completely by surprise. The other children within the room stared at the normally emotionless toddler as he huddled himself within the brunette's embrace.

"I missed you…" The small child whispered against his right leg, head peaking up at the artist almost shyly.

Raito just about melted into a big pile of goop right into the ground as he felt his eyes tearing up at the sheer cuteness of the scene.

"Not as much as I missed you!" A small blonde came rushing forth from the same direction as the light-haired boy, dark clothing contrasting salaciously with his pale skin and rounded eyes. The brunette felt himself let out a small 'Oomph!' as another pair of arms wrapped themselves around his left leg and snuggled beside the first child. "I missed you _way_ more than _he _missed you. He only kind of missed you; the other kids even said so!"

Raito sweat dropped as he felt the blood circulation to his legs slowly begin to cut off.

"Heh, heh…" A redhead with bright tangerine-colored goggles appeared next to them, gaming device (of course) still in hand. "The idiot brigade, here to bitch-fight over potential parents and just _who_ is the more dominant of the two! I go for the blonde… he looks both feistier and _happier_, if you get my drift…"

"Shut the hell up, Mail!" Mihael kicked the instigating redhead on the knee as he giggled, not looking the slightest bit put off by the volatile blonde. "I am _not happy_!"

"Could've fooled the rest of the world, then. Didn't know they made leather cat-suits in child sizes."

"YOU BASTARD!"

"What did he mean by happy, Raito-daddy?" Nate wondered, his dark eyes gaining in size as Raito flushed. "Because I am very happy, Mail. Quite possibly the happiest person in this room next to Raito-daddy. Right?"

Raito sweat dropped.

"You want to know what I meant, Nate?" Mail leaned into the other boy's ear as Raito gasped, shaking his head. "I meant that Mihael likes to bend over and-"

"MAIL, I'LL KICK YOUR ASS!"

Before either Nate or Raito could stop the inevitable fight, a large shadow loomed over the boy, frightening the both of them before fists could even be thrown. Blinking in wonderment, Raito turned around-

Only to just about fall flat on his face.

"Ryuuzaki?!"

A dark-haired scraggly man stood behind him, pale white shirt streaked in red (what the hell?) along with the man's long half-bitten fingers. Dirty jeans hung off the man's slim waist, giving the appearance of being thinner than he actually was as he quirked an obscured eyebrow upward, the familiar face actually a bit more gaunt and... much more menacing than the one Raito was trying to place.

"Who?"

"NO WAY!" Mihael screeched, pointing a finger at the random man hunched over in front of them. "HE'S WEIRD AND PSYCHOTIC AND NOT _NEARLY _AS AWESOME AS RYUUZAKI! I THINK HE EATS PUPPIES IN HIS SPARE TIME AND SHITS OUT EVIL SPIRITS HE NAMES GEORGE! EVERYONE THIKS HE WAS BORN OUT OF AN ELEPHANT'S WOMB AND BIRTHS ONLY SCORPIONS, SINCE HE DOESN'T NEED TO MATE TO MULTIPLY! HE'S EVIIIIIIIILLLLLLL I TELL YOU! **EVIIIIIILLLLLLL**!"

Raito blinked as he pulled Mihael back a couple of feet, wondering if all kids were secretely this crazy.

"Uh… ok?"

The person in front of them simply licked one of their fingers before rolling their eyes. "Stop fighting you nitwit. I'm trying to plot someone's demise here, and watching you're little temper tantrum is pissing me off. Do it again, and I'll rip out your eyeball and feed them to the redhead whilst I strap you down to a chair and play jump rope with your tongue. Got it?"

'What the…' Was all the brunette thought before Raito pulled the children back as he wondered just _what_ kind of orphanage he was adopting out of. "Are you allowed to-"

"I CAN'T DO THIS ANYMORE! THE PRESSURE IS JUST TOO MUCH!" A dirty-blonde-haired man stood up from a corner in the far right side of the room that Raito hadn't even _seen_, running out of the room like a little girl who had gotten their hair on fire. "MY BRAIN HURTS! TAKE THE PAIN AWAAAAAYYYYYY! HELP ME BABY JESUS! HELP ME!"

"Third flipping time this week…" The L-look-alike mumbled before turning around and slouching after his companion whom had just fled the room, all the children still playing as if nothing had happened at all. "I need a freaking vacation."

"Kids…"

"Yes, Raito-daddy?"

"… … I think this place's crazy even surpasses both mine and Ryuuzaki's."

"Sadly enough," Mail mumbled as looked up from his video-game, still listening to the sound of one of the former sitter's screams reverberating throughout the hall. "I think you're right. Woe… is us. Like Mihael's gay leather vest. Get it? Both are sad, and yet allude to much gayer things in the future. Ha, ha."

"DAMN IT, MAIL! I'LL KILL YOU!"

"Oh, don't try to sweet talk me. You know I love it just as kinky as you do."

"Kin… ky? What does that mean, Raito-daddy? Does it feel good?"

"_Oh, yeah…_"

"MAIL! STOP FEEDING THE KID MORE CRAP!"

"You first, honey-bunch!"

"GRAAAAAAGH!"

Raito Double-Face-Palm.

"And I thought there was a choice to be made…"

* * *

-Author does not promote the gratuitous use of alcohol this story may represent. The story totally does, though- **ESPECIALLY IF YOU HAVE CHILDREN**. But not the... author? Hm...

Lol. That was fun. And why dancing monkeys? Because I said so, that's why. Don't question me and my monkeys, damn it! XP And look! Cameos! XD I really have to thank Star-Jinin who gave me the idea to add a certain character in, and in doing that, I just couldn't help myself- I had to add in another as well. Perfect opportunities ahoy!

And you all thought you saw the extent of my immaturity. Wrong-o. I reach new and amazing levels everyday. I'm like the best thing ever, but better. And yes, that totally made sense, damn it. XD I'd like all of you to remember that these chapters are not beta-ed, so please, be kind and alert if you see mistakes. I love doing things half-assed, as is my motto, so proof-reading is usually... well, half-assed. ^.^; Though now that school is out of the way for the time being, I may be able to get these damn things beta-ed... Kit-chan, get ready then. Lol. I'd like to thank you all for reading, and if you would be so kind to review, that would be excellent as well (though never required for an update; remember that!). See ya guys later!

* * *


	10. Dead Man Adopting

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Ten: _Dead Man Adopting_

* * *

"Is that… a normal occurrence around here?" Raito whispered as the two children still vying for his attention simply hung off parts of his body, looking scared as all hell.

"Have you _met_ the other personnel around here?" Mail snickered as he turned off his gaming device and took in the spectacle before him about to happen. "They're actually the _least_ crazy ones here. Imagine just what the other loonies are like before you judge those two. Trust me, compared to everybody else... they're like Mary-fucking-Poppins and her drugtastic brigade."

"Please tell me you're kidding." The brunette muttered out loud, for once hoping to be dashed in his delusions.

The three children stayed completely silent.

Raito sweat dropped rather pitifully.

"Of course you're not…"

"You know what, let's quit pussy-footing around!" Mihael threw down his chocolate bar (which in retrospect, took _a lot_ of effort on his part) and pulled himself away from the brunette with the miraculous twitching eye. "Stop being such a jack-hole and just tell us who you're going to freaking ADOPT!"

"… … Dude, you need to work out those raging anger issues." Mail commented as he fixed his goggles, eyes narrowing behind the shield of orange-gold. "But, I have to agree with Shiva, here. Who _are _you taking home, pretty boy?"

"I don't… I don't know…" Raito sighed as he stared down at Nate's large dark eyes, silvery curls falling over his gaze as the boy gave him the _cutest _set of puppy-dog eyes he had ever seen in his life. "All of you have so many qualities I actually find endearing, and as much as I may hate to admit it, I actually like all of too much to just pick _one_ of you…"

"So don't." Mail interrupted, his green eyes shimmering as he lifted up his goggles in a rare show of seriousness. "Believe it or not, but we all really like ya too, and I am a firm believer of the saying 'sharing is caring', my friend."

"Package deal, anyone?" Mihael quirked an eyebrow as he picked up his chocolate bar once again. "I think I'm cool with that… as long as that freaky albino midget doesn't give me his weirdo eyes while I'm sleeping, or I'm kicking some ass and taking some fucking names!"

Nate then proceeded to give Mihael such eyes.

"DAMN IT, WHY DOES EVERYONE SEEM TO LIVE OF PISSING ME THE HELL OFF?!"

"I'm gonna go off a limb here, but it might have something to do with the fact that it's pretty easy to piss you off anyway." Mail pulled down his goggles over his face once more, entering his 'sarcastic-mode' once again with a simple twitch of the wrist. "Really, I'm 99 percent sure that all a person has to do is _exist_, and you manage to get angry at the fact. Dude, how do you **not** have hemorrhoids?!"

Mihael shifted uncomfortably.

"… … … Uh… well, you see, about that…"

"DUDE!" Mail backed away from his best friend in disgust. "You know what? There are still some things in this world that should stay a secret, and whatever is underneath those pants or inside your rectum is one of them!"

"You _asked_!"

"YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO ANSWER! IN FACT, NO ANSWER WAS NECESSARY!"

"And you want me to live with _this _for who knows how long?" Raito scrunched up his brow as he knelt down on the floor, mocha-brown eyes narrowed in thought. "I want you guys, but I would also like to keep my sanity whilst I'm at it."

"We won't be bad!" Mihael suddenly burst out, hands madly waving in the air (the chocolate bar had somehow _mysteriously_ disappeared within the boy's mouth unknowingly).

"We'll be perfect angels!" Mail added in, goggles bouncing up and down on his face in delight.

"Raito-daddy will be pleased with out behavior!" Nate smiled cutely (with a slight tinge of creepy, if truth be told) at the older man as the boys gathered around Raito's legs as if they were some sort of bonfire.

"I LOVE CHEESE!" A random child crept into their conversation, making the other three sweat drop as the boy's gathered around Raito's legs.

Mihael then proceeded to viciously punch him in the face before kicking him off to the side.

"Like we were saying…" The blonde coughed as if nothing had even occurred.

Raito sighed once again.

"I don't know…" Raito fidgeted with his fingers as the boys smiled as widely as humanly possible, their dewy eyes dripping with childhood innocence.

'More like future childhood delinquency…'

"Do these look like faces that would lie to you?" Mail inquired as Nate and Mihael nodded emphatically in agreement.

"… … Yes. I am completely and utterly sure that you three would totally lie to my face and enjoy doing so." Raito felt his lips twitch in amusement as the boy's faces seemed to simultaneously drop. "But…"

"WELL?!"

"Let's talk conditions, and then we'll see."

"YES!"

"Yay!"

"That's what I'm talking about!"

"… … I STILL LOVE CHEESE!"

_**SMACK!**_

"People these days…" Mihael muttered as Raito sweat dropped.

"We're _really_ going to have to work on that, Mihael… _**really**_."

* * *

"So…" Quillsh grinned enigmatically as he shuffled strewn papers across his spacious desk, his glasses glinting peculiarly against the dying rays of sunlight pouring over from behind him. "I have some questions about the paperwork that you both filled out and sent to us, Ryuuzaki-san."

"Yes…"

"I'll be quite frank, none of this information seems to lead me to anywhere. In fact," The older caretaker nearly snorted as L blinked innocently, his large dark eyes rounding out his lean pale face rather cutely. "I'd have to say that your lack of personal history are the only thing hindering this adoption."

"Lack of…?" Taking a page out of Aizawa's _Book of Ultimate Secrets and Fantastic Afrolicious Hair-Styles™_, L said as little as possible, he himself one hundred percent sure that all of his resources were sound and reliable.

Just so that he wouldn't fall into this trap, he had personally alerted all of his contacts and re-named all of his files so that when the orphanage attempted to arraign his information, nothing would fall short.

It seemed, however, there was just a _tiny_ snag in the plan…

"So, you're really going to play this game with me, aren't you?"

L felt his eye twitch as his lips unnoticeably quirked downwards, his expression devoid of any emotion whatsoever as Quillsh continued to eye him with both resolve and amusement.

"What game?"

'_Thank you Aizawa, for your penchant for blinding people senseless with both your afro and vague answers._'

"I guess that's a yes then."Quillsh Whammy leaned forward as the smile still lingering on his lips barely softened in the slightest. "So tell me, what year were you born?"

"1979."

"What's your favorite color?"

"Blue."

"Do you like sweets?"

"Of course. Only someone as anal as Raito-kun would hate sweets."

"Do you have any siblings?"

"_Not that I know of_."

"Any illegitimate or legitimate children that your lover doesn't know about?"

"… Again, _not that I know of_."

"If you could switch places with anyone in the world, who would it be?"

"Willy Wonka, of course."

Quillsh sweat dropped.

"… … I meant a _real _person."

L's eyes watered up in faux-innocence as he chewed his thumb.

"You mean there _is _no Willy Wonka?! Next you'll tell me there isn't a Santa Claus or an Easter Bunny either!" L then deadpanned as his voice became characteristically devoid of all emotion. "_Woe is me_."

"Err… _right_…"

"You may continue."

"Thank you for your permission." Quillsh snapped sarcastically. "Now… how much wood would a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?"

"A hell of a lot of wood, sir. A hell of a lot of wood. Although I suppose it also depends on the amount of wood the woodchuck had to chuck as well…"

"Very true." Quillsh snarked. "Now, are you a fan of Coldplay?"

"… … … _Why?_"

"Good answer. Do you hear strange noises or voices at night?"

"Does this include moaning and groaning, along with the sound of say, chains jingling within the dark?"

"Uh…"

"…"

"… … Let's just… get to the next question, shall we? When was the last time you held a job?"

"I am currently employed."

"Doing what?"

"… … Doing it with your mom." L muttered, his frustration boiling over at this point.

"Excuse me?"

"I said I work with lawyers who are the bomb. What else would I have said?"

"I'm sure that's _exactly _what you said." Quillsh retorted, eyes narrowing in unnatural anger. "So, while you're answering my questions, why don't you answer the most important one of them all?"

"Which is?"

"Why are you really here?"

"To adopt, of course." L blinked as the older man picked up a piece of paper and stared down at it with incredulous eyes.

"Are you sure about that."

"Why _else _would I be at an orphanage?" L deadpanned, wanting to smack this man over the head for asking such stupid questions. "To submit myself as a potential orphan-in-disguise?"

"I do not pretend to understand sick minds."

_**Head-Slam!**_

"You're enjoying this all a little _too _much, aren't you?" L mumbled against the wooden surface of the desk his forehead was now resting upon, missing the quirk of Quillsh's head as he nearly laughed at the poor man sitting rather pitifully in front of him.

"Oh, I must admit, I am enjoying this more than a person probably should be enjoying this kind of entertainment, but that's all irrelative. It's my job to make sure that these children are in safe and secure hands, and quite frankly, _Ryuuzaki-san_, absconding the truth from me is not going to get your lover the child he wants." Quillsh responded in kind, patting him on the head like a dog. "How would you feel if I had to tell Yagami-san that he could not adopt one or more of these children because you were too selfish to simply tell the truth?"

L could already feel the fight drain out of him as he thought of the look on Raito's face if such thing were to be said.

That, and the ass-whooping that would occur once Raito had pulled himself together and united all of his anger on one singular person; _him_.

"Look, Mr. Dumbledore Jr.," L finally felt the last of his self-control finally snap as the smile on Quillsh's face seemed to now burn with sadistic delight. "I do not know what it is you wish to extract from me, but I can only give you the information that you already have. I do not know what it is you are trying to pinpoint on me."

"I had a feeling you would say something like that to me." Quillsh smirked as he opened one of his many drawers and pulled out a large (_and very familiar, oh god, that thing was supposed to have burned years ago, WHY DID THE MAN WITH THE CREEPY MUSTACHE HAVETHATINHISDESK?!_) folder from within it and dropped the stack onto his desk, the name _**L Lawliet **_written as plain as day on the top tab. "I am quite sure that if Namikawa Reiji were alive today, he would have a different story to tell, but seeing as he passed away a few years back, I am going to have to rely on my _own_ memory as to when you were a child and your name was still L Lawliet."

Staring at the thick folder, L felt his hands clench against his lap. "How…?"

"You really don't remember me, do you?" Quillsh pushed the folder aside as he perused the younger man up and down, somehow taken aback by the bewildered artist's astonishment. "Well, it was such a long time ago, and I do not blame you for wishing to forget about such places now that you have loved one's and a family you are trying to build. You were only in our orphanage for such a short time before you were passed along by one of my lazier predecessors without me knowing."

"But… how… I lived in…"

"I actually moved around from place to place before opening up this orphanage five years ago." Quillsh grinned as he gave his office a trailing glance. "It's just such a surprise to see you grown and ready to start a family of your own! I didn't _fully _recognize you at first, but when you came in earlier, I just _knew_ it had to be you. Luckily, I had managed to grab your folder from one of the past orphanages and have it sent over a week ago just to make doubly sure. Really, who would have thought you would be coming to _me_ for a child or children of your own?!"

"I'm sorry, it's just… I still don't really remember you, though I'm sure it's just as ironic as you're describing…?" L simply shrugged as the older of the two laughed genially at the 31-year-old, looking a bit more amiable than before.

"It's quite alright, I honestly didn't expect you to." Quillsh handled the folder with care as he placed it back within his desk. "But I am obligated to tell you that I refuse to place this adoption under a pseudonym of any form, no matter what the reason. Whatever child Yagami-san may come to choose should now just what life they may be guaranteed in calling one or both of you father."

"… I suppose you are correct." The dark-haired anonymous artist consented, feeling a bit of the tension that had bad been bubbling up within his core seep from his bones in a form of fluidity. "Yet if I am to be completely truthful…"

"Yes?"

L sighed before shaking his head and standing up. "I suppose it is nothing. Though I must ask, now that you know who wishes to adopt one of your own children-"

"Do you expect me to somehow oppose this adoption, knowing what I do?" Quillsh smiled once more, this one much gentler than the last. "I wish for all of my children to find happy loving homes, and I believe that between both yourself and Yagami-san, you will both be able to provide as much to whomever you choose to take in as your own. Now, why don't you go find your partner and speak to him for a bit before making a new appointment with my receptionist for a couple of weeks from today. I think that the both of you will need some time to really… _adjust_ to whatever decision you may have to make, and take in what I have said in serious consideration as well."

L nodded before awkwardly smiling over at the still-grinning man perched behind the rather large desk between them, and walking out of the office with a small spring in his step. Nodding over at the receptionist, L had little to no time to blink before a blur of black and blonde rushed past him and into the office he had been occupying not two seconds before.

"I SO DO _NOT _HAVE INSECURITY ISSUES, I'M JUST _SENSITIVE, _YOU DOUCHE-BAG!"

"So says the guy running around an orphanage shouting like a little girly-boy on their period! YOU NEED SOME SERIOUS THERAPY, YOU FLAMING HOOR!"

"THIS COMING FROM THE POSTER CHILD OF FUCKED-UP ISSUES AND DOLLY-FETISHES! SHUT UP AND GO SUCK ON YOUR FINGERS SOME MORE MAN-BITCH!"

_**CRASH!**_

"What was-"

"_GOD HATES PUSSIES LIKE YOU AND THE HOLES YOU POPPED OUT OF!_"

"_**I SAID SHUT THE FUCK UP**_!"

The voice reverberated from inside the office as L stepped off to the side.

"… …Can you just lead me to wherever the hell Yagami Raito is?"

The nervous receptionist stood up in record speed as they grabbed a set of keys in one hand and L's wrist in the other, running out of the small lounge in a blur of colors.

"Will do!"

* * *

"So after much deliberation and Raito-translation, I think we've got this, dawgs." Mail nodded as he crossed his arms across his chest, a smile set on his face. "So, no throwing things at random animals-"

"Or temper-tantrums that include forks or miscellaneous items than can be used to harm either ourselves or anyone, especially in the groin regions, or what Mihael likes to call, the testicular-area-"

"Or extraordinary spurts of verbal shit leaking out of our mouths when we're out on the streets and you're trying to be all 'undercover' whilst buying weird sex-toys with your crazy pervy-lovah!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Hm…" Nate finished lamely as Mihael chomped on his chocolate obliviously. "You do realize that we will all break at least one or all ((Cough))_Mihael_((Cough)) of these rules within the first five minutes of the first _day_, Raito-daddy?"

"… … Did somebody just say my name?" Mihael blinked as smudges of chocolate residue clung to his lips rather disgustingly.

"We seriously have to work on your ADD, guy." The sarcastic redhead patted the older boy on the shoulder in consolation as the blonde shook in misplaced (and perturbed, really) anger.

"WHO HAS ADD, YOU FUCKER!"

"… … … 'Nough said. Bring on the Ritalin, Anakin."

"Listen, I really don't know why I'm bothering to even _try_ and establish any sort of order for you crazy kids," Raito sullenly replied as he sighed in irritation. "But I have to at least _act _like I'm enforcing _some _kind of law when I tell Ryuuzaki that I-"

"Tell Ryuuzaki you're going to _what_?"

_Crash!_

"DAMN IT, RYUUZAKI! BOUNDARIES, I SAID WE NEEDED BOUNDARIES!"

L smirked as his lover glanced up at him, sprawled out invitingly (_to him, anyway_) on the floor with a dirty glare set over his flawless prettiness. Raito picked himself up with as much dignity as he could muster (and with his prissiness, it was a lot) as the weary artist shuffled his feet in impatience.

"Raito-kun looks as if he wishes to do unpleasant things to my body."

Raito felt his eye twitch as his lover's signature creepy smile lingered over his lips_._

"Though I'm sure Raito-kun is quite aware of the fact that I wouldn't mind it if Raito-kun did things to my body in genera-"

"I _don't _want to do anything to your body, _especially with kids watching_!" Came the immediate reply as the brunette wished horrible things over that dirty warped mind. "You just… _surprised_ me a little. What were you and Whammy-san talking about while I was here with the kids?"

"I will explain to Raito-kun later." L scantily replied as he brushed Raito aside, blinking in bewilderment as the children nestled behind the younger artist gave him three pairs of nearly identical evil-eyes (and Mail was wearing GOGGLES, so it was pretty disconcerting on L's part to watch just how he managed to pull **that** one off…). "Now will my dearest little slice of ass-cake tell me why all the children huddled around you like the three stooges are glaring at me as if I just crapped out the Anti-Christ?"

"Ryuuzaki, enough with the deplorable language! Haven't you ever heard of something called self-control?!" Raito snapped, finally entering the ultimate stage of 'Mommy-Mode' as flames spurted up behind him. Turning back to the three kids now blinking stupidly in a sudden of rush of fear and astonishment, Raito's gentle smile hit them at full-force. "I'm so sorry, kids, that's just what makes him… charming."

"And a stalker." Mail added in, smirking at the man now unapologetically staring at his boyfriend's ass, seeming to forget he was still surrounded by _children_. "And possibly a potential rapist, if you _really_ want to get technical. Tell me, Ryuuzaki-san, do you know that one in every two men deserve to get their ass whooped for some reason or another? Cause I'm pretty sure your ass... most definitely needs a whooping."

"Huh?" L scratched his head as the three kids and Raito sweat dropped. "I apologize, Mail. I was too busy imagining getting my freak on with Raito-kun to actually pay attention to you. What was that again?"

"Touché, Mail." Raito clipped the older man over the back of his head as the kids (other than Nate, who had his 'Serious, oh-so-serious- Actually, I'm not here right now, so just talk to the blank expression' face on) laughed in sadistic delight. "Tou-freaking-ché."

"Raito-kun is so abusive. I shall have to remember that later on tonight when we are both in bed and about to sco-"

"I THINK IT'S TIME TO GO NOW!" Raito gave the kids a sly (they let Raito think it was sly, anyway) wink as he grabbed L's wrist and pulled him over to the entrance of the rec. room. "Um… be good while we're gone, and I promise that the next time I come, I'll have good news for us all. _Right_, Ryuuzaki?"

"Uh…" L looked slightly disturbed by the strange look overlapping his lover's face as Raito waved to the children giddily.

"See you soon, kids!"

"… You think that's the bitchiest of the bitch fights just waiting to happen, or am I just somehow imagining things?" Mihael snarkily snapped as he waved over at Raito and L's retreating forms.

"Dude, I'm just sorry that I'm not a fly on those walls." Mail snickered as he turned his gaming device back on. "Ya know, except for the creepy fetishes and kinky homo-cosplay that probably goes on behind _those _closed doors. I somehow feel like Raito-dad deserves a hug and some extra lubricant for his birthday."

"Say what now?" Nate seemed to _just now_ come back to reality as he toyed with the stuffed animal that somehow appeared out of thin air.

"… … … Just go back into Magic-Candy-Head-Land, Midget-Mack." Mihael patted the boy on his head before smirking. "Let's go, Mail. This is how we roll, bitches…"

"_Thug life, _biatch_…_" The redhead gave a west-side symbol before nodding his head.

Nate blinked as he pulled on a random silvery curl lying on his forehead.

"I think I foresee a lot of drug use and daddy issues in my future."

* * *

Hear that? That's the sound of my brain imploding. I think I need a nap and some Tylenol PM... Lol. I had to re-write this chapter five times (FIVE! I SAID FFFFIIIIIIIVVVVVEEEEEE!) before I felt this was the best that would come out of me. ... ... ... Stfu and stop laughing, damn it, I wasn't being a pervert for once. -.-; I was gonna have this beta-ed... but it wasn't even worth the effort. The next chapter is when I feel all the funny is _really_ going to snap up and take this story by the balls. I already have it planned it... and it's glorious. XD

Though Matt contemplating about L and Raito's sex life and Mihael going gangsta on people's asses whilst Near thinks about his future in drug use and therapy is somehow hilarious to me. (And if you haven't seen the movie _Pineapple Express _yet... please do. I *heart* pothead humor, and this movie is full of it. I'm shameful with the line stealing, aren't I?) C'mon, you now Near totally looks like a pothead/meth-user in the making. Why do you think he looks so flipping sleepy and is always playing with toys all the time? See, I'm a genius. ^.^ And sorry for those who just _want me to get this adoption over with_! For me, that's when the real story begins, but we have to get all the crap out of the way before we can get to the _real _shit. Like dinner; vegetables first, then some banging-ass cake for desert. Rewards, rewards. XD

Hope this chapter managed to amuse, if nothing else. Thanks for reading everybody!

((Thug Life, biatches! REMEMBER THIS _ALWAYS! _XD))


	11. Those Oh So Special Days In Between

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Eleven: _Those Oh-So-Special Days In Between_

* * *

L was quite sure he was either high, or Hell was finally freezing over.

At first, the dark-haired artist thought he was just hearing things.

But then... the lilting noise tickling his ears began to get louder...

And... _bouncier_.

Turning his head to the side, L then finally had to concede to the fact that yes... Raito was indeed humming.

Raito was _humming_, damn it.

Now, normally L could deal with a great many things when it came to Raito. The boy himself was a living advertisement for a myriad of prescription drugs, after all, and that was _before_ you added in all of his abnormal compulsions and strange penchants for completely unhealthy habits and awkward way of drawing in the most strangest of people (his relationship with L topping the list, of course).

But… this?

Birds were actually _chirping_ around his lover while the looming sun hanging within the clear blue sky burned eagerly behind his elegantly straight form, eyes bright with elation as that creepy ass smile only became all the larger.

This was just downright _weird_.

"… … Raito-kun looks different now." L stated as both men left the orphanage after setting up another appointment for two weeks from then, a fair amount of paperwork in each hand. Their car sat a good three feet away from then, also shining as vibrantly as Raito himself.

L was really starting to get creeped-out, now.

Raito shrugged as he grinned brightly, making the elder artist all the more suspicious. "In fact, Raito-kun looks downright radiant. Why is Raito-kun so cheerful all of the sudden?"

"Why shouldn't I be cheerful?" Raito snapped back, eyes still alight with his abnormally joyful disposition. "Aren't I allowed to be happy once in awhile?"

"If it were anyone else, I would say yes," L muttered, glancing back over his shoulder as the distance between them and the orphanage thankfully became all the longer. "But considering it is Raito-kun asking the question, I think I have a right to be perturbed."

"What's that supposed to mean?!"

Ignoring the question at hand, L jumped into the driver's seat, not even blinking as the other's smile had not even dropped at the slightly appalled exclamation, making L believe all the more that Raito had _lost his damn mind_.

"It doesn't matter, because…" Raito sighed before taking L's hand before he could turn on the ignition and settle his other hand over the wheel, eyes catching the other's in a clash of ebony and sepia. "I want to tell you that I've finally made my choice."

"I see…" The dark-haired artist felt himself gulp as the smile on Raito's face did not drop in the least. "Who is it that Raito has decided on then?"

"Well…"

* * *

_**SLAM!**_

Raito swiped the hair away from his face as L slammed the door behind them, the smile that had previously been gracing his lips was now nothing more than a memory as he snarled at his lover, who actually looked as if he were going to vomit.

"You are being so unreasonable about this! I feel like I've honestly put myself on the line, and you've shot me down before I could even try to-"

"Raito-kun, I think that just _one_ child would be a challenge for us," L interrupted the fuming brunette, eyes narrowing as he rubbed the bridge of his nose with his forefinger and thumb. "Three would just be _suicide_."

"We could do it." Raito pouted, trying to gain some advantage through his cute face. "You know that when I put my mind to things, that they get done. Those three boys need something to grasp onto, and that crazy orphanage is not it!"

"I am not someone to deny you a lot of things, Raito, but on this, I will just have to say no." L unfolded himself (ignoring the crack in his back as he did so) and gave the other artist a solid glare. "It will be either one or none."

"Really?" Raito crossed his arms against his chest, eyes narrowing in unbridled rage. "Says _who_?"

"Raito…"

"I bend over backwards making sure that you're happy, and that you have everything you want, and more than anything else, that you have all of _me_." L actually felt his eye twitch as Raito leaned in closer, now quite sure that this would _not_ be ending peacefully. "Out of the two of us, I am quite sure that I'm the one that puts the most in this relationship, and I think that the only reason you don't want to take in these three kids, and why you have been acting like such a _complete_ douche-bag this past month and a half, is because you realize that if I take in these kids, even if _one_, you'll have to actually mentally grow up a couple years and become just a _tad _bit more independent off of me."

L resisted the itch to squirm uncomfortably where he stood, "That is the most ridiculous thing I have ever heard."

"I've known you for almost two years, L, and even on the worst of days have I never seen you act like such an asshole." Raito felt his eyes become clouded as his stance took on a much more defeated slate. "Can't you just do this _one thing_ for me without fighting me the whole way through? Honestly?"

"I would gladly heed to Raito's request if it were reasonable."

"I'm being entirely reasonable, I think!"

"Yes, _Raito _thinks so, of course. Because _whatever_Raito says and believes, _must_ be true and _entirely_ reasonable."

"Don't you dare take that sarcastic tone with me, L Lawliet!"

"Then Raito must stop acting as if he knows better than me and at least try to compromise about this!"

"There is nothing to compromise! I want these kids, and I'm going to get them, damn it!"

"Raito does has neither the means nor the patience to deal with such children, and he is being completely immature

"Oh, I'm being immature, am I?! You're the one who doesn't seem to realize that you're not the only one in this relationship! It's always your way or the highway, and quite frankly, I'm not going to take it anymore!"

"RAITO-KUN WISHES TO ADOPT THREE BRATS FROM HELL AND HAVE THEM INFECT OUR HOME WITH THERE PSYCHOSIS, AND I AM NOT ALLOWED TO BE THE LEAST BIT BOTHERED BY THIS FACT?!" Ignoring the look of shock on his boyfriend's face as his voice actually raised above the volume of 'muttering-status', L cleared his throat and turned around, ready to slouch his way into the kitchen-

"If that's how you want to play it, then _fine_. Two weeks, L." The 24-year-old brunette cut out smoothly, the shock that had been running through his core not even seconds before not evident in the least.

"What does Raito-kun mean by that?" L couldn't help but ask, the spark of fiery anger slowly being smothered away as a small bit of fear began to douse it and blanket over the usually emotionless artist.

"I am going to give you the two weeks we have until our appointment to change your mind, L Lawliet, and if you don't... you will rue the day that you did not yield to this, L!" Raito waved his fist into the air before turning around and stomping up the stairs, not noticing the fleeting look of panic settled over L's dark eyes.

"Raito, can't we speak of this without shou-"

"RUE IT!"

_**DOUBLE SLAM!**_

L sweat dropped as he turned away from the kitchen and plopped down on the couch, letting his head drop into his open hands.

'This does not bode well for me for the next two weeks…'

* * *

_Day One: Dead Silence_

* * *

L blinked as he crept into the kitchen, the complete silence of the room unnerving even to a person like him, whom before he was settled with someone as loud and bordering on obnoxious like Raito, had been accustomed to such quiet.

"Raito?"

A head full of clean cut mocha-brown locks barely twitched as Raito moved about the kitchen in flurry of activity, flying from the refrigerator to the stove without moving back to even acknowledge the other man standing just a little bit behind him.

"Raito-kun?"

Still, nothing.

"Raiiiiitttoooo…"

Not even a glance in his direction.

L felt himself sigh as he walked out of the kitchen.

This was going to be a rough couple of weeks.

* * *

_Day Two: … … Even MORE Dead Silence_

* * *

"I heard from Aizawa that a place in New York wants to set up an exhibit for my work." L stated as Raito, still completely silent, strolled past him in a casual pair of jeans (which for Raito, meant hellishly tight) and a light pink designer shirt (which for Raito, meant fitted to the 3rd degree), ready for a day out in the town. "I told Aizawa that unless he himself was personally seeing to the shipments and the exhibit itself, to decline. He then proceeded to call me crazy… and I'm pretty sure that his afro put in a word or two as well."

Still nothing, even after an insult in Aizawa's afro's direction.

This was most definitely getting to be serious.

And L didn't like it one bit.

"Is Raito-kun going to not say anything at all for the next two weeks?" L quipped, expecting the other to at least _say something_ to him at this point.

Raito didn't even shrug as he walked over towards their closet and grabbed his leather jacket, pulling it over his shoulders in one smooth movement.

"I must thank Raito-kun for the small reprieve. I'll at least be able to hear myself think for the next two weeks."

Raito brushed some hair aside as he stood in front of the mirror that sat just a bit away from their door, his eyes not betraying a look of rage or indignation as his face was then expected for any flaws.

L had to bristle internally as the continuous lack of attention on his lover's part was now officially beginning to get to him.

Not even a twitch in anger, for god's sakes!

L sighed as Raito moved passed him and out the door in a flurry of denim and leather.

Did L say these two weeks were going to be really rough?

'I think I may have understated the harshness the next two weeks have to offer just a _tiny_ bit.'

One thing L was certainly going to learn about the living sex-dream that was his lover…

Armageddon along with Hell, Fire and Brimstone had NOTHING on Raito when you pissed him off the right way.

And L was on a one-way ride down on the Raito-Crazy-Train…

* * *

_Day Three: Obsessive-Compulsive Fits of Neurotic-ness… JUST FOR YOU!_

* * *

Ok, L could admit when he was wrong, as long as he didn't have to admit out loud.

The silence had been annoying, yes, but actually very tolerable compared to... _this_.

"I wonder if I left them upstairs… No, I distinctly remember bringing them downstairs earlier."

The silence, apparently, was no longer a problem.

But that certainly didn't mean that Raito was in any way done with his… fun-time.

"Damn it, where the hell did I put my damn shoes?! I know I had them by the door just an hour ago!" Raito screeched as he walked around piles and piles of both his and L's combined junk now lying in the middle of their living room, having nearly destroyed their apartment from the ground up in an effort to 're-organize' their home.

L certainly knew when he was being tortured.

"Shoes, where are you, shoes…"

He just didn't expect Raito to be so obvious about it.

"Oh well. Not like I have anywhere to be." Raito replied obviously to himselfas he sat down right in the middle of the mess and grabbed the garbage bag that lay behind him in one swift motion. Grabbing the first item he saw, Raito began his assault. "So... We don't need this-"

_L's favorite DVD_

"Or this-"

_L's favorite cookie recipe_

"Or this-"

_L's secret stash of chocolate coins _

"Or this-"

_L's lucky pair of mittens_

"Oh, we most definitely don't need this-"

_L's collection of gag balls_

"Or-wait." Raito blinked as he stared at the glossy cover of the magazine before turning to L with a rather sour look on his face. Holding up the cover so that L could see, the older of the two felt the grin split across his lips before it even formed. "What the hell, L?"

"… … … Who doesn't love them some 'Sexy Raito-Sama all the Time!'?" L smirked, glad to finally have some of his lover's attention on him after two days of constant silence. "Mikami at least knew how to get one thing right, and that is just what angle is most delectable when it comes to your as-"

"DAMN IT, YOU DON'T NEED A DAMN MAGAZINE! YOU ALREADY HAVE ME ALL THE TIME!" Raito slammed the magazine on the floor before standing up, looking ready to beat the living hell out of his instigating boyfriend.

"Not from what that magazine says, I don't."

_**CRASH!**_

L felt the top of his head as the lump seemed to pulse angrily in pain, a simple testament of just how crazy his lover could get in his little fits of temper-tude.

Well…

At least it was a step in the right direction, right?

* * *

_Day Four: Temper Tantrums and Self-Isolation, Anyone?_

* * *

No.

No, it wasn't.

"Raito, please, I am simply asking whether or not you remembered to buy the-"

"OF COURSE! IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT WHAT **RAITO **DID OR DIDN'T DO RIGHT?! RIGHT?! YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ANYTHING I HAVE TO SAY, AND ALL YOU WANT TO DO IS HAVE SEX ALL THE TIME AND DO WEIRD THINGS TO MY BODY AND IGNORE **MY NEEDS**! DAMN YOUR SODA, DAMN YOUR SEXUAL APPETITE, AND DAMN YOU MOST OF ALL, RYUUZAKI!" Raito shouted before his eyes began tearing up, face crumbling as they both stood within the hallway leading intotheir apartment before he flounced inside, leaving L alone with a dozen of glaring tenants looking as if he were the worst man alive.

One small child actually looked as if they wanted to beat the living pulp out of him.

"Uh…"

* * *

"Is there anymore cake left from yesterday, Raito-kun?"

"NO, THERE ISN'T ANYMORE CAKE LEFT, YOU JACK-ASS! WHY IS IT THAT YOU SEEM TO LOVE SWEETS MORE THAN YOU LOVE ME?!

L blinked as Raito ran past him and dropped himself onto the couch crying his eyes out.

"Uh…"

* * *

"Does Raito-kun know where the remote control is?"

"WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO WATCH WHAT **YOU** WANT TO WATCH?! I KNOW WHEN I'M NOT WANTED, DAMN IT!"

L felt the piece of brownie he'd been chewing drop out of his mouth as Raito sobbed his way up the stairs and into their bathroom, the remote-control still nestled between the cushions of the couch.

"Uh…"

* * *

"Is Raito-kun alright in there?"

The dark-haired nervous wreck that was L leaned against the bathroom door as he heard Raito crying, wishing that he could do something to stop the barrage of tears… if only for his sanity.

Which didn't seem to be willing to walk out these two weeks with him, damn it.

"I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!"

"… … Is Raito-kun sure?"

L almost fell over as the door was ripped open, a tear-stained Raito glaring at him with red-rimmed eyes and inflamed cheeks.

It would have been cute if L hadn't been scared for his life.

"ARE YOU DEAF?! I SAID I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT! I JUST NEED SOME **SPACE **YOU… YOU UNGRATEFUL ASS!"

Rushing past a once again shocked L, Raito threw himself into their room at the end of the large hallway and locked the door, leaving L without a bed for the night.

Though with the way Raito was acting, he was quite alright with that.

"Uh… Huh…" L scratched his head before heading down the stairs. "I think I need a drink."

* * *

_Day Five: Violent Outbursts… 'Nough said._

* * *

"Raito?"

L cautiously peeked into their now open bedroom, the morning's beams of light pouring in from their beautifully decorated windows to create an ambient setting that the 31-year-old artist hadn't seen in nearly a week.

"Raito?" The ebony-eyed man tried once again as he actually entered the room, wondering if his lover had perhaps snapped and just jumped out of one of the windows without him noticing last night whilst he was watching TV on the couch. "Raito, are you-"

"GRAAAAAAAGGGGGHHHH!"

_RACKET-SWIPE!_

"AH!"

_RACKET-SWIPE!_

"RAITO-KUN, MAY I ASK AS TO WHY YOU ARE ATTACKING ME WITH A DAMN TENNIS RACKET WRAPPED IN BARB-WIRE?!"

_DOUBLE-RACKET-SWIPE!_

"GET OUT OF THE ROOM AND STAY OUT, YOU HORRIBLE EXCUSE FOR A BOYFRIEND! I JUST WANT TO BE ALLOOOOOOOOONNNEEE!"

Not waiting for a reason as to _why_ he should leave his own room when the door had been wide open in invitation, L simply did what any sane man would do and got the hell out of there.

_**SLAM!**_

"AND STAY OUT!"

L felt himself sigh as he thought of the brandy bottle waiting downstairs for him.

"Damn it, Raito-kun…"

* * *

_Day Six: NO SEX FOR YOU!_

* * *

"Raito…"

"NO!"

L clutched onto his pillow as Raito rolled over and turned off the light, the darkness nearly suffocating as the tension within the large bedroom rose with it.

'Woe.'

* * *

_Day Seven: WHY GOD, WHY?! WHHHHYYYYYY! … … Ohh, cake. _

* * *

"Oh my God… that's… so… sad… that's… real… _love…_"

"_Our love is like the wind…_"

L held in a sigh as Raito clutched onto his shoulder, sobbing his poor little heart out.

How did he get into this predicament, you ask?

"_I can't see it, but I can feel it._"

At this point, L didn't even know himself.

"Oh my god, why does true love have to be so painful to watch?! WHY DO THE GOOD HAVE TO DIE SO YOUNG?! WHAT IS THE MEANING OF LIFE?! WHY CAN'T WE ALL JUST _GET_ _ALONG_?!"

L held in a shudder as Raito blew his nose on his shirt, wondering just _how_he was going to get from Raito's near-strangling embrace to his cake sitting right on the living room table. L sweat dropped as Raito began to jump around in his seat, legs and arms flapped around in the air in a fit of excitement.

"WHYYYYYY?!"

L watched as his cake met the floor with one good swipe of Raito's flailing limbs.

'Why indeed.'

* * *

_Day Eight: Zombie-Mode AHOY!_

* * *

Bang.

_**Bang.**_

_**Bang.**_

_**Bang.**_

L sighed as he quietly slammed his head against the refrigerator, wondering just how long he would have before Raito's crazy infected his stratosphere.

Halting in his head-bashing, L blinked away his blurred vision in an attempt to steady his steps as he swayed into the living room. Knowing that he was probably walking into another Raito-Death-Trap in the making, L gave a quick prayer to whatever god there was and limped into the other room.

The silence.

L kind of welcomed the silence at this point.

"Raito-kun?"

Annnnnd, there went L's mouth opening before he could actually think.

Joy.

When no blurs of beige and sepia came spiraling out of nowhere, L fully entered the large room, scratching his head as Raito's form was found sprawled out on the couch, eyes trained above him as they burned holes into the ceiling.

That poor, poor ceiling.

"Raito?" L tried again, now more worried than anything at the other's completely still figure. "Raito are you alright?"

Looking as if he were sleeping with his eyes open (which even to L was impressive), Raito barely twitched as the older of the two flicked the end of his nose.

"Raito?"

Shrugging off the other's quiet demeanor and slightly drunk-esque visage, L jumped on the other side of the couch and grabbed the remote, glad for at least one day of relaxation. Picking his legs up, L lay his bare (and quite gross looking, if truth be told) feet on Raito's stomach, yawning as he closed his eyes and listened to the theme song of Spongebob Squarepants.

"_Who lives in a Pineapple under the sea?!_"

"Oh, Spongebob… how I've missed you so."

"_SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!_"

"Oh, yes indeed…"

* * *

_Day Nine: Why Are There Stick-Figures Everywhere?!_

* * *

"And this one goes here, and this one most definitely goes here…"

L didn't want to look.

Damn it, he _really_ didn't want to look.

But…

When there were random pictures of little cute families in different varieties of drawing styles posted up all over the walls, it was pretty hard _not_ to see, even with his eyes closed. They were being implanted in his _brain_ for the love of all that's sexy!

Yet, it was the multiple drawings of stick figures that took the cake, damn it.

Three little stick figures, all with defining hair-cuts, so that L would know just _exactly_ who was who. Two larger figures, one with a cute little coiffed hair-style, sat holding the smallest stick figure in a sort of hug as the other stick figure with completely wild hair hugged the two other kids.

It made something within the pit of the obsidian-eyed artist's stomach tingle pleasantly as he stroked the smooth piece of paper with thin pale hand…

Raito had infected his brain, damn it.

Pretty soon… he'd be just as psychotic as his lover was.

"Raito-kun, should I just leave now?"

Raito ignored him as he continued to draw his pictures, completely lost in his own little world.

L totally took that as a yes.

* * *

_Day Ten: Don't Try This At Home, Peeps. _

* * *

"Oh my God, Raito what the FU-"

L had little to no time to react as whiz of full-on crazy-Raito crashed into him and speared him down the stairs, for two seconds actually flying mid-air…

_**CRASH!**_

Before hitting the hardwood floor with a rather sickening crack, L wondered for a second if Karma was somehow biting him in the ass for all those years of solitude and inappropriate fantasies including cake, frosting and tiny baby donkeys named Billy.

And then L blacked out, pretty sure he was going to beat the crap out of Raito tomorrow when he woke the hell up.

* * *

_Day Eleven: GOING OUT OF MY __**MIND**_!

* * *

"Rai-tooooo…"

"NO!"

L dropped his head back on the pillow as he lay alone and forgotten on his side of the bed. Giving Raito a glare, he had to ask.

"Then when-"

"When you can admit your wrong, not the only person in this universe with needs and are just plain annoying to live with on _so _many levels," Raito muttered as he moved to turn off the light, rubbing one of his eyes with the back of his other hand. "Then I'll have sex with you again. Otherwise, good luck with that."

L almost threw his pillow at his cute little sex pot as the brunette smirked laughingly over his shoulder before the lights went out and they were once again drenched in darkness.

Double damn.

_**

* * *

**_

_Day Twelve: Losing It, Losing It, Losing It!_

* * *

He was still glaring at him.

REALLY, really glaring at him.

This passed Raito's normal death glares and just went on a whole new level of glare-age altogether.

And if that weren't enough to throw the usually bored artist off kilter, Raito was washing the damn dishes while doing so.

Well, people could say a lot of things about the neurotic 24-year-old, but no one could insult his awesome multi-tasking skills, that was for sure.

'It probably won't be an all day thing… Nobody can stay _that_ angry for more than a short while at a time, right?'

* * *

L looked up from his book, eyes hurting from the hour and a half of constant reading.

Raito's eye twitched as the glare didn't lessen in the least, mopping the floor rather viciously as he did so.

Wrong-o, then.

* * *

Licking the frosting off of his cupcake, the pasty-skinned artist blinked as Raito polished the table angrily.

Really, if Raito wasn't so damn scary looking when he was angry, he'd be kind of cute.

In a completely psychotic, I-Really-Want-To-Kill-You Kind of way, of course.

The glare didn't slip off his face as Raito moved from polishing the table to polishing the kitchen counter.

He really had to tell him how did that, later…

* * *

Stepping out of the bathroom, L patted his hands against the rough denim of his jeans as he glanced over at the man sweeping the floor…

And_ still_ glaring at him.

L sighed, wondering if he would _ever _catch a break.

* * *

Wrong once again.

It seemed L's streak for being wrong this week was running up into the triple digits.

It also seemed that L did not know just how deep Raito could hold a grudge.

And that's when L realized…

_He was being schooled_.

Raito amped up his level of death-age in his death glare to unknown levels as he folded the laundry, not faltering for even a moment.

_And he was being schooled __**bad**_.

Oh, the horror.

* * *

_Day Thirteen: Whatever Happened To The Good Ol' Days?!_

* * *

"I'm not going to have this conversation with you again." Raito stared at the wall in front of him, eyes narrowed in justifiable anger. "It leads to nowhere, and I just become unnecessarily mad whenever you say anything about this, so pick something else to talk about, Lawliet."

"Raito-kun speaks of my immaturity, and yet he does not wish to listen to me at all."

"In this case, there is no compromise. No agreements. No concessions. I want this. I'm going to have it. End. Of. Story."

"What the hell happened, Raito?" L muttered as he sat on the far-end of the bed, head within his hands. "We used to have fun…"

"You used to have fun. You used to be the one taking it all in stride. Damn it, you used to be the one that chased after me and wanted to make something of nothing. I gave, L. You took. And I didn't say a thing, because I was happy with that. But not anymore." The other man within the room interrupted, sitting on the other side of the bed. "Don't you realize just how much you've actually gotten out of this relationship?"

"If this relationship has been so horrible, why is Raito still a part of it then?! I just do not understand what Raito has to complain about!" The dark-haired painter threw his head back as he slouched back against the soft mattress beneath him, tired of the arguing, the glares, the craziness, the mood-swings, the random bursts of violence…

Just _all _of it.

"You're still not listening. You're still just… wasting my time." Raito whispered as he got up and left L to his own devices. "If I have to explain… maybe this really isn't worth it at all."

As L watched his usual bundle of neurotic sunshine walk out the door, the air of defeat around him clouding his lungs with a heavy smog of disappointment. Running a hand down his face, the dark-haired artist closed his eyes as he smiled sadly to himself.

'Of course, Raito…'

* * *

_Day Fourteen: God Damn it, Raito FINALLY Pwns All. _

* * *

"So… about last night."

Raito said nothing as he placed the last dish on the rack, glancing over his shoulder as L shuffled about the kitchen entrance, clearly looking even more drained than usual.

"I… suppose… it wouldn't be _too _bad to have them here."

"You're not just saying that because of what I said, are you?" The brunette sighed as he turned back around.

"If that were the case, Raito knows I would not have said anything at all." L hobbled closer to the still slighted cinnamon-eyed man, hoping for more than just another argument. "As long as we set up rules for them to follow, then I… nolongeropposetheirstayhere."

"I'm going to ask one more time, because once you answer, you _can't_ take this back, L." Tanned hands clung around the edges of the kitchen sink, turning a translucent pale color against the golden tan pigment of the man's skin. "Are you sure?"

L sighed before shambling around the large kitchen table and staring at Raito's feet.

"… … … Yes. I… am sure."

The grin on Raito's face was all L saw before a bundle of supple skin, soft cloth and glossy hair jumped on top of the sloppy artist, toppling him on the ground in a fit of joy.

"I told you I'd make you rue the day." Raito chuckled as L tightened his grip, the dark circles under his eyes all the more prominent as the exhaustion from the last two weeks was clearly evident on his face. "I guess that means my crazy over powers your crazy any day of the week, huh?"

"Oh Raito… I used to wonder why strange people were so magnetized to your presence." L ruffled the man's perfect hair as he muffled his grin behind the other's shoulder. "Now I just realize that it's only because you were the craziest of us all."

"HEY!"

"I only speak the truth, Raito-kun! Don't you think I've been tortured enough without feeling the need to add to amount of traumatizing ordeal?!"

Raito sighed (knowing quite well that he had indeed been _extraordinarily_ harsh with the stupid pervert, yet still not caring in the least) before hiding his own grin against the crook of L's neck.

He had missed this much more than he would have liked to admit.

"… … … … … So does this mean we can do the sex now?"

_Raito-Super-Face-Palm._

Or maybe not.

* * *

Oh, L. It figures that after two weeks of Crazy!Raito, the first thing you would want to do is the nasty.

You silly pervert, you. Lol.

Quote from movie in this chapter is taken from "A Walk to Remember", which is the only thing, other than the Spongebob theme song of course, that I can't take credit for. ^.^ There are other references (there always are!) but those are there for the pro's to figure out. Try that on for size, Captain Planet. Lol. Though, just for yuks, this chappie does make me wonder how both L and Raito ended up watching such a sappy movie... hm...

This was fun to write. Lol. Usually the fun one's are the really funny one's, and I think (personally, anyway) I've become very attached to this chapter. Yay for Crazy!Raito! I think he deserves a good break down after all the crap I made him put up with in DH. Now L has to deal with all the unending fail-age from here on in! XD Uh... hope you guys enjoyed the chapter. I have to go work on the other million and seven stories I have going on right now. Ah hah... -.-; Thanks for reading!


	12. Taking One for the Team

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Twelve: _Taking One for the Team_

* * *

"Hmm…"

"C'mon…" Raito pouted, not sure if he could take the excitement anymore. Grabbing L's arm, the young artist began to bounce on the balls of his feet, bright pink sparkles shooting behind him as L felt himself grimace in distaste. "Stop being such a stick in the mud! Look at this stuff! Be excited! Be merry! We're going to finally be daddies to onslaught of children who may or may not drive us to the brink of insanity!"

A few people turned and stared pointedly at the slouched, unkempt-looking man and the gorgeous picture of perfection standing right next to him, the looks on their own faces all seeming to say the same thing-

'_WTF?'_

L felt himself sweat-drop as the grin on Raito's face became all the wider, obviously ignoring the other people around him as he squeezed his arm excitedly.

"Can you believe it?" The grinning brunette halted his boyfriend in front of another children's boutique, staring through the glass window as the displays beckoned him to move inside…

And to, what L guessed, was his immediate demise.

Damn it.

"Kids are so _tiny_…" Raito marveled, as if he had never realized this before staring through the random window of this particular shop and staring at all the small clothing and items of furniture. "My god… there's so many things we have to get started on. Starting with the apartment."

"… … _What?_"

"We're going to have _remodel _the whole damn apartment, L." Raito stated matter-of-factly, not looking the least perturbed by the statement.

"Say _double_ what, now?" L blinked, already counting down his lost Raito-smexing-up time in the back of his head.

"Well, we have enough rooms for the three of them, but that doesn't mean our apartment is exactly_ kid-friendly_. And we have to buy new furniture, along with clothes, and toys, and go through a new list of what to buy food-wise… they are growing kids, L. They can't just live off sugar and dry health food like we do. A balance diet filled with nutrients and actual taste…" Raito began ticking off in one hand as the other moved off L's shoulder and lay within the skinny man's light grasp, not noticing the tightening grip the other man's hand was gaining on his own. "We're gonna have to re-vamp our schedules, since they're going to need schooling, and just doing things whenever we want is going to be out of the question… And look for what kinds of schools we want them in, prepare doctor's appointments along with dentist appointments… and… uh…"

"Raito. Just spit it out." L just about growled out, already feeling the migraine in the back of his head spiral out of proportions.

"Well… I was _thinking…_" The smile on Raito's face was so unnervingly fabricated, that L felt himself die a little on the inside.

"Which is always the product of _so _many bad ideas…"

"L! What the hell?!"

"Raito, it cannot be denied… You may be a prodigal genius, but you suck at ideas of any kind." L mumbled, knowing that getting any louder would cause a commotion of _grand _proportions. "I may not be the most stable of boyfriends, but you take the cake when it comes to your hair-brained plots!"

"I so do not _plot_! Plotting is for schemers, and I'm no schemer!"

"… _Right_."

"Are you intentionally trying to be an ass today?!"

"Ah, as Raito-kun has commented upon in the past, for people such as myself, it comes naturally." Taking a moment to grin over at the fuming brunette, L put his thumb to his mouth as he imitated one of his classic 'pondering' faces. "Hm. I think I'm meeting my 'pun' quota rather nicely today, don't you, Raito-kun?"

Raito sighed as he ran a hand through his golden-bronze locks of hair.

"… … … Pervert."

"Yet Raito _loves_ it, because he himself is such a dirty little lovah-boi."

"Along with route-canals and eating pigeon shit, your perversion is right next on the list on the things I supposedly _love_."

"_Won-derful_… At least we're all set for the next episode of "Fear Factor". And since we know that Raitojust _loves_ eating penis of any kind, we should be in the clear!"

"What the hell, L?! Just for that, let's _see_ if you're going to be _seeing_ any penis for the next couple of weeks, Einstein!"

"Well, I think I can survive off the sight of Raito's ass, then-"

"L, don't make me chop your testicles off and hang them up over our fireplace!"

"… … We don't _have _a fireplace, Raito."

The gorgeous artist gave his lover a dark look, making L blink back another snarky comment.

"_Exactly._"

"_Boom Shakalaka! He's on fire!"_

Dark eyes glared at the random person cheering as they meeped, ducking under their friend's arm as they quickly walked away from the mismatched couple.

L was pretty sure that Raito won that round.

"Raito would not be able to hold out for very long, that I assure you. I am, ultimately, a candy-flavored sex-machine."

But he would make sure to win the war.

"Well, it's a good thing I hate sweets, then."

"Not _these _kind of sweets, baby." Raito smacked his face as L pointed downwards at his crotch, waggling his eyebrows comically. "And they'll always be _just for you_."

"If there was a 'biggest douche in the world' award, I have no doubt in my mind that you would win it with no trouble whatsoever."

"Raito-kun wounds me." L pouted, his large obsidian orbs watering slightly on cue as the pink sparkles once again danced around his lover's face.

And Raito said he couldn't pull the 'cute' look off.

_Outrageous. _

Pulling himself together, Raito decided to go for another tactic as he grabbed the older artist's arm and pulled him towards the open door a little bit away from them.

"L… you know that I love you, right?" Raito whispered as they entered the cute shop, the low purr within his tenor voice actually managing to make the older man blush slightly. "And that you've made me _so_ happy that you're actually putting your own ego aside and doing this for me?"

'Oh… crap… can't… stay mad… when he's giving me his… 'I'm so Screw-able and I Know It!' face…'

"… … Yes, Raito-kun. I do indeed realize just how… appreciative… you…" Raito smirked as L stumbled in his words, practically eye-fucking the artist for all that he was worth. "And… Damn… What was I saying, again?"

"That you're completely in awe of my hotness and that everything I say takes precedence to whatever it is you think?"

"… … I am aroused, Raito, not retarded."

"That's offensive towards handicapped people, _L_."

"And I care _why_, exactly?"

"Because you care about _everything _I say and live by my unerring dictating law?"

"… Would Raito-kun like me to repeat my handicapped remark again and thus, pissing off potentially everyone within hearing range?"

"Why don't you just tell me what's on your mind and be done with it."

"No, I-"

"_Do it now, or they will be no sex for a-_"

"You see, Raito-kun," L cut the man off before he could finish with his threat, quite sure that any time limit would an hour, a minute, a _second_ too many. "These… these _children…_ I just don't think we are ready for their… _specialness _and just what their personalities have to… _offer_."

"What do you mean by _that_, Lawliet?"

'_**Danger! Danger, L Lawliet! DANGER!' **_

An image of a large bulky robot waving their arms in the air popped up in his head as L sweat drop, already attempting to pacify the easily angered male beside him before he decided to explode again.

Or withhold sex.

Either was an ugly scenario for poor, poor L.

"Raito…"

"Is this… just another weird ploy, L? Do you really _not _want to start a family with me that badly?" Raito's eyes magically began to glisten on command (_L knew it was too perfectly timed, other wise!_) as he pulled away from his slouched lover, grabbing the edges of his jacket to pull them closer to his person. "Is this really just a joke to you?"

"Raito, you know that is not true." The brunette's eyes magically dried in an instant as he immediately perked up at the words spoken, the fluffy atmosphere now shrouding over him once again, much to L's immense displeasure. "If there is anyone in the in the world with whom I would, god forbid, create little mini-L's with, it would be you. Unfortunately (or fortunately, I haven't actually decided yet), neither of us has the cooperating equipment to do so, so we must make do with what we have… which actually does not make me feel much better about the prospects presented to us in this situation."

"Aw… L… that's the closest thing to a positive remark that I've heard you say about us starting a family so far. Good for you!" Fully entering the store with L at hand, Raito sighed as the multitude of children's furniture and collections of sheets and toys stood ripe for the picking.

"I'm so *excited*!" The younger man flounced as L stared at his lover with the same 'WTF?' face the people outside had been using on _him_.

"Oh dear, Raito-kun's homosexuality is showing." L muttered as Raito began skipping (_Skipping?! Really?! FTW?!_) through the narrow aisles, wondering if Raito's sexy ass was worth all this trouble.

"Well, isn't that _fab-u-lous_."

"I do believe that added lisp was not necessary, Raito. Everyone can sense your flaming-ness from about a mile away from here."

"Really? And here I thought I sounded _**oh-so-special**_, my dearest, most wonder _love_. Look! Bassinets!"

"That's it, Raito. You win. Revenge is yours."

"Of course it is. Don't mess with this sexy, my friend. Its awesomeness will kill your brain cells and destroy whatever dignity you thought you had left before we started dating."

"Raito-kun, I don't know if you remember or not, but I did not _have_ any dignity before our relationship. Or shame. Would Raito-kun like a memory refresher?"

"L Lawliet, _enough._"

"I will stop… if Raito-kun agrees to appease me later on tonight."

"L-"

"The Sex-Machine has spoken." L once again pointed downwards as an expecting mother-to-be walked passed, giving Raito a 'You Poor Flamboyant Homosexual, You' glance. "All hail this huge co-"

"You know, with all these sexual innuendos, outright perversion and dirty puns, you would think we'd given you a porn name by now."

"… … Who says I don't already _have_ a porn name?"

"…"

"…"

"Do I even want to _know_?"

"I don't know, Raito-kun. _Do you_?"

"Sometimes, just sometimes, I think I may be a glutton for punishment. And then, you continue to speak, and quite frankly… I think that my masochism goes beyond even _my_ own boundaries of understanding."

"Did Raito-kun just insult both me and himself in the same sentence, and manage to _not_ have his head implode by insinuating he is not as perfect as he pretends to be?"

"… … I hate you so much."

"Don't be an ass-hat, Raito-kun." L dryly stated, not noticing Raito as he rolled his eyes in exasperation. "Nobody likes one of those."

"OH MY GOD, L, Look!" Raito suddenly cried out, making the dark-haired artist next to him hold onto his ears in shock. "_**BUNKBEDS**_!"

L sweat-dropped as his lover skipped over to the beds, feeling the stares of every customer and clerk within the medium-sized establishment.

"Do you have any ideas how many activities they would be able to complete if they had bunk beds?!"

"… … Or they could have their own rooms. We do have enough space, Raito."

"Stop being such a killjoy, L." Raito clapped his hands together as the pink sparkles that had been dancing around him just minutes before returned once more…

With a _vengeance_.

"We should get Mail and Mihael bunk beds! And Nate… oh my god, look at all these tiny beds!" Ignoring the snarl on L's face, Raito flounced over to all the furniture and began inspecting each piece with a studious eye. "They're so… they're so… L, I THINK I MIGHT JUST SQUEAL IN FAN-GIRLY JOY!"

"… … _Great_."

"What was that?"

"Nothing. I said _nothing_"

"_I __**thought **__so_."

"Now, what is it exactly that Raito wishes to buy?" L eyed the man with suspicion as Raito scuffed his foot against the ceramic tiled floor, bashfully blushing with just the tiniest bit of shame glowing within his hazel-brown orbs.

"Well…"

* * *

_**Thirty Minutes Later…**_

* * *

"Raito, we are NOT purchasing anymore teddy bears!"

"But… but… they're _cute! _And Nate _loves_ teddy bears…"

"Raito! You've already picked out fifteen of the same kind in different colors! I think he will be fine!"

"But what about-"

"No, no more video games or gaming systems, or whatever other electronical device you haven't ALREADY brought without me looking."

"… … … What about-"

"Raito, are you _trying_ to get Mihael into a life of future crime with the amount of toy guns you have purchased thus far?"

"I just want them to be comfortable! And happy! I mean, really…"

"And spoiled."

"You're one to talk."

"That should be a warning, then."

"Ahem… sirs?"

Dumping the rest of the items onto the counter, Raito gave the blushing teenage boy a small grin as he planted himself right next to L once again, not noticing the off-putting stare the cashier began to give him as he grabbed L's hand and held it between them.

"See? That wasn't so painful, was it?" Raito blinked as L felt his eye twitch, the cashier still giving them not-so-subtle glances of disgust. "What? What is it?"

"Nothing." L muttered, narrowing his eyes just the slightest of bits. Leaning forward, the airy artist almost smirked as the adolescent boy audibly gulped at the growing proximity between both himself and the creepy-eyed gremlin-lookalike. "_Nothing at __**all**_."

"Um…" Raito almost said something as the cashier began to ring their items at a newfound speed, sweat pouring down from their temples in buckets. "_Ryuuzaki_…"

In a blink of an eye, there items were rung up, bagged and placed precisely on the counter. "Any-Anything _else_, sirs?"

"No thanks…" Raito muttered as he took out his credit card, giving his lover a small glare before swiping it on the tiny terminal in front of him.

"Justneedyoutosignhere,otherthanthat,you'reallset,thanksforshoppingatourstore,HAVEANICEDAY!"

Giving the boy a strange glance as he gasped out loud, Raito grabbed their bags and shared the load with L, turning back as the teen began to breathe roughly through his nose and mouth. A moment later, the boy made the stupidest mistake he could have made with both Raito and L, two of the most unstable men to ever enter their shop (_literally_), still standing within his vicinity.

"_Stupid bunch of scary-looking fruits…_"

Fortunately for moronic cashier, L did not hear this comment escape his lips.

_Un_-fortunately for him, however, Raito, of course, _did_.

"Ex-_cuse_ me?"

And oh, was it not pretty.

"What did you just say?"

"Uh… I-I'm… I didn't mean… to…"

"You didn't mean to, _what_?" Raito dropped the bags he was holding and took two steps forward, not looking back once as L glanced between the two in a confused manner. "To act homophobic? Or to act like a _complete_ dumbass and make screwed up homophobic _comments_ while we're _still_ within hearing range? I'd _really_ like to know."

"Um…" The cashier looked as if he were about to shit his pants as L stood behind Raito, adding to the already tense atmosphere. "Which… which answer will _not_ get me my ass kicked…?"

"IT WAS A RHETORICAL QUESTION, YOU IDIOT!"

"PLEASE DON'T HURT ME! I'VE ONLY JUST BEGUN TO LIVE LIFE!" The cashier whimpered as he ducked down and covered his head, causing Raito to sweat drop as L smirked in amusement. Grabbing the boy by the lapel of his shirt, Raito shoved him forward so that they were eye to eye, face the epitome of all-pissed-off-ness.

"Listen to me, Scotty, if I ever-_ever_, see you on the street someday, I will whip your jabroni-ass so hard, that I will literally _turn you _so _gay_, you will be fucking the next guy who says 'hello' to you and wondering just what the hell is going _on_. Do you understand?"

The cashier nodded emphatically as he whimpered in fear.

"Live in fear, my friend. I don't go easy on my threats!" Raito shouted at the scared cashier as he dropped him back onto the ground, watching them skitter away from him as he waved his fist into the air. "Welcome to the jungle, Axel!"

"… _We've got fun and games_…" L sang underneath his breath, not able to resist temptation. A young child behind him wearing a paper hat and juggling three different kinds of balls within his hands jumped up into the air before glomping the unassuming artist from behind.

"_**FUN?! GAMES?! **__FUN __**AND **__GAMES?! _I LOVE FUN AND GAMES! BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BIN-!"

Hauling himself up from the strange child's grip, L stared down at the mass of limbs, balls and paper as the little boy wiggled on the ground.

"BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BINGO-BING-"

"I believe there may be something wrong with that child, Raito-kun." L quietly commented as the… _thing's _mother picked him up by his ear and gave the two a strained smile before shoving him out of the shop's entrance. Hearing the complaints of the sales clerk that had been harassing them (_right_) earlier, both men picked up the array of bags surrounding them and shuffled away from the counter.

"_I'M TELLING YOU, THE BROWN-HAIRED GUY THAT LOOKED LIKE HE WAS WEARING MASCARRA ALMOST TORE MY HEAD OFF AND HIS WEIRD-ASS BOY-TOY GAVE ME THE HOMICIDAL LOOK OF DEATH, BOSS!_"

Raito and L held back their comments as they quietly exited the store, heads held down as they stayed closed to each other.

"Raito, let's never do that to ourselves ever again."

And Raito said the one word that L never thought would ever escape his lips.

"_Agreed_."

Oh, the sweet, sweet sound of victory.

* * *

"Hello, boys!"

Quillsh Whammy laughed as the overly-excited brunette and the near-depressed raven-haired artist entered his office, the former carrying a small stack of papers within his arms.

"Whammy-san! It's so good to see you!" Raito gushed, a pretty flush settling over his golden cheeks as he sat down on one of the plush chairs and flicked his bangs out of his eyes. "All the paperwork is good and ready to go. The copies are freshly printed out, and last but not least… our picks our neatly legible on the first page and ready to be filed."

"Picks…?"

"Yes," Raito leaned forward as L finally sat himself down beside him, sighing exhaustive exasperation. "_Picks_."

Grabbing the stack of documents and pulling them towards him, Quillsh gingerly plucked the first piece of paper out of the pile and pushed his glasses back onto the bridge of his nose and glanced down-

Almost to drop the piece of paper back onto the desk.

Wide blue eyes looked up over at Raito's still-grinning visage and the printed paper, and did a couple of double takes.

"Yagami-san… L…" Quillsh coughed a bit to clear his throat, eyes watering slightly as the shock finally sunk in. "Are you… are you _sure_ about your decisions?"

"Yes. Right, L?" Raito and Quillsh both turned to the still-sulking 31-year-old, causing him to blink.

"… … ..." L sighed before hanging his head in defeat as that unshaken smile on his boyfriend's face began to waver in the slightest of bits… "… … Yes. Of course. Right-o. I am one hundred percent sure… that we are good to go."

"Uh, I think I-"

"The rocket is ready to launch, and we are rearing for blast off! We have no ovens to bake a bun in, but if we did, these three would be our miracle pies. This is… most definitely… what we… as a couple… _want_."

Quillsh blinked before giving Raito a small glance.

"Is he high?"

"… I wish." Raito admitted, wanting to do nothing more but smack the hunched over artist in the face and be done with it. "That's just what he does when he gets nervous."

"You know, when he was younger, he used to do something similar. Except he would actually mutter all of his ramblings under his breath, so that all of the other counselors actually thought he was schizophrenic." Quillsh laughed as Raito inadvertently smiled, not noticing the overwrought look on L's face as the older man continued to speak. "I remember when he was done, he would actually come to me, of all people, and ask me to make him pie. Every. Single. Time. Honestly, I just stocked our kitchens full of pies at the end of every week, just so I'd be ready for every time he asked!"

"Whammy-san made excellent pie, is all…" L muttered as Raito laughed in glee, the reminiscent look in Quillsh's eyes bringing him deeper within the story.

"Oh, but other than those strange moments, was he the quietest child I had ever seen. Besides Nate that is. In fact," Quillsh leaned forward and took a good look at L before shaking his head. "If I didn't know any better, I'd say the two of you were related in some way, L."

"I don't think so." L deadpanned, not noticing as Raito began to chuckle under his breath. "I certainly don't _hope_ so…"

"Oh, but could I tell you stories about our dear L Lawliet…" Quillsh nostalgically commented, the bright shade of glee softening the brunette's visage as he leaned back into the chair.

"That would be nice." Raito whispered, lowering his gaze down to the floor in internal debate. "_Really _nice, actually_…_"

"Perhaps on another day." Though L did not care to glance at the forlorn look on his lover's face, Quillsh did, in fact, catch it. "For now, let us have you sign the rest of these papers and settle on a court date. We've finished with the background checks, and thankfully, nothing dire came up, so we should be in clear in regards to that. Because the two of you aren't married, we'll have to place the children solely under one name... I'm guessing that'll be Yagami-san?"

Both men nodded simultaneously, not breaking eye contact with Quillsh for even a second.

"Well, then all we have to do after all that is make this legally binding, and you'll be all set."

"Can we talk to the kids today?!" Raito nearly jumped up in his seat and gave the social worker a blinding grin as he clapped his hands together. "I mean, I know they want this as much as I do, but I really want to relay the news to them as soon as possible!"

"Of course, Yagami-san. I _insist _that you do so now, as a matter of fact. Now, off you go!" Quillsh patted the stack of papers before standing up and ushering the men out of his office in an instant. "Make sure you explain to them just what this is going to mean to the three of them… and Yagami-san?"

Raito turned back after beckoning L to go on ahead of him, a small smile still hanging off of his lips.

"Please… do give me a call later on this week. We have… much to discuss, yes?"

Giving the bespectacled man a confused glance as he blinked, the 24-year-old artist simply nodded and quickly shuffled his feet forward. Quillsh simply smiled as he closed his door, already knowing just what it was he wanted to say.

* * *

"See, I knew you were cute as a kid!" Raito teased as they followed the receptionist down the elongated hall at a much slower pace.

"I was a _horrible_ child, Raito. In fact, the number of orphanages I was passed along to should be proof of that fact." L grabbed Raito's arm and slung it over his shoulder, needing all the comfort he could for what he was about to (_semi-willingly_) put himself through. "People couldn't _wait_ to get rid of me, back when I was a child, just because they couldn't stand me for being _different_."

"That's not what _Whammy-san_ was saying, though…"

"That is only because he was the only person resembling a kind human being within all of the orphanages I was sent through that I met myself. I may not remember him as greatly as he would like, but the things I _do _remember are nothing but kind." Pale fingers intertwined with elegant golden digits as L held onto the hand hanging off of his shoulder.

Holding back just a bit away from the recreational room, Raito took in a deep breath before turning over to face L.

"Well, all of that doesn't matter now. All that matters is… getting ready for the inevitable."

"Inevitable? Whoever said this was inevitable? More like 'horrific', if you ask me…"

"L, we're going down to Chinatown."

"China… town? But… wait, what?"

"We're taking in a bit too much, only to spit it right back out! Don't you see? The next step is about to be taken, and my Gucci-clad feet are just itching with anticipation!"

"Raito, you have officially lost your damn mind."

"Now you know how I feel _every second of the day_ when it comes to _you_." Raito snapped back, drinking in the small bit of retribution whilst savoring the sweet euphoria of satisfaction as a delicious aftertaste. "Do you want to make the big announcement, or shall I?"

"Raito, I just want to get home and make some 'special' time for some lovin', if anything." L lamented with a bored look on his face, the dark circles underneath his eyes giving him a more decayed look than usual underneath the low setting of dim lights hanging above the couple.

"_C'mon_, L, help me here."

"I shall attempt to assist Raito in making the announcement by not making sarcastic comments or putting down any of the children, but other than that…" L prodded the younger man on his side as he gave him a tiny smirk. "Raito is all on his own."

Pulling the slimmer of the two forward, Raito nodded over to the kindly receptionist as he opened the door and took in a deep breath of excitement.

"Guess it's all on me then…" Raito mumbled before taking a cursory glance around the room and raising his usually smooth tenor voice to unnatural decibels. "CHILDREN, _**ASSEMBLE**_!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Uh…"

Raito rolled his eyes before he waved his free arm into the air, the smile on his face faltering for just a moment as he attempted to ignore the weirded out looks on all of the random children's faces.

"I meant _my children_, damn it."

In a flash, a set of three heads emerged out from the rest, each face set with excitement and bubbling laughter.

"RAITO!" Mihael called out first, jumping onto the brunette in a single stride.

"RAI-CHAN!" Mail cried out next, the handheld device in his grip not loosening the slightest bit as he too jumped onto Raito's legs, right next to Mihael.

"… … Raito-daddy." Nate calmly stated as he looked up at Raito with large dark eyes, watering slightly as he clutched the furry little toy Elmo within his arms.

L almost gagged as Raito just about squee'd in joy.

Seriously.

_Squee'd in __**joy**__._

'I feel as if I am going to be sick…' The rumpled-looking man thought to himself as he pulled back from the scene in front of him.

Almost immediately after that, the rest of the children within the large room went back to their daily activities as if nothing had interrupted them at all. The three children still hanging off the brunette brimming with joy giggled simultaneously as L shuffled a bit closer to the scene, not wishing to admit to the small amount of amusement he felt looking at the scene in front of him.

"So… what now?" Mail asked, his small face for once not contorted into a devil-may-care grin. "Give it to us straight, Doc. We can take it."

Mihael nodded as he clutched at the smooth fabric of Raito's khakis, dark brown eyes pleading for an answer along with the smaller child right next to him.

"Well… we've decided… that if the three of you want…" Raito bounced for a moment, looking more like a woman by the second. "That we'd like to take all of you home with us."

Stone cold silence from three identical shocked faces blessed both Raito's and L's ears for all of three seconds…

"OH MY GOD, ARE YOU FOR SERIOUS?! WE… WE… I COULD KISS YOU _RIGHT NOW _IF IT WASN'T, LIKE, CREEPY IN ANY WAY!"

"YES! NO MORE CRAPPY MASHED POTATOES FOR DINNER OR LISTENING TO OTHER KIDS SCREAM AT NIGHT! I'M OVERJOYED WITH EMOTION! AND THE MASHED POTATOES FROM EARLIER! … … BUT MOSTLY EMOTION!"

"YAY!"

Everyone stopped as they turned to look at Nate with strange looks on their faces.

The boy blushed as he held the doll close to his face. "Ahem… I'm excited."

Raito laughed as he picked up Nate and swung him around, the red Elmo doll bleeding into the blur as Mail and Mihael bounced about, looking all the more joyful amidst befuddled and hesitant faces.

'_Talk about taking one for the team…_' L thought to himself as the children around him cheered obnoxiously, feeling a small spark of affection flutter within him unwittingly. '_But maybe… just **maybe**, this might not be such a **huge** mistake after all._'

* * *

"So… it's really him?!"

"Yes, I've told you this already, and quite frankly, I can scarcely believe that he's actually going to go through with this."

"Oh, come now, Quillsh. You know he'll do fine."

"I'm sure, Roger…"

Quillsh sighed as he perched the phone over his shoulder and opened the small coveted drawer on his left side. Glancing down at the still-open file within his drawer, his eyes narrowed in both concern and relief.

"As long as Yagami Raito stays by his side, I'm sure he will do _just fine_."

* * *

Omg, I have finally updated FoF! That... is amazing. Lol. C'mon, you guys, put down the pitchforks and torches, and let's live in harmony... right? -.-; Right. You know, when I first started DH, the one thing I was working toward was this plotline, but even in doing so, I knew it would be awhile before I could actually get to where I wanted to go. So if this chapter feels like a filler chapter, I apologize, but what must be done, must be done.

Though if you can't tell, we are moving ever so closer to our dearest couple finally attaining a family... though I'm still wondering if that's a good thing or not! I sense tension over the horizon, my kiddies... XD

Thanks for reading, you guys! (And for those of you waiting patiently for this chapter, I thank you especially! Hopefully, it didn't suck too horribly! ... ... But you guys would tell me, right? O.O;) I'm hoping that the next chapter won't take forever and a day to get like this one did! (I'm fairly excited about the next chapter, so it really shouldn't! ^.^) See ya guys later!


	13. At the End of a Crossroads

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Thirteen: _At the End of a Crossroads_

* * *

The look on L's face would have nearly undone the gorgeous brunette if the reason for it hadn't been so dire. The speechless vacant-eyed look would only last for so long, regardless, and no matter how much Raito wanted to balk in the artist's face about just how much he resembled a cavernous fish, he would much rather a normal, (_semi-normal, anyway_) adult response instead of…

Well, _this_.

"Oh, just shut your gaping mouth and get back to reality. I _honestly _don't have all day for your ridiculous temper tantrum in the making." Rolling his eyes as the book nesting within his lover's hands nearly tumbled out of his hands, Raito effeminately crossed his legs and sighed rather obnoxiously. "It's not that big of a deal, L."

"Raito… _please_." Finally coming out of his stupor, the shaggy-haired artist with a chronic case of verbal diarrhea began to plead rather pathetically (_At least, Raito thought it was pathetic. L would probably think it was kind of cute, sadly enough…_). "I will do _anything_ you can possibly think of to _not _do what you want us to do _right now_."

Now, it wasn't Raito's fault that L left the reply wide-open for attack.

"… … _Any__**-**_thing?"

Though he was quite sure that L wouldn't think so with the way he was staring at him once again.

"…"

"What?! You _said _anything!"

L nearly threw his book at Raito's face as the younger of the two continued to leer over at him, milk-chocolate brown eyes smoldering with satisfaction.

"Raito-kun loves to bring up traumatizing experiences and use me for his own pleasure." L muttered underneath his breath, slumping further within their couch, clutching onto the binding of the memoir with tight-knuckled hands.

"What? That's just ridiculous!" Raito threw down the newspaper he had been holding and glared over at his lover, ready to smack him with the loaded weapon within his hands. "I think you need to switch that around, my friend!"

"Oh… _always_."

Rolling his eyes, Raito unfolded the newspaper shook his head in exasperation. "L, we are talking to my parents about this! We're not having a damn discussion about this!"

"… … May I at least say goodbye to the manhood that will be extracted from me once your father realizes that not only must he finally reconcile with the fact that you wish to live with a _man _he _abhors_, which is bad enough for me as it is, you wish to raise demon children along with him?" The dead look on L's face as he said this nearly made Raito sweat drop.

"You're _so_ overreacting. He would not castrate you…" Though even Raito had to wonder about the truth of _that _statement as he thought of the full force of his father's temper compared to even his _own _anger problems. "I still need that equipment, after all. And besides, we already broke the news awhile ago-"

The dark-haired artist pouted as he began to nibble on his thumb, a nervous habit he had yet to get rid (much to Raito's lament).

"I'm pretty sure he thought you were lying, Raito."

"Why would he think that?"

"Raito-kun, your father hates my very existence."

"No, he hates the way you treat me, which isn't too kindly."

"Raito-kun, he hates our lifestyle."

"He's just not used to the… _unconventional._"

"Doesn't Raito-kun mean the _homosexual._"

"L! Take that back right now!"

"Can't take back the trut-"

"HI-HO, EVERYBODY!"

Raito sweat dropped as the maelstrom that was Yagami Sayu threw their apartment door open and jumped inside, waving emphatically at the two artists staring at her as if she was nuts.

"Hey there, Star-Shine." Raito flat-lined, eye twitching as Sayu practically skipped into the apartment. "Is Rainbow-Dust and Magical-Faerie here with you to rain down on our ever-joyful parade?"

"Don't we sound cranky…"Sayu giggled as she pranced onto the couch that L was situated at and patted him on the head, sticking out a lollipop from her pocket in apology. "So how is my quintessentially amusing odd-couple doing this fine, stupendous, spectacular, miraculous day?! Getting ready to meet the city with new vigor and semi-unstable emotions? Preparing for another day of work? Or screwing each other's brains out?! Take your pick! I know I have _my_ camera ready for the later…"

"Sayu, shut the hell up."

"Aw, and here I thought I made your day _just a bit __**brighter**_!"

"Oh, we always feel better when you decide to visit our quiet little abode, Sayu-chan. Raito especially loves you bunches." Smirking over at Raito as he gagged, L twirled the strawberry flavor lollipop between his lips. "Actually, it _is _rather convenient that you have come, Sayu-chan. I have a question for you that we _both _would hope you would answer truthfully."

"Really?" Sayu turned shining brown eyes towards her now panicking older brother, who looked as if he were about to choke on his own saliva.

"NO! N-O-to the NO! Not necessary _in the least_." Raito started making strange hand motions towards his irritating boyfriend, hoping to all that was good and noble that L _wouldn't_ open his openly-blunt mouth for once. "L, if you love me at all, you will shut the fuck up and forget this conversation ever took place!"

"… … … Does that mean that I would not have to do what Raito asked me to do to begin with?"

"… … … Don't be a jackass, L."

"Well, then Raito shouldn't be such a _tight-ass_."

"See, and usually you like that about me."

"… … Oh, _yeah_."

"_Pervert_."

"Well then, if that is the way Raito would like to play…" L smirked as the pressed against his lips bobbed, dark eyes twinkling with mischief. "Sayu-chan, I have a question that _I_ need you to answer, if nothing else…"

"Will it annoy the shit out of Raito if you ask me this question?"

"Yes."

"Then let the good times roll, my friend!"

"No! No good times! No good times, or rolling of any kind, whatsoever!"

"Raito-kun," L began, ignoring Raito's screaming entirely. "Seems to have this _strange_ idea that his father will actually be… accepting of the idea that he will finally be a grandfather… fathered by both his gay son and his lover. Tell me, do you think this is true?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Can I use a lifeline here?"

"Sayu!"

"'Nii-chan, I love you to death, but… your sexiness is not going to save you in this situation. You know 'tou-san is practically immune to your awesomeness at this point! And having kids with _L_, of all people…"

"I don't think he'll react _that_ badly to it all finally happening."

Two sets of patronizing stares attacked Raito all at once.

"Rai-chan, he hates L's guts with a passion."

"That's what _I_ said."

"Rai-chan, he's practically as homophobic as they _come_."

"Oh, does he hate the fact that we do all _that_."

"And last but not least… if dad can't even accept you two being _together _on an off-chance of fate somehow pulling the sloppiest, most semi-pathetic perverted artist and the most anal-retentive, stuck up, routine-oriented artist that is his _son _into its clutches and making them a couple, what makes you think he'll even _attempt_ to understand the two of you making it _officially _official by adding _kids_ into the equation?"

"Sayu-chan is making much more sense at this point than Raito-kun." L plainly pointed out, not noticing the devastated look hanging off of Raito's crushed visage. "There is something deathly wrong with this picture."

"Raito…" Sayu moved over to Raito's side of the room and held his slim hand, feeling worse by the word. "I agree with L. I just don't think this is a good idea… right _now_."

"So what am I supposed to tell them the next time they come over and they see kids in the house? That L's a raging pedophile and I'm his enabler?!"

"… Would that be the less painful violent reaction than what he would do if he thought they were ours?" Wide dark eyes didn't even twitch as Raito threw a vicious snarl in their direction.

"Possibly. He already thinks you're freaky enough as it is… you diddling little boy's private parts would just add to the, what I like to call, 'Michael Jackson' effect. In fact…" Sayu secretly giggled as Raito looked about ready to explode at the words coming out of her mouth. "I'm pretty sure it wouldn't even faze my father if you did say something like that."

"I am perfectly alright with being called a pedophile, then. Or Michael Jackson. Whatever won't get my ass handed to me, actually."

"L Lawliet, you take that back this _instant_!" Raito stood up and crossed his arms against his chest, giving him his '_Oh No You Di-in't!_' face. "First off, that's just _gross_ on _so_ many levels… the thought that I would even _dream _of giving it up to a Michael Jackson wannabe is now going to give me _nightmares_, for God's sakes. And secondly, no man-boy love shall be occurring in this house unless it includes me, you and a school uniform including a fake ID with the age 14 printed on it! Understood?!"

Sayu sat down in awe as the information was processed into her brain.

"… … Just what the _hell_ do you guys _do _in your _spare time_?"

"Each other." L answered easily enough, already daydreaming of the uses such a costume would serve.

He could already feel his subconscious giving him a high five in the process.

"Oh, drop dead _sexy_." Sayu snarked, her glazed half-opened stare creeping out Raito more than it probably should have.

Apparently, L wasn't the only one doing the eerie daydreaming.

_Score_.

"Will the both of you come back to Earth already?!" The lonely brunette still somewhat grounded in reality snapped as his boyfriend and sister began to drool disturbingly. "The world does not revolve around sex!"

"BLASPHEMY!" Sayu and L screamed out simultaneously, each standing up with a fist shooting out straight into the air.

Raito sweat-dropped in disgust.

"You two scare me in completely different ways."

"Yeah, well you'll be scared in a whole new different kind of way if you go to 'tou-san and drop the bombshell that is both you and L finally making the life-altering decision to raise your own children…" Sayu dropped back onto the couch, smirking as L slouched over to her brother and practically laid himself down on his lap. "He's not going to lii-iiike it '_nii-chan…_"

"I know that." Raito conceded, pouting as he rearranged L so that his thighs weren't full of jean-clad pervert. "But I think that it would be better to tell him now than to just wait until they're here and say 'Hey, guess what dad! You're a granddaddy!'"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Sounds like good comedy, though."

"Sayu! FOCUS, WOMAN!"

"Ok! Gawd…" Flipping her hair to the side, the young woman stifled yet another insane smile behind a perfectly manicured-hand. "I'm serious now. See? The seriousness of this serious situation has become seriously real, and I am finally… serious."

"You're a real ass, you know that?" Raito deadpanned, quite sure that his younger sister made him seem normal on unnatural levels.

"Well, you're obviously going to do what you want to do, right Raito?" Ignoring the pitiful look painted across L's face as he moved closer to Raito than should have been humanly possible, Sayu concentrated solely on her brother's face. "So anything we say isn't going to change your mind. I'm just saying… after you talk to dad, I would not be surprised to find out if L suddenly became a eunuch."

Jumping off the couch in a rare fit of excitement, Raito lazily watched from his seat as the dark-haired procrastinator pointed a finger down at him with boredom dripping off his beautifully-etched face.

"I told you so, Raito! YOUR FATHER WANTS MY MANHOOD ON A SILVER PLATTER, DAMN IT!"

"…"

"…"

"Is it sad to say that even I was disturbed by that?" Sayu muttered under her breath, quite happy that she wasn't the one who had to live with L _all the time_.

Her brother was a sexy angel sent up from Heaven, especially designed to deal with L's crazy ass.

"Yes. Yes it is. That just means that L has performed the miracle of all miracles, and that there _is _a God." Raito stated, almost as plainly as a fact.

"I didn't mean in a sexy way." The dumbfounded artist interrupted, clearly sickened by even the assumption of such a thing. "Even I'm not that kinky."

"STILL DISTURBING ON SO MANY LEVELS!" Sayu shouted out, hands coming up to her ears in a distraught fashion. "This is my dad you're talking about, L!"

"Oh, would the two of you _please_-"

"_**Wake me up before you go-go! Don't leave me hanging on like a yo-yo-**_"

"…"

"_**Wake me up before you go-go! I don't want to miss it when you hit that high-**_"

"…"

"_**Wake me up before you go-go! 'Cause I'm not plannin' on going solo-**_"

"How is it that you're not even here, and yet you still manage to drive me to the brink of madness?"

Sayu waved her arms in front of her in a strange fashion, making her brother shake his head in exasperation.

"… … _Magic_."

"Special magic?"

"Yeah, yeah!"

"_**Wake me up before you go-go! Take me dancing tonight, I wanna hit that high!**_"

"You know what, you two can bond and… do whatever it is you do when I'm not around, and I'm gonna go answer my phone… away from the both of you." Raito announced as he moved his exceptionally awesome ass off of the couch and towards the kitchen.

A couple moments of silence were punctuated by the still-vibrating and muffled sounds of music from his cell phone, as that was all the artist had as a warning as Sayu couldn't help but add in her last two cents.

"… … Seriously?"

"_**Yeah, yeah!**_"

_**CRASH!**_

"DAMN IT, SAYU!"

"But I didn't… oh, hell. That was too amusing to watch. Yeah. I'll totally take the blame for that face-slam this time. That was totally my fault... and I loved every second of it." Watching her brother primly dust himself off and walk out of the living room, Sayu proceeded to giggle her ass off, wishing that she had access to this kind of entertainment all the time.

"I think it's time for you to go, Sayu-chan." L smiled as the young girl rolled her eyes and just about cart-wheeled off of their couch, not looking the least bit offended by L's blunt nature.

"All the details later?"

"... ... Have I let Sayu-chan down yet?"

"_Awe-some._"

* * *

"Hello?"

"_SON_!"

Raito sweat-dropped as his mother practically verbally-glomped him through the phone.

"… … Hi, okaa-san."

"_Raito,ohmyGod,Ihaven'tseeninyousolongWHENAREYOUCOMINGOVERTOSEEME-SOON,YES_?!"

The tawny-skinned 24-year-old blinked as he stared at his kitchen cabinets, a pair of dark eyes looming over the kitchen doorway, followed briefly by a very recognizable shag of sable-colored locks.

"Uh… Huh?"

"_RAITO, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND SPEND SOME QUALITY DAMN TIME WITH YOUR POOR MOTHER WHO'S DYING OF WORRY AND… MORE WORRY_?!"

_Raito-Super-Face-Fault._

"… … Sometimes, I honestly don't have to wonder where Sayu gets her crazy from, mom."

"_What did you say, son_? _I honestly couldn't hear you underneath all that coughing and static._"

"Nothing, mom… Nothing at all."

"_Well? I haven't seen you and L for so long! And you never call me, either… Not one voicemail or text message from my favorite son and his boyfriend…_"

"Mother… I'm your only son, so unless you're trying to air out some dirty laundry…"

"_I just feel so… neglected… and __**unwanted**__…_" Ignoring her son's last comment, dry sobs echoed in the background of the phone as Raito rolled his eyes in distaste.

"Okaa-san, if you'll listen to me for just _one second_-"

"_I see Sayu almost everyday, and she has university and a job! But I never even get a __**phone call**__ from my firstborn child and only son… WHAT HAVE I DONE WRONG, RAITO_?!_ TELLL MEEEEE_!"

"You've done nothing wrong, okaa-san!" Raito pleaded on the phone, back towards the doorway as L finally snuck in, curiosity therefore killing the cat. "If you'll just listen to me, then-"

"_Is everything alright over there_?"

"Uh… _yeah_… but, 'kaa-san-"

"_Has L cheated on you? Suggested to do something to you that you find even more embarrassing than usual? ARE YOU USING PROTECTION, RAI-CHAN?! YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU DON'T PROTECT YOUR SPECIAL PLACE, NO ONE ELSE WILL!"_

"_**WHAT?!**_"

Raito nearly banged his head against the refrigerator as the sound of his father's voice echoed within the background, making even L wince behind him as the sound reverberated throughout the room from the small cell phone perched next to his lover's ear.

"No, L hasn't cheated on me okaa-san! And… well… let's just ignore the whole second part of your questions, alright? I just want to know when you wanted us to stop by! I have… something I need to talk to you and otou-san about."

"_..._"

"Okaa-san?"

"… _Really?!_"

Sweat-dropping in response, Raito began to wonder if L was right in saying this was a bad idea.

"Yeah…"

"_YOUSHOULDCOMEOVERTONIGHT_,_I'MMAKINGFOODRIGHTNOW_,_OHMYGODRAITOI'VEMISSEDYOUSOMUCH_-"

"MOTHER, BREATHE!"

"_Tonight! Come over tonight!"_

"O… k…"

"_SOICHIROU, RAITO AND L ARE COMING OVER! AREN'T SO EXCITED?!_"

"…"

Biting back a smile at the intermediate silence on the other side of the phone, Raito almost bit back a snort (_an attractive, very much of the sexy variety, snort, of course_) of both amusement and surprise as a pair of slim, white-clothed arms wound their way along his waist, dark hair bunched up against his ear and neck as the person now smashed against his hip attempted to listen in to the rest of the conversation.

'Idiot.'

"_RAITO, YOUR FATHER IS FROZEN WITH HAPPINESS AND ANTICIPATION!_"

This time, both Raito and L had to stifle their semi-loud laughter

"_Be here by six, darling! We'll be waiting for you the-eeeennnn!" _

"… … Okaa-san, you're creeping me out."

"_LOVEYOU,RAITO,SEEYOUSOON,__**BYE**__!_"

As the line disconnected and Raito shut his cell phone, L chose that moment to open his mouth and ask the question that seemed to be niggling on both of their minds simultaneously.

"… Is Raito's mother on crack?"

Raito sweat-dropped in embarrassment.

"… … I honestly don't even know anymore, L. I honestly _don't even know_."

* * *

"Best behavior, L."

"Fine."

"I mean it. No provocations, no comebacks, no annoying my father, _especially_ when he's probably already going to want to hurt you enough as it _is_-"

"I shall be the picture of normality and positive attitude, Raito."

"…"

"What?"

"Stop being such a dick and get out of the damn car you ass."

"Of course, Raito, dearest."

Ignoring the snarl sent his way, L pried the door open with slow hands and, at a snail's pace, began to get out of the car and step onto the cemented driveway. Raito felt a piece of himself nearly break as he looked at the clock and realized that not only was it not yet six o'clock, but they weren't even in his parent's house, and he _already_ wanted to beat the snot out of his boyfriend _himself_.

This did not bode well for the rest of the evening.

Sighing to himself (_so as to not punch the man still trying to get out of the car in the head_), Raito gave himself a small prayer (_so as to not press his own damn luck_) and mentally stove off any inhibitions to drinking he might have.

This evening was going to be difficult as it was… no need to add an inebriated sexy man to it.

"Hurry the hell up, or I will-"

"Coming, Raito!"

* * *

"RAI-CHAN! I'VE MISSED YOU SO MUCH!"

The familiar feel of having his mother within his arms actually made Raito feel a bit more secure about his announcement, knowing that no matter how his father reacted, his mother would always be welcoming and excited for him.

"I've missed you too, 'kaa-san." Feeling her unwind her grip from around himself and watch his mother then attack L with the same ferocity as with him made Raito smile with retribution.

"You two seriously need to come by the house more often!"

"Or not. I know I'm good with that." Soichirou interrupted his wife as he strolled down the long set of stairs, locking sight with Raito and Raito only.

"Hi… 'tou-san…" Raito limply muttered, slipping off his shoes as L remained slouched behind him. "How are you?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Well, are you all ready for a nice, _non-confrontational_ dinner?!"

L immediately nodded as he grabbed his boyfriend's arm and pulled him into the dining room along with him, closely behind Sachiko's back. Soichirou rolled his eyes as he pulled his glasses off of his face and cleaned them with a handkerchief he had been keeping in his pocket, a bad feeling lingering around his field of space.

Things were never good when Raito came in with _that _look on his face…

* * *

"So…"

"Yeah…"

"… Good times. These are definitely good times." L finished lamely, shaking his head as Sachiko and Raito awkwardly attempted to start conversation with each other, but interrupting the other before anything could be said. "I am having loads of fun. Aren't all of you?"

"… Alright." Soichirou dropped his chopsticks and glared at the two men who had been nothing but silent for the past fifteen minutes. "I'll bite, then. What happened?"

"Huh?"

"What the _hell_ is the matter with the both of you?"

"No-"

"We have an announcement to make!" Raito interrupted the dark-haired uncharacteristically meek man with an emphatic drop of his eating utensils, the sound breaking through the awkward silence in a fit of surprise. "L and I have decided…"

"_More like just Raito…_"

"That we are finally going to be welcome another addition into the household."

"…"

"…"

"… So… you're… into other _additions_ now?"

"Is that what the kids are calling it now?"

"Wait, wah-NOT THAT KIND OF ADDITION, DAD!" Raito flagged his parents back his way before another slew of misheard accusations were thrown his way. "I _meant_ that L and I have _decided_ to expand our family so that it contains more than just two people… like we told you not that long ago... COME ON, WE ALREADY HAD THIS CONVERSATION!"

"Oh dear god, please don't tell me you're-"

"We've decided who we're going to adopt!"

"Raito, that's-"

"Fuck."

"Soichirou!"

"And you're just adopting one, right?! Please, don't crush my hopes and dreams anymore than necessary! TELL ME IT'S JUST ONE!"

"… Well…"

"Double fuck!" Banging his fists against the table like a five-year-old whose favorite toy had just been taken away from them, Soichirou trembled with uncontrollable anger. "How many kids, Raito! I know you too well by now to think you would do something like this half-assed!"

"… Three."

A moment of silence cut through the dining room, making the three fellow people in the room lean away from the terrifying-looking police officer who was staring at Raito as if he were the scummiest of the scum to ever walk the face of the Earth.

Raito was pretty sure he wasn't too far off, either.

"… … Right." Standing up from the table, Soichirou quickly swallowed whatever comments he was about to make and turned directly to his most favorite person in the entirely world… "L… come with me."

"What?!"

And so began L's descent into full-blown panic.

'I will get you for this, Yagami Raito!'

"Oh, I'm sorry, was I too polite? I mean to say get your ass out of the chair and follow me unless you want me to splatter your face all out against the table." Watching the younger man twitch beside his son, Soichirou held in a rather impressive grin. "And I do mean Rambo-Style, _Sylvester_."

"Give me a second!"

"No problem… no pressure…" Soichirou smirked as he stood up and walked out of the dining room, his voice still echoing within the spacious area. "Except for your face, of course. There's plenty of pressure for that."

Raito and Sachiko pretended to not hear the audible gulp of fear that L swallowed as he stumbled out of his seat, hands over their faces as they both wondered just how they ended up with these two as significant lovers.

* * *

"Well… I am certainly surprised, Raito." Sachiko murmured as Raito played with his chopstick. "Three kids? And I always thought Sayu would make me a grandmother first!"

"… … First?"

"Raito, let's face facts. You're more of a woman than Sayu is."

"Damn."

"So…"

"What? What is it?"

"How do you feel? Excited? Afraid? Hopeful? All of the above?"

"I… I honestly don't know, 'kaa-san. I think I'd just rather, you know, concentrate on them coming to the house. I think I'm going to be all the support they'll have right now."

Staring at her son with a remorseful look on her face, Sachiko continued eating on, knowing that in the future, this was _definitely _a subject she would have to broach with Raito once again.

'Raito, why do you always feel like you have to do everything by yourself…?'

"When are you getting them?"

"That's still in the works, but from what I've heard, a good two weeks and they'll be as good as ours."

"Wow. You spent no time on letting nobody in on this, huh Raito?"

"Yeah… you're the first person I've told about that. And that's counting L in it, too." Uncomfortably shifting within his own seat, Raito sighed as he held his head within his hands and closed his eyes. "I just don't know what to do about him, 'kaa-san."

Patting her son on the shoulder, Sachiko simply gave her son a small smile tinged with a bit of motherly concern.

"Raito, just be careful, alright? These kids... as soon as you have them, they'll have to come first above all else. There's no Indian-giving here. This is _it._"

"… … Yes, I know okaa-san. Thank you."

"No problem son."

Giving her son one last sympathetic glance of support, Sachiko secretly hoped that her husband beat some sense into her son-in-law (_it didn't matter if Raito and L weren't married, they certainly acted the part without having to go through all of the hassle_) and make her son as happy as he could be.

If anyone deserved it, it was her son Raito, after all.

* * *

"I hate you."

"… … That's a nice start." L stated lamely, knowing that Soichirou's distaste for him was about as obvious as a giant dildo up the ass.

"No, you don't understand; I seriously cannot stand you." Soichirou stood outside the house, giving L a glare of death that surpassed all the other glares that L had had to suffer so far. "I look at you, and I feel _physically ill_ for the amount of hate I have for you. It's… it's sick, really. But it's the truth. I hate your perversion-infested guts, and hope you burn in hell for the rest of eternity when you die. I hope for horrible things to happen to you before I go to sleep at night... I have a little song that plays in my head when I'm daydreaming or just bored that loops on repeat that speaks solely of your demise. I would fuck you up if given the chance, and I'm pretty sure that if you replicated yourself, I would kill myself so that I wouldn't have to endure that kind of torture. I hate you, L. I really, really, really, _really_ hate you."

L stared at the man with his mouth open, honestly shocked at the sudden animosity (_even through the calm-voiced rant_) that struck through the air.

He could only think of one thing to say, and it was sad.

"Thank… you?"

So very, very sad indeed.

"I'm not done yet, believe it or not. I know you think I hate you because you're a man and you're 'with' my son… I'm not dumb. I realize this. And I know I probably have done little to assuage that fear."

"Um…"

"I'll tell you right now that that's not it. I've… secretly have always known that Raito was a bit… _Brokeback_, if you get my drift. And I'm not homophobic, for the love of all that is pure and good in this world. I could honestly care less if Raito started dating male prostitutes, as long as they treated him right." L felt something inside himself heal at the words, not realizing just how much Soichirou's acceptance of both L and Raito's preferences actually _meant _to him. Perhaps it was because he himself didn't _have_ parents and had internally (without himself knowing it) adopted Raito's own parents as his own _emotionally_.

"You have no idea how much that actually means to me… minus the talk of Raito with male prostitutes. That shall never happen… ever."

"Well, I'm still not finished yet, anyway. The reason I dislike you… well, it's just… damn. I've got to say, it's just… all _you_. It's your face. I look at your face… and I just want to pound it in so badly."

"My… face?"

"Fuck, yes. And your personality is horrible. You make people think it's all about the sex, but you're as insecure as they come. You purposely act ridiculous so that people think less of Raito's character, and don't deny it. Your jealousy shows through as clearly as a mushroom cloud. All in all, you are an asshole who feeds off of others so that they don't see just how fucked up you really are on the inside. Yes, you have had a bad childhood, but this is another level of childhood dysfunction that I think you need some serious therapy for, you weird-ass mo-fo." Soichirou nearly pulled his graying hairs out by the roots as he ranted on and on. "What Raito sees in you, I don't know, but he sees it and, unfortunately for me, he _likes _it."

"Damn…"

"If you're not getting the point by now, then I'm pretty sure you know that you do not deserve my son… period."

"You… you are correct."

"At least we agree on that."

"Most certainly."

"However… my son wants you."

And much like a lot of L's smart-ass comments, this one could not be held back.

"Oh, yes. He wants me. He wants me _bad_."

"Ok, don't push it Scorsese. We already went over that little tidbit."

"Yes sir."

"Now… when Raito wants something, he will go at nothing, and I mean _nothing_, to have it. In fact, I think the chase actually _excites_ the boy, whether he realizes it or not."

"… … I could have told you that one." L deadpanned, thinking of their courtship and just what L had to do to get to this point.

"_Please_, no sex-stories when I'm trying to pour my heart out on this…" Watching the man's eyebrow twitch sporadically, L backed away a bit from the unstable officer. "Now, I honestly don't think either of you is ready for _one _child, let alone _three_, but this is Raito's decision, no doubt, so anything I say will be stuck by the wayside."

"He does not even wish to listen to _me_ of all people…" The reluctant artist admitted out loud, knowing that Soichirou's glare meant that he was still being schooled and to shut the hell up while he still could.

"Well, get used to it. The honeymoon's over, slowpoke, now you have to deal with Raito's needy demands and unreasonable wishes and act like you _like it_ or be in for a _whole_ world of ugly…"

Thinking back on the two weeks where Raito tortured him incessantly, L could see where Soichirou was coming from. "Are you… prepping me for something?"

"I am giving you the first and only piece of advice that you may come to savor from me, so shut up and listen to the rest of what I have to say, you moron." L shut up after that comment, refusing to give his boyfriend's father anymore reason to kick his ass. "This is not going to be an easy thing for you two, so if you go through with this, you better suck up your manic-depressiveness and be the stronger one of the both of you. He is just as insecure as you are, and though he is fiercely independent, if he is doing this, some part of him actually thinks that you may want to do this too. He's going to need your support… and if you don't give it to him, I will personally chop off your balls and feed them to you for breakfast. In fact, I will make sure that you are still conscious and in the most terrible kind of pain as I do it, just to prove the fact that I _can_. Now, do you understand?"

L nodded with a slightly panicked look on his face.

"So… does this mean we have your blessing?" The dark-haired artist stupidly questioned, already mentally kicking himself as Soichirou's face darkened with detriment.

"Oh, no." L sweat-dropped as he stumbled over his feet, Soichirou leading him back inside with his voice completely devoid of emotion. "Not even close, you idiot."

"­_Al-_righty, then…"

* * *

"You just _have _to call me for the next time you go and see the kids!" Sachiko bubbled as Soichirou stewed in the corner, arms folded across his chest with large pout underneath his 70's porn mustache.

But that was just how L saw it in his head. For all he knew...

"We'll see what we can do. I still have to meet up with Whammy-san again for a personal meeting-"

"Raito-kun did not tell me about this." L stated uncomfortably, not sure if he wanted his lover and a man who had, however briefly, watched him grow up in an environment that had been less than friendly in the same room _while_ he wasn't there to supervise.

Oh, the _torture._

"It's just going to be a small thing. It's not that big of deal..." Raito shifted away from the man, his strange mood brushing L off for the moment. "So, I guess we'll see you later, 'kaa-san. Take care, alright?"

Giving his mother a small kiss on the cheek and waving at his semi-frustrated father, Raito pushed past L and walked outside, seemingly in a fit of nonchalance. The dark-haired artist only blinked as he simply waved at the two watching them over his shoulder and quietly followed his lover to the passenger's side of the car, neither having the will nor the strength to ask his lover just what was wrong.

"They have no idea what they're in for, do they." Sachiko muttered under her breath, a smile still etched over her lips.

"Nope. Not a clue." Soichirou laid an arm over her shoulder as he shook his head and pulled his wife inside, refusing to let Raito and L ruin his night anymore than need be.

There was still smexy-times to be had, of course.

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own "Wake Me Up Before You Go-Go" by Wham!, which bought us the ever-delightful George Michaels. Lol. I miss you, George. Between the models with whom you weren't interested in within your videos and the nose-candy, we did so love you.

See, between the seriousness and ridiculousness of this chapter, I honestly got confused. Lol. There's a lot of plot points if you can catch them... and a lot of ridiculousness that you can obviously see that I really did not plan on as well. Yay? Lol. There, my shout-out to DH in the form of Crazy!Sayu, the cell phone from Hell and the dinner scene. Nope, no Drunk!Raito this time, though. He has enough on his mind. XD Next chapter shall be out as soon as I'm able, you guys, so thanks for the patience. God knows I'm trying my hardest. ^.^; Thanks for reading, you guys!


	14. Shrinking the Great Divide

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Fourteen: _Shrinking the Great Divide_

* * *

"I'll be back later, ok!"

Blinking as the ice-cream obsessed artist waved over his shoulder, happily slurping on his marshmallow and sprinkle encrusted strawberry ice-cream cone with such disturbing glee and delight, Raito shook his head in denial as he just kept his comments to himself.

'I do _not _have weird taste in guys, I do _not _have weird taste in guys-'

"Make sure to bring some more of that strawberry scented lubricant on your way back, Raito-kun! We are almost completely out after that uproarious time we had last night!"

Raito sweat-dropped as he nearly tripped over his own feet, his neighbor, whom had opened his door at the exact same time as he did, staring over at him with wide, _wide _(_oh so wide_) eyes.

"… … I'll be sure to do that." The brunette muttered as the man across from him turned completely red and shut his door as quickly as possible. "Along with trying to salvage whatever dignity I may or may not have left after both being and living with you for a good year and a half…"

"What was that, Raito-kun?"

"Nothing!" Raito chuckled nervously as L narrowed his eyes, mouth completely covered in strawberry ice-cream and chocolate sauce. "Just be sure not to cause any trouble while I'm gone, ok?"

"… … … Define _trouble_."

"Just don't burn the damn apartment down while I'm gone, you psychotic maniac."

"_Fine_." L sighed obnoxiously as he turned away from his boyfriend, knowing the look on Raito's face was probably to _die for_. "I will concede this one time… just make sure to remember the lu-"

"BYE L!"

Not even flinching as the door swung shut, L frowned down at his magnificent ice-cream cone, his mind for once waging war with his appetite. With a small sigh and a wondrous bite of the most scrumptious treat on Earth (_period_), L carefully dug out the cell phone that had been laying within his pocket and tossed it on the couch, giving it a scathing glare with his dark charcoal-colored gaze as his stomach gurgle uncomfortably with indigestion and… well, just indigestion.

'I knew those extra chocolate-covered peanuts were going to wreak havoc on my colon later…'

**_Gurgle... _**

_Shifty Eyes..._

Phone...

Toilet...

Phone...

Toilet...?

**_Double Gurgle..._**

'Toilet now, phone later!'

* * *

"Hello, Whammy-san!" Raito smiled as the receptionist patted him on the back (_why, Raito did not know_) and closed the door behind him, shrugging off his jacket as the warm-hearted caretaker stood up and gestured for him to sit down.

"Ah, Yagami-san, it's wonderful to see you! And so punctual too… really, I'm starting to wonder how L bagged you with the way your two personalities seem to clash!" Awkwardly laughing at the old man's 'joke', Raito fought against his own urges and held back the scathing remarks already settled on his lips, knowing that no good would come out of him being a smartass. "How are you feeling today?"

"Uh…" Giving the man a strange glance as he flitted around his own office, Raito almost bit the bullet and snapped. "Fine…?"

"Well, that's lovely." Raito felt shivers running down his spine at the smile sent his way, the predatory gleam within Quillsh's eyes. "Now let's talk about what I asked you to see me for, Yagami-san..."

"Which would be...?"

"The children, of course. Why else would I ask you to come?" Gesturing towards the slightly open door, Quillsh slowly strolled over and closed it, locking it with a flick of the wrist. "Alright. That was rather irritating."

"Uh…"

"Now, how much do you actually _know_ about L, Yagami-san?"

"What, didn't you just say you wanted to talk about the _children_?"

Quillsh gave the man a blank stare, his dead eyes creeping Raito a bit more than he would have liked as he sweat-dropped within his chair and shrunk into…

_Just a little bit_.

"Please don't tell me you're really this gullible all the time, Yagami-san, or I may have to re-think actually bestowing those crazy children upon you."

"Err…"

"Alrighty, then." Quillsh wouldn't even go there. "Let's just get back to the original question at hand, which is, what has L himself told you about his past in the orphanages he has visited?"

"Is that… a _relative _question to be asking while L _actually _isn't here?"

"…"

"…"

"Yagami-san…" Quillsh sighed exasperatedly, not noticing the scornful look on the younger man's face. "Please…"

"Whatever I know doesn't matter. All that is spoken between us is to be kept between L and myself."

"How cute. I would give you a gold star, but I'm afraid I ran out of them earlier whilst chatting with the other children."

"I know you've known about L for a long time, and that you probably know about things that I would just _love _to learn about. Understanding him is difficult, and knowing more about him would probably be the best thing for the both of us." Raito's cinnamon-brown eyes stood out especially against his face, leaking innocence the older man was sure he had lost a loooooong time ago... "But you have to understand that for me, playing with someone's emotions is the absolute worst thing you can do to someone, especially you love. If L thinks that it's best I don't know every little sordid detail, then I won't pry into it."

"You… really believe what you're saying, don't you?" Quillsh looked as if he were about to drop onto the ground head-first. "I've never met someone so… so…"

"Noble? Ideal? Dig_-nified_?"

"… … _Stupid._"

The brunette artist almost fell over and face-faulted onto the floor, eye twitching sporadically with newfound annoyance.

Well…

That hadn't been the response Raito had been looking for.

"If you're _pretending _to be this gracious just to impress me, then you're really losing points here, Yagami-san. Because to be quite frank… I doubt L would get together with someone so… _naïve_." Watching the younger man toy with his fingers and blush just the way he thought he would, Quillsh shook his head in dismay. "What's the _real _reason that you do not wish to hear about L's past."

"Pineapples."

"Wha-"

"Did you know that Pineapples take about 18 months to be considered full-grown?"

"…"

"…"

"Was that a very strange attempt in trying to transition your way out of a conversation you do not really wish to have?"

"… Possibly."

Sitting behind his desk and letting out a rather large and obnoxious sigh of distaste, the bespectacled man finally pulled off his glasses and just took a whack at the obviously emotionally-discontent artist (_now that he actually had had some time to virtually dissect Yagami Raito a bit more, it wasn't really all that difficult to see just __**how**__ both he and L got together_). "Let me guess… is it because you would feel like you didn't actually _earn _the information, and basically decreases in value because of that fact?"

Raito gulped as he shifted slightly in his seat, knowing he had been caught.

The 24-year-old didn't really want to admit it…

But the orphanage caretaker was absolutely correct.

Raito wasn't without his pride, after all. And having L himself fully tell him about his past instead of just having it _handed _to him with no effort whatsoever just wasn't all that…

_Fun_.

Was it _really _so sad that he still enjoyed playing mind-games of his live-in boyfriend of nearly two years?

'_Yes. Yes it is._'

And Raito could tell from the furrowing of the older man's brows as he tilted his glasses back against the bridge of his nose that this was very, very true.

"The kids have been asking for you." Quillsh simply said before pointing towards the door, his thin lips set in a straight line and shut his mouth.

Raito slumped out of the room, somehow ashamed at how _disappointed_ Quillsh seemed with him…

'_When did that fucker turn into my damn dad?!_'

* * *

"Now, why does _this_ feel familiar?" Sayu muttered as she dragged Misa behind her with one hand and pushed the door open in front of her with the other.

"... ... Do I _have_ to do this, Sayu-chan? I have a photo shoot I have to get ready for-"

"Yes, now shut up and do as you're told!"

Misa meeped as she ducked her head down, certain after all that she had seen with Raito…

She did _not_ want the wrath of Sayu on _her _own ass.

Smiling over at the ice-cream covered (_Sayu did not dare to ask_) artist staring up at her like a lost puppy in a storm, Sayu threw Misa onto the couch and plopped down beside her sex-tastic brother-in-law in the making… who continued to stare down at his now-empty hands like that would magically produce another ice-cream cone full of magical, awesome goodness. "Hiiiii, L, we're herrrrre! Now what was _so _urgent that I needed to drop everything I was doing and run over her on ivory wings of concern."

Sayu gave Misa the finger as she snorted, the gothic Lolita not looking the least threatened by the fact.

"Raito-kun is going through the final phase of the adoption, and I am still no closer to being able to define just what it takes to be a parental figure. I have called Sayu-chan here so that she may assist me in the matter on how one goes about in acting... _fatherly_."

Both girls blinked simultaneously, not sure just what to say.

"Uh..."

"Um..."

"Misa?" Sayu prodded her friend with a random piece of candy that had been strewn on the floor, not sure how to begin herself. "Any suggestions?"

"My parents don't like to keep contact with me for some strange reason." The young woman replied, scratching her bubbly little head with confusion floated within her eyes. "I wonder why..."

Kicking L in the leg before he could get a chance to open his mouth and _tell_ Misa just why her parents most likely didn't want to come in a fifty-foot radius of her (_besides the obvious_), Sayu sweat-dropped while L gave her a rather contemptuous glare...

Which was really quite ineffective when you were covered in strawberry goo and patches of what used to be chocolate, biting on your thumb as if you were virtually five-years-old.

"And I don't think that I'm such a great fountain of information considering the fact that one of my parents is legally insane and the other, um..."

"Hates me with an unfounded passion, and still struggles with his own mountain of anger issues?"

"Yeah." And people wondered how both she and Raito came out as crazy as they did, with _that _kind of explanation... "_Exactly_."

"Though..." L scratched his chin with a sticky finger, streaking his face with extra pinkish-red marks of ice-cream. "Your parents made sure the both of you went to school and were extremely supportive in all of your life-decisions... minus my sexy-time with Raito, but once again, your father just hates me. It does take a lot to raise demi-sex-god and a demoness from yaoi-hell..."

"Why, thank you for noticing that!"

"These children are already demon-spawn." L suddenly snapped his fingers, as if this was the first time he had noticed such a thing. "I cannot control their personalities, but I can make sure that they don't end up becoming drugged-out bums giving blow-jobs for cash!"

"Uh... Ok?" Misa muttered as she wondered how imaginative her friend could get while still covered in what look to be pink vomit. As she then proceeded to go off into a daydream of unicorns and Raito dressed in princess dresses (_White lace __**so **__went with his complexion, no matter __**what **__he said_), her phone began to beep from within her pocketbook, causing her to whip it out not a second later.

"Oh! It's Mikami-kun!" Misa fluffily replied to herself, not taking notice to Sayu's slap-happy demeanor or the ice-cold fury now residing in L's eyes…

"You actually stay in contact with that looney?!" Sayu sputtered out, ignoring her own crazy for a moment as she contemplated both Misa's and Teru's insanity. "He's a creepy rapist in the making, Misa!"

"... ... He's never tried anything with _me_, that way."

"She meant in Raito's case, you idiot!" L nearly stood up and grabbed the cell phone out of Misa's hands as she continued to give him a stupefied look of confusion.

"Who isn't a fan of Raito's hotness, L-kun? You can't really blame him for being attracted to your sexy mess of a boy-toy."

"... ... ... Have _you _ever kidnapped my boyfriend and dressed up as me in order to _rape_ him, Misa?"

"No, but Misa sure as hell would if given a chance and the right equipment. Give Misa a high-five for that one, Sayu-chan!"

"Sent right to ya, baby-girl!"

"Do the both of you even _listen _to yourselves when you speak?!"

"…"

"…"

"Uh…" The blonde model almost snorted as Sayu rolled her eyes and began to absently pick at her nails. "I think you're the _last _person to be judging what _we _say in our spare time, L."

L promptly ignored that comment and began to lick her fingers in contempt, still wishing he had an ice-cream cone to settle his sorrows with.

"Misa thinks L-kun takes Mikami-kun too seriously. Besides, Rai-chan only has eyes for _you_..." The blonde bombshell scrunched up her face in distaste as she realized the truth in that sentence. "Unfortunately."

"Not the point..."

"What did he say, Misa?"

"Oh, only that he wishes he could tap Rai-chan's smexy ass, and that he wishes L-kun would burn in a thousand sexy hells as he did so."

"..."

"Yeah... he sounds so _wonderful_."

"But this isn't about Mikami-kun, and how much he wishes he could be able to have sex with Raito! This is about you, L! You, and your damn daddy issues!"

"I will have Sayu-chan know that I do not have any parental issues of any kind!"

"Yes, you do."

"No, I don't."

"_Yes_, you do."

"_No_, I don't."

"_**Yes**_... you totally _**do**_."

"_**No**_, I really, really _**don't**_!"

"L, once you admit your faults, you'll be able to work on them. Now..." Sayu patiently put her hand on L's jean-clad knee and gave him her biggest set of puppy-dog-eyes. "Just say this; 'Sayu-chan, I totally have daddy-related, and quite possibly, mommy-related issues that continually fuck with my already messed up mind, and that's why I am completely inept when it comes to parenting and what a man is supposed to do once he has children.'."

"... ... That is so retarded, I refuse to even speak of how retarded it actually is... excluding the prior sentence spoken, of course." L crossed his arms against his raised thighs and then proceeded to...

Pout?

'Oh Raito, how the hell do you deal with this crap day in and day out without going bat-shit crazy?'

Knowing she was in for an extremely time-consuming couple of hours, Sayu rose up the sleeves of her shirt and gave Misa a long, hard look...

They were in it for the long run today.

* * *

Raito sighed as he peeked in through the door, not at all that shocked at the scene greeting him _today_.

Mihael seemed to be screaming at the top of his lungs as he kept repeatedly jumping on top of a fallen boy's body, not noticing as Mail egged him on from the sidelines with a few other of their peers either watching with wide-open mouths or screaming in fear. Nate was the only child in the room that appeared to be relatively calm, zoning out into his own mental space as he played with his puzzle, not actually trying to put it together, but… lining them up in columns and rows.

This was the part where Raito was supposed to come back to his right mind and just say _no_ to crazy children ready to break his already fragile sanity.

Raito was _obviously _not the brightest bulb in the bunch.

But he was most definitely the most _fluorescent_.

"Do you kids _ever_ stop torturing the people around you, or is this some sort of sick hobby that I should get used to watching?"

"Daddy!"

His eyes widened as Nate brushed off the puzzle pieces within his hands and ran towards him at full force before either Mihael (_who had just elbow-dropped the pitiful child lying on the floor, still screaming in pain_) and Mail (_who was yelling at Mihael to 'tap him in' so that he could 'finish the job'_) could, the first time that the tiny boy had dropped his first name and just called him 'daddy'. The two other boys quickly rushed forward, following alongside the silver-haired child and throwing their arms around the light-haired soon-to-be father.

"Whammy-san said that we'll be finally going to your home soon!"

"Next week, next week!"

"Wicked!"

"Actually it'll be four days, but yeah, whatever." Laughing as the kids began to laugh in earnest, Raito felt something inside him glow rather brilliantly, just _wishing _that L could understand just what it was he _actually wanted _so badly…

"Hello there! I haven't seen you around our parts before!" Raito twitched as he turned around, expecting another whack-job to randomly pop up out of nowhere and start attacking him viciously over the head with a stapler as he _dared_ to try and ninja into his personal-space. Eyes widening at the semi-normal looking man standing in front of him, complete with a dark trench coat (_why he had a trench coat on, Raito did not wish to know_) and… well, quite a weird smile.

It was almost on par with _L's_ own creepy, perverted smile, now that Raito thought about…

"… … Have you been _enjoying_ the children?"

"What?!" Raito pulled them back further away from the man, his '_OH MY GOD, THIS GUY IS A CHILD RAPIST!_' Alarm sounding off at full blasts at this point.

"Seishirou-san!" A random teen with bright green eyes and a sideways cap huffed as he gave the older man a nearly exasperated glare, his baggy tee-shirt and stone-washed jeans giving him an almost endearing look. "Don't scare the poor man like that!"

Turning towards the now horrified-looking Raito (_who was wondering if this orphanage let just __**any **__crazy-crazy off the street to __**watch their damn children**_), the cute teenager attempted to assuage the fear lurking behind the other adult's eyes…

And avert the ass-whooping that was sure to come his Seishirou's way if he pissed Raito off the wrong way and even _tried _to go for his kids.

Raito was pretty sure the older looking man wanted to keep his testicular fortitude intact, was all.

"I'm so sorry, sir, he just has a… _very_ strange sense of humor. He would _never_ harm _any _of the children we take care of here!"

"Uh… are… the two of you _supposed _to be here?"

"That's two of our other 'watchers', Ra-_dad_." Mihael frowned as he buried himself deeper within his soon-to-be father's embrace. "We think the creepy looking guy molests the teenager in his spare time, but we're not so sure. Though from the way their together all the time… and the way the older guy is always grabbing his ass… I think we have enough evidence so far."

Seishirou once again grinned creepily as the teen stuttered rather cutely and turned seven different shades of red.

"H-hey!"

"They're kind of like you and L, dad!" Mail squeaked out, not helping Raito's worries in the least.

If that guy was even _anything remotely_ like L when it came to that poor kid… then this orphanage needed security cameras and body guards on that tiny teenager's ass.

_All the __**time**_.

"Let's play a game, kids!"

"Uh… Seishirou-san… maybe that's not such a… _good _idea." The green-eyed teenager sweat-dropped as the counselor with pale golden eyes smiled rather predatorily over at the soon-to-be family of four and opened his trench coat-

Raito quickly covered the children's eyes and huddled them closely to his person, because really, these kids were already damaged beyond belief without having to live through a crazy flasher/pedophile/just general weirdo trying to get off on some kid's screams-

And pulled out bunches and bunches of…

Puppets?

"Seishirou-san, _please _put away the puppets before-"

"But Subaru-kun, the fun's only begun!"

"I'm _so_ sorry." The teenager gave Raito a faltering glance as he made a rolling motion next to his head and pointed at the tall 'supposed' guardian of the children, picking up a couple of the puppets with little to no enthusiasm. "Once he get's like this-"

"Now who wants to be the good guys and who wants to be the bad guys?!"

"He won't budge on anything else until he gets his way." Subaru ended lamely, dropping his head down in shame.

"Who are the good guys and who are the bad guys?" Nate muttered quite sensibly behind his adoptive parent, only a small portion of his face visible behind Raito's long elegant khaki-covered legs, silver-white curls falling over the boy's eyes in waves.

Mihael and Mail kept quiet for once, looking the most disturbed Raito had ever seen them.

'At least I found one way to shut them both up...'

"… I suppose that's all a matter of… _perspective_."

'He's nuts!' Was all that ran within Raito's head as he pulled his kids closer to his person, wondering if there were any objects he could use as weapons close to his vicinity...

"Alright! I'll be the crazy assassin who is virtually emotionless and ends up killing himself by manipulating the person he secretly loves most! Who wants to be the tree I feed murdered people to?!"

Strangely enough, all three children stayed silent as they shuffled not all that subtly towards Raito's direction, not even deigning to look over at the teenager shaking his head in full-on exasperation...

Honestly…

And Raito thought _he _had it bad.

* * *

After nearly an hour of trying to get the strange role-playing puppet guy out of his face, and then _another _hour of trying to get him from trying to eat his boyfriend's face _in front of all of the children _(_at least L had the decency to NOT do anything of the such in front of the kids… __**now**_), and then ANOTHER near hour of calming all of the kids down and prying Nate off of his legs, Raito finally made his way to the receptionist's desk, feeling totally and utterly exhausted.

The receptionist gave him a small sympathetic smile, knowing that the poor man went through Hell and back in the time he had spent there.

"Before you go, I need you to come into my office again, Yagami-san." Popping up out of nowhere (_honestly, people needed to stop doing that!_), Quillsh Whammy held his patent worn-weather smile with great patience, as if the last conversation they had was completely erased from his mind, a golden manilla folder gripped between aging fingers. "There's something I would like you to see before anything else is done..."

"… … It doesn't have anything to do with puppets, sakura trees, or the end of the world, does it?"

"…"

"…"

"Do I… even wish to ask?"

"Let's just say you have some very special people running your orphanage, _and leave it at that_."

"Dully noted." Beckoning the younger man to follow him once more, Raito flounced his way back into the office, wondering how much more of a douche the older man could make him feel before he went home and went into a pity-coma. "Follow me!"

"Now, I won't try to make you read this, since you're so adamantly against it," Quillsh dropped the file onto the floor with the flick of his wrist, carefully stepping over it in a show of manly daintiness (_how such a feat was accomplished, Raito would never know…_) "But if you were to, say, grab it without my noticing you taking it and speak of reading it to L and receive L's permission, then I _suppose_ it wouldn't be a _complete_ invasion of his privacy _and _you would still feel vindicated with yourself on the matter… wouldn't you?"

"… I guess… so." Raito wondered if the older man would look at him funny if he started beating himself over the head, knowing that even _his _control over his own curiosity was just about veil-thin. "I guess… if he… were to _know_… kind of… then maybe it would be a matter of just breaking things down…"

"Whoops..." Pointing down at the stack of papers still sitting on the floor, Raito almost laughed at the shit-eating grin now lurking over the caretaker's wrinkled face."Look at that, Yagami-san! L's file... is on the floor, since I _accidentally_ dropped it as a result of Arthritis and exhaustion. I'll have to make sure to pick that up _later on _when my Scoliosis isn't acting up..."

Raito watched as the man exited the room before snorting to himself (_His Scoliosis acting up? He really couldn't think of anything better than _that_?_) and picking up the semi-thick manila folder, shoving it in his man-purse without the slightest bit of hesitation. Smiling at the steely conviction that had lain within Quillsh Whammy's face before he strutted out of his office, Raito was most certainly glad that the old man was with him and not _against _him.

'You might not think so, L... but you certainly have a lot of people who care about you and what you do with your life...'

Making his way out of the orphanage with a nod at Quillsh and a wave over at the receptionist, Raito wondered just _how_ he was going to get L to open up to him long enough to actually have a conversation about this very, very sore topic and sneak a peek at just _what_ was inside his lover's gigantic folder filled with things he was positive he most likely did _not _want to know.

_Raito, meet L's baggage. L's baggage, it's about time you got acquainted to dear, old Raito…_

* * *

After the long stressful day of dealing with child-molesting perverts, teenagers that supported them, kids that seemed border-line bipolar/just plain crazy, an old man plotting against him, and a stop at a certain store and several queer looks for the amount of lube brought (_Raito preferred to be well-stocked, damn it! Why didn't anyone else understand?!_), Raito was on the brink of falling asleep with his eyes open.

All he wanted to do was just fall onto his bed, curl up next to his boyfriend and _go to sleep_.

"L, I'm-what the fuck... _**YAGAMI SAYU**_! WHAT THE HELL DID YOU DO TO MY DAMN APARTMENT, YOU PSYCHOTIC BITCH?!"

Unfortunately for him, the Gods of Hell certainly liked to toy with their favorite emotionally-unstable boy-toy, Yagami Raito.

"Uh..." Sayu squeaked as Raito's rage-filled countenance almost made her fall over in shock, dark brown eyes wide with fear. "Sur-_prise_...?"

"SAYU!"

The apartment was trashed from floor to ceiling, Raito immediately noticing a hunched-over Amane Misa cowering by the side of their expansive bookcase... which was now completely empty of books.

Garbage and random assortments of mangled sweets littered the ground, walls and ceiling and all of the sheets that had been hung on the windows had been pulled down and laid rumpled on the floor. Splatters and clumps of acrylic paints were either skewed on the walls, or in the cases of the tiny tubes (_which were freaking expensive and precious to Raito by the way_) lay ripped and broken on the ground, along with the scratches now decorating the brand-spanking new hard-wood paneling that had taken _forever _to be set and tiled because _somebody_ had been sitting on their ass, eating cake and pudding the whole damn time it had been being done...

Raito's mind just could not process it all at once, though one thing in particular stuck out in his mind.

One person in particular seemed to be missing in the… foray.

"We didn't mean to push him so far!" His younger sister implored, for once not understanding just what had happened herself. "We just said... and then he just... AND ALLL OF THE SUDDEN, THE WORLD EXPLODED INTO CHAOS AND MISERY, I TELL YOU! CHAOS AND MISSSEERRRRRYYYY!"

Raito sweat-dropped as he nearly smacked himself in the face, wondering if smothering Sayu with a pillow would make _someone_ (_anyone_) unhappy in the world.

'I need a drink... or seven. Now that I'm thinking about it, I wonder where I put my extra bottle of Tequila…'

Waving his hand in dismissal, Raito made his way through the mess now infecting his usually spotless living space and grabbed his stair's very sticky railing, grimacing in distaste before glancing back behind him with a glare that would make even turtles and midgets cry.

"What. Did. You. Say?"

"... ... Daddy issues. We just talked about daddy issues, and then he just... he just flipped out, 'nii-chan!" Was all Sayu squeaked as she nearly pissed her pants at the venomous glower her brother nailed her with, hoping to God that she hadn't just ruined everything her brother had worked so hard to _fix_.

Nodding in grim satisfaction, Raito pushed his man-purse off of his shoulders and dropped it next to his stairs, thinking that maybe he wouldn't have to sneak the conversation he needed to have so badly with his (_newly discovered_) hot-headed lover and read that file like he first thought...

'_I'm still trying to figure out if this is a blessing or a curse or not…_'

A piece of chocolate cake then fell down from the ceiling and promptly plopped itself over Raito's gorgeous head of cinnamon-brown locks.

"Well that answers _that _question."

* * *

Disclaimer: I do not own the two characters shown above; Seishirou and Subaru, who belong to the awesome quadruple-manga force that is Clamp. Love 'em or hate 'em... they sure do like to poke people's eyes out in their stories. XD Awesome.

I'll say it now, because I know people will demand it (and if not, then I shall offer one anyway); I apologize for the long wait. I'm serious. Really. _Really_. I blame my finals, along with the mountain of papers that I have had to write in order to keep up my grades and such. No time = No updates, but more time + more sleep = more updates... which shall be granted to me after this week. Hopefully you guys are still reading, and if you wanted to know, the next update shall be the update most of you are waiting for! ((hint, hint)) Thanks for reading, you guys! (If you're even still reading... Lol)


	15. Down in Flames

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Fifteen: _Down in Flames_

* * *

If our dearest Raito had _had _any reservations in continuing on his trek up the stairs and being faced with his lover, who was no doubt on the verge of a total mental-breakdown if the mess downstairs, along with the continuing mess that was meeting the artist's sight as he trudged onto their second floor, was any indicator, then Raito had the good sense to not say anything about it _out loud_.

Inside his mind, though, his usual monologue of all things 'gross, icky, and downright dis-gusting' continued on as normal, not halting for a second even as the man grimaced at the streaks of pinkish-red goop lining down his precious halls until they stopped abruptly at the second to last door before both his and L's bedroom, which seemed to be locked shut.

It was wide-open, with tendrils of steam peeking out from the large expanse of space, making Raito sigh with semi-relief.

'Well, at least he had the good sense to take a shower _before _he locked himself in the bedroom…'

Tiptoeing to his room, Raito gently stirred at the knob (_and much to Raito's 'surprise', it was locked_) before tapping on the door, wincing as something heavy immediately slammed against the wooden entrance.

'The curse of having too much money… you never take good care of the things you _do _have!'

"L, could you please open the door? It's me, Raito…"

"…"

"L…"

"…"

Getting frustrated by the stubborn fortitude of the only man on Earth that could both aggravate and infuriate the younger artist past the edge of reason with an ease that seemed to be impossible, Raito silently began ticking off things he could use as leverage...

"I brought cake!"

"…"

_Still, nothing_.

"I brought candy!"

"…"

_This is __**really**__ starting to get just a __**tad **__bit annoying…_

"I have cookies!"

"…"

_Time to bring out my secret weapon, then._

"Damn it, L, I brought lub-"

_**SWING!**_

Eyes widening in response to the door being slammed open, Raito did not notice the lithe body covered in white fabric and blue denim rush towards him and pull him inside their bedroom by his arm. Yelping at the bruising skin-on-skin contact, Raito barely had a chance to pull back as he was thrown on the bed with force that should _not_ be hidden in a body as emaciated as… well, _that_.

"What the hell is the matter with you?!" Raito nearly screeched as L stared down at him with hooded ebony-colored eyes, his face actually covered in a pale pink flush.

It seemed that even _L_ hadn't expected his libido to act up as fiercely as such.

Obviously L didn't know himself that well.

Before the older man could stomp out of the room (_and lock himself somewhere else, he was sure_) and pout for who knows how long, Raito grabbed the man's arm and practically threw him on the bed on top of him.

"Hey, I'm talking to you, you idiot!"

Instead of responding (_as he should have done to protect himself from the onslaught of Raito-Bitchiness about to be thrown his way_) to the agitated brunette's insult, and _at least _explaining just what it was that was going through his head at that moment in time, L turned his head to the side and stared at a photograph of a walrus that was hung just in front of his peripheral vision, clashing violently with the white paint of their bedroom wall.

'When did we put _that _up there…?'

"L!"

"I gave you a new excuse to re-decorate the apartment again." Was all that came out of L's mouth before he got off of his boyfriend (_miraculously!_) and began to leave the room.

"What the hell are you freaking talking about?! I come home and the apartment is trashed, Sayu and Misa are downstairs scared shitless for their damn lives and you're practically shut into our bedroom like you're a 15-year-old emo-girl on her period! What the hell, L?! Are you shitting me?" Pushing himself off the bed, Raito almost halted in his rant as the blank stare his lovely boyfriend gave him seemed a bit more… vacant, than usual.

How Raito noticed such a thing, he would probably never know.

Nor ever want to.

"Are you serious, right now? Is _this_ what I'm bringing these kids into? A fucking 31-year-old man that acts as if he's _five _on the best of days, and completely mentally-unstable on the worst of them?!"

"Raito-kun knew who he was dealing with when he first began this whole 'child' debacle." Waving his hand in a nonchalant way, L exited the room with barely a goodbye, Raito's eyes mysteriously glistening as he curled within the bed and buried his head within his hands.

Almost two years, and still it felt as if the two weren't any closer to each other than the day they first met.

'What am I supposed to do…?' Wishing he could so easily throw a tantrum like L himself could, but knowing that such a thing would accomplish _nothing_. 'I can't read your mind!'

"Raito! Are you ok, up there?"

His sister's voice echoed within the small room as if she were right there next to him instead of downstairs, probably reeling from L's sudden exit as well if the slammed door and two identical squeaks of shock were any indication.

"Raito?!"

"I'm fine!" The man easily bellowed back, his own voice bouncing off the walls rather eerily. Pulling himself to the center of the bed, Raito ducked behind the fluffy covers and pulled himself into a ball, not wanting to deal with anyone or _anything _else. "I'm _just fine_…"

* * *

"Sayu-chan, do you think Rai-chan is ok?!" Misa bounced over to her friend, chocolate-brown eyes narrowed in concern. "L looked really sad too, and that's _never _a good omen of things to come…"

"I think he'll be ok, Misa-chan. But just to make sure, let's clean up this mess before he comes downstairs and leave the poor baby-daddy-to-be a note afterwards." Roving around the almost completely destroyed room, Sayu flinched as she could only imagine the look on Raito's face as he bounded back down the stairs and found this mess still waiting for him to be cleaned…

"I thought they'd be ready." Sayu whispered to herself, dark-brown hair hanging limply from her shoulders. "I guess I was wrong…"

"HERE'S THE BROOM, SAYU-CHAN!"

"DAMN IT!" Falling over a misshapen chocolate-chip cookie, the college student reigned in her anger and took in a deep breath. "How many times do I have to tell you that only I am allowed to be that annoying?!"

"Uh…" Misa scratched her head, blonde pigtails bobbing against her fingers. "A lot?"

"You know what?" Sayu sweat-dropped as she fully dropped down onto the floor, knowing it wasn't even worth it. "Just start sweeping, Misa… _Please_."

* * *

_Tap, tap, tap…_

"GO-AWAY!"

L nearly fell as his hand dropped from the door, smirking at the slightly hysterical edge lingering over his friend's agitated bellow.

_Tap, tap, tap…_

"DON'T MAKE ME HURT YOU, YOU DONKEY-FUCKER! I HAVE A BAT AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO USE IT!"

L sweat-dropped, not even wanting to know just what had made his manager so angry, that even L himself was frightened.

Or at least just a bit more cautious.

'Whatever.'

_Tap… tap… tap…?_

"THAT'S IT, I CAN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE-NO, I DON'T WANT YOUR DAMN COOKIES, YOU FREAKING LITTLE BRATS! I HAVE BETTER THINGS TO DO THAN TO EAT COOKIES ALL DAY AND GAIN FIFTY POUNDS! NOW GET THE HELL AWAY FROM MY DOOR **AND GET **_**REAL **_**JOBS YOU LAZY SACKS OF CRAP!**"

L snapped back as he stared at the door in front of him, wondering if Aizawa had woken up on the wrong side of his afro.

'Wow… I should give myself two pity points for that one.'

"Uh… Aizawa…?"

"… … wait, _L_?!"

The door popped open not even a minute later, revealing a very nearly naked Aizawa clothed in nothing but a very-much-open robe.

"OH MY GOD, MY EYES! MY POOR, INNOCENT, SEMI-VIRGINAL EYES!"

_**SLAM!**_

L raked at his eyes, praying to whatever entity that might've existed and was actually listening to burn out the image now pasted over his retinas and grant him the wish of forever erase that image from his memory banks.

"GOD DAMN IT, L, WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?!"

'Raito… Raito naked… Raito naked and covered in whip cream… Raito naked and covered in whip cream and chained to our bed in handcuffs while struggling violently… against… his… restraints-Oh shit, now I'm giving myself a _hard-on_…'

"Damn it!"

'Pickles… pickles with peanut-butter… pickles with peanut-butter with a glass of milk… Not… working… damn it… CHOCOLATE CAKE AND OREOS SPRAYED WITH VANILLA ICING AND POSSIBLY SOME STRAWBERRY ICE-CREAM WITH SOME COLOR-CRAZY RAINBOW SPRINKLES!'

That seemed to do the trick!

L let out a little sigh as he scrubbed at his eyes and blinked up at the still-closed door. "So much better…"

"Can't you give me a little warning next time?!"

"Aizawa is the one who opened the door! For once, I am free of any and all blame!" Pointing at the door with vehemence, L smirked as an old woman down the hall popped open her door and snuck a peak at just who was causing all the commotion within her home. "Aizawa attempted to visually-rape my eyes with his practically-naked body! I no longer wish to copulate with _anyone _thanks to you, Aizawa! Live with the regret and get some damn pants on!"

Ignoring the scandalized frown painted onto the old woman's face before she slammed her own door shut, L continued on with his tirade, inwardly laughing at his own good (_Good? Only L would think so…_) luck.

"Do you know how much pornography I will have to watch just to erase the image from my memory banks?!"

"… … I have no comeback for that, considering I'm pretty sure that all you do IS probably watch porn all day, L."

"That's not true! I have Raito!"

"That… is so disturbing to even think about. How the hell does Raito _not_ keep himself from falling over on a daily basis?"

"Well for one thing, I do not oppose any nudity on Raito's part, even if it is not a part of our happy-fun-time. In fact, it's strongly encouraged at any time of the day, and for any activity we may have. Naked breakfast… naked lunch… naked snack-time-"

"You actually have a _naked snack_-_time_?"

"Naked dinner… trips to the bathroom, which always seem to require him to take _all _of his clothes off for whatever reason necessary… naked work-time, which always results in _wonderful_uses of paints and paintbrushes… uh… am I missing anything, Aizawa?"

"How the hell should I know, you sexual freak of nature?!"

"… I think I like that nickname a lot better than the old classic 'pervert'. It holds more of an 'oomph' to it if you ask me."

Aizawa nearly snarled as he threw the door open, now dressed in a pair of jeans and a worn-out pullover sweater falling over his thighs. "What the hell do you want, L?!"

"I just wanted to see my favorite manager ever… WITH CLOTHES ON, DAMN YOU!"

"Now why do I have a feeling that this little social visit isn't as innocent as you make it seem to be?" Aizawa sarcastically pointed out as he threw himself down on his couch and ran a hand through his slightly greasy curled locks. "Since Raito has oh-so-kindly informed me of the impending arrival of the children, which you look _so _anxious to receive, and how Raito's budding relationship with said children seem to scare you shitless…"

"That is not true, Aizawa. I am not fearful about neither Raito's relationship with these… _children_, nor am I frightened about how strained this may make my own relationship with Raito. So what if he will likely become so enamored with these children and slowly but surely become distant with me! I do not care if my own lack of parental supervision leaves something to be desired or that I myself am not excited in their arrival in the least! Raito and I shall be fine, and this will _not _create a wedge in our partnership!" L gave the man a rabid glare as Aizawa raised an eyebrow and stifled the knowing smirk ready to settle itself over his lips before it could even begin to formulate into a full-fledged amused grin. "We are both fine, and things shall not go sour between us! … … So stop insinuating otherwise!"

"… … You do realize that I didn't even say anything about both your and Raito's relationship with each other, right?"

_Insert sweat-drop and face-of-shame here._

"… Shut up."

"_Right_. Nice come back by the way." Taking out a packet of cigarettes, Aizawa sighed as he popped one out and shook his head. How did he end up with this nut-job of a client again? "How about you cut through all the bullshit and just tell me what you need to tell me so I can then wipe your annoying ass little face with all the truth you can handle? I have two hours before my wife and kid get home, and quite frankly, I was hoping for a little 'me' time if you get my drift…"

"… … I would rather not get any sort of drift you are trying to send my way, Aizawa. You are both married and unattractive, and I, at least, have standards."

"Stop being such a damn pervert and just say what you have to say before I break your face in seven different places, L!"

"_Fine._" Aizawa nearly smashed his own head into the table as L then proceeded to stare at him with wide vacant eyes, pulling at the jeaned material stretched over his knees in a manner that simply _grated _on the older man's poor nerves. "… … … I do not know what to say, Aizawa."

"Dear sweet Jesus, how the hell does Raito deal with this _all the time_?!"

"Even I ask myself that same question, Aizawa."

"Damn it, L, you're confused."

"Why, yes, yes I am."

"Befuddled."

"I do so agree."

"You don't even know what you're saying at this point, do you?"

"No, not in the least."

"Well, then-"

_**SMACK**_!

"I DID NOT APPRECIATE THAT IN THE LEAST AIZ-"

_**SMACK!**_

"STOP I-"

_**SMACK! **_

"I HAVE MASE, AND I KNOW HOW-"

_**SMACK!**_

"... I CONCEDE, I CONCEDE-"

_**SMACK!**_

"STILL GOT NOTHING TO SAY, YOU PATHETIC EXCUSE FOR A MAN?!"

"EXCEPT PLEASE STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR GIANT HAIRY MAN-HANDS?"

_**SMACK!**_

"What was that one for?! I said I conceded!"

"… … Just because. Can't I have a bit of fun once in awhile?"

"… … Not if that fun includes me getting hit in the face."

Aizawa lifted his hand one more time, ready to hit the hard-headed artist once more-

"AIZAWA!" Pulling back before his manager could cock his hand back far enough for an effective blow and bruise his already sensitive and delicate skin, L gave his friend a rather vicious glare (_for him, anyway_) along with a disturbing twitch of the lips. "Please do not backhand me again, or I shall be forced to scar you in far worse ways than you could ever imagine."

"Considering you are as freaky as you are, I'll take that threat with a grain of salt."

"… Thank you."

"Now, are you done being a whiny little girl?"

"Are you done hitting me?"

"… L, stop being such a prick and just spit it out."

"I am parentally-retarded, Aizawa."

"And this bothers you… why? You've always gone by the beat of your own drum, why does _this _suddenly freak you out above all else?"

"I am about to become a father to three unruly children that are all _in love _with Raito, and you are asking me about why I am perturbed by the fact that I _know _that I will not be able to handle them?!" L gawked over at his manager, now questioning _his_observational skills. "I know you are not the sharpest blade in the drawer, Aizawa, but I think being socially-inept and parentally-inept are two completely separate things!"

"Raito wouldn't do something like this if he didn't think you couldn't do it either, L. And I think this goes beyond just a bit of insecurity on your part and… well…"

"What?"

"I never told you this, but when Namikawa-san first hired me, he did mention something about… your past experiences with orphanages and how your family was…"

"Murdered?"

"Yeah." Leaning back against his couch, the older man gave the disheveled artist a leveling look that seemed to say everything he _couldn't_. "All things considered, you could have come out of it all a lot more messed up. But for the most part, you are kind of… sort of… _stable_."

"I believe that is the closest thing to a compliment that Aizawa has ever given me." Watery eyes with faux-wonderment danced with glee as Aizawa nearly sputtered in embarrassment. "If I had the ability, I would _so_ be blushing right now."

"See, and then you say things like _that_ and make me want to punch you in the face!"

"DON'T!" Ducking his head between his knees, L pulled his arms up in self-defense.

Aizawa grinned for a second-

"… … Two for flinching!" L let the man punch him on the shoulder, eyes twitching erratically. "Anyways… L, you're going to have to talk to Raito about this. It's the only way for you to get over it, since I think the fact that you're holding it in is hurting you more than the actual knowledge of such a painful past is. This is stemming from the fact that you hardly keep anything from Raito now, and now you are split from doing something you've done your whole life and becoming accustomated to doing something against your now docile nature."

"… … Has Aizawa ever dabbled in psychiatric care?"

"L, I was your live-in manager for more years than I care to think about. If I didn't learn something about the human psyche, (yours in particular) I would have quit a long, _long _time ago."

"That is so relieving to hear."

"Of course it is. I usually know just what to say in these types of situations, don't you think?"

"If I disagree, will I be physically-harmed again?"

"Yes."

"Then Aizawa is absolutely correct." The artist mumbled, absently rubbing his now sore shoulder with a tender hand. For a moment, the frustrated manager just stared at his client, eyes radiating with disappointment and actual concern.

"… … Why did you come here, L? You don't need me to do this for you, anymore. Hell, you're past the point of even listening to me lecture to you about things you already know. Why come here, when you already know that the only person who can really put you at ease is the person whose still waiting for you to get home?" L shrugged, not looking as perturbed as he was most definitely feeling. "I suppose you may call this an exorcism of old demons, then." Smiling back at his old friend, L felt a bit liberated in knowing that without this crucial step, he would have fallen behind into his old habits and alienate the one person who seemed to (_rather stupidly, L thought to himself on more than one occasion_) hold him in such high esteem.

Though to get Raito to actually admit that out loud was on par to actually getting a chance to fulfill his 'lifelong' dream of having a week-straight sex-marathon filled with nothing but safety words and strange fetishes along with the gorgeous artist who seemed to be _in_ _love_ with the word _no_.

"After their arrival, I am afraid that I shall be finally forced to 'grow up', Aizawa."

"What are you, Peter Pan?" The joke, though stale, brought up the desired effect as L gave the man a tiny smile and a wave of his hand. "You're going to do fine, L. You don't have to give up your personality or redefine who you are or where you came from just because you have suddenly have kids. Believe it or not, you really can have your cake, and eat too in this case."

"I shall miss Aizawa's strange lectures and flashes of uncontrollable anger once my schedule is full of children's playtimes and snychronized sexual activities."

"_Please. _You know that anytime you need advice, I'll be here for you, L. Just because you're a parent, doesn't mean that you suddenly have to handle everything in the universe on your own." Aizawa hesitated for just a moment. "And please stop telling me about any sexy-times that you may or may not have in the past, present or future. I'm already all sorts of fucked-up, let's not do any more damage."

"Thank you, Aizawa. I shall promptly ignore the whole second half of your quotation and will be sure to take you up on that offer sooner rather than later." Was the last thing Aizawa heard before L disappeared behind the now closed door, leaving the afro-haired man to his half-hidden porno-mags, collection of hair-picks and various amounts of children toys lying around the apartment in a disarray.

"God bless the kids that are about to enter _that _world of crazy…"

Though if Aizawa knew anything about the sort of luck that both men had, he knew he should probably feel much, much more sorry for _Raito_.

* * *

L quietly sighed as he opened his apartment door and slipped out of his battered sneakers, blinking as a now spotless living room and kitchen met his obsidian gaze. Tiptoeing over the now sparkly hardwood floor, L practically bounced towards the stairs until Raito's robust man-purse caught his eye.

Picking up the large carry-case and slapping the strap over his shoulder (_and twitching as the sudden weight now bound over his shoulder tempered his steps_), L slouched up the stairs as quietly as he could and took in a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for the inevitable onslaught of prissy dickishness that he was sure was coming his way.

Large dark eyes innocently scanned the dim-lit hallway and all the doors apparently still left open after his quick disappearance.

'Protect the goodies… protect the goodies… protect the goodies… You know where Raito is going to aim for if you don't-'

"Raito?" The older man called out, steadying himself forward as he peeked in from doorway to doorway. Still finding no sign of his put-off partner, L stopped before the last door on his right, for the first time hesitant to actually enter his (_their_) bedroom. "Raito, are you there?"

"Mmph…"

"You're sleeping?" L questioned as he peeked over the frame of their door, the sight of Raito bundled up on their bed fully clothed

"Not anymore. Welcome home." Raito muttered under the mountain of pillows, not looking the least bit confrontational… for once. "Hm. You're not still PMS-ing, are you?"

"No…" The dark-haired man muttered as he dropped the bag by their door and fumbled around the bed, Raito's drowsy brown-eyed gaze following him at every angle. "Go back to sleep if you're tired, Raito. We'll… talk later."

"Wait." Raito sleepily called out, scrubbing at his eyes as he stretched attractively across the bed. "My bag… look in my bag…"

Giving his boyfriend a dubious glance over his shoulder, L kicked the other man's bag with his bare foot.

"Just open it you idiot."

Prodding the shut case open with a two-finger grip, the usually disheveled artist felt his eyes narrow at the sight of the _incredibly _familiar banana yellow manila folder that immediately stuck out from all the other crap that lay inside the purse-like contraption.

"Where did you get this, Raito?" Though he knew _exactly _where Raito received the _damned _folder, L could not help the escape of the words as they flew out of his mouth.

"Somewhere." Sitting up from his prone position on the soft mattress, Raito pulled his legs in a mock-position that L usually adapted for himself. "Are you angry that I have it?"

"… … Have you looked inside it, yet?"

Shaking his head in the negative, the brunette smirked as the older man stared at him for a moment before bringing his gaze back down to the mass of papers held in his hands.

"Shall we save this for a rainy day, Raito?" L whispered, throwing the folder onto the floor next to their bed and sullenly shrugging his slumped shoulders with impossibly wide eyes.

"Well, that depends; are we going to talk about this, or are you going to keep acting like you don't want me to know the truth about how you feel? Because to be honest, I can't live like this with you, feeling like there's some sort of divide that was never there before all this happened. I didn't want it to be this hard, but it sure seems that you are dead set in making it to be that way."

"I have not kept a lot of things from you in the last two years that we've been together. It's difficult for me to open up about something I've hoped to keep hidden even before 'we' existed." Struggling with his own inability to say what he knew needed to be said (_which was insane, because L always was in perfect control of how he felt and how to handle every situation at hand_), the raven-haired artist with deep, dark eyes wavered in his resolution of speech. "I don't want to lose you, but I-"

"I'm scared." Raito suddenly blurted out, startling the man beside him. "I am freaking terrified of this. I have never felt this way before… I love you, you know. But it never really hit me until I saw those kids and realized that I wanted this to _really _work. I'm sorry if I gave you the impression that I was super ready for this change, but I'm scared too, L. This isn't easy for me either, but I want to do this with _you_. You have _always _said that I'm your only family now… but I'm giving you the option to make it bigger. These kids aren't just looking up to me, here, no matter what you might think."

Surging at the triumphant feeling of accomplishment at the hasty speechlessness on his lover's part, Raito wearily stood up on tired feet and met the other's harsh stare head-on. "We're both two people who have had to look out for ourselves most of our lives. When we met each other, it was like kindle to a fire; we were explosive. We get along so well because we understand each other without having to explain ourselves. All I'm really asking you for here is to branch a little. Make this a real home."

"I am going to mess these kids up, and whatever is in that folder is going to reaffirm that fact for you."

"So am I!" Raito laughed as L snorted, actually looking a bit amused on the matter (_a first, really_). "In fact, I'm pretty sure they're going to mess us up in return. But it'll be fun, won't it?"

Giving Raito another dubious glance, L suddenly burst out into an awkward fit of guffaws as Raito burst out into laughter alongside him. Smiling over at his lover with unrestrained giddiness, Raito threw himself forward and tackled the man headfirst onto the bed.

"Only you would think of being mentally-scarred by crazy children as being… _fun_, Raito-kun."

And it was then that Raito realized that it paid to be willing to admit you were wrong or sorry about something…

_Especially when you really weren't._

Raito giggled into the kiss as L flipped them over and pushed him onto the bed, cold pale hands creeping underneath the now un-tucked shirt and traced over the warm patch of tanned skin that seemed to _always_ be receptive to his touch.

"Three days from now, we're about to most likely screw up the rest of our lives by probably rushing into something neither of us is ready for. You ready to finally face the music?"

"No." Laying his head down at the crook of his lover's neck, L glanced over at the folder lying down on the floor…

The smile still narrowly etched over his lips.

"But I think I'll be alright."

Turning off the light beside him, L set to work on proving to his lover just how _alright_ he was going to be…

"… … _Pervert_."

"I prefer the term sexual freak of nature now, Raito-kun."

"Do I even want to ask?"

"… … No, Raito-kun. Not really."

"… O… k…"

And Raito decided then (_as well_) that L was right.

He really, _really_ didn't want to know.

* * *

_**Three Days Later…**_

* * *

Raito and L both knew _something _had to be up when they entered the recreational room, and nothing but a whole lot of silence and many sets of wide-eyed stares met their astonished faces.

"Why is everyone staring at us, Raito-kun?"

"I… honestly don't know, L."

"_Is that them?" _

"_Yeah…" _

"_They must be angels sent down by God himself if their taking all __**three **__of them…"_

"_Or mentally unstable themselves!"_

"_Shhhh!"_

"May I ask why everyone is staring at both my companion and myself as if we are basking in a glow of heavenly light?" Though L received no answer to his question, the strange staring continued as if nothing was said at all. "… … Raito, is my fly down?"

"_No_. Jeez, don't flatter yourself, L…" Raito scoffed, mentally asking himself the same thing as he glanced down at his zipper.

_Nope, all in check. _

"Excuse me, Mister!"

"Yes, miss?" Raito summoned his most charming smile as the young girl next to him giggled up at the handsome man in front of her.

"Are the two of you stupid?" A child with curly blonde hair and bright blue eyes suddenly asked, pulling on Raito's sleeve with pudgy, sticky fingers. "Ai-chan keeps saying that anybody who is willing to put up with Mihael's screaming must either be a real moron or deaf."

"OI!"

The small girl jumped up before Raito could even say anything in return, a head of blonde hair and a voice made of breaking glass interrupting either of them before they could continue further.

"Oh my God, the two of you actually showed." Mail blurted out beside his now-brother, orange goggles glistening even more than usual under the bright flourscent lights.

"You doubted us?!"

"… … We didn't actually think you were serious when you said today would be the day." Nate whispered behind Mihael, actually looking every bit as shy as he pretended to be when Raito was around. "We're really… going _home_?"

Both Mail and Mihael seemed just as stunned as Raito nodded, ready to burst into tears at any second.

L almost gagged obnoxiously.

"Yeah."

L refused to admit that he was feeling a similar emotion clog his own throat, remembering feeling the same way as these three children were feeling now years and years ago, in a time where _he_ had fought to be accepted by someone for being himself, and no one else…

"Are all of you packed?" The older artist asked suddenly, not looking behind him to see the large grin hanging off his lover's lips. "If so, I believe that we may leave now. All the papers are signed, and you are all officially under Raito's surname-"

"Hold up! Before we go… there's one last thing I wish to do." Mihael suddenly announced as the two men in front of him gave him a strange look. "I want to say something to all the kids and counselors and caretakers that have fucked us up in the amount of time that I, myself and my two companions here have had to stay here. One thing, and one thing only, then I shall shut the hell up and get the heck out of here. Pay attention… I'm only saying this once, and I'm pretty sure that both Mail and Nate hold the same sentiments, after the time and care all of you have had to develop this craziness that infects us to this day."

Mihael gave every single person within the room a serious stare as they kept their awkward gazes on the blonde child who usually was screaming off the top of his damn lungs.

"Fuck. You. All. Up. The. _Ass_."

"…"

"I think that pretty much covers anything, and everything, I honestly wish to convey. You guys got anything you wish to contribute before we go?"

"Nope."

"I concur. I believe that Mihael has covered all the bases."

"Already, then. Dad. L. Let's party. Oh, and just as an after-thought, I hope you all die horrible deaths, and that your children come to hate you with the same animosity as I do. Don't say no to drugs, because that's all you'll pretty soon have left in this world, and I hope that each and every one of you gains at least two STD's in this life-time, one of them automatically being genital herpes, since I know at least three people in this room already hold the _high prize_. Just saying; Chlamydia and Gonorrhea is probably in your future as well. Peace out, dumbasses; Don't kill yourselves with your stupid while we're living the high-life. Brothers… roll out."

Ignoring the stifling laughter that Mail seemed to be dying of, Mihael grabbed his bags and stomped out of the recreational room for the last time, beckoning the other two children with just a nod of the head. Raito looked absolutely mortified as L himself simply looked absolutely amused, already slouching after his three brand-spanking new children (_who already seemed to inherit his art of saying whatever the hell they wanted to say, and with __**style**_) with a giant creepy smile slapped on his face.

"Uh… thank… you?"

The entire room stayed incredibly silent as Raito scampered out of the orphanage, not one person quite sure just what to say.

Well, that was a lie.

"_How did he know we have genital herpes?!" _

At least one person knew just what to say, after all.

* * *

Damn, even I didn't expect to finish this chapter so fast. Though with the way I used to update, I probably shouldn't be surprised. XD I suppose this is the part of the story were I say chaos will reign supreme and blah, blah, blah... but I won't, because I don't want to jinx myself. ^.^ Though I do promise a lot of difficulty for our dear, new parents, and some crazy shizzle that I _know_ is looming over the horizon. I'm going to try to update this story every couple of weeks now that I have the time, but please don't hold me to that. -.-; Thanks for reading, you guys!

__

_Side-Note: This chapter is brought to you today by Valtrex. Valtrex; for all your blistery, puss-filled, disgusting looking groin outbreaks. If you have genital herpes, then you should fucking take some damn Valtrex. Please. We don't need to hear about how uncomfortable your crotch feels, nor wonder about how creepy it looks when you try to describe said image to us. And so remember, the word of the day, kids, is Valtrex. _


	16. Parental Advisory Not Necessary

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Sixteen: _Parental Advisory Not Necessary_

* * *

"WAIT!"

Raito nearly had a heart-attack as a familiar old man with an intensely creepy moustache burst out through the orphanage doors and flagged the newly-assembled family down before they could even reach the tall gates that (Raito believed) protected the general public from the building full of psychos.

"Yagami-san, wait!" The two adults (_if you could call them that_) and three children (_malicious little imps, really_) stopped in their tracks, sweat-dropping in various degrees as the elderly man stumbled over his feet and trudged into a rather ungraceful stop in front of Raito. "Uh… Everyone else… can just… do whatever it is they were doing."

Giving L a small push backwards, Raito gave the old caretaker a moment as he huffed and puffed, blue eyes wavering from place to place in an ecstatic motion of nervousness. "Yes, Whammy-san? Is there something I forgot to sign?"

"No, no, that's not it at all!" Still trying to gasping out of breath, Quillsh Whammy wiped the sweat off of his forehead and gave the boys and artist teetering behind the savvy young man a cursory glance, neither frustration nor indifference underlying witin its original intent. "I just… I need to make sure that you're fully prepared for this, Yagami-san. Have you, perhaps, taken a glance at L's file, per chance?"

"No, not yet. Does it really matter at this point? All the paper work is signed, legally, everything is sound-"

"You _don't _understand, Yagami-san. In fact, I dare say that you don't know what you're walking into if you haven't seen the fa-"

"Listen, I think it's a little too late for 'warnings', don't you?" Scoffing at the disbelieving look of astonishment set on Whammy's face, Raito brushed back his auburn bangs rather haughtily. "_Really _too late for warnings…"

"I am not trying to admonish you towards anything biased on the children's behalf, Yagami-san. I know you will be able to handle the children, it's L that-"

"It may be difficult to tell from the way L acts, but he's really not a child, anymore Whammy-san. Neither I nor you can keep looking after him, waiting for him to fail just because of something that happened years before either of us came into the picture." Raito patted the older man on his back as he re-adjusted the strap hanging off of his shoulder, loose jacket and crisp blue shirt hanging comfortably over his khaki cargo pants. In Quillsh's mind, he already seemed to uptake the position of parent quite nicely, even if he didn't realize _just_ how much trouble he was sifting his way through by _not _keeping himself informed. "And I think it's about time that you stop treating him as such. I appreciate everything you've done, and as soon as I'm able, I'll drop off the folder you lent me and leave everything up to fate and chance. I really can't ask for anything more."

Before Quillsh could finish what he was saying, Raito turned and practically sashayed himself out of the orphanage, unknowingly setting himself on a path of inevitable migraines, constant confusion and permanent PMS.

Instead of stopping the man once more and perhaps letting him know exactly what he meant with his cryptic messages and overt scare tactics, Quillsh Whammy allowed the stunning brunette to walk out without a single peep out of his mouth.

'Eventually, Yagami-san, I know you are going to be coming back for some answers…' Making his way back inside the gigantic building where countless more orphans and troubled counselors were waiting for his assistance, the elderly caretaker decided to take Raito's advice and leave everything up to 'chance' and 'fate'.

'And they are _not _going to be for the questions you think you'll have in the near future…'

* * *

"We're here!" Raito almost squealed as the car came to a stop, the three kids behind him squirming in their booster seats (_booster seats that had almost __**not**__ been purchased because __**somebody **__thought they would be ok without them…_) and holding in various smiles of excitement…

All except for Nate, who for some reason kept glancing about with a fairly disinterested look perched on his face, looking just a bit on the creepy side.

Raito was pretty sure he was going to have to get used to that pretty quickly-

'And luckily for me, I'm used to people staring at me creepily as I do various tasks throughout the day!'

'_And night!_' A strange, disembodied voice whispered in the man's ear; a voice he refused to acknowledge, mind you.

Though the pretty brunette knew that was a _different_ kind of creepy altogether…

"Wow…" Mihael whispered as he undid his seat belt at the same time as Mail, both of whom then proceeded to try to climb over each other in an attempt to be the first to get out. "What the hell, Mail!"

"Get the hell off me, you ass!"

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING AN _ASS_, YOU JACKHOLE?!"

"Daddy, Mihael just screamed in my ear!"

"TATTLE-TALE!"

"NU-UH! OW! DADDY, MIHAEL JUST HIT ME OVER THE HEAD!"

"AND HE JUST STEPPED ON MY HAND AND FOOT! YOU FREAKING BASTARD, I'LL SHANK YOUR ASS!"

"SAY WHAT?!"

"BOYS, CALM YOURSELVES DOWN RIGHT THIS _INSTANT_!"

As soon as the words were echoed within the car, all movement and sound came to a sudden halt.

"One. At. A. _Time_, please." Raito strained, the aftereffects of the 'new-parent-feeling' wearing off fairly quickly. "Or I'll have _L_ go back there and, he'll-"

"WE'RE FINE!" Raito and L blinked simultaneously, not expecting the perfect chorus of three children's voices to attack them at once, surprising even the brunette at how intimidating his lover seemed to be.

'And he's likely to be the push-over between the both of us!'

Though it was probably best not to let the children know all that…

Bursting out of the car like a typhoon on multiple legs, Raito rushed to stay in front, making sure they actually went in the right directions (_and didn't bother the other residents __**too**__ much while they were at it_) and followed him into the correct apartment. A couple strides forward and one elevator ride later, Raito popped open their door and practically shoved the three of them inside, itching to see their reactions.

"Daddy… is this… really where you and the strange man that keeps staring at your backside live?" Raito sweat-dropped as Nate curled a lock of silvery hair with one hand and peeked up at his father beneath his brightly-lit shade of fringe, L giving a thumbs-up as Mail and Mihael snickered next to him.

"… … Yes, Nate. We really do live here. I promise."

"OH MY GOD, IT'S **DONE!**" Mihael suddenly screeched out, dropping his bags at the door as he ran inside, waving his arms in the air… almost like he just didn't care.

Raito laughed at the gradually excited looks that splurged themselves on all three of their young faces, not noticing the tiny grin infecting his lover's own face as their children (_oh god… children… THEY WERE PARENTS NOW!_) began bouncing up and down, the blonde and redhead screaming at the top of their lungs as the smallest of the bunch actually giggled into his hands.

"MIHAEL, WE HAVE HIT THE MOTHERLOAD! I REPEAT, **WE HAVE HIT THE MOTHER-FLIPPING-LOAD-OF-AWESOME-GREATNESS**!" Mail bounced enthusiastically before bounding for the stairs, the two other children trailing after him in a stampede of tiny limbs and brightly-colored hair.

"I CALL FIRST BEDROOM!"

"NO, _**I DO**_!"

"DADDY, MIHAEL KEEPS TRYING TO PUSH ME DOWN THE STAIRS!"

"I SAID STOP BEING SUCH A DAMN TATTLE-TALE, NATE!"

"NU-UH! I AM _NOT _A TATTLE-TALE!"

Raito sighed as he then waited for it…

"DADDY, MIHAEL JUST PUNCHED ME… AGAIN!"

And was not the least bit surprised when he wasn't thoroughly disappointed in the least.

"Is Raito-kun _absolutely sure _he wishes to do this to himself?" L muttered just behind the stunning brunette, making the younger man face-fault in exasperation. "… … and to _me_, as well?"

"I'm sure you'll be able to handle it all just fine, L." Raito waved his hand in a dismissive manner, not the least bit concerned (_for the moment_) "They can't be _this _obnoxious _all the time_, right?"

"Raito-kun, that depends. Am I this perverted," L then proceeded to grab his lover's behind, smirking at the handful of sunshine within his grasp. "All the time."

"… … Shut up and get your hand away from my ass, you corndog."

"I think 'horn-dog' more or less describes my ambient nature a bit better than corndog does, Rai-chan. And I am only attempting to assuage Raito's irritation now before it interrupts our 'together' time later on."

Swatting the older man's hand off of his now-bruised goodies, the presumptuous brunette tossed his head to the side in an effort to regain just a bit of his lost dignity. "Whatever you say, you useless perver-"

_**CRASH!**_

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAD! LOOK AT WHAT MIHAEL DID!"

"NATE DID IT, NOT ME!"

"NO I DIDN'T!"

"YES YOU DID!"

"TAKE IT BACK, TAKE IT BACK! DADDY, MAKE HIM TAKE IT BACK!"

Raito nearly smacked himself in the face, not noticing as L slumped past him and made his way into the kitchen, where a beautiful piece of strawberry shortcake sat waiting for him.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! MY UPPER TORSO _**BURNS**_!"

"STOP BEING SUCH A BIG BABY, MAIL!"

"DON'T MAKE ME BITCH-SLAP YOU, YOU IGNORANT WANNABE BOY-TOY! _AND LET GO OF MY NIPPLES, YOU FUCKING QUEER!_"

"**WHO ARE YOU CALLING A WANNABE BOY-TOY, YOU OBNOXIOUS SACK FULL OF CRAP?! I'LL MURDER YOU IN YOUR SLEEP AND FEED YOUR PINKYS TO YOUR PLAYSTATION LIKE IT'S AN AFTERNOON DELIGHT, YOU MORONIC MIDGET!**"

"FOR THE LAST TIME, _WE'RE THE SAME SIZE, MIHAEL_! THINK OF BETTER INSULTS, AND MAYBE I'LL STOP IMPLYING YOUR GAY!"

"YOU SAID WHAT, NOW?!"

"I SAID I'M GONNA SHOVE MY FOOT SO FAR UP YOUR ASS, YOU'LL BE CHEWING ON LEATHER AND GLUE FOR A DAMN WEEK, NOW SHUT THE HELL UP!"

"Or… maybe I'm just _hoping_I'm ready for this and killing myself in the process." Raito whispered to himself as he took in a deep breath and began his long (_he'd make it long, damn it_) trek upstairs, not sure if he wanted to see the mess that was already waiting for him.

'How has it only been fifteen minutes, damn it?!'

Today… was going to be a long day.

* * *

And strangely enough-

It _was_.

It really, **really**_ was_.

"This is your room, Nate!"

Raito swung the door that was right next to his and L's open, smiling as the tiny boy peeked in over his long legs and blinked in classic child-like curiosity. The colorful pattern of the toy-train wallpaper nearly threw the boy off as his eyes widened comically for a moment, before settling back into their normally dazed glaze. The twin-sized bed and bureau, along with the two nightstands and desk centered just a bit away from the bed itself, did nothing to detract from the toy-wonderland-esque nature of the room.

Both Mail and Mihael, whom had been standing by the other side of the door frame, nearly tripped over their own feet as the amount of stuffed animals, toys and creepy dolls stared down at them from all directions.

"This will do." Nate muttered to himself, giving Raito a small hug before waddling into the room and grabbing a box of Matchbox toy cars, plopping down in the middle of the rugged floor as he tore through the packaging of his toys. "Thank you for showing me to my room, daddy."

Raito didn't know whether to be relieved or scared.

"Uh-huh… you're… welcome?" Mail just pushed the man away from the door, knowing he'd probably faint from the inevitable nosebleed about to erupt from the cuteness (_or gut-twisting creepiness, depending on who was watching_) of the scene before him. "Right. And this is both yours and Mihael's room, Mail!"

Both boys didn't even hesitate in their rushing steps as Raito opened the door just across the hall from Nate's room-o'-toy-gasm

"…"

"…"

"Boys…?" Raito nearly poked them on their sides as two sets of wide eyes (_one set conveniently shaded by tangerine shades_) scoured the large room that would now inhabit them, one side of the wall completely covered in shelves of video-games, gaming systems and a large space for a TV set right smack dab in the middle of the wall while the other side of the room seemed devoted to a violent-person's paradise; decorated with random posters of action/adventure movies and guns...

Lots...

And lots...

Of _guns_.

"This is like a gamer's wet-dream-turned-paradise." Mail could swear he could hear the choirs of angels singing behind his adoptive father, basking him in some kind of heavenly glow…

Or it could have been his goggles.

Whatever.

"…Where have you been all of our lives?" Mihael squeaked, wondering if this was all a big joke. Really, the boy wouldn't be surprised if Raito then turned around and said that he was just kidding around about the adoption and that this was all just for show.

"Here, waiting for you." Raito smirked as the two boys tackled him onto the ground, laughter filling the open hallway along with shrieks of joy.

"… Daddy?"

"Yeah, Nate?" Raito snickered as the boys jumped up and down on his stomach, knowing that he was going to bruise later, and not quite caring for once.

"I think I made a boo-boo…"

"What do you me-_Crap_!" Raito rushed out of the room filled with still-excited screeches as he jumped over to Nate, not noticing the tears bundling up in the corners of both of the boy's eyes. "Darn it- THAT DOES _NOT_ GO IN YOUR MOUTH, NATE!"

"Heh… he said _'in your mouth_'." Mail snorted as he attempted to stifle the wayward grin overcoming his lips. "I wonder what could fit in _your _mouth, Mihael."

"… … Just wondering for future reference on your own preferences for when you make incredibly stupid comments; do you want to get punched in the mouth now, or later on?"

"Ha, ha, I meant a penis!"

"I guess that means now. GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE, MAIL! YOU'RE GOING TO BE SHITTING OUT OF YOUR EARS BY THE TIME I'M DONE WITH YOU!"

"… Seriously? That's _possible_?"

"In Mihael's world, I believe everything of the like is possible." Nate rubbed the corners of his mouth as he magically appeared alongside Mail, cheeks flushed a bit red. "Like him not being an idiot, for example. Apparently, that is common knowledge in his world."

"Why do the both of you torture me so?!"

"…"

"…"

"HEY, I'M TALKING TO YOU, YOU NITWITS! DON'T JUST IGNORE ME LIKE I'M YESTERDAY'S LEFTOVERS! I'M NOT TALKING TO THE DAMN WALL, I'M-"

_**CRASH!**_

"DAMN IT, MY BIG TOE! I INJURED MY BIG TOE!" Giving Raito a large puppy-dog-stare, Mihael leaned against the wall in pain. "Assistance, please?"

Mail sighed at the sight before him, covering Nate's ears with both hands just in case the rant began anew as Raito shook his head in the background. "And once again; no explanation required. Thanks Mihael for once again saving us the trouble and demonstrating your idiocy for all to see and relish."

"_You're welcome_." Came the cad-like response, Mihael, though having the last word, barely limping off with only a small shred of dignity left. Raito then gave into temptation and smacked himself in the face, knowing that if things kept up the way they were, he was probably in for a _whole _lot of external bruising and sore throats...

* * *

Raito had thought it strange that he had not seen his lover in a couple of hours.

He had, at first, written it off as him being uncomfortable around the children, and not wanting to give off the wrong impression without meaning to.

Then, Raito realized that this was _L _he was thinking about, and promptly shoved that idea off the cliff of his mind and nearly smacked himself in the face _again_.

'Damn it, my beautiful face won't be able to stand all this abuse with the way all this is going!'

And abuse it was getting, it seemed.

Leaving the three children downstairs as they watched some movie off HBO (_which that alone should have set Raito off, but really, he just needed the couple of minutes of silence that the TV had to offer him damn it_), the heart-stopping brunette made his way into the kitchen, ready to reprimand his lover for once again stuffing himself with sweets-

Only to quickly swing his mouth shut at the vast amount of empty space, lack of dirty dishes and relatively closed cabinets.

'Ok...'

Doing an about-face, Raito stealthily made his way up the stairs, giving the deceptively-tranquil children a lingering stare as he did so. They promptly kept their gazes on the screen, not giving any hint that they saw their father leaving them alone in the spacious living room filled with photographs and paintings.

"L?" Raito gently called out, peering into every open door within the long corridor filing down to their bedroom. "L, are you-ACK!"

With a snap of someone else's hand and a pull of his arm, the stunned virtuoso nearly squeaked as he was pulled into both his and L's bedroom and practically thrown onto the bed leaning against the wall, though large enough to inhabit a lot of the room's space. Taking in a deep breath, Raito felt the rant form before he could even articulate the words that would accompany said nagging, yet was interrupted by one tiny detail he forgot to take into account when he had been pushed into the room.

Dark hair obscured his vision as his lips consequently became preoccupied with something else entirely, cold hands coming up and holding down his shoulders so that the younger artist could stay in place.

For a moment, Raito forgot about the children downstairs, most likely waiting for his immediate return, and pushed forward against the other's authoritarian grip, letting the man practically drop him back onto the bed right behind him as he moved his mouth down onto his cheek and neck, the sigh escaping his lips in a feathery exhalation of breath.

Lithe, golden fingers entangled themselves within the impatient man's shaggy dark locks, obsidian-eyes meeting mocha-brown in an instant of electrical shock, the tension within the room sopped with fiery lust. Just as L's lips once again descended back onto Raito's own waiting pair, one of the rough holds over the other's arm trailed its way down the length of his lover's torso and just on the button of his cargo pants, his escalation of breathing the only dead giveaway the only sound in the room-

"Daddy?!" Raito stiffened as Nate's voice escalated into their room, slightly whiny in its tone. "I'm hungry!"

Wide brown eyes snapped open as the ravished artist pushed his lover off of his body and took in a deep breath. Hearing his youngest son call him from the living room, Raito almost made it off the bed-

"L! Get off!" The younger man huffed as the supposedly 'lighter' of the two pushed him back down, hands lingering over his chest in a subtle play of caresses. "I said get the hell off, L, I have to go tend to the kids-OUR kids!"

"But Raito…"

"No. N-O; Nooooooooo. Are you listening? Because I pretty much just said NO!"

"But… _why_?"

"Because!"

"Because _why_?"

"Because I said so!"

"… … … _why_?"

"Damn it, L, don't you have any sense of propriety?!"

"… Uh…"

"DADDY, WE'RE STARVING TO DEATH, AND MIHAEL KEEPS HOGGING THE REMOTE, AND MAIL IS TRYING TO CHEW ON MY ARM, AND, AND, AND I WANT A FUDGE-BAR!"

"I'm sorry, L," The saccharine lilt in Raito's voice let the older man know just how 'sorry' his lover really was, and in turn making him all the more 'uncomfortable', "But there will be _no _sexy-times at this moment in time. I am needed _elsewhere_, please!"

Letting the man sit up, but still not getting off his lap, L pulled slightly at the limp pieces of hair hanging from the side of his face, youthful visage scrunched up in ill-fitted frustration. "Raito, please tell me you are simply playing a very unfunny, very _late _April Fools joke and let us continue with what we were-"

"L! First off, the kids are still awake, and could burst in at any moment. Secondly, THE KIDS ARE STILL AWAKE, AND COULD BURST IN AT ANY MOMENT, YOU SEXUALLY-FRUSTRATED IDIOT!"

"If that is most definitely the case, shouldn't Raito-kun lower his voice so that it does not carry and such an event should occur?"

"… … _Touché_."

"So, Raito-kun, please explain this to me, because I may very well be confused on something that may be a simple matter, and beneath my intelligence."

"Ok."

"What Raito-kun is saying, through his stubborn disinclination towards any and all of the sexual advances from me tonight, is that we may no longer fornicate whenever we should feel the need to do so, nor anywhere we would like within our own home, as long as the children are here and wide awake?"

"Um…"

"Raito."

"Yeah, you pretty much just covered all the bases, L."

"…"

"…"

"Well, _fuck me up a creek without a paddle_."

Watching the thinner of the two tumble out of their bed, Raito winced as the dark-haired artist almost fell flat on his face, stifling a tiny frown at the blow-out about to ensue.

'It can't be _that _big of deal-'

"Get that immediate thought out of your head this instant, Raito, this is something that we should have discussed beforehand!" Waving an indignant fist in the air, the younger of the two sweat-dropped as the fallen man pushed himself up onto the edge of their king-sized bed, usually pallid cheeks cherry-red from the sudden burst of 'righteous' anger flowing out of .

"Alright, then humor me here, _darling_. What exactly is it that needs discussion, L?"

"… … If I truly need to explain what, then I think that Raito needs to get his head out of his behind and back into reality, where he has been missing for the last three months." Before Raito could open his mouth and let out a series of scathing comments that would no doubt end in L not getting any for the rest of the month and leaving Raito immensely satisfied (_if only on the inside_), the 31-year-old artist frog-leapt back onto the bed and on Raito's lap, internally cheering at the sudden 'oomph!' of pain his live-in boyfriend groaned at the harsh contact. "I win."

"L, I _told _you this was going to happen before the kids even _got _here! You can't possibly be so in love with sex that you're willing to get into a _fight _for it, are you?!" Raito almost gave into the urge and dropped himself onto the hardwood floor of their bedroom in the lieu of such an idiotic question.

The dubious silence on L's part did not make things any easier for him, either.

"Besides, I'm not _denying _you sex (exactly), just… postponing the freaky-time to be had until later on." Smiling up at the straight-faced sexual-deviant still sitting on his stomach, Raito poked him in his side and chuckled. "Honestly, with the way you act sometimes, I wonder if anyone's ever denied you anything in your entire life!"

Ignoring the niggling insult for what it was, L huffed, looking every bit the petulant child he knew he was. "I am used to be spoiled by you, Raito-kun. You have only yourself to blame."

"Yeah, well I can't give you everything you want all the time, L. Even I have to have my limits now." Pushing L off him one last time, Raito gave him a sweet smile before slipping off the bed (_even Raito was a bit hesitant to end it like this, but __**one **__of them had to be the adult here_) and practically skipping out of the room with a chuckle.

"Raito-kun cannot leave me like this! Are you listening to me, Raito?!" Waving his arms emphatically, L did not notice how precariously close to the edge of the bed he was as he viciously bounced on the mattress without abandon-

_**CRASH!**_

If this was how Raito felt every time his ass landed on the floor when they first got together, L could certainly say that he sympathized with his lover's past agitation and paranoia.

"Damn it…"

Karma sure was a bitch sometimes.

* * *

After spending some time wrangling up the three children who had then become unstable from lack of sustenance and the dreaded man-killer that was boredom, Raito dropped onto the couch with a heavy sigh and contemplated just how much a nice long nap would probably screw him over in the long run. Glancing over at the digital clock on top of his television set, the exhausted brunette blearily blinked as the sounds of munching kids and rampant roars (_Were they __**still **__watching HBO?!_) floated into his ears, actually managing to lull him into a deep, restful sleep…

"Raito?"

'Huh?' The achingly tired newly-christened father couldn't even move his head as a pair of melancholic orbs of charcoal floated over his face, pale skin and oblong visage dusted off by a messy shag of black. 'Wha's tha'?'

"Rai-chan looks horrible." L concluded, holding back a grin as the kids sitting on the floor giggled quietly to themselves. "Do all of you mind…?"

"Go right ahead, papa-bear! Lay one on him!"

"You would know about laying one on somebody, wouldn't you Mihael?"

"What the hell, Mail?!"

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! You've just been PWNED!"

"I do not approve the molestation of my parental-figures when they are barely able to defend themselves nor conscious enough to acknowledge such distasteful actions." Nate deadpanned, not the least taken back by the sudden snap of his 'adoptive father's' neck and the subdued dirty look he threw his way.

In fact, if L didn't know any better…

'Is this kid… challenging me?' L thought to himself as he sat back next to his snuggle-bunny (_oh, the names he used to bother the crap out of Raito with…_), another pair of dark eyes giving him an intensely strung-out wide-eyed stare (_or was it glare?_) of doom.

L could already tell he was not going to like this kid…

And if L had been paying attention, he would have realized that the 'kid' most definitely did not like him either.

Oh, the horror of the long months to come.

Raito, oblivious to the carnage about to be unleashed on his poor, unsuspecting soul, smiled to himself as his boyfriend twitched beside him unreadily. Snuggling closer to the other now unsatisfied parent of three, and most definitely too tired to actually reprimand him for the hand now lingering over his behind as the kids once again laughed in the background of his hazy thoughts, drifted off into a comfortable, ink-filled slumber.

'It pays to have patience these days…'

And boy, was Raito ever feeling more happiness than he would have ever thought possible!

For _now_, of course.

* * *

Mikami Teru, on the other hand, was having a very, _very_ bad day.

And not just a 'bad day' in terms of 'Oh, work was crappy, my boss was being a crack-head again, my hair was horrible, I can't get my head out of my own ass, etc.'

If _only _those were all the cases.

Instead…

"Raito-sama…"

Instead, his love of his life had gone and practically _purchased _three kids along with that idiot Ryuuzaki and went and… and…

"OH, RAITO-SAMA! HOW COULD YOU?!"

BEGAN A FAMILY WITH THE DISGUSTING PERVERT FROM ALL HELL!

But that wasn't all-

AND HE WAS _ACTUALLY _ENJOYING IT!

'… … Woe is me.'

Rivulets of tears ran down the lawyer's face as the branch he was sitting on swayed slightly, the weight of the man not making the poor branches' job any easier as he practically bounced on the unstable switch of wood.

"WHY DO YOU CONTINUALLY SPURN MY AFFECTIONS AND CHOOSE THAT AWFUL PERVERT TO HAVE A FAMILY WITH INSTEAD ME! _I LOVE YOU, RAITO-SAMA! I LOVE YOU, AND YOUR CRAZY NEUROTIC SEXINESS TO ALL HELL_!"

After watching Raito and the pervert cuddle for a good ten minutes on their leather couch, the three new children they had recently acquired sitting by their feet as they kept themselves occupied by whatever was on the TV at the moment, Mikami could only come to the conclusion that there was something mentally wrong with his handsome artistic God of love.

And _that _was unacceptable.

'Though... this _is _Ryuuzaki, here. How long will he _really _be able to last without Raito-sama's full affections directed at him at all times?!' Cackling at the sudden brainstorm bubbling within his mind, Mikami began his series of convoluted plans, each one aimed at Ryuuzaki, the kids, and of course…

His dearest Raito-sama.

'Oh, Raito-sama! You will be mine yet! And that pervert will come to _**fear **_the name that is Mikami Teru!'

"MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

_**Crrrrraaaaaack-**_

"GWAGH! NOT AGAAAAAAA-"

_**CRASH!**_

"-ain." Twisting his body against the slightly cushiony grass underneath him, Mikami ignored the series of stares and gawks sent in his direction (_like always_). "… … Ow."

An older lady in her mid-seventies almost jumped out of her skin as she blinked over at the now prone lawyer twitching on the sidewalk, almost falling off her spot on the bench before glancing up at the large oak tree and back down at the sprawled, very much injured man groaning in pain.

Taking a bite out of the sandwich which had been situated on her lap, she thought about whether or not she should assist the younger man or not.

"Help…"

Before the woman could even get up, a child on a skateboard slid over the lawyer's back before pointing down at him as he sped away, cackling all the while.

"_YOU GET A JOB!_"

The elderly woman sweat-dropped before biting into her sandwich again, deciding to leave well enough alone.

'Well… that was interesting.'

* * *

Lol. I think I overused the Caps-Lock button a _bit _too much in this chapter... but it was the only way to get my message across without seeming _too _obnoxious. ^.^; God, I am _certainly _going to have fun with these kids. And I mean it.

So.

Much.

_Fun_.

XD And look! Crazy-ass Stalker-Mikami returns with a new plot in hand! And a sexless-very-much-frustrated-L shall grace our presence once more! And last but not least... THE L VS NEAR WAR **_BEGINS_**! Yay. I've been waiting for this for a very long, _long _time. For those who don't know what I'm talking about, I won't ruin it for you. Just enjoy. Lol. But let's not forget the family meetings, either... God, I need a drink _for _this family of lunatics.

On a side-note (like always), I happen to have a poll up on my profile page, you guys! It's just me wondering which of my stories takes precedence in most of my reader's minds when it comes to updating and finishing... so if you have a preference when it comes to any of my stories that need (and I mean _need_) updating, please do place your vote in! I always do enjoy when my readers put their own two-cents in. Literally. I'm poor and need some money, damn it. ^.^; We are in a recession, you guys. Lol. Thanks for reading! (And remember; VOTE LIKE YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT, DARN IT! VOOOOOOOOTE! *Cough*)


	17. Missing the Bigger Picture

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Seventeen:_ Missing the Bigger Picture_

* * *

L pouted as he squashed the pillow he was holding into his tight embrace, the spot beside him on the bed cold and empty, as he had become accustomed to it being for the better part of the last week.

Once upon a time, the anonymous artist had been the one to be up at hellish times in the morning and going to bed at equally disastrous hours (_unless there was a 'special' occasion that would contend with his normal sleeping patterns *wink, wink*_) whilst Raito had kicked, screamed and punched him in assorted spot on his body for the random wake-up calls that he would _never _get used to at the dead of night.

Or at least, L had _thought _he would never get used to them…

Now, Raito was not only going to bed _later _than him, he was waking up _earlier _than him as well!

How that was possible, L would love to know. However, it seemed as if the younger man had taken a vow of silence, and refused to speak with the more successful artistic-entrepreneur for more than a few spare moments at a time each and every day. If they saw each other five minutes out of the day, it was apparently five minutes too much.

'_Woe._' Whispered a voice within L's head, making him wonder if _maybe _he might've over-boarded on the chocolate-covered strawberries the night before…

'Why would you suddenly begin to ignore _me_, Raito-kun, the love of your life, father of our incredibly insane children and deliciously vivacious sexer-upper?'

L ignored the tiny voice in the back of his head that helpfully supplied that it probably had to do with the fact that he had continually attempted to molest and manipulate his lithe beauty into sexy situations at the wrong times (_What was wrong with a little porn while the kids were watching Transformers?! They were being entertained, damn it!_) and…

Well, just sexy situations, really. L needed _his_ special time, too!

And it'd been a good week since he'd had it, damn it!

The older artist just sighed as he dropped off from his side of the bed and slumped over to the door, clad in only his boxers (_though he wished he were in __**less**_). Sneaking out through their large bedroom door, L blinked as the rambunctious sounds of children screaming and stomping about their apartment was absent, the smile on his face almost ear-splitting-

Before realizing that the apartment vacant of children could only mean an apartment empty of Raito, as well.

This did not make for a happy-L.

Oh _no _indeed.

Now grumbling underneath his breath and muttering rather vicious derogatory remarks at the subject matter which had no doubt taken his lover's attention away from him _once __**again**_ (i.e. _crazy-ass kids from the ninth circle from Hell_), the bemused artist put an extra 'oomph' to his steps as he strode down the steps, for once not the least bit happy to see his living room completely cleared of mischievous imps and statuesque figures chasing after them.

'Raaaiiiiittttooooo… come _home_…'

You'd think after years and years of consecutive solitude that L would be used to being alone-

'Yet almost two years of happy bliss with someone I have come to care about more than all the delicious treats in the world, and I am transformed into… well, _this_.'

Disgustedly brushing off the wave of loneliness overcoming his thin frame, the slovenly-half-dressed insomniac slouched into the kitchen with a slight frown perched on his usually-apathetic visage, sloppily scratching his arm in twitchy discomfort.

Just as he had pulled out a large plate along with his usual eating utensils, L blinked as the note attached to the container holding his precious Red Velvet cake sparked his interest, the bright red ink of the words popping out rather viciously against the creamy white of the paper they were written upon.

Ripping off the note, L carefully read each and every word, quite sure that his lover had left it there for a reason.

* * *

_Hey L! _

_The kids and I are out getting them some supplies for their first days of school next week! I'll be getting some groceries too, so I may be a little later than usual today. Just keep the house clean and try not to let Sayu in before I get there. I don't need to be reminded about how much I hate my own genetic combination, nor infect my children with the same kind of hatred._

_We can save that for our next visit to my parent's house on Friday. _(L could just picture the look of exasperated defeat drawn on his lover's visage as he wrote the words, put in a better mood for it) _Unfortunately._

_Love you muchly, (AND DON'T MESS UP MY PERFECTLY CLEAN KITCHEN YOU CANDY-OBSESSED PERVERT, OR I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR JUNK WILL NO LONGER WORK PROPERLY AND YOU WILL NEVER BE ABLE TO HAVE SEX EVER AGAIN IN THIS LIFE OR THE NEXT!_) _wish you were here, (… I SWEAR IT!) and I hope you miss me as much I miss you (which isn't all that much, if truth be told)! _

_-__**Raito**_

* * *

L sighed as he threw the tiny piece paper back onto the counter and plopped right back into the chair perched just behind him, frustrated beyond belief. Not knowing what to do with himself with his lover gone and out of the house, the tired artist pushed the plate back as he popped off the casing surrounding the pastry and sullenly took a bite out of his Red Velvet cake just as it was.

'I'm never going to be able to get laid, am I?'

* * *

"MAIL! _I SAID STOP IT!_"

"… … But I'm not touching you."

"AND?!"

"… That's the question, isn't it?"

"Grr… you're going too far!"

"Woot!" Mail suddenly yelped in his brother's ear, laughing as Mihael nearly tripped over thin air. "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!"

"_Mail…_ I'm _warning _you…"

Raito sighed as he held onto Nate with one hand and scrubbed at his eyes with the other. Mail and Mihael were walking (_or should he say 'squabbling'_) just a few feet in front of him, the younger of the two continually bugging the short-fused firecracker that was Mihael.

"Oh, _really_…" Obviously not knowing when to stop while he was ahead, Mail smirked as his eyes darkened behind his tangerine-colored shades. "I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you, I'm not touching you-"

'Dear Lord, if Sayu and I were anything like this, than I think I owe my parents the biggest apology this side of Japan!'

"I'm not touching you, I'm not touching, I'm not tou-"

_**CRACK!**_

"DAD! MIHAEL JUST PUNCHED ME IN THE FACE!" Mail pouted whilst he held onto his reddening cheek, pointing at the boy now smirking in sadistic satisfaction. "… … AND IT _HURT_!"

"HE WAS BEING ANNOYING!"

"WAS NOT!"

"WAS TOO!"

"WAS NOT!"

"WAS TOO!"

"WAS-"

"_ENOUGH!_"

The crowd surrounding them blinked simultaneously as the young father of barely a week ushered all three children to a corner, giving everyone a shaky smile and tilt of the head.

Ignoring the murmurs of the ambushing mass of idiots swarming around the tiny family (_becoming so accustomed to doing so in L's presence, of course_), Raito gave the two boys in question a vehement glare, shutting them up rather effectively with just a look and a frown.

"I know I may be asking for the impossible, but please," Raito implored, taking on his puppy-dog-eyes as his last resort, "at least just _try_ and get along with each other while we're in an actual public place full of people waiting to stare at the next attraction coming their way. I don't need anyone thinking we're more uncivilized than we actually _are_. Al-_right_?"

Not able to resist the strength of Raito's Super-Duper-Pout/Glare-Of-DOOM, Mail and Mihael both nodded unenthusiastically.

"Yeah." Mail agreed easily enough.

"Whatever." Mihael scoffed, though the tilt forward of his softening dark-blue eyes eased whatever tensions that could have been created from such a remark.

"_Thank you_." Raito barely breathed out as he trotted over to the first store within reach and wiped the sweat off of his brow, not realizing just _who _was just a bare two meters away-

"_RAITO-SAMA!_"

The inevitable sweat-drop/face-fault combination nearly brought Raito to his knees as the three children congregating around his slumped figure blinked up in shock.

This day out and about with the three children from his dreams (_dreams…? Maybe he should rephrase…_) was going to be a _teensy_ bit harder to manage than Raito first thought.

* * *

Matsuda Touta was _not _having the greatest day in his life, and he doubted that his client (_who secretly liked him, even if he proclaimed otherwise_) would be quite so happy with the situation _either_ once the uneager manager was able to get in contact with him.

'Yagami-kun is going to slice me up like a banana and feed me to his kids like a healthy, yet still particularly delicious snack!' The young man nearly wailed in his own mind as he dragged his feet up into the apartment complex and made his way towards the huge mini-penthouse that Raito and L called their home. 'I can't believe I didn't think of this _before _he adopted his darn… kids! Oh God… Yagami-kun actually has _kids_! I wonder why it hasn't sunken in until now…?'

Matsuda gave a silent prayer, hoping that neither man scarred the poor children for life.

Little did Matsuda know that it really was Raito and L he should have been praying for, instead of the 'poor, innocent' children he had yet to actually _know_.

* * *

"RAITO-SAMA, I MISSED YOU!"

Raito swiftly moved to the side before the insane lawyer could throw himself on top of him, twitching cinnamon-brown eyes narrowing at the sight before them.

"OOMPH!"

"That must've hurt." Mail raised an eyebrow as Mihael cackled violently beside him, looking as if he were going to throw-up at any given moment. Nate, the only person still not speaking, continued to gaze silently at the scene before him, still stuck within his own world of magical rainbows and neon-colored Rubik-Cubes.

"BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"I think Mihael's going to suffocate if he keeps laughing like that, dad."

"Mail-"

"-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA-"

"But I'm perfectly ok with that." The young boy gave a thumbs-up, before blinking over at the large mass still situated on the ground before his young (_and, unfortunately, scrumptious_) father. "Uh… nerd-alert, dad…"

Teary eyes enhanced by shining spectacles glanced up at the artist as the fallen man sniffled.

"Raito-sama has grown cruel with his time spent with that _hellish _Ryuuzaki!"

"Ryuuzaki?" The three kids muttered all at once, three sets of eyes all but questioning. "Wha-"

"WELL, LOOK AT THE TIME! It flies like a bullet, really! Uh… thanks for the visit, but I _really _have got to-"

"RAITO-SAMA _DOES _HATE ME, DOESN'T HE?!" Wailing like a cat drenched with cold, slimy water, Mikami Teru released a torrent of tears unlike any other. "AFTER ALL THE LOVE AND DEVOTION I'VE SHOWN THESE PAST YEARS, I'VE EARNED NOTHING BUT _SCORN!_"

"_Oh my god… Look at that poor man crying like a baby on the ground! Does that young stud-muffin have no __**shame**__?!_"

"_I tell you, people these days just don't know how to treat their significant others right…_"

"_Fucking shit-head! First he yells at those beautiful, innocent children, and now he's making grown men _cry_?! What the fuck, dude?!"_

"_I hope he gets run over by the next car he sees, the asshole!_"

"_Here, here!_"

The younger man, now used to such public scorn (_sadly enough_) didn't even bat an eyelash as the bipolar lawyer continued to cry and screech on the ground, the crowd growing all the more massive as he did so, too tired to even get angry or frustrated by the fact.

As for Mihael, Mail, and Nate, all three boys huddled around their parent, wondering just _how _their father got himself into these types of situations, and why they seemed to be dragged into them so readily.

"… … Mikami-kun." Raito began deliberately, eyes glowing with a newfound determination that did nothing but scare away almost everyone within his vicinity. "You've attempted to kidnap me, stalk me, rummage through my things, steal various items from my home to keep for yourself, exploited _my _image for whatever sick fantasies run through your head, _threaten _my lover on more than one occasion and thought of me as nothing but a _possession_ for _years_ and I have continually ignored you feeling all the more sorry for you, even if you did have great tastes in idols, _however_-"

"These," Raito pointed down at the children still scuttled about his form, glaring at the people looking ready to mound their father for defending himself, "are my _children_. You are making a scene and endangering their well-being because your own crazy _far _outweighs any sense of sensibility you may have. So, unless you would like me to call the police and make sure you are _never_ allowed anywhere near me ever again, I would suggest getting up, brushing yourself off and walking away."

Now, for those who knew _Mikami_, they would readily realize that what Raito was asking of the prosecution-attorney was almost impossible. To actually leave his god's presence (_willingly?!_) and not trail after him like a puppy on cloud nine?!

Preposterous!

But, for those who also knew _Raito_, when they saw the deadly resolution set within his darkening eyes and that mouth set across his face in such a straight line, they just _knew…_

It was best to just let things _die_.

Mikami, knowing better than to carry on with his ill-fated dramatics (_that were getting him nowhere, really_), promptly got up and quickly scurried off to the side, dark brown eyes still full of tears. Raito could practically _see _the train of thought going on within the little psycho's brain-

'ALL I WANT IS TO BE LOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEEDDDDDD!'

Raito nearly smacked himself in the face (_this was becoming all too common for poor Raito!_) wondering if there was ever going to be a day where he could just go out and _and not _be embarrassed by the people whom chose to chase after him.

"We're going to see him again, aren't we?"

Raito let go of his straight-laced demeanor and nearly fell over, face first.

Mail sighed as Mihael and Nate nodded solemnly to themselves.

"Figures."

* * *

"Matsuda-san?" L blinked, having smacked on a shabby tee-shirt (_which was now covered in whipped-cream frosting and patches of hot fudge_) and ripped pair of jeans (_which were also covered in unnecessary food items_) a little while before the young man had arrived at his door step, shivering as if he had seen a ghost with a 'I Love Ass-Rape!' sign strapped against his chest rampaging towards his innocent, girlish figure. "How may I help you today?"

"Uh…" Matsuda gulped audibly, sweating a bucket of water right were he stood (_and grossing L out in the process_). "Is… is Yagami-kun… _home_?"

"Not at the moment," L muttered, looking over his shoulder in a blatant display of uncaring as he wondered just how long this conversation would last before he would be able to go back to his delicious ice-cream sundae/cookie-explosion/cake-orgy mixed with a genuine sugar-heart-attack in the making. "May I take a message?"

"Really?! He's not home?!" Sighing in a strange show of relief and disappointment, the young, usually very vibrant manager quickly shook his head as he backed away from the artist eyeing him rather critically under an extremely bored façade. "Well, it's not all that important, really! Uh, I guess I'll catch him la-"

"Nonsense!" L quietly exclaimed before grabbing the younger man's arm and tugging him inside. "We have so much to catch up on, Matsuda."

"We do?!"

"Of course." Patting the man on the head with a sticky sugar-encrusted hand, the dark-haired man filled with mischief and well-earned suspicion quickly smothered his growing smirk overcoming his lips and adopted his normally nonchalant expression with ease. "Matsuda-san and I barely speak with each other anymore."

"I… suppose you're right, with Yagami-kun's career blowing up and all. Then the kids coming into the picture…" The dark-haired naïve man laughed gaily as L nibbled on his thumb, not looking the least bit convincing. "It is kind of hard to catch up with it all!"

"Yes, it's been awhile… so much so, that Matsuda refuses to let me in on the loop of Raito's progress, unlike before. Why is that, I wonder…?"

"Uh…"

Moving in a bit closer, L narrowed his eyes just the slightest bit, reveling at the sweat now pouring down the man's head in buckets.

"Matsuda…"

"… … I GOTTA GO NOW!" Matsuda suddenly shouted, making L tip over his side of the couch and topple down onto the ground in a heap of gangly limbs and wide-eyed blinks. "BYE!"

Knowing that _that _wasn't a regular occurrence (_even by __**Matsuda's **__standards…_), L made several mental preparations and planned calls towards his own manager, needing to get to the bottom of his lover's manager's behavior and needing to do it _now_.

Reaching over for his cell-phone, which was planted safely within his pocket, L wondered if the younger manager actually thought that he could actually _keep a secret _from the most famous artist in the _world_.

'_Right…_'

* * *

"THAT," Raito screeched as he kicked open the door to their home and hauled the set of bags hanging from his hands into the open apartment in front of him, "Was a pain in the ass that I hope to never have to experience EVER AGAIN!"

"… … That man was icky, daddy." Nate whispered, tugging on his father's shirt with a small, slightly pudgy hand as he did so. "Please don't make us ever interact with him ever again."

"Yeah! He was like… like… the most _disappointing _stalker I've ever met in my life!" Mihael tapped a finger to his chin as Mail nodded enthusiastically, making Raito sweat-drop in exasperation.

"Totally!" Adding in his two cents, the younger redhead snapped his fingers. "I expected some pizzazz, a lot of glitter and, maybe, a fabulous wardrobe! Who the hell attracts crazy lawyers with cross-dressing tendencies?"

Mihael pointed at Raito as he hung his head in shame, somehow not the least bit surprised that his kids were not the slightest bit impressed by Mikami's presence.

"It's ok, dad, you could do much better." Mail patted the gorgeous artist on his leg, looking every bit as sympathetic about the situation as Sayu might've been (_which wasn't all that much_). "You're a ten, at the very least. That guy was like a two and a half, and that's not even counting in his _crazy_."

"Hey," Nate finally spoke up, taking in the candy-spotted furniture and random assortment of half-eaten pieces of pastry scattered around the room. "Where's L, daddy?"

"Hm… I don't… _know_…" Smiling at the three boys, Raito made his way upstairs, knowing that if there was any place his sulky paramour was, it was most likely his chosen domain;

The _Bedroom_.

"Why don't you guys start bringing up the stuff to your rooms and-"

_**WOOSH!**_

"-I'll go get L." Raito finished lamely, light hair hanging limply over his eyes as three small figures shuffling up the stairs with bags almost three times their size ran past him in a blur. "That settles that then."

Following after his sons' steps, the young man held onto the tiny bag still held within his grip, silently smiling to himself.

The past week had been tough on both himself and L, but he figured it was just a bump on the road that was figuratively run over. Barely able to see his lover after the trial-and-error game that was raising children and handling the pressures of keeping up with his newly-acquired fame through his newest trail of paintings (_something he had been keeping from his lover, if just barely_), Raito could feel the strain against their relationship whenever they _did _have the chance to speak to each other.

Laughing at the noises reverberating from Mihael and Mail's room (_'Don't touch that, you dufus!' 'Well then stop trying to get into my damn pants, and watch Nate, you idiot!' 'WHAT?!' '… … Can I have a cookie?'_), the nearly-silent brunette grabbed the handle of his bedroom door and pushed it open-

Only to be met with the sight of a sullen figure slouched over the large mattress, cell-phone in hand.

"What are you doing, L?"

"NOTHING!" Throwing the phone over to the other side of the room, Raito gave the man a strange look as L threw himself on the bed and stared up at the confused artist now giving him the 'eye'. "How was Raito-kun's day out today?"

Shaking out of his L-induced stupor, Raito for once did not rant about the horribleness of the day he had experienced and pointed over his shoulder and ignored the question.

"Did you just-"

"Raito-kun is looking _radiant _today! I suppose that means that he had an especially relaxing day with the children?"

"… … Are you trying to distra-"

"Is that a new shirt, Raito-kun? It most definitely brings out your gorgeously flawless golden skin… skin which I haven't been able to touch in a new damn week…"

"Why are you-"

"One week… does Raito-kun realize how long a week is? That is 168 hours, Raito! I have not been sexually-satisfied in over _168 hours_!"

Giving up while he was ahead, Raito jumped over the man and bounced into their bed, sighing in satisfaction. Ignoring the ramblings of his eternally-grumpy lover and the light downturn of his boyfriend's lips, the exhausted brunette turned over and threw an arm over L's waist with his eyes closed.

"Raito?! Raito! Are you not paying attention to me again?!"

'You know, it's good to be home…'

* * *

_**Three Days Later…**_

* * *

"Mihael, are you ready?!"

Trampling down the stairs, the young blonde dressed entirely in black (_Raito had __**tried **__to get him to wear something else, but even __**he **__didn't have the fortitude necessary to put up with Mihael's bitch-fits_) waved over at his father now fidgeting with his golden-yellow chin-length locks.

"YES! God!"

"Mail?!"

A head full of bright red locks smoothed to near-perfection stood on Raito's other side, tugging on the collar of his normal striped tee-shirt in a sharp fashion.

"Yes sir!"

"…And Nate? Where's Nate?!"

"I'm right here daddy." Raito glanced down, just then noticing the tiny tot clinging to his just-pressed pants.

"I knew that." The overly-anxious father straightened out the boy's white and silver striped polo and creaseless jeans. "I'm fine. I'm perfectly fine. And you're fine. Mihael's fine. Mail's fine- We're all _fine_."

"Raito, _calm_ _down_." Hauling up the younger artist by the arm, L sighed despondently. "It will be alright."

"But-but-but-!"

"If you are that worried, then we do _not _have to go and subject ourselves to such a horror, Raito-kun."

"NO!" Raito shouted, looking scandalized at the mere suggestion of such a thing. "I already called my mother and told her we were swinging by! Canceling out on her now is like asking for a beat-down! I just won't have it!"

"We'll make do with what we've got! Right boys?"

"Yeah!"

"Totally!"

"… … Alright."

Nodding over at L, Raito grabbed his lover by the arm and practically forced him out of the door.

"To the car!"

'Oh sweet mother of all that's good in this world…' L thought to himself as he let his body be led in whatever direction Raito saw fit. 'I think my life is flashing before my eyes…'

* * *

After a car ride filled with tense silence and random farting noises (_L honestly didn't have to guess who the mastermind behind __**that **__particular prank was_), the oldest of the group silent gulped in terror.

"Are you sure we have to do this to ourselves, Raito-kun?" L asked for the twentieth time in a row, dark eyes pleading with the younger man to just _take pity _on his poor soul _just this once_-

"L, we're already in front of their damn door, dressed and ready to go." Raito dryly responded, not even deigning to look in the other man's direction. "I think it's a little too late for the whole 'Woe is Me' act, isn't it?"

Sulking as the oldest of the three squeezed his hand, dark blue eyes conveying all the sympathy his lover did _not _seem to exude in the least, the dark-haired artist simply sighed as he waited for the inevitable knock to end all knocks.

'_God must really hate you, you know. All those times that you pressured the boy into having sex, or made lewd comments, or did horrible things in public or-_'

'I get it! I'm a pervert! Can you finish your thought, please?!'

'_... … well, what I'm saying is, you fucked yourself over, guy. And now, God is exacting his or her punishment by killing you ever so softly…_'

Silently agreeing, L tightened his own grip around both Mihael's hand and, now, around Mail's. Nate simply stared at the large hunk of wood hanging between himself and the haven of the elder Yagami's, seemingly stuck within his own world of teddy-bears and whatever else the boy thought about whenever Raito was either not around or wasn't paying attention to him (_which really was almost __**never**__, now that L thought about it…_).

'_So, does the fact that you're about to be bombarded with three crazy kids, a sister-in-law who with a strange obsession with both your and your lover's relationship with each other, your mother-in-law who adores children to an unhealthy extent, your father-in-law who hates you and most likely a very pissy Raito by the end of the evening have you declaring your own insanity yet? Because I hate tell you this, mister, but you're doomed._'

Wanting to turn around and run back into the car screaming, yet knowing that Raito would probably think of a punishment _far worse _than seeing his parents for the night if he did so, L ignored the tiny comment made by his subconscious and concentrated on number fingers laced between his own.

'One… two… thre-'

'_Don't you understand?! Are you not grasping the severity of the situation at hand, sir?! I said you're DOOMED, you idiot! DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMED_!'

L hushed the voice of hysteria screaming within his head and sighed as Raito gave him a beaming smile, that edge of wholeness glittering within his cinnamon-brown eyes making all of the mayhem surrounding him (_and soon to be surrounding Yagami Soichirou, grump extraordinaire_) _**almost**_worth it.

"So… when do we get to go home, again?" Mihael grumped, swiftly reaching over L's thin form and pinching Mail on his side as the goggled- boy hissed in pain.

Nate blinked before once again commencing in his staring match with the door in front of him, managing to even creep _L _out with his silence.

L sighed as Raito shivered in excitement.

And once again…

The keyword was _almost_.

* * *

Oh Gosh, I'm so sorry about the long wait. My head has been filled to the brim with ideas for my other stories (i.e. Life Imitating Art), and it's hard to maintain a humorous outlook when you're thinking and writing about angst, depressing subjects and... well, Beyond Birthday. So true. Lol. This chapter is less 'Crazy-Humor!' and more 'Crazy-Plot-Points!', which made this chapter especially hard to write. Next chapter, however, shall be fun again, as you may have noticed by the ending section. Yay for family dinners! I usually make the most out of those. XD

So, hopefully I will be back soon with some crazy-mayhem like always, but for now, I'm going to watch cartoons with my kids and sleep with my eyes open. ^.^ Toodles! (And thanks for reading!)


	18. Introductions of the Familial Kind

A.N: I've take to writing A/N's on the top of the chapters, so I think I'll keep to the habit. Lol.

So...

Uh...

About this story...

This thing happened, where stuff went down, and my fingers, they, like, locked and FoF was...

Um...

IT WAS THE ZOMBIES! THEY ATE MY PLOT BUNNIES! I SWEAR!

Yeah. Totally. Don't judge me, ok?! Lol. Here's the next chapter, finally, and two facts that remain true for Hari-chan and this fic:

One: This and DH coincide together on a whole new level that I totally didn't plan out if you check out the chapter content (LOL) for both stories.

Two: I am really random, and this fic totally exemplifies that. Whoopie!

^.^ So, I was wondering, I've been writing super long chapters for this story and been taking forever... would you guys prefer shorter chapters with less waiting time? This chapter excluded, they all average out to like 7,000 words... yoinks! I mean, we're barely halfway through this story, and we're already at 100,000 words! DH didn't even REACH 100,000 words!

ZOMGLOLMAOROFL**_YAY_**!

Sorry, I've been drinking a lot of caffiene today. -.-; I've also have a new poll up in my profile about this fic... YOU SHOULD TOTALLY CHECK IT OUT AND MAKE ME A HAPPY FANFIC WRITER BY ADDING IN YOUR OPINION! A happy fanfic writer is one that updates faster; or so I've been told... Lol. So, please read the new chapter (and if you should like to let me know what you think afterwards, I am totally unopposed to that. Reeeaaaaallllllyyyyyyyy) and make sure to CHECK OUT MY NEW POLL ON MY PROFILE PAGE. :D

How's that for subliminal messaging? XD

* * *

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Eighteen: _Introductions of the Familial Kind_

* * *

"Does my breath stink?"

"Are my pants falling down?"

"I think I have something stuck in my teeth!"

"I'm hungry!"

"I want some juice!"

"Daddy, I'm cold!"

"L, can I have a piece of candy?"

"L, tell Mihael to stop poking me!"

"I think I have to go po-_tty_…"

"Dad-"

"_Dad_-"

"_**Dad**_-"

"_Alright, already!_" L finally snapped, dark eyes narrowing dangerously. "Will you kids just shut the f-"

"L!"

"What?!"

"You might not think it, but you are so much more dramatic than I could ever hope to be…" Raito sighed as he rubbed his temples only to finally give into his better senses and knock on the door undeniably leading to both his and L's doom.

"_Aw__** shit**__!_"

"_L! What the hell is the matter with you?!_"

"_What the hell's the matter with me? Fuck, Raito, that's a dumb ass question!_"

"_Shut the hell up! I just knocked the door, you retard!_"

"_You know what Raito, you can suck my_-"

"IS THAT BITTERNESS AND PERVESION, I HEAR? OH, RAI-CHANNNN! **I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE FINALLY **_**HOME**_!"

Wide brown eyes popped out of their sockets quite comically as Raito backed up, trying to stave off the inevitable; the door opening as Sayu smirked, eyes dancing with an evil gleam-

"SAYU, STO-"

_**GLOMP!**_

"GAH!"

_**CRASH!**_

"GOD DAMN IT, SAYU, GET YOUR FAT ASS OFF OF MY ALREADY ABUSED CROTCH BEFORE I GIVE YOU AN ASS KICKING FROM HELL!"

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING FAT, YOU FAKE-ASS ZACH EFFRON?! I WILL BUST YOUR NUTS TOGETHER AND CELEBRATE CHRISTMASS EARLY ALL OVER YOUR TWITCHING CARCASS!"

Punching the older man on the shoulder before bitch-slapping him on the face, Sayu laughed haughtily as the three children in front of her cowered behind L in fear.

L simply scratched his head, looking as bored as usual for all intents and purposes.

"If you ever," Sayu whispered dangerously before hefting the man up to her level by his collar, eyes glittering with true maliciousness, "_ever_, call me fat ever again, I will chop your balls off and sew your mouth and asshole shut so that you can never have sex ever again. _Are we clear?_"

"_Crystal_." The man wheezed, his eyes bugging out of their sockets.

"Good." Sayu then jumped off of her brother and grinned, making the younger children back away further in paranoid fear. "YAY! You've brought the _children_! Though I suppose that means that no special L/Raito time shall be in effect, then, will it? Oh, _poopie._"

"There hasn't been any special L/Raito time in nearly a week, so I wouldn't bet on it Sayu-chan. _Especially in front of the 'children'._" L stoically replied, shocking the college student as she nearly stepped on her brother again whilst he straightened himself up.

"RAITO!" Sayu declared, pointing at him whilst flames burst behind her in the background. L smirked as he nodded, absently chewing on his thumb in mild amusement. "YOU'VE DARED DENY L THE AWESOMENESS THAT IS MAN-SEX IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN HOME?! HOW _DARE _YOU!"

"Sayu…" Raito gritted out, feeling a vein ready to pop within his forehead.

"THE RAZZLE-DAZZLE OF YOUR UNION SURPASSES ALL! HOW CAN YOU POSSIBLY DENY THIS POOR INNOCENT MAN-" Raito's eye twitch as L then proceeded to wave, eyes watering up with faux-tears, "THE RIGHT TO TAP THAT _ASS_?! YOU MONSTER! YOU EVIL, EVIL, _MONSTER!_"

"WHAT THE HELL, SAYU, MY KIDS ARE RIGHT HERE! NOW GET OUT OF THE WAY, IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE AND YOU DON'T NEED TO BE SCARING OFF ANYMORE OF OUR NEIGHBORS THAN YOU USUALLY DO!" Grabbing his children, Raito shoved his way inside as both L and Sayu grinned at the fleeting sight of bright red cheeks and trembling scowls.

Bothering Raito was too much fun, really.

Especially if you happened to be L Lawliet and Yagami Sayu.

"But Raaaaaiiiiiitttttooooo, this is a serious matter! You can't just stop doing the nasty with L and _expect me to not have any problems with it! _You, mister, are selfish!"

"I agree with Sayu-chan!" L cheerfully encouraged the girl, the same stony look pasted on his face.

"You _would!_" Raito shouted enraged.

"Uh…" Mihael whispered, shifting his eyes from his homicidal father, his smirking parent-in-crime and the crazy-ass woman whom seemed to be enjoying the show their parents were putting on _just a bit too much_… "Does anybody have a Kit-Kat Bar?"

"… That was corny, Mihael." Mail shook his head, laughing on the inside.

_Always on the inside. _

"I know." The blonde hung his head in shame.

"I still need to go potty." Nate blinked, just now having come back to Earth.

Mail and Mihael then proceeded to shake their heads, knowing that no good was to come of this night.

'I knew it. We should have just stayed home and gone through Dad's porn collection! But no...'

As the two siblings bickered (L watching with a strange smile on his face), the three kids silently huddled together and held in a simultaneous sigh of exasperation.

"Oh! Sayu, dear, is that-" Sachiko nearly galloped into the room after a particularly high-screeched yell emanating from Sayu as she once again tackled her brother onto the ground only to pause as she took note of her son's unusually rumpled state along with L's… well, normally rumpled state and nearly had…

The dreaded _mother_-_gasm_.

"RAITO-OH-MY-GOODNESS-YOU-AND-L-ARE-FINALLY-HERE,-I'VE-BEEN-WAITING-FOR-SO-LONG-THAT-I-NEARLY-MADE-TOO-MUCH-DINNER,-AND-THEN-THE-KITCHEN-ALMOST-BURST-INTO-SPONTANEOUS-FLAMES-UNTIL-YOUR-FATHER-CAME-IN-AND-HAD-A-STROKE-AT-THE-SIGHT-AND-PUT-OUT-THE-FIRE-BUT-THAT'S-NOT-IMPORTANT-I-MISSED-YOU-SO-MUCH-"

The woman took a solitary breath before beginning anew; ignoring the grimacing faces her two children were now sporting from their spots on the floor.

"_**NOW WHERE ARE MY GRANDCHILDREN, !**_"

Raito coughed as his three children face-faulted, wondering if this was their punishment for all of the chaos they inflicted at Whammy's orphanage.

"They're… right in front of you mother, if you'd cease in your shrieking long enough to just _look _at them."

Light brown eyes shaded by cropped maple-colored hair widened as the excitable mother zeroed in on the three munchkins cowering against each other.

"… … … … They. Are so. CUTE! LET ME HOLD THEM AND PINCH THEIR CHEEKS AND TELL THEM HOW ADORABLE THEY ARE AND PROCEED TO SMOTHER THEM WITH HUGS OF LOVE AND GRANDMOTHER-NESS!"

Raito didn't know whether to laugh or to cry as his kids barreled over to him, pushing his sister off of his prone body before huddling within his lap.

"Aw…" Sachiko seemed to be close to tears at this point. "They already have taken to you like a mama with her kittens. THEY'RE ADORABLE, RAI-CHAN!"

Raito laughed nervously as he backed away from the scene as well, wondering if should just grab L and the kids and _run_.

_Run like the __**wind**_.

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON IN THERE?!" A voice suddenly bellowed from the living room, making Raito and L sweat-drop, the older of the two leaning down to his lover's level and attempting to help him up rather unsuccessfully. "IS L MOLESTING RAITO IN THERE AGAIN?! I'M NOT GOING IN THERE IF HE IS! I DON'T NEED TO BE SCARRED AGAIN AFTER HAVING TO WATCH THEM FLIRT THE LAST TIME THEY VISITED! GOD DAMN HIPPIES!"

"… … W-T-F, dude." Mail simply shook his head. "W-T-F."

"No wonder you have so many problems." Mihael whispered covertly, gazing up at his father with wide, wide, wide, WIDE eyes.

Raito simply smiled, gaining a slightly disturbed look on his face.

"… … What problems?"

* * *

"Ahem." Raito finally cleared his voice as he sat down all the children within the living room and gestured towards the three other people within the room, L suspiciously absent.

Which was strange, because he was absolutely sure that he had been trailing right behind them not even three seconds before…

"Mihael, Mail, Nate-" Raito smiled genially, reminding the boys that though the people surrounding him were completely and utterly insane, they're father was still the same neurotic mess as always.

Somehow, that was a good thing.

"I want to introduce you to your grandparents and your Aunt Sayu. You guys, these are my kids!"

"Those psychos are part of your _family_?" Mihael popped out, pointing at the eldest man, whose face was now turning a strange tomato red. "Re-tard-ed…"

"Dude, look, that guys face is about to explode…"

"Mail, don't do it…"

"_Fine_…" The redhead sighed as he slumped back into his seat, his fingers itching for something to do. "I'll give into the man for just this one night…"

"Raito, what the _hell _have you and L been teaching these kids?!"

"Dad!" Raito nearly smacked himself in the face. "Could you stop being yourself and please be nice to your grandchildren?! They're… they're… sensitive?"

"Whatever…"

"Ah…" L sighed as he entered the room, wiping his hands on the bottom of his shirt. "That was relaxing."

"What the fuck!" Soichirou suddenly got up and pointed at L. "You were doing something weird in my house, weren't you?! WEREN'T YOU?! Admit it, and you won't have to fear my wrath upon you, pervert!"

"… … Using the bathroom is considered weird now, Father-san?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"… Oh. Well… _you got lucky this time, homo_."

"L? If you were in the bathroom, why did you go upstairs instead of down the hall? There aren't any bathrooms up there…" Sayu smirked as Soichirou flushed even further, the sinister smile now hanging off of the man's face scary as all hell.

"AH-HA! I WAS _RIGHT_! YOU _WERE_ DOING SOMETHING PERVERTED WEREN'T YOU?! I'll NEVER DOUBT MY GUT INSTINCTS EVER AGAIN!"

"Why must Father-san assume that I am always doing something perverted when I am within his vicinity?"

"L, I assume you're doing something perverted even when you're NOT in my vicinity! How my son puts up with you and your liaisons day in and day out is beyond me!"

"I bet you he was jacking-off in Raito's old room." Sayu suddenly commented while nodding, making Soichirou fall back onto the couch in horror. "If he hasn't been getting any Raito-love, then that's probably the next best thing for him."

"WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAATTTTTT?!"

Insert Raito's "WTF?!" Face #289 _here_.

"Do you kids want some candy?!" Sachiko stood up, eyes slightly panicked as the early signs of her husband about to go ape-shit began to resonate within the room rather violently. Mihael's eyes began to sparkle with delight as the secret phrase to his ultimate happiness was uttered.

"DO YOU HAVE CHOCOLATE?!"

"… … Uh…" Sachiko sweat-dropped. "Sure…?"

"I-LOVE-YOU-FOREVER-OBAA-SAN-PLEASE-TAKE-ME-TO-THE-CHOCOLATE-AND-I-SHALL-BE-YOUR-ETERNAL-SLAVE-OF-AWESOMENESS-FOR-THE-REST-OF-TIME!"

Mail and Nate sweat-dropped as Raito basically pushed them off of the couch and pointed at their grandmother and brother's retreating backs, the later actually bouncing up and down in excitement as he did so.

'Somebody needs to give that boy some sedatives...' Nate and Mail thought to themselves as they sweat-dropped. Raito glared as they hesitated for a moment, the message written across his face loud and clear.

'_Go with them or_ _suffer the consequences_.'

Nate grabbed his brother's hand and rushed after his new grandmother, not wanting to test out his father's new authoritarian side.

Smart boy indeed.

"Make sure not… to… give them… too much… candy mother…" Hesitating in his speech, Raito stared at his boyfriend and father, whom were now barely a foot away from each other.

'Oh dear lord, what have I unleashed upon these poor children and myself…'

Raito barely heard the inhuman cackling in the background as Sayu jumped on the couch he was sitting on and sat back to enjoy the show.

She was amused, at least.

* * *

"Yay! Cho-co-late…" Mihael squealed as his Mail nearly cried at the sight of the Playstation 3 set up by the TV in the spare room they were now inhabiting. Nate quietly made his way to the stuffed toys and grabbed a large white rabbit with floppy ears and wide dark eyes.

"Aw…" Sachiko once again whined, tears rolling down her cheeks anew. "You three… my Raito did well in choosing you. You're just so huggable! Especially you!"

Nate blinked as Sachiko plopped next to him and squeezed him into her lap.

"Hey! I'm way more huggable than Nate is!" Mihael pouted. "Stupid albino…"

"Yeah, whatever, GAMING-IN-PROGRESS, DOUCHE-BAG, DON'T BOTHER ME WITH TRIVIALTIES OR I'LL MAKE YOU MY BITCH, AIGHT?!"

"Obsessive bastard…"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL KILL YOU, MOTHERFUCKER!"

"DAD, MAIL'S CUSSING AT ME AGAIN-"

"YOU'RE ONE TO TALK!"

"I'M AWESOME, I'M ALLOWED TO SAY WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT, WHENEVER THE FUCK I WANT YOU LITTLE ASSWIPE!"

"DAD! MIHAEL KEEPS DROPPING THE F-BOMB! AND HE CALLED ME AN ASSWIPE!"

"! YOU DAMN HYPOCRITE! THAT'S _IT_! MIHAEL-_SMASH_!"

"What the-!"

_**SMACK!**_

"Oh, you are so dead, Mihael! I'm going to hit you so hard, you're dead mama is gonna cry!"

"You mean like yours did when she saw you after she gave birth to you and realized how much of an ugly son-of-a-bitch you were?!"

"You _bastard_-"

_**SMACK-SMACK-CRASH-GROPE-**_

"Oh dear!"

_**BODY-SLAM-PILEDRIVER-SUPLEX-**_

Sachiko gasped as the two boys began beating on each other, holding onto Nate with a death-hold unlike any other.

_**FIGURE-FOUR-LEGLOCK-CRAZY-KICK-OF-SHAME-**_

"Does this… happen a lot in your home?"

_**BITCH-SLAP-CROTCHING-TIGER-HIDDEN-DRAGON-**_

Nate sighed as he flipped his bunny's ears, feeling strangely happy as he did so.

_**TICKLE-MONSTER-OF-DOOM-HEAD-SLAM-**_

"Unfortunately… _yes_."

* * *

"Father-san is over-_react-_ing again…" L sang out, stuffing his hands within his pockets in a vain attempt in finding some candy…

Unfortunately for him, Raito had pilfered through his pockets before-hand, and there were no lint-covered treats for him to enjoy.

'_SHIT!_'

"Overreacting? I'll show you overreacting you little-"

"How many times must I tell Father-san that there is _nothing _on my person that is '_little_'."

"GOD DAMN YOU, L, I DON'T NEED TO KNOW ABOUT YOUR-"

"DAD!" Raito shrieked out, face bright red.

Sayu patted her older brother on his shoulder as he sighed, leaning his head against the cushions of the couch.

"Poor Rai-chan… Think of it this way," Sayu grinned, "at least you know you're loved!"

Raito gave her a nasty glare, not finding her comments the least bit amusing.

"Just saying…"

"Raito!" Sachiko shrilled out as she pushed the boys out of his and Sayu's old playroom and headed towards the dining room, eyes slightly panicked. "Please gather everyone up! It's time for dinner!"

"Mom… why are Mail and Mihael limping?"

"RAITO, I SAID GET EVERYONE UP FOR DINNER, NOW STOP QUESTIONING ME AND GET OVER HERE ALREADY!"

Raito sweat-dropped as his father, boyfriend and sister quickly got up and ran into the dining room, fearful of his mother's temperament (which even Raito could admit could be pretty damn scary once incurred).

"Alright… I'm coming… _damn it._"

The walkway of shame had nothing on Raito now.

* * *

So…

What was the lesson to be learned from all this?

Raito sighed (_probably the billionth sigh of the night, really…_) as he pushed his rice around on his plate and concentrated on the children…

The lesson was…

The lesson was…

Damn it, Raito was never putting himself through this ever again.

That was all the damn lesson he _needed_.

"Are you always this stupid, or is this a special occasion?" Soichirou glared at L as he hummed a little tune.

"I simply do not see the value of putting in my opinion within a conversation in which I know I will be ridiculed by you no matter what I say." L blinked as Sachiko snorted, killing her laughter as she picked up her napkin and held it to her mouth. "I could agree with you, and you would still call me an idiot, Father-san. I am simply saving us both the trouble and attempting to give my hunny-bunny a somewhat normal dinner."

"Raito!" Sayu nearly cackled as Raito spit out his water, which he had been absently drinking as L had been speaking.

Not a smart thing to do, for future reference.

"HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO ASK YOU NOT TO CALL ME ANY STUPID PET NAMES THAT WILL ONLY MAKE ME WANT TO HURT YOU INSTEAD OF HUG YOU?!"

"But sweetie-pie…"

"L." Raito felt his eye twitch manically. "Don't make me injure you in a place you won't easily recover from. What the hell were you and my father even talking about anyway? My head is starting to hurt from all of this ridiculous squabbling."

"… … … I wasn't really paying attention, if truth be told."

"_Idiot_." Both the brunette and his father muttered under their breath, smacking themselves in the exact same way in perfect synchronization.

L stuck a chopstick in his mouth and tilted his head to the side, confused.

"Huh?"

"Dad, do me a favor and stop provoking him so much." Not even deigning to give his boyfriend a second glance, Raito pointed at the three children stationed next to him. "Why don't you talk to the kids if he bothers you so much!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

Soichirou stared at the three children now giving him large, puppy dog eyes.

"… … Do I have to? The white-haired one is giving me the heebie-jeebies."

"Dad!"

"What?! He is! He looks like he's plotting something right now!" Soichirou shivered as the boy continued to stare at him without blinking. "What the hell is the matter with you Raito?! This kid is freaky!"

"Finally, somebody who feels my pain!" Mihael shouted, standing up rather unexpectedly. "That kid is not to be trusted! Don't be fooled by his kawaii stare and tousled curls! HE'S EVVVVVIIIIIIIIILLLLLLLLLLLL!"

"Dude, I think they get it." Mail whispered before dragging the boy back down to their level. "Stop being such a… well, just stop being _you_, and I think we'll _all _be satisfied…"

"Dad, could you _please_stop insulting my children! And Mihael, get your foot off of the table and away from Nate's head, for goodness sakes!"

Mihael pouted as he put his leg down.

"You know what… I think I know why he creeps me out." Soichirou blinked before he turned and then pointed at L… _again_. "HE REMINDS ME OF _HIM_!"

"Father, don't be absurd." Raito's features sagged as he shook his head exasperatedly.

"LOOK AT HIM; SAME WEIRD STARE, SAME APATHETIC ATTITUDE… OH MY GOD, HE'S YOUR ILLEGITAMATE CHILD, ISN'T HE?!"

"_DAD! _What the hell?!"

"Heh heh… that's not possible." Mail remarked with a grin. "They can't stand each other."

"See?! They probably hate each other as much you and L hate each other! Now be quiet and eat your food, old man!" Raito snapped, face turning an impressive shade of red. "Just because they're kind of similar doesn't mean anything, now will you stop assuming things and just let us have a nice, quiet dinner with no explosions and no insults from this point forth?!"

Silence prevailed throughout the table as every person sitting around the table stared at Raito incredulously.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"Raito, I don't think that's possible."

"Oh, what the fu-"

"DON'T BE AN ASSHOLE, RAITO! You know that I will _never _be able to tolerate your man-whore, and I won't ever try to! So… THERE!" The man roared as he pointed at L, who was now playing with his chopsticks.

Sayu, Raito and Sachiko stared at L, wondering what his rebuttal would be.

"… … … What?" The man questioned as the whole family sweat-dropped simultaneously. "Did I miss something?"

"No, L, miraculously, _you didn't miss a thing_." Raito muttered, hand swept over his eyes.

"Raito-kun looks frustrated." L pointlessly stated, wondering if blanking out in the middle of the conversation had been the smartest of things to do.

"Of course he's frustrated, he has to deal with _you _on a daily basis!"

"Hey-"

"You know what," Raito suddenly snapped as his father's growling came to an abrupt end, along with L's own silent instigation in the form of a creepy-ass stare. "I'm done here. When all of you stop spewing shit from out of your mouths and finally grow the fuck up, I'll be waiting for you outside."

Sachiko glared at the two men looking equally as reprimanded, not even deigning to cast Sayu any sort of glance whatsoever, before getting up and following her eldest child out of the dining room.

"… … … … This is somehow all of your fault, you know." Soichirou muttered over at his son's boyfriend, not catching the eye-roll both Sayu and L sent in his direction.

'Isn't it always?'

* * *

"Raito!" The preoccupied boy barely heard his mother call out to him as he shook his head, slumped across the stairs in a half-hazard manner. "Raito, stop being so damn prissy and listen to your mother when she's speaking to you!"

"You've got to be kidding me." The boy muttered to himself, mocha-brown eyes narrowing as he slouched within himself even further.

"Calm down, I'm not here to reprimand you… _yet_." Sachiko smiled as the stifled snort of laughter caught her ears, knowing that her son hadn't gone all the way insane yet.

_Thank God_.

"Listen, I wanted to thank you for bringing them by." The slightly-more-sane parent Raito had had to live with (_yet still ridiculously insane when compared to other mothers…_) brushed the bangs out of her son's eyes she noted the exhaustion weaved through his expression and the weathered temperament that didn't suit her son in the least. "And perhaps give you a bit of advice, if you're willing to take it?"

"Mom?"

"Giving them so much of yourself is beautiful gesture, Raito, and one I'm sure they appreciate. Just speaking with them, I can tell you spoil them to pieces. However, you won't be able to survive if you simply concentrate on their needs and ignore your own." Cocking up an eyebrow, the tired artist almost scoffed. "Tonight proves it, you know. Usually you're able to put up with your father and L's fighting better than this. You're emotionally exhausted, Raito!"

"I just…"

"You need to sit down and re-prioritize just what's important and what isn't. It's only been a week, you're already on the verge of a mental-breakdown. Do you honestly think that's normal?"

Leaving the boy to his thoughts, Sachiko hefted herself up and walked back inside the house.

The boy needed time to sort himself out…

Just like she did when her own mother spoke with her after being nearly decimated by two unruly children now known as Yagami Raito and Yagami Sayu.

Singing a little victory song to herself, Sachiko counted the minutes until her son thanked her for her own foresight.

'Yay for mothers who know better…'


	19. SUPER SPECIAL HALLOWEEEEEEEN EDITION!

A/N: Ok, right off the bat; I AM SOOOOO SORRY. I know that I'm a bad author. You guys... *sniffle* put up with so much with me... *sniffle*

But, really, yeah.

As many of you know (or some, don't know, don't care either, ha ha) I have been crazy!sick lately, along with trying to prepare my kids for this holiday while BEING crazy!sick, along with trying to keep with school, while trying to prepare my kids, while being crazy!sick...

So yeah. Love me, my life is pitiful. Lol. I'm still a little off, so if you see something that screams out OMG-THAT'S-SO-WRONG-WHY-ARE-YOU-HURTING-OUR-EYES-HARI-CHAN?!', remember, I am not all there. Please, just advise me gently. Lol. This isn't exactly the next chapter, but since that is out of commission for the moment, I bring you this interlude of semi-epic proportions *snort*... And can I just say, this uploader is starting to piss me the hell off? It keeps ruining my damn format! Grr... damn my hispanic rage...

Warning: Hari-chan does not promote child-prostitution, pimps, beating puppies, pedophiles, L being CRAZY!POSSESSIVE!, Mikami in general, hoes, drugs of any and all kinds, cop-beatings, destroying people's houses, overdosing on candy and Lady Gaga.

That... was a strange warnings list. LOL.

Disclaimer: I do not own "Paparazzi" by Lady Gaga. In your face gay community!

L & Light: Wait, what?!

Hari-chan: *sweat-drop* Uh... I meant that in a good way?

* * *

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Interlude: _SUPER SPECIAL HALLOWEEEEEEEN EDITION! _

* * *

"Alright," Raito murmured as he set up his awesome list of "Things We Better Not Forget or I'll Kick Myself in the Ass Later!" in front of him on the table and pointed at the random things needed to make this, _their first Halloween EVER, _the best it could possibly be, "bags for the candy?"

"Check!" L munched on his taffy with glee, holding up said object as his lover checked off the item on his list.

"Reflective lights for the kids costumes?"

"Check!" L then stuck a candy-bar in his mouth, tiny flecks of chocolate clinging to his lips as he did so.

"Camera?"

"Check!"

"Bug repellant?"

"Check… for some strange reason."

"You never know what might be out there!" Raito recanted, re-affirming his position as being the greatest mommy/daddy-figure of all time. "Now, mace?"

"Che-wait, why do we need mace?" L held up the can, giving his boyfriend a peculiar glance as he then slurped on a bright red lollipop.

"… … I suppose that's more for me than it is for the kids." Raito responded sheepishly, thinking back on a certain loony lawyer with a penchant for women's clothing. "But you never know what crazy-crazy wearing a trench coat (_and nothing else, mind you_) might come up to us and try to give us a… _surprise_!"

"Surprise…?"

Raito gave L a deadpanned look before circling the other man's crotch with his index finger. "You know… _surprise_?"

"Ri-ight… good thinking, Raito-kun" L nodded approvingly, dropping the can of mace into his never-ending pit he dubbed his jean-pockets. "I should be the only one to provide such 'surprises' for Raito-kun; though just for Raito-kun. Just thinking about doing so in front of the children would be strange and a bit creepy even by my standards. Next?"

"Coats?" Raito sweat-dropped.

"Triple check!"

"Great!" The younger artist checked off their last item and turned to his boyfriend, who was now stuffing another piece of chocolate into his mouth, his cheeks and lips looking disgustingly multi-colored after three hours of ingesting nothing but sweets of the candy variety. "Are the kids ready, then?"

"They were the last time I checked up on them…" L scratched his head with a candy-coated hand and pointed at the stairs, purposely ignoring the repulsed look now implanted on his lover's face. "Why doesn't Raito-kun go upstairs and-"

"And leave you alone with the already near-empty candy bowl, right?" The dark-haired deviant simply smiled before blinking in apparent obliviousness.

"Whatever do you mean, Raito-kun?"

"GO CHECK ON THE KIDS, YOU DICKWAD!"

"… … _Fine_." L pouted before trudging out of the room and up the stairs, wallowing in his lack of sweet-deliciousness as Raito shook his head and picked up the assortment of supplies they would need just as-

"_I'm your biggest fan, I'll follow you until you love me! Papa-paparazzi!_"

"SHIT!"

-And there went half of the reflective lights right onto the floor.

_Fucking lovely._

"_Baby, there's no other superstar, you know that I'll be your pap-paparazzi!_"

Grabbing his phone from its dangerous spot on the table (_because really, shoving the damn thing on the floor every time Sayu messed with it became more of a temptation each and every time it freaking HAPPENED_) Raito snapped it open and growled out his normal greeting for his _lovely _little sister whom he _loved _with all of his heart (_truly_)-

"Sayu, you little _bitch_!"

Yes, you could just feel the _love_.

"_Oh, Raito dear, you simply know how to make a young girl feel SO appreciated! Honestly, queery, CAN'T YOU FE-EEEEL THE LOVE TO-NIGHT-_" His little sister's voice echoed through the receiver, filled with impish-delight.

"SAYU!"

"_Damn, cool your jets, maestro! Can't take a little Elton John in the evening?_" Raito didn't even _deign _to answer the question. "_OH_,_ MY APOLOGIES!_ _I'm outside, by the way! Just called to advise you of the fact!_"

"And you couldn't, I don't know, _ring the doorbell_?" Raito snarled as he made his way to the living room, cursing his luxury apartment for all that it was worth (_which was a lot, if you couldn't tell_).

"… … _You have a doorbell?_"

**SNAP!**

And that was the sound of Raito wishing death and destruction on all things named Yagami Sayu.

Oh, and his phone being closed.

Though both equaled the same sentiment most times, either way.

Pulling the door open with an excessive amount of Raito-Force, the trembling-with-rage artisan opened his mouth, ready to give his sister a piece of his mind-

"OH MY GOSH, RAI-CHAN I MISSED YOU AND YOUR _SWEET DELECTABLE SEXINESS FROM UP ABOVE! _CATCH ME, YOU STUDMUFFIN! CAATTCCCHHH MMEEEEEE!"

"DAMN IT, SAYU, RESTRAIN YOURSEL-"

_**GLOMP!**_

And promptly ended up on the floor, twitching in pain as Sayu giggled girlishly over his legs, random trick-or-treaters from down the hall inching further and further away from the Yagami duo.

There was a reason practically no one on his floor came anywhere near his apartment.

Raito had Sayu and L to thank for that reason.

"Get. The hell. OFF OF ME, WOMAN!" Pushing his little sister off of his poor smexy legs, Raito swiped the bangs out of his eyes and huffed. "How many times have I told you _not to freaking-"_

"AUNTIE-SAYU! WE MISSED YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUUUUUUUUUUUUUCH!"

"YAY! AUNTIE-SAYU IS HERE TO HAVE FUN WITH USSSSSSSSS!"

"Oh fuck me." Raito let his chin fall to his clavicle as two of Sayu's minio-err, two of his children raced to meet up with their demoness of an aunt. Mihael, who was donning what looked to be a hooker with a leather fetish outfit from hell grinned as Mail, who was wearing a darker version of his goggles and a damn _boa_ along with a large fedora hat, jumped on top of his aunt and hugged her rather violently. "Don't get too excited kids, she's just going to be watching the house while we go out to trick-or-treat."

"AW! THAT SUCKS DONKEY BALLS!" Mail shouted from his position against Sayu's neck.

"WHY CAN'T AUNTIE-SAYU TAKE US INSTEAD!" Mihael countered, Raito just now noticing that his son was not only wearing the sluttiest outfit _ever_, but he was sporting overly-caked make-up on top of that.

"DADDY-"

"DAD-"

Raito prayed to the God's above that his eardrums wouldn't bleed from the resounding screams about to echo throughout the hallway and living room of his apartment-

"PLLLEEAASSSEEEEE_?!_"

Only to face-fault as his prayer went unanswered.

"Do the two of you remember what happened the _last _time you spent time with your Aunt Sayu?" Mihael and Mail went into a round of silence as Sayu pulled on his ponytail, seeming to join them in the land of flashbacks.

"Well…"

* * *

_**Two Weeks Earlier…**_

* * *

"_THEY'RE CHILDREN FROM HELL, I TELL YOU! FROM HELLLLLL! AND THAT WOMAN ISN'T MUCH BETTER! ENCOURAGING THEM AS IF THEY WERE ANIMALS… GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!"_

_Raito felt his jaw fall to the ground as he dropped his man-purse and watched the nanny he had hired to keep an eye on the children when he wasn't home run from the apartment as if the fires of hell were licking at her heels, crying and blubbering about bringing in an exorcist and why God chose her to enter this hellish domain. _

_Glancing about the usually-spotless apartment, a nauseating-feeling crept into his stomach as pounds of garbage littered his floor, his tables, his couches, his ENTERTAINMENT CENTER-_

"_Uh…" Sayu poked her head out from the kitchen, covered in head to toe in what looked to be… pudding? "Hi?" _

_Raito then did what any self-respecting parent would do when coming home to find their home wrecked, completely nanny-less and the bane of their existence taking care of their __**kids**__-_

_He passed out._

* * *

"… … Sorry?" Sayu laughed nervously as she finally picked herself up and ushered the kids back inside the apartment. "I didn't mean to drive the poor woman crazy!"

Raito's eye twitched, causing the younger woman to shut her mouth and call it an effing day.

"Soooo…" Glancing down at her nephews, Sayu clapped her hands and giggled. "What are you two supposed to be, anyway."

"I'm a pimp!" Mail straightened his now-dubbed pimp-hat as he then grabbed Mihael and swung an arm around his waist. "And Mihael's my ho!"

"I'm not just any old ho though!" Mihael punched the boy in the ribs, smiling viciously as his brother wheezed in discomfort. "I'm the number one male child-prostitute in this side of Japan! SUCK IT, JAPAN! I'M TOO AWESOME FOR YOUR OWN GOOD!"

Sayu pretended not to look over at Raito as he smacked himself in the face, trying for her brother's sake to maintain the peace.

"So where's your baby-powder then Mail?! Can't be a pimp without your baby-powder!" Sayu jokingly replied with a laugh-before coming to a stuttering halt as Mail then proceeded to pull out a small bottle of baby-powder from his pocket.

"Well, hot damn! Uh… so if you two are part of an ensemble-" Sayu ignored the snort coming from Raito's direction, "what did Nate decide to be?"

Mail and Mihael then burst out into a series of giggles, making the college student all the more suspicious.

"Well…"

"You see…"

"Hello Auntie-Sayu."

"Oh!" Turning around to face the stairs, Sayu smiled up at her nephew-

Only to wish she hadn't done so to begin with.

'Oh dear God, Raito what are you doing with these kids!'

"Uh… hi?" The young girl sweat-dropped as Nate appeared before her in all his costumed-glory, dressed as a- "You, uh... You're a _cop_?! But-"

"We decided to keep to a theme." Nate supplied, twirling a pair of handcuffs with an index finger. "Do we look alright?"

'_Besides the fact the three of you look as if you're about to participate in a child orgy?! Oh, you look positively-_'

"Great! YOU LOOK GREAT." Raito interrupted before his sister could say anything else. "I think it's time to go now! L! GET YOUR ASS IN GEAR!"

"I'm coming, Rai-chan!" Making his way down the stairs, L waved over at his sister-in-law before grabbing onto Mail and Mihael and dragging them to the door. "Let's get going! The first children out and about ALWAYS get the best candy!"

"YES!"

"AL-RIGHT!"

"… … Ok."

Raito sweat-dropped as he grabbed Nate and smiled apologetically to his sister. "We'll be back later, sis! Don't miss us too much!"

"Oh, I won't!" Sayu smiled at the family as she waved them out, ready to have an awesome time of watching some horror movies, eating some candy and going through Raito and L's awesome porn collection (_this was Sayu we were talking about_) before noticing something distinctly _odd i_as they made their way out.

"Uh… Mihael?"

"Yes, Auntie-Sayu?"

"Are those… I mean, are you wearing _heels_?"

Sayu once again pretended not to glance in Raito's direction as he ended up on the floor, face-first.

Perhaps honesty wasn't a virtue Sayu should keep with her crazy, crazy family…

* * *

_**Operation Trick-Or-Treating: House #1**_

* * *

Raito and L sighed as their kids ran up to the doorstep and knocked on the door, faces eager for the trip ahead.

"You know, I wasn't so sure about this whole 'trick-or-treating' thing, but I'm kinda glad we did this." Raito admitted, grabbing onto his lover's hand as the autumn breeze flew by them, fluttering their bangs against their foreheads. "Maybe I _should _stop being so precauti-"

"GET THE HELL AWAY FROM ME, YOU FREAKISH CHILDREN! GO FIND RELIGION AND HOPE TO _GOD _THAT HE'LL HAVE MERCY ON YOUR PITIFUL SOULS! GOD HELP YOUR PARENTS, GOD HELP US ALLLLLLLLL!"

_**BANG!**_

Raito felt his neck snap rather painfully as he turned his head forward and his tiny gaggle of children ran to him, cackling. As per usual, Nate seemed to be the only non-amused one, looking more confused than anything else.

"What did you do?!"

Mail, Mihael and Nate looked up at him, air protruding innocence.

"What do you mean, daddy?" Nate replied, tucking his neat silver locks of hair within his cop-hat.

L shook his head before dragging his boyfriend away from the scene of the crime.

Sometimes…

It was just better not to know.

* * *

_**Operation Trick-Or-Treating: House #8**_

* * *

After the last house, in which Mail had proceeded to hit on the woman who answered the door and proclaimed her to be 'scrumptiously sexy and perfect for his coalition of whores', Raito announced to his significant other that perhaps it were best if he trailed after their cumbersome three-some, not wanting to scar anymore of the people the kids coincidentally came in contact with.

L had simply shrugged, knowing that once Raito had something to worry about, worry about it he would.

"TRICK-OR-TREAT!" The kids gleefully shouted as the door opened, a warm-looking older woman opening the door with a large bowl of treats laying against the crook of her elbow.

"Why, hello dears! What lovely costumes…?" Raito could feel the woman's proverbial question as she then turned to Mihael, head cocked to the side as she stared at the girlish-boy in all his smutty glory. "Oh, what are you supposed to be little girl?"

And that was when Raito hung his head, and gave up all hope of getting away from this house without incident.

"Girl?" Mihael echoed, his eye twitching erratically. "Did you just… call me… a _girl…? _You did NOT just call me a girl, oldie-McGee! OH NO YOU DIDN'T!"

"YES SHE DID!"

"OH SNAP!"

"Oh my…" Sensing the apparent danger, the older woman dropped the pieces of candy within each bag and quickly closed the door, making Raito sigh in relief.

Grabbing the three kids by the scruff of their necks (_though this proved to be difficult at first, he managed to do so just fine, much to the kids distress_), Raito marched away from the house with a newfound respect for muzzles.

'Oh my dear sweet sexy self, why do I feel as if tonight is going to be a loooooonnnngggg night?'

* * *

_**Operation Trick-Or-Treating: House #15**_

* * *

So, after calming Mihael down with the promise of more chocolate if he stopped threatening to decapitate anyone who continued to call him a girl, talking Nate out of continually hitting a puppy with his nightstick and having to pull Mail aside and scolding him for trying to increase his supposed posse of hoes _once again_, Raito was starting to get just a _tiny bit frustrated. _

"Here we go." Raito pushed the kids forward and gave his children a rather strained smile. "Let's hop to it, you guys!"

"TRICK OR TREAT!" The kids shouted as the door swung open, a rather burly middle-aged man wearing a dirty wife-beater appearing before them with a can of beer clutched to his hand.

"Uh…" Raito stuttered as the man stared at him and the kids rather strangely, feeling every bit as violated as he should have felt at that moment. "You had the porch light on, so we thought…?"

Before the man could even open his mouth, L appeared out of nowhere (_how did he manage to always ninja in out of nowhere at just the right time, damn it?!_) only to push the kids and his lover away from the door, giving the man a heady glare of DOOM! for all of his trouble.

Needless to say, the creepy pedophilic-looking man closed the door soon after.

* * *

_**Operation Trick-Or-Treating: House #27**_

* * *

Raito and L stood behind the kids as they knocked another door, L refusing to take any chances after Mr. Wife-Beater terrorized his little bunches of oats. Though they had managed to stay under the radar so far, Raito was not yet completely at ease.

"TRICK OR TREAT!" The kids shouted, their voices beginning to grow hoarse the more they shouted.

The door stayed shut.

"Try it one more time." Nate told Mihael.

Mihael knocked again, looking a bit more impatient as he did so.

"Trick or treat…?"

Still, the door stayed shut.

"Well, I guess their not-"

"THAT'S BULLSHIT!" Mihael shouted, pointing at the light. "Why the hell would they have their light on if they're not going to open the fucking door!"

"Mihael!" Raito scolded, cheeks red from not only the cold, but the sudden bought of embarrassment. "Enough! Let's just go!"

"But-"

"Trick or treat, right?" Mail had a small smirk on his face as he turned to Raito, shaded goggles gleaming under the artificial light. "Well…"

Raito sighed before moving out of the way, walking down the cobblestone walkway with a toss of a head.

"Whatever you're going to do, make it quick. L?"

"Coming!"

* * *

_**Five Minutes Later…**_

* * *

"WHAT THE HELL?! WHO WOULD DO SUCH A THING TO A WONDERFUL AND BEAUTIFUL HOME LIKE THIS ONE?!"

Raito didn't even flinch as he stared at the now completely decimated-looking house, broken windows and all.

Hopefully, whoever owned the home had insurance. Otherwise… well, it sucked to be them.

The kids snickered as they skipped ahead, merrily whispering to each other (_most likely conspiring_) as they pointed at different houses.

How they did such things and not get caught, Raito would never know.

Nor want to know, actually.

Ignorance would always be bliss when it came to these kids; and that was a firm belief Raito would stick to till the day he died, thanks very much.

* * *

_**Operation Trick-Or-Treating: House #... Uh… It's Been a Long Night, Alright?**_

* * *

"After this, we're going home, you guys."

"Aw… do we have-"

At Raito's menacing glare, all three children clamed up at once.

It seemed the night hadn't been too kind to Raito, just as he had predicted to be so.

Running to the front step of the house they stopped in front of, Mail rang the doorbell before moving to stand next to his brothers, bags already poised to take in more candy.

"TRICK OR TR-"

"RAITO-SAMA?!" Standing in front of them in all of his freakishly weird glory was Mikami Teru, stalker/kidnapper/cross-dresser extraordinaire. "HOW DID YOU FIND MY NEW HOUSE?! OH MY GOSH, YOU HAVE TO COME IN SO I CAN SHOW YOU MY HOME AND ALL OF IT'S DELIGHTS-"

Raito sweat-dropped as he felt L nearly crush his hand in a deathly grip that spoke of the now-rough-sex-to-come, eyes shining with newfound tears.

'If you love me at all, send me a miracle, and I shall be your eternal slave, God!'

"AND THEN WE COULD HAVE LOTS OF FUN TIMES-"

'WHY IS HE STILL TALKING?! WHY AREN'T WE MOVING?! L, MAKE HIM STOOOOPPPPP!' Glancing over at the older artist, Raito almost fell over as the look on L's face was twenty-times the amount of scary as it had been when Mr. Wife-Beater had been giving him and the kids a once-over.

"Uh… Mikami-kun…" Nervously backing away from the unstable maniac, Raito motioned for the kids to move away from the door as L stood stone-still, glare imprinted on his face. "We'll take a rain-check on that invitation, if you don't mind…"

"But-"

"OH-MY-GOSH-LOOK-AT-THE-TIME-GOTTA-GO-BYE!" Pulling L behind him, Raito waved at the lawyer from behind as the kids clambered behind him, knowing enough about the creepy cross-dresser to be weary of his presence.

Tonight, it seemed, had been the night of horrors that Halloween always promised to be.

* * *

"OH MY GAWD, I'M SO TIRED!" Mail yelled out as he stretched out on the floor, pieces of plastic hanging off his every limb. Mihael yawned as he laid his head against the younger boy's stomach, closing his eyes as a smile lingered over his chocolate coated lips. Nate curled up against Mihael's arm as he slept contently within his older brother's embrace, Mihael neither pushing the boy away nor bringing him closer. The old-school horror movie playing quietly behind them was paid no mind as the three boys slipped off into their dazed dreams of candy and, what their parents would guess, _dear, dear _mayhem.

Raito sighed as he put the broom back into the kitchen, smiling over at his sister and boyfriend.

"They are as good as knocked out." Raito commented, weaving a hand through his auburn-colored locks. "Do you want to spend the night, Sayu?"

"Nah, I'll leave you two lovebirds be!" The girl grabbed her bag from off the kitchen floor and gave the men a sloppy salute. "Call me soon, bro!"

"Yeah, yeah." Dropping into the seat next to L's, the younger of the two closed his eyes as well. "Bye, sister dear."

Laughing on her way out, Sayu quietly shut the door behind her, leaving only two of the apartment's occupants actually awake and semi-alert.

"Oh, Raaaiiitttoooo…"

"Stop it," Raito muttered, letting his arms clutch onto his paramour's waist as the weight of the night finally slipped off of his shoulders, "tonight has been the night from Hell, and you know it."

"But Rai-chan…"

"Nooooo…"

"But-"

"No."

"Not even-"

"No."

"…"

"…"

"How about-"

"No?"

L sighed as he poked Raito in the forehead, causing the other man's eyes to slide open. "Can we at least move into the living room, where your head against my shoulder won't be _nearly _as uncomfortable?"

Nodding his consent, Raito watched L slowly rise before waddling into the living room, clearly letting Raito himself go at his own pace. Pulling out the lollipop from his pocket, Raito slowly unwrapped it before popping it into his now-grinning mouth.

Well, no one had ever said that Raito himself would ever dub himself as _innocent_, now had they?

Ignoring the evil maniacal laughter bubbling up within his head Raito practically skipped into the living-room.

Trick or treat _indeed_.


	20. Breaking the Proverbial Limit

A/N: So...

Um...

You know...

Things happen and...

You _know_...

I really have nothing, you guys. :-/

Um, um, LEMON IN THIS CHAPTER OMG.

Did that distract you from the major lag in updating? o.o

Because if it did, _hotness. _XD Hopefully next chapter won't take forever to complete, since I'm trying to finish off WDE and polish off a few other projects as well. See all that I do for you guys? APPRECIATE IT. APPRECIATE MY LOVE FOR **_YOUUUUUU_**!

:) Marvel at it, and love me in return. Lol.

-Btw, **_THE POLL IS STILL UP ON MY PROFILE!_** If you haven't voted yet to put in your two cents in regards to where you would like to see the direction of this story take, you should do so soon since I will be putting down the poll in the next couple of weeks. ^.^ Just a note, of course.

Enjoy. (And as always, criticism on the lemon would be lov-ely...)

* * *

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family**_

Chapter Nineteen: _Breaking the (Proverbial) Limit_

* * *

Sachiko smiled as she re-entered the dining room, scaring the other residents no longer eating their dinner. Sayu, the least fearful of the six, grabbed her pair of chopsticks and shoved it in her mother's direction, lip twitching in agitation.

"Where. Is. _He_?"

"He's straightening out his thoughts," Sachiko ignored the cough L sent in her direction, the tiny smirk set over his lips too lewd to ignore, "as he should have done a long time before _tonight_. I think that perhaps, _L_, it would be prudent on your part to go out and speak with him after we're done with dinner?"

The younger man gulped at the straight-edge glare his mother-in-law sent in his direction, dark eyes widening past their limit.

"… … … _Yes ma'am_."

Sachiko grinned as she went back to her dinner, the table completely silent save for Nate's whirring noises as he pushed his chopsticks into his mouth.

"Anybody ready for seconds?"

Sayu, Soichirou and L sweat-dropped consecutively, not ready to talk back against the _real _person in charge of the Yagami household.

'Oh god, please don't let Raito inherit his mother's frightening skills of familial control in the future…' L thought to himself, sweating lightly as the woman added more rice to his already full plate.

'_Please_.'

* * *

By the time the food was all gone and the motherly stare had been vanquished (by none other than three boys with overly-congenial smiles on their faces and sugary-sweet half-assed compliments, of course), L had finally begun to worry about his sexpot-filled-with-usual-joy, who had yet to make another appearance.

With a tiny nod of recognition on Sachiko's part (and a rather obscene gesture on Soichirou's…), L made his way out of the Yagami household and prepared himself for the conversation from Hell.

Though any conversation which included an overly-emotional Raito ready to talk about his '_fe-e-e-e-lings_' was most likely to be a conversation that he would rather not have…

_Ever._

"Rai-chaaaaan…" L hesitantly called out as he opened the front door, blinking as a slumped form leaning against the railing attached to the tiny set of stairs shivered against the cooling night air, the early November weather alluding to the snowfall soon coming their way. "Raito…? Are you alright?"

"Hm?" Raito quietly turned his head, eyes dewy with moisture as his lips twitched downward in an unmistakable pout. "Oh. L…"

L almost pissed himself with how cute the man looked at that moment.

"Did you need something?"

"… Does Raito-kun feel unwell?" The dark-haired artist questioned, placing his cool hand over the younger's forehead in concern. "You've been outside for almost an hour, and I have grown concerned over your lack of presence within your family's home."

"Oh. Uh… sorry." The pout-factor increased heavily, making L's fingers twitch as the cuteness of the scene before him almost overwhelmed his senses. "Do you want me to come inside with you then?"

But even Raito's boyishly-sweet disposition (and L had to resist a snort at _that_ thought) couldn't deter him from the problem at hand.

"Raito, not even your cute pouty face holds so much power over me that I would toss aside any and all concern I have when it comes to your well-being, mental or otherwise. Whatever is the matter? Did your mother…" L glanced behind him, making sure that the older woman wasn't ready to ninja into their conversation without either of them noticing. "Did your mother… _say _something to upset you?"

"No! Of course not! I just…" Raito shuffled his feet before hanging his head, eyes lowering to the ground in what looked to be shame. "I was just thinking… about stuff…"

"Like…?"

"Stuffy-stuff?" The man provided unhelpfully.

"Raito."

"It's… it's not important!" The glowing brunette stuttered before standing up and rushing past his lover, wincing as a hand shot out and took hold of his thin wrist in a death grip that belied the other man's sickly visage. "L, can't we talk about this later?"

"Raito-kun always wishes to speak of matters of importance at his convenience! Well, I wish to speak of this _now_!"

Not used to L raising his voice (even when he was at his most angry, he generally kept his voice contained at a suitable rabid level), Raito blinked as his mouth immediately spoke before his mind could catch up with it.

"Well, I don't want to! It's stupid, anyway!"

"It cannot be classified as 'stupid' if Raito-kun wishes to dismiss it entirely!"

L blinked at the strangeness of his comment, knowing that Raito had probably taken it the wrong way… _again_.

And by the vibrant flush splashed against the brunette's cheeks and angry scowl imprinted against his lips, L would have say that he most _definitely _did.

"What are you talking about?!"

"You always speak of me pushing aside important matters to the wayside and letting them fester until they become a major problem, yet Raito-kun does the same exact thing!" Pointing a finger at the younger man now standing in front of him, the dark-haired insomniac felt his gaze sharpen as he took in his lover's exhausted frame and tired-eyed countenance. "In fact, I would even say that he is worse, because at least I recognize that I hold this as a problem!"

Instead of arguing in retaliation (which was what L was used to at this point), Raito sagged against himself and sighed, the stance making him appear older than his 24 years of age.

"… Listen, if I agree with you now and promise to continue this conversation as soon as we get home, will you _drop this_ until _later_?!"

"Perhaps." L smirked as the man shoved his hands in his pockets and stared. "… … _Fine_. Stop giving me such a juvenile stare, Raito-kun. It is entirely beneath you."

Rolling his eyes, Raito pushed the older man inside and scrubbed at his eyes, feeling as if he were about to drop unconscious at the soonest sign of a bed and silence.

'Too bad neither things are commodities at _our _precious home…'

Yeah.

Precious his _ass._

* * *

"Are you sure you have to leave so soon!" Sachiko lamented as Raito nodded slovenly, hair disarrayed and eyes drooping heavily. "I was just beginning to bond with the children!"

Raito nearly smiled as Mail and Mihael mouthed 'HELP US!' behind the older woman's grip on their small bodies, Nate settled over Sayu's lap as he tugged on his bunny's ears.

"Okaa-san, I am about to drop dead on my feet and-"

"OH MY POOR DARLING!" Dropping the two aching children from her death grip, Sachiko immediately rushed to her son's side and held his face between her hands. "You're absolutely right! You need to get some rest right away!"

"Yeah!" Sayu added in helpfully. "You look like absolute shit! How am I going to celebrate in watching/provoking your awesome man-PRoNz with L if you're all un-sexy-like and non-responsive, you jack-ass?! I swear, all you ever think about is yourself, Rai-chan!"

Holding back his own vicious retort, Raito felt his eyebrow twitch in response.

It… just wasn't worth it.

"Raito-kun and I shall be on our way, then." L provided for the ready-to-rumble brunette, grabbing his arm and hauling him away from the crazy grip holding onto his face. "Children, come. It is time to go home."

"YES!"

"FINALLY!"

"… … May I take the bunny?" Nate monotonously asked as Sayu put him on his feet, making all the woman within the room (including Raito) melt simultaneously.

"_Aw_…"

"_That's so sweeeeeet…_"

"_Isn't he freaking adorable?!_"

"Just take the damn bunny." Soichirou groaned, inching away from Nate. "… Damn little freak."

"Soichirou!" Sachiko gasped, looking every bit as affronted as newly-made grandmother should look.

Soichirou, on the other hand, simply grimaced.

"Truth! It's the _truth_!"

"Should we leave now, Raito-kun?" L muttered as Soichirou and Sachiko began to argue, the more emphatic of the two waving his hands in the air as Sachiko put her head within her hands in shame and… well, even _more _shame.

Raito said nothing else as he grabbed L hand and hauled ass, ignoring the ominous cackle that only one named Yagami Sayu would ever dare utter in his presence.

That…

_Was a bad omen. _

* * *

Raito sighed as he finished tucking in the three boys, currently settled with the youngest of the batch.

The large bunny nearly overwhelmed his miniature stature, but he refused to relinquish his hold over the stuff animal, large dark eyes tracing the older man's figure as he smoothed the blanket around his body.

"Alright?"

"Thank you, daddy." Nate whispered, a tiny smile only Raito was allowed to see perched over his lips. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight." Kissing the child on the cheek, Raito flicked on the nightlight just beside the boy's bed and left the door just a bit open, watching the boy snuggle into his bed in delight. "I love you."

"… Love you too." The boy lulled off as he smashed his face against his bunny's thick fuzzy neck and closed his eyes.

Really, if there was any reason to keep the kids…

Before he could finish his trail of thought, a dark-haired silent man (_and really, when was L anything but silent when he was able to catch a moment alone with his light-haired beauty_) with an expression cut from stone shambled his way past the tired artist, making him bite his lip in studious concern.

He had _two _options really…

And Raito had never been one for taking the "easy way out"…

As he turned on his heel and shoved his hands in his pockets in a nonchalant display of aloofness, a hand grabbed onto his ear and pulled him back-

"Damn it, L-"

"Sh…" Raito could just _feel _the smirk lying over the other man's lips as he spoke. "The children are sleeping, Raito."

Letting the snappish comeback linger on his lips until he entered their bedroom, L, with his freakish superhuman strength, threw him inside and closed the door, safely locking it once Raito hit the ground with a nice thud.

"You ass-hat!" The brunette sputtered out vindictively, rubbing at his now sore bottom. "Did you have to push so hard?!"

"…"

"…"

"… Does Raito-kun really wish for me to-"

"You know what," Raito slowly got back up on his feet, face turning an impressive shade of red, "just stick it in your pipe and smoke it!"

L tilted his head to the side and let his mouth drop open in astonishment.

"Wha-"

"SO'S YOUR FACE!"

"Raito…" L blinked as his boyfriend turned his head away, arms locked across his chest. "Did you take your medication today?"

"… No comment."

"Well, that explains your bipolar-ism…"

"Shut the hell up, L!"

"Raito," Grabbing the man by his shoulders (_effectively cutting off any escape plans before they could even cultivate within his mind_) and keeping his hold firm and insistent, L looked the younger man directly in the eyes and kept his latest perversion to himself (_for once_). "Please. I am only attempting to make you all the more comfortable before we begin speaking of your strange behavior."

"… … I'm not-"

"Really?" L cut the man off before he could even finish his not-so-firm denial. "_Reeeaaaallllyyyy_?"

Raito face-faulted, knowing that, even by his standards, his behavior _had been _incredibly erratic as of late.

"I just… I've been thinking about us." Raito kept his face purposefully blank as L took a step back and stared. "Not… not like what you're thinking, L. It was just… my mom, she brought up a good point."

"Which would be…?"

"She said that I wasn't just physically exhausted, but emotionally as well. And, I got to thinking; why is that?" Eyes widening against his sallow disposition, L's hand automatically made its way to his mouth, thumb sticking out for the chewing. "I've lived with you for so long, that I didn't think it was possible for such a thing to happen to _me _of all people. But I was wrong. I… overestimated my ability to handle everything all at once, especially by myself."

"I see." L muttered, voice muffled by the digit hanging from his lips. "And?"

"I'm not willing to give up so easily, obviously. I care about these kids so much already… but I think changing our whole lifestyle all at once was a bit too much for me to take in so fast, just like it was for you."

"Oh, most definitely." The perverted artist thought of all the sex he'd been missing in the past week (_let alone the past couple of month_s!) and shivered. "I could tell you-"

"But I wouldn't want to know." Raito deadpanned, already feeling the other man's perversion radiating off of him in waves. "Back to the subject at hand, I think that it would be best if we didn't drop all aspects of our former life completely-"

"Like the sex?!"

"-And if we attempted to keep our flow of daily life the same while the kids aren't here, so that we don't get completely thrown off-"

"So we can have the sex again?!"

"-And try to kill each other or worse, end up ignoring the other as I ended up doing with you-"

"Just tell me if I can finally tap that again, Raito!"

"-Even if inadvertently." Raito finally finished, rolling his eyes as L's face lit up with glee and child-like wonderment. "Is the only thing you took out of that conversation the possibility of sex, or were you too dazed by your own delusions to hear anything else I was saying?"

"… … If I say no to the first part, can we have sex now?"

Sweat-dropping in mortification, the slim artisan simply shook his head, knowing he would get nowhere with the older man until he gave into his wants.

And really, with the way L acted, he was surprised he had the self-control to actually _listen _to him first before attempting to molest him in anyway.

'Baby steps, Raito… baby steps…'

"Fine then…" Giving his boyfriend a small smile of exhausted agreement, knowing that the sooner he gave into his partner's demands (_and his body's own demands, really; who was he kidding?!_), the sooner he would be able to get some sleep and perhaps finishing speaking to L about this in the morning. "What do you wa-"

Raito nearly gasped as L pushed him down against the bed and toppled over him, the familiar weight of the other man's body overwhelming the artist completely. Stifled pants of breath floated over the room as the older man straddled his younger lover beneath him, the evidence of his excitement settled over Raito's lap.

"What do I want?! Raito has _no_ idea how pent up I am at the moment to realize the stupidity of his own question..." L whispered, dark eyes ablaze with something Raito hadn't seen in a long, _long _time...

_Sexual frustration._

If he wasn't so scared for his ass' safety, he would have laughed himself into an early death.

"… … Can we hold off on the kink, L?" Raito just about pleaded, not wanting to have to wake up the next morning having to explain to his children just _why _daddy was walking around with an over-exaggerated limp. "It has _been _awhile, if you get my drift."

"Raito-kun, I do not care _how_ we do this, along as we just _do it _already!"

Feeling his poor lover's sexual and intimate frustrations mingle throughout the atmosphere of the room in a stifling display of pitiful shame, Raito lifted himself up and gave the man a sweet, almost chaste kiss. Dark non-visible eyebrows shot up as hands grabbed at both sides of his face and pulled him forward, the insistent pair of lips laying against his own prying his mouth open and slipping inside.

Tearing the other man's shirt off with trembling fingers, Raito whimpered as another pair of nimble hands caressed his tightening crotch. Gently teasing with the zipper of his slacks, L laid an open mouth kiss against his boyfriend's jugular as tiny moans became louder and louder.

"L… _please_…" Kneading his pale-white skin in a sensual manner, Raito gasped against his lover's neck before laying tiny bites against his pulse-line. "Just _do it_ already."

Without a moment's hesitation, the zipper was pulled down and his pants easily slipped off of his thighs and calves, lying in a heap not two seconds later. Blinking back the shock at such a timely display of impatience, Raito immediately shivered as the shirt he had been wearing was pulled off his head, leaving him with only his boxers.

"Uh…"

Raito sweat-dropped as L gazed at his tanned torso in intense concentration, eyes dilating at the gorgeous sight finally presented to him after days and days of waiting. Pointing at his still-fastened pants, the gorgeous virtuoso bit back a smile as those met the wayside as well.

"You're in a hurry…"

"If I wait for Raito-kun to get everything done, we shall be here for hours." L muttered under his breath, glancing around their room in a flighty manner. "Where…?"

"It's right in the night-table drawer, L." Raito deadpanned, knowing it must have been a cold day in hell if L couldn't even remember where the lube was.

Jesus, what had he _done _to the poor man?!

"Thank you, Raito!" Watching the man perkily reach over and rummage through the drawer in question, Raito relaxed underneath him whilst slipping out of his underwear, not caring to waste any more time than necessary. "I believe we are just about ready to-"

"I want top."

"-And here's where I say goodnight."

"L!"

"Raito, I am sorry, but-"

"I meant I wanted to…" Cheeks flushing a bright magenta, Raito spread his thighs in order to accommodate the other man's thin figure, an action born more out of intimacy than sexual need. "I want to… ya know…"

Eyes widening in sudden comprehension, L smirked rather inappropriately. "Ride me Cowgirl Style?!"

Suppressing the urge to smack the man over the head, Raito nodded silently as the wild blush spread even further down to his neck and shoulders.

"Oh." L smirked, appearing way too smug for comfort. "Why didn't you just say so, Raito-kun?"

Once again, Raito _suppressed the urge._

_**Terrifically.**_

"You know, you are going to have to get over yourself and be the submissive _at least once _in this relationship if you expect me to keep putting out." Watching the man's shit-eating grin slowly diminish made the comment _so worth it_. "I love you, but if you think all I'm useful for is to lay under you and take it without reciprocating the favor, then we have a difference in opinion, lover."

"… Raito, my boner is almost gone. Can we just get over this already and fuck, for Christ's sake?"

"Vulgar much?" Instead of answering the uptight brunette and wasting even _more _valuable time snarking, L snapped open the cap of the lubricant and spread the jelly-like substance liberally over his fingers and palms.

Raito rolled his eyes before properly accommodating himself and spreading his legs out so as to give the man better access to his so-called 'goodies'. Letting his head fall to the side, light brown eyes barely twitched as a smooth palm ran itself down his length once again, this time slick with fluid. Holding in his breath, he concentrated on the feel of skin and nails pulling deliciously on his erection, just as two cool smooth digits circled his sphincter.

'Hah… sphincter… that's a funny word…' Raito thought incoherently to himself, not paying attention to the moans and gasps escaping his lips as that _damned hand _sinfully squeezed his cock and those fingers carefully plunged inside him, scissoring and thrusting against his tight canal.

Grasping onto his lover's shoulders without realizing it, Raito let out a low keen as that small bundle of nerves were struck by luck and precision. Adding in a third finger before he could say otherwise, L's mouth quickly covered Raito's, not being able to stand hearing such delicious noises and doing nothing about it.

Hands quickly coming up to dive into his lover's shaggy mane, Raito groaned against the onslaught of sensation taking him in from all sides, almost whining as the feel of the body that had been surrounding him just moments before was taken away just as quickly.

"Well?" L muttered before taking his boyfriend's arm and basically hefting it over his now prone body. "Make it count, Raito!"

Sweat-dropping at his lack of patience and shame (_and the random thumbs-up that only L could pull off in the heat of the_ _moment_), Raito threw a leg over L's pale skinny hip and grabbed the other's member (_gulping silently as he remembered just how painful this was going to be_) so he could position himself properly.

'_This-is-gonna-hurt-this-is-gonna-hurt-this-is-gonna-hurt-this-is-gonna-hurt-this-is-gonna-hurt-_'

"Oh fucking shit!" Raito cringed as he lowered himself down only to push himself back up, the burning pain dulled slightly by the sensation of L's hand once again gripping his erection, slowly sliding his palm against the underside of his penis as he tilted his hips upwards. "Damn, I forgot just how much riding you hurts…"

"Sorry…?" L, obviously too far gone to even pay attention to Raito's words at this point, concentrated on the hot, tight feel of his paramour's insides; loving how the burning canal stretched tautly against his lubricated muscle. "Raito…"

Raito bit back a laugh as he quickly pushed himself downward once again, yelping as the other man's engorged length hit his prostate head on, all while L began to quicken his hand's jerking pace against his own erection.

Holding onto the sheet beneath him for leverage, the 24-year-old began to lose himself against the onslaught of sensation; the fierce pain of being stretched entirely too much along with the mind-blowing pleasure of having his prostate pounded upon as L fisted him deliciously causing him to once again see stars.

Biting his lip to keep from spouting out pleas for his leisure lover to put more of himself into the activity, (as he knew L would just _love _to hold that over his head after the pleasure-filled haze was no more) the now-sweaty brunette closed his eyes and groaned internally. Yet as he continued with his own actions, Raito did not notice the small bit of movement of L's body before it was too late-

And it was _he _lying back against the bed staring up into a pair of dark ebony eyes and not the other way around.

"I apologize, Raito, but as much as I enjoyed watching you, even I do not have the patience necessary to get off at this pace, especially after our little dry spell." Raito would have rolled his eyes in exasperation at the other man's faux-bored tone had the other man's penis not been still buried inside him, smashed against his pleasure-spot in such a way. "May I?"

"… L… just shut u-"

The older artist quirked an eyebrow before grinding his hips against Raito's, eliciting a strong, keening whine from the brunette's lips.

"I suppose so then," L whispered against his ear, lifting the young man slightly off the bed by his hips as he pushed out only to recklessly push back in. Smashing a trail of sloppy kisses against his cheek, the dark-haired pervert nipped at Raito's lower lip before delving inside the warm cavern and devouring the sensual pants still pouring over from the other's mouth.

Hands shout out and raked through the other's lengthy obsidian-colored locks, ankles locking together for leverage as L continued to pound against him; _within _him with increasing speed.

It was all driving him _mad_.

"I hate you… so _much_…" Raito rasped as a low-toned chuckle rattled against his ear, tickling its outer shell. Before he could say anything else, a mouth clasped onto the conjunction of his neck and bit down savagely just as L's hips slammed into him in just the right way and pushed against his prostate with brutal strength and, now, frantic thrusts.

Knowing that he wasn't going to last much longer with the way his little (_or not so little_) pervert was tiring himself out, Raito harshly bit his lower lip and stifled his own careening shriek, attempting to stave off the inevitable just a bit too late.

Fingernails dug against now thoroughly scratched-up shoulder blades as Raito came against the hand squeezing him, shivering from the overload of sensation hitting him all at once. L came mere moments later, sighing against the abused piece of flesh he had been nestling upon.

He smirked victoriously, knowing that the monstrous bruise that was now lying upon Raito's neck would be settled that for a good week if he was lucky.

"Love you, too Rai-chan." L finally whispered, still buried inside his younger partner and loving it.

"Fucking… asshole…" The man panted with a small smile on his face, unlocking his ankles and letting his legs fall back slightly against his lover's sides.

L gave him a speculative glance before slowly leaning forward and brushing his lips against his right ear, voice a bit raspy and breathy.

"… … Wanna do it again?"

Raito blinked before shifting his body from underneath the insatiable artist, wondering if he really even had a choice in the matter whatsoever.

(_And by the gleam in L's eyes, he was pretty sure the answer was a resounding 'HELL NO!'_)

'_Well, guess who isn't going to be able to walk straight for the next couple of freaking days…_'

* * *

_**Right Across the Hall…**_

* * *

"…"

_Thud._

"…"

_Thud._

"…"

_Thud._

"Mihael?" Mail whispered, eyes wide as he stared at the vibrating wall.

_Thud._

"Yeah?" Mihael whispered in return, cringing in disgust.

_Thud._

"You know all those gay jokes I keep throwing at you?" Shifting slightly, Mail winced at a particularly hard thud.

_Thud._

"… Yeah?"

Mail grunted as he heard something hit the ground in the other room along with a fairly audible obscene groan trailing after it.

"I think I take that shit back."

Nate dug deeper in his older blond brother's hesitant embrace, not appearing the least bit fazed by the thrumming wall or the moans sliding through the incredibly thin walls. "Think they'll be done anytime soon?"

"_OH FUCK YES!_"

Mihael sweat-dropped as Nate blinked, twirling a strand of hair with his index finger.

"Was that daddy…?"

Mail and Mihael face-palmed themselves before shaking their heads simultaneously.

"I somehow doubt that all very much." Mail whispered, dropping his video-game onto the ground as he slammed back onto his bed.

Mihael hung his head with shame as Nate gripped both his rabbit and his brother's pajama top with a fierceness that even took the six-year-old by surprised, looking very perturbed and discomforted.

"… _Indeed_."

* * *

Matsuda sighed as he shuffled in front of the door and leafed through the papers within the folder he was holding, dark brown eyes restless and spaced-out.

"Ok… I'm just going to go in there and speak to Yagami-kun about all of… _this_… and get out as quickly as possible! There's nothing to worry about; my plan is _solid_! I shall not be deterre-"

"HEY ASS-FACE, WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?!"

"_GAH!_"

_**CRASH!**_

Matsuda landed on the ground in a heap of limbs and papers as, whilst he was having his daily discussion-time with himself, a small blonde child with a penchant for the color black opened Raito's front door and stared at him as if he were a moron.

"Hey, Mihael, what the hell is the matter with you?" A redhead of similar stature appeared over the blond's shoulder and blinked, large goggles slipping off of his face. "I'm trying to level up here, dumbass!"

"So?!"

"So stop being such a prissy little girl and quit your damn yelling already!"

Watching the two boys simultaneously glare at each other, Matsuda straightened himself up and coughed, re-organizing his papers in a hasty manner.

"Uh…"

"Who's there?" A sleepy-eyed child with curly locks of silver hanging over his gaze blinked as he bypassed the two boys arguing and tilted his head to the side. "May we help you, sir?"

"I, uh… I'm looking for Yagami-kun? Could you tell him Matsuda is here to see him?"

The child nodded in acceptance and shuffled through the hazy storm of half-assed glaring on his sibling's parts before turning into the kitchen.

"Father… you have a visitor…"

The manager sweat-dropped as the two boys then turned their attentions to the man in front of them…

"What a pussy." The blonde snarked before turning about face and walking away from the door.

Mail nodded quickly before doing the same.

"Agreed."

Matsuda felt his eye twitch in agitation.

"Why the hell does everyone _think _that?!"


	21. Of Rising Tensions & Points of Conflict

A/N: He-llo all you wonderful people! I'm sure you didn't expect this update to smack you in the face anytime soon…

WELL GUESS WHAT?! IT JUST _DID_! HA-HA!

Please ignore that. I believe the stress of school has finally forced me to go off the deep end. :-O Possibly. Lol.

**Important note, note, note, note**: It's come to my attention that people are becoming even _bigger _douche bags on ffdotnet and that the rules are becoming all the stricter. I cannot stand this. My account hasn't been deleted yet, but I would rather not stick around and wait for such a thing to happen. I know I would probably quit fan-fiction if it did and would rant wildly against such people for causing such problems. I'm looking for another site to post my stuff in that I know my readers could follow me without inconvenience and is easy for me to use. I don't want you guys to think I disappeared if I did do such a thing so suggestions would be nice. I don't want to make this into some kind of big deal but I really feel for the people this has happened to and I know how pissed I would be if it happened to me. Hari-Aisu thanks you! :3

Uh… I don't think there's any other pressing news. I might shorten this story, so if you're interested in that crap there you go lol. I suppose you can say I've fallen out of love with the DH universe. The amount of god awful DN crack probably did it to me. -.-; Sorry, but I feel as if I've created a monster. Idk though, it's just something I'm considering. Anyway, I hope you guys enjoy this (at most) mediocre chapter. Don't know when I'll be able to post next because of finals but I'm hoping soon. Thanks guys! :-D

* * *

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Twenty: _Between Rising Tensions and Points of Conflict_

* * *

"Uh…" Matsuda gulped as he entered the kitchen, arms still full of files and papers. "Nice… kids…?"

L scoffed as he shoved another chunk of fudgy-deliciousness into his mouth and scratched the heel of his foot against his jeaned calf.

Raito gave the man a thinly veiled glare before pushing out a chair and nodding towards the table. "Sit down before you give yourself another face-plant, Matsuda."

"Why, thank you Yagami-ku-" Not noticing the random toy laying right next to his left foot, Matsuda felt himself drop down in slow-motion as the slew of papers still in his arms then flew all over the floor in a series of arm-flails and yelps. "OH SH-!"

_**CRASH!**_

"-it."

"_SHA-BANG!_" Mail called into the kitchen, waving his PSP in amusement before popping back into the living room, voice echoing back to the three adults still inhabiting the large area of space. "Hey, Mihael, that guy falls on his ass more than you and daddy do on a daily basis, and that's a freaking accomplishment!"

"SHUT THE HELL UP, MAIL!"

"WELL MAKE ME, SUCKA!"

"OH, WITH PLEASURE ASSFACE-!"

_SMACK-CRASH-BOOOOOM-TUMBLEOF__**DOOM**__-POOOOOOOOOOWWWWWW!_

"YOU-YOU-YOU-!"

"Yeeeesssss…?" Mihael subtly provoked, the smirk clearly hanging off of his voice.

Mail, apparently, wasn't too prideful to not make use of his _Ultimate Weapon™. _

"_**DDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAADDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY!**_"

"… … Hm." Raito blinked before popping a grape into his mouth and savoring the burst of flavor against his lips and tongue. "That wasn't surprising in the least."

To which said _Ultimate Weapon™ _promptly ignored his son's call and continued to shove grapes into his mouth as the sounds of war and chaos echoed from his living room and reverberated painfully off of the kitchen's sterile white walls.

Let it be known that even Raito knew when to throw down the gauntlets and call it quits.

As all this was happening, Matsuda groaned as his leg twitched, throwing up a half-hearted thumbs-up at his two 'friends.

"… I'm ok…"

Though, truthfully, no one cared.

_It sucked to be Matsuda._

"How is Matsuda doing this fine day?" L shoved another spoonful of treats into his mouth, staring at the man in bland disinterest. "Discounting the concussion and ass-plant he just gave himself, of course."

"Ah ha…" Picking himself up, the ditzy manager brushed himself off and plopped down within the chair offered to him (_finally_). "I, uh… well, I'm good. Totally fine. But enough about me, I'm here to see you two! Particularly you, Yagami-kun! Hey, Yagami-kun, how are you doing by the way? And you too, L? You guys good? Everything alright? No problems whatsoever in paradise? THAT'S AWESOMELY SUPERIFIC! YOU GUYS… ARE SO AWESOME. Seriously."

L turned to his significant other, spoon hanging from his lips in question to his lover's manager's shit-fit.

Raito simply shrugged, being so used to Matsuda's random mood-swings, it was actually a little sad.

Or really sad.

Raito didn't like to delve too much into the sadness of the equation, really.

"… … Awesome." Matsuda once again echoed, laughing nervously as the two artistic prodigies in front of him stared at the superbly flighty manager as if he were retarded.

Sadly enough, they probably weren't all that off the mark at the moment.

"Matsuda, was there something you needed to discuss with me?" Raito monotonously questioned, quirking an eyebrow at the now-scattered papers littering his usually-pristine kitchen floor.

"OH-MY-GOD, YES!" Sputtering out of what looked to be embarrassment, the papers were collected in mere seconds and instead were laid back into the man's lap, the wide-eyed look of nervousness not dissipating in the least. Eyeing him with a peculiarity that put most men to shame, Raito turned over to his lover and gave the artist a rather disengaging smile, automatically setting off L's 'Raito's-About-to-Bullshit-You!' senses.

"Hey, L-"

"No." L answered immediately, licking the crumbs off of his face as he did so.

"But-"

"Nope."

"L-"

"Don't want to hear it."

"You don't-!"

"-Want to hear it." Shoving his spoon back into his mouth, L gave the man sitting before him a bland stare of disinterest. "Exactly."

Raito's face turned a rather unflattering shade of red (_though L would say otherwise_) as he pointed at his live-in lover and sputtered.

"NO SEX FOR A WEEK IF YOU INTERRUPT ME AGAIN!"

The entire house became eerily quiet as L's eyes widened and he whimpered unconsciously.

"Now, as I was saying…" Raito cleared his throat as he once again gave L his most flattering smile, his former tantrum immediately forgotten in the face of such sexilicious-sexiness. "Do you mind going into the living room and spending some time with the kids while I speak with Matsuda about whatever it is that's bothering him?"

"_What_?! Oh, Hell n-"

"I'll make it worth your _while_…"

"Well, I'll be in the other room if you need me, Raito-kun." L immediately grabbed his bowl of banging-greatness and gave Matsuda a wink (_Matsuda didn't even want to _know _why_) before strolling out of the kitchen with a spring in his step.

"Do I even want to know what it is you're going to do to 'make it worth his while'?" Matsuda deadpanned, eyes glazing over with morbid curiosity.

Raito felt his eye twitch, brown bangs brushed back as he swiped a hand over his forehead.

"… … What do _you _think Matsuda?"

The older man sweat-dropped as he gulped silently, shaking his head fervently.

The less he knew about his client's sex life, the _better_.

And yes, Matsuda had indeed learned that fact the hard way.

* * *

Seven Months Earlier…

* * *

"Hey Yagami-kun, I have the files for you ready to sig-OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL ARE THE TWO OF YOU DOING ON MY _DESK_?!"

"CAN'T YOU SEE WE'RE BUSY?!"

"Matsuda, you're nose is bleeding again…"

"OH MY GOD, MY EYES! MY BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL EYES!"

* * *

Matsuda's eye still twitched thinking about it.

* * *

"What are you doing, L?"

The dark-haired artist didn't even respond as he grabbed the remote right out of his 'son's' hand and ignored the glare his oldest child sent in his direction, plopping down on the leather couch with heaving sigh.

"L, why are you always so damn mad all the time?!" Mail proclaimed as he jumped up from his spot on the ground.

"I think it's cuz he needs to get laid." Mihael stated unceremoniously.

L snorted. "That's not a problem, even with you three in the house."

"… … _Thanks._" Both boys muttered as they turned back to the TV and proceeded to blank out what they just heard, the other night's 'events' still forefront in their poor psyches. Instead of basking in the afterglow of such parental-sex-induced trauma, L turned his head to the side-

Only to be confronted with a pair of impossibly dark eyes so very much like his own.

'Well that can't be good.' The pale man thought to himself as he quirked up an eyebrow and stared back at the devil-child now inhabiting his third son's place.

"Can I help you?" L snapped in his regular monotone, eyes widening just a bit more for added effect.

Instead of being creeped out (which was L's original intention) Nate also widened his own gaze and tugged on a stray curl of silver hanging over his nose, leaning forward in silent challenge to L's stare.

Mihael and Mail turned their heads at the sudden shift into silence and felt their jaws dropped at the scene in front of them. L, sitting in his customary position kneeled over the cushions in a upward fetal position pose stared dully into Nate's own wide-eyed gaze, the younger boy placidly gazing into L's own disturbing eyes with little to no interest whatsoever, all whilst lazily pulling on a random strand of hair which had been laying limply over the bridge of his nose.

Both boys subtly shifted away from the man and boy settled within their own world, severely scarred from the experience being forced upon them. Pulling their sights back to the television in front of them, both Mail and Mihael silently promised to never bring up this incident ever again.

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"RAITO, I'M LEAVING YOU!" L suddenly yelled out, wincing as he tumbled out of his customary position and hurled a maelstrom of curses within his head.

'DAMN YOU DEMON CHILD!'

Nate silently smirked as L thought this, re-affirming his position as creepy within L's mind.

"MAKE SURE TO TAKE ALL YOUR SHIT WITH YOU, DUMBASS, AND DON'T COME CRAWLING BACK TO ME WHEN YOU GO THROUGH SEX-WITHDRAWALS, BECAUSE I SURE AS HELL KNOW THAT UHAUL ISN'T GOING TO HELP YOU WITH _THAT_!" Raito's voice reverberated throughout the living room, causing the three child to simultaneously blink and then shiver on cue.

L simply pouted, not surprised that he hadn't been taken as seriously as he would have liked.

"… … … DINNER?"

"AT SEVEN!"

"_Fine…_" L sighed, waving over at the children as he did so. Mail and Mihael waved back…

Nate simply stared, his eyes burning with a sour vehemence that L didn't even think possible for a three-year-old.

'… _Creepy brat._'

* * *

"What the hell, Matsuda." Raito deadpanned.

"I'm sorry!" Matsuda cried out, flinging his arms in front of his face.

"What. The. _Fucking_. _**Hell**_. Matsuda."

Cringing at the amount of loathing set within the words spat into his face, the usually naïve manager began to shake in realistic fear (who knows what Raito could do to him and set up as an 'accident' after all). "I said I was _sorry_!"

"Sorry does not make up for this _catastrophe_!" Raito spit out as he stared at the multitude of papers stretched out in front of him, brown eyes large with hysteria. "Do you understand what you've _done_?!"

"It's just two weeks!"

"HAVE YOU SEEN L?! HE CAN BARELY SURVIVE FIVE MINUTES WITHOUT ME, LET ALONE TWO WEEKS!" Raito waved his arms emphatically, biting his lip as he let his eyes slip off to the side where the kids were currently situated. "And did you forget I now have _kids_?! KIDS, MATSUDA! KIIIIDDDDSSS!"

"Ah…"

"Oh my God, you totally did."

"How many times do I have to say I'm sorry?!"

"And L can barely take care of _himself _let alone a child! Which means I'm screwed! Because I don't just have one, I have _three_!"

"C-can't you ask your mom or sister to-"

Raito gave the older man a baleful glare full of so much malice it actually startled the poor manager into a moment of silence.

"Right. Stupid question." Matsuda murmured underneath his breath, dark brown eyes full of sorrow. "But I didn't mean to book you for the exhibition in New York. They requested you, Raito, and these are _big name critics_. With their blessing, you'll be the new darling of the art world. I didn't have a _choice _here! And if you cancel now-"

"I can kiss my career goodbye." The honey-eyed father finished off, letting his head fall onto the table with a large 'splunk'. "Why, why, why, why-"

"C'mon, Yagami-kun, cheer up! This isn't all _that _bad! I mean, you have two months to get ready for this as will L! I think you're not looking at this for the opportunity it is!"

"Oh really." Raito snarled sarcastically. "Opportunity, you say?"

"Of course!" Matsuda enthusiastically pointed upwards, the large grin on his face alluding to God knows what. "Yagami-kun, this will give you the break you deserve, both from the kids and L, and this will give L the chance to bond better with the kids! He'll _have _to interact with them without you here! IT'S BRILLIANT!"

"Oh my God…" The usually snarky brunet stuttered as he stared at his giddy manager. "You actually said something _smart_ Matsuda."

"It does happen on occasion." The older (if much more immature) man smirked triumphantly.

"Ok, don't push it, Candy-pants." The smirk then proceeded to fall off Matsuda's face not even a second later. "But that doesn't take away from the fact that you've made a very good point, Matsuda. Remind me to give you a cookie later."

"SCORE!" _Note to self: commence happy dance later in the privacy of my own room and shower myself with many pats on the back_. Matsuda thought to himself as he did a little mini-jig within his chair. "I love Raito cookies."

"Riiiight…" _Note to self: a change in managers is definitely recommended if I wish to be taken seriously at what I do. _Raito felt himself move away from the older man, eyes shifting from side to side so as to not have to look directly into the balls of sunshine that were Matsuda's eyes. "Now, all _you _have to do is take care of the transportation and we'll be all set!"

"How do you plan on telling L that you're going to be leaving soon?"

"… … Well…"

"Yagami-kun?"

"I don't have to tell him anytime _soon_ do I?"

"YAGAMI-KUN!"

"Enough with the dramatics already, Matsuda!" Raito grouchily stated. "It's not that big of a deal."

"Yagami-kun, I think L needs at least two _months _to prepare himself for something like this, not two measly _days_."

"I wouldn't drop the bomb on him two days in advance!"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"... Ok, maybe I would, but still! I _probably _wouldn't!" Raito glanced down at his nails so that he wouldn't have to look Matsuda in the eye. "… … Maybe. Sort of. I'm still thinking about it, actually."

Matsuda gave the man a strung-out look, eyebrows just about hiding within his hairline. "L will _hate you for-everrrrr_ if you tried to hide something like this from him until the last minute Yagami-kun…"

"Just let me take care of it." Raito snapped, signaling the end of the conversation with a snap of his fingers. "If I paid you to think about anything other than my art I think your brain would implode anyway."

"Yagami-kun, that's _mean_!"

Raito gave Matsuda a simple look.

To expect anything less out of the man, Matsuda realized, was simply lunacy.

* * *

"God Damn it!" A loud voice echoed off the walls of the large building causing a multitude of birds to go flying off into the smoggy sunset. "Why is it whenever one of your pubic hairs gets caught in the zipper of your damn jeans you always come running to _me_?!"

L smirked as he stared at the gigantic afro/mannishly hairy combination that made up Aizawa, thumb already set on his lips ready for some chewing action. "Pubic hairs…?"

"IT'S A DAMN METAPHOR YOU FREAKING PERVERT!" Grabbing the younger man and hauling into his apartment, Aizawa nearly punched his client in the face in a fit of agitation. After L had moved in with Raito, Aizawa had expected his blood pressure to go down, having faith in Raito's ability to sex-out all of the problems within his and L's relationship.

That had been a misguided dream at best.

His doctor's bill would be enough to attest to that, thanks very much.

"I swear to freaking God, it seems like you bother me more now that you have a permanent ass attached to your dick than when you had to actually go out and look for it." Not noticing the slightly disturbed (and partially turned on, he wasn't going to lie) look set on L's face at the mental picture dancing around within his head, Aizawa continued on his verbal rampage of afro-spectacular doom and destruction. "Instead of taking the easy way out and just letting the boy do what he wants, you always have to argue with him and blow things completely out of proportion! Damn it, he already lets you do kinky shit to him when he least expects it and gets caught up in your freaky-deaky sexually-deprived behavior, the least you can do is let him think he has _some _sort of control in that messed up thing the both of you like to call a relationship God damn it!"

"… … Is Aizawa alright now?" L asked after a brief moment of silence.

Aizawa's mouth twitched as he leaned forward and took in a deep breath. "… … Yeah. I'm just _peachy._ So what's up, the-artist-formerly-known-as-a-man-whore." Aizawa rolled his eyes as L didn't even twitch at the insult, eyes wide as ever. "You and your sexy stud-muffin have another argument, or are you here just to piss me off… _even more than I already am_."

"I just needed to get out of the house. Those kids, particularly the youngest one, were beginning to irk me."

"Why didn't you just freak him out like you do to every other kid you come in contact with."

"Didn't work."

Aizawa gave the younger man a brief stare as he dropped the cigarette he had been playing interloping within his fingers. "_What_?"

"It's almost as if the little bastard is completely immune to all of my social deficiencies. If I was any less of a person, I would think he was trying to copy me, to be quite frank." L didn't notice the freaked out look on Aizawa's face as the words 'copy me' nearly made his brain explode. "And quite frankly these kids are beginning to take a toll in my relationship with Raito. The youngest one seems especially attached to him and if I didn't know any better, I would think he was plotting against me with the way he stares at me at times."

"Do you ever think that, _maybe_ it's because you don't, I don't know, _interact _with them enough?"

"Why would they need _me _to interact with them? Raito's their supposed 'mother'. Can't I just…what is it father's do? 'Bring home the bacon'?"

"Uh… L, I know you don't have much parental guidance to go by, but usually a child needs tender love and care from _both _parents, not just _one _of them." Knowing that he was essentially teaching a two-year-old how to be a 'daddy', Aizawa stuck his cigarette in between his lips and thought of his own wife and daughter and what would happen if _he _took on the approach L seemed to be adapting to so wrongly. "You ignoring them could cause of whole _slew _of mental and emotional problems for them in the future, and your cute relationship with Raito might not last all the much longer if you keep pushing to them side like you're doing."

"BLASPHEMY!" L chocked out, the thought of not having his delectable man-candy beside him nearly causing him to go into cardiac arrest. "You lie, sir!"

"L… don't question me and my 'fro under these strenuous circumstances. _Ever_."

"Aizawa, just looking at you, I can assure that I am not the first to ever 'question' you. Or your afro. Or your hairspray. Or Jerry-Curl-Juice. Or your-"

"I GET IT. Leave the hair products out of this or you can get the hell out of here Liberace!"

"I'm nothing like Liberace…" L sullenly grumbled.

"SHUT IT AND LISTEN TO ME DAMN IT! YOU'RE GOING DOWN THE WRONG PATH. D-E-A-L WITH IT YOU IDIOT INSTEAD OF REPRESSING IT AND KEEPING QUIET ABOUT IT LIKE YOU USUALLY DO!" The afroed-man gave the younger man a pointed stare. "You _love _Raito, right."

L nodded.

"_And _you _trust _him implicitly?"

Another nod.

"THEN TALK TO HIM DAMN IT!" At that Aizawa calmly stood up before giving the younger man a thumbs-up. "And that's Aizawa's moment of knowledge for the day. Now get the fuck out and let me go masturbate in peace."

"… … I shall never have an erection ever again." L silently despaired as he trudged out of the apartment, Aizawa's words (and cackling) rewinding themselves over and over within his head as he desperately tried to find a solution to his set of problems that _wouldn't_ completely destroy his way of life and _not _drive himself crazy by trying to be something he was not.

'… … This is going to be a long walk isn't it?'

* * *

'_Hm…_'

Nate stared at the block in front of him, dark charcoal-colored eyes nearly enveloped completely by his pupils as he sat…

_And waited_.

'_He left two hours ago, and daddy IS still in the kitchen… perhaps now would be an ideal time to __**implement **__my plan._'

Moving the block with his forefinger, Nate tilted his head to the side…

_And plotted_.

'_Yes, now would be the best time to trigger everything in motion. He has monopolized daddy's time for far too long, and I can't take it anymore. He is MY daddy, not HIS. If he wishes to have someone to play with, he can find his own playmate now that we are here._'

"Uh… Nate…?" Mail hesitantly called out to the boy, backing away as the boy's empty stare didn't even swivel in his direction. "Um… are you ok…?"

'_Perhaps I could lock him out of the house and set the neighbor's dogs on him… he did say he was allergic, didn't he?_'

"_Nate-chan…_"

'_Or perhaps I could catch him when he is bathing; stick the radio he likes to listen to inside the bathtub and sneak out quietly whilst no one is looking…_'

"NATE? ARE YOU IN THERE, PER CHANCE?!"

'_Daddy will be mine to play with… oh yes. And not even L will be able to stop me from making him completely and utterly mine._'

"DADDDDDY NATE IS BEING CREEPY AGAIN!"

Raito sighed as he stared at his youngest son out of the corner of his eye, recognizing the deceiving face of innocence implanted on the boy's pale face after so much time dealing with L's own faux oblivious nature.

This was obviously not going to end well.

_**DING-DONG!**_

Snapping out of his thoughts Raito quickly stood up from his spot within the kitchen and made his way to the door, mind not completely where it should be. Ignoring the children as they laughed at him (he would _not_ admit to almost hitting the wall out loud, thank you very much), the golden-eyed artist didn't even blink as he opened the door-

"HIIIIII RAITO!"

Only to curse himself silently before trying to slam the door in his little sister's face, eyes large and wide with panic.

"RAITO!" Sayu screeched at the first swing towards her face, for once not having expected such a volatile reaction from her brother (kind of).

"GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE, SAYU!"

"WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS BIG BROTHER?!"

"I SEE BAGS! _BAGS_! YOU ARE _NOT _DOING WHAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING, DAMN IT!"

"RAITO DON'T MAKE ME GO INCREDIBLE HULK ON YOUR ASS! YOU EFFING KNOW THAT BRUCE BANNER HAS NOTHING ON _ME_!"

Mail and Mihael gaped at the scene going on in front of them as Nate calmly chewed on his bunny's ear.

This house was interesting to say the least.

_**SLAM!**_

"OH MY GOD, SAYU MY FUCKING NUTS!"

Raito whimpered as he slid down onto the floor. Sayu didn't even blink as she tossed her bags into the apartment and strolled inside.

"Oh, _Rai-chan_," Sayu tsk-ed as she dropped her last bag-o'-crap on the floor and waltzed over to her hyperventilating older brother still groaning in agony, dark brown eyes gleaming with sadistic delight, "I'm only here to help! I've decided that since I'm on my school vacation this week, I should become acquainted to the newest additions to our family! My mission during this week is to make sure that you and your hubby are as… _comfortable_ as humanly possible during my time here and to learn all I can about our lovely boys. _What _in _God's name _would prompt you to think anything _bad _was going to happen with my staying here?"

Raito felt his eye twitch as his little demonic sister cackled (_good naturedly, of course_) her way into the living room, leaving the artist to wonder one thing-

'_Why, oh why, does life hate me so?_'


	22. Bonding of the Fatherly Kind

A/N: I do NOT feel funny right now. How I wrote a majority of this chapter, I do not know. But if it isn't funny, you guys know why now. I'm just not in a ha-ha sort of mood.

I know. Bummer right? -.-;

I'm not really feeling any of my fics right now. I'm trying but it's just not there. Is there going to be some random note stating 'OH MY GOD I'M SO DONE WITH FAN FICTION! Wah.'? I have no idea. But I do know that the lag all of my fics are experiencing right now is due a lot because of personal crap that you guys wish to know nothing about (I'm on to you fanfic readers... ON TO YOU I SAY!) and lack of wanting to continue my writing at the moment, so there's all of your explanations.

Damn, now you know I must not be feeling alright if I can't even conjure up a proper excuse. Boo-hoo. T.T Don't know when the next chappie will be up but I'm trying you guys. I'm totally like the little engine that could… only slightly less awesome and a lot lazier (writing wise). ^.^;

Btw, some of you may recognize a portion of this chapter from somewhere else. Now you get to see where *it* all fits in. :-D

Disclaimer: I don't own OHMYGODMOOOOOOOOSE! Death Note. What? I said nothing. ;-)

* * *

Title: _**The Fundamentals of Family **_

Chapter Twenty-One: _Bonding of the Fatherly Kind_

* * *

"I hate you."

"Uh huh."

"So. _Much_."

"So I've been told."

"You don't even understand the _strength _of my hatred, let alone how much there is to give."

"Riiiight."

"You do realize you're probably going to die in your sleep tonight, don't you?"

Sayu sighed as she threw the rest of her bagel at her brother's head. "After hearing that threat over and over again for the past 20 years, I can officially say that I am no longer 'scawed' Rai-chan."

"STOP CALLING ME THAT!"

"By the way," Sayu continued near-obliviously, "where the hell is your seme? Is he… don't you dare tell me… is he _neglecting your needs_ Raito?"

"Sayu…" Raito's face began to turn a vicious shade of red.

"I AM SO GONNA BEAT HIS ASS IF HE HASN'T BEEN POUNDING YOURS YAGAMI RAITO!"

"DAMN IT SAYU, THERE ARE KIDS-IN-THE-HOUSE!"

"Cuz it's not like you haven't _already _scarred us for life or anything…" Mihael muttered underneath his breath.

Mail, for once, said nothing as he slapped himself in the face.

Oh, _the images…_

"We are not that bad!" Raito spurted out fruitlessly.

All three of the children simply stared at him whilst Sayu once again cackled in the background.

"Daddy, I think I've seen more penis shots this last week than I ever had at our resident bathroom at the orphanage." Nate quietly admitted. "And we usually shared with all the boys all at the same time."

"…"

"…"

"Oh… my… BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Ignoring Sayu's cackling, Raito blinked at the sudden thought eclipsing his nervous breakdown. "So you guys used to watch each other taking… poops…?"

Nate simply blinked while Mihael and Mail smirked mischievously. "What else would we be doing in the bathroom daddy?"

"Hehehehehe… and this is the future of the Yagami family." Sayu giggled. "Oh my God, I love you guys. Raito I think you literally couldn't have spawned a more awesome bunch of miscreants. Kudos on picking such a frighteningly spectacular bunch bro! Hopefully they'll grow up to be just as nympho-rific as you and L and launch me into millionaire heaven!"

"Mutilate you… oh so slowly…" The now-rabid brunet muttered under his breath, eyes flashing a scary molted red.

Four simultaneous shudders ran down the three children's and young sister's spines, speaking only of future chaos and spurts of anger to come.

Sayu, however, was the only one in the room who actually looked _forward _to it.

* * *

L, on the other hand, seemed to be quite lost within his own world.

"Uh…" The dark-haired artist scratched the calf of his leg with his foot, blinking slowly as he took in the green scenery surrounding him. "Hello?"

Literally and figuratively it seemed.

'_This is what happens when you daydream about sexual fantasies and walk at the same time! Not only do you end up getting a boner (nice!) but you manage to get yourself lost as well! Cute L Lawliet! Realllly effing cute!_'

Woefully glancing down at the object within his pants that was now ten times harder than it was not even five minutes ago, L lamented his own faulty (if incredibly sexy and mind-numbingly satisfying) perverseness.

His greatest strength just _had _to be his greatest weakness.

How cliché.

Pulling out his cell-phone, L absently dialed the series of numbers he knew by heart, the foliage around him actually doing nothing to weaken his libido.

Was it strange that trees seemed to turn him on even further.

'_Hm… something to investigate with Raito one of these days…_'

"_Hello?_"

"Raito-kun." L smiled as he stared at his feet, sneakers torn up and ragged after years of wear-and-tear. "How are you doing without me, my snookie-bear?"

"_Don't make me break your arm and eat it, L. I'm hungry for blood and you and your penis are the easiest targets at the moment._"

"Why is that Rai-chan?"

"… … _It seems that… Sayu would like to spend the next couple of weeks here helping out with and getting to know the kids. L, you need to get the hell home and distract me because I think I may lose what's left of my mind if you don't._"

"Ah… about that…"

"_L?_"

"I seem to be a bit… lost Raito. I may be a little while in getting home."

"_Lost? How the hell did you manage that?_"

"Let us just say that your ass should come with many different warning labels and leave it at that, Raito-kun."

"_You were daydreaming when you should have been paying attention to where you were going again weren't you?_"

"Probably, maybe, Soooo, are you with the children right now, Rai-chan?"

"_No. Sayu took them out after I nearly disemboweled her with a stapler, claiming I needed to work on my anger and… sexy-time issues._"

"I did not know you _had _any sexy-time issues Raito!" L cried out, a flurry of birds flying off behind him. "Where am I when you always come down with these sorts of issues? Why am I never present when Raito-kun is ready to bend over like a two-cent whore and-"

"_WOOOOAH! Pump your brakes, Pervert-o! I never said I was-_"

"Allow me to give it to him like he deserves! I can attend to Rai-chan's needs! DAMN IT RAITO LET ME ATTEND TO YOUR NEEDS AND GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE! PREFERABLY NAKED AND ALREADY PREPPED PLEASE!"

"_Didn't you say you were lost…? How the hell would I manage to do something like that when _you_ don't even know where the hell you are?_"

"…"

"…"

"I hate you, Raito. _So much_."

"_That's not what you were saying last night…_"

"Why must Raito-kun tempt me with his unnaturally scrumptious goodies when I cannot reciprocate the favor with my soon to be candy-coated disco stick? I am ready and raring to go, not knowing where it is I may be with a smexy boyfriend ready for some action of the freaky assortment, AND I AM NOT THERE!"

"_L… you're kind of starting to scare me now_."

"But I can fix this." L straightened out his shirt, hands shaky with anticipation as he scurried about the mini-field and looked for a bush in which to hide in. "Raito-kun will just have to make do with what he has and satisfy me with his voice. That shall be easy enough."

"… … … _Wh… Wh… WHAT THE FUCK! YOU WANT ME TO HAVE PHONE SEX WITH YOU? NOW?_"

"Aw, Raito-kun did not need me to specify what it was I wanted him to do." L grinned as he jumped into the nearest source of shrubbery and began to shuck off his pants, not lowering his voice even one decimal. "That, in and of itself, is _sexy_. Now tell me…" the monotone of L's voice was especially emphasized now, mocking the sensuality of his next question, "what is Raito-kun wearing?"

"… … _That is the most disturbing and cliché thing you could have said to me, L. I feel as if I can no longer be with you if only because of your unoriginality. You usually try harder to freak me the hell out._"

"Would it help Raito-kun to know that I am situated within a bush with my pants around my ankles already stroking myself to Raito's increasingly whiny voice?" L stated, staring down at his hand which was now stroking his impressively large shaft. "Or that I am imagining all the ways I shall be torturing Raito-kun tonight once the kids are in bed and all of the items I may be using to assist me in doing so?"

"_Why does your weirdness get me horny instead of freaked out?_"

"Rai-chan, you are just as bad. Let me not bring up the situation that cannot be named."

"_You mean when I-_"

"Yes."

"_Tried to top you and accidentally shoved a-_"

"Why must Raito-kun bring this up so spectacularly? Safety word! I DEMAND A SAFETY WORD! Oh God the horror…"

"_So far up your ass that you actually cried for a week? You mean that time? Huh?_"

"Raito! I am losing interest! Tone down the traumatic events before I cum out of sheer desperation to forget everything that has to do with you topping!"

"_Jeez, as if you haven't ever shoved _that _up my own ass…_"

"LESS TALKING, MORE GRUNTING!"

"_When have I ever grunted during sex? That's just plain unsexy!_"

L let his back give out and let body relax against the grass beneath it, hand still wrapped around his penis, twisting it delightfully as Raito's shrill voice played against his ear. Giving a small grunt of his own, the pale-skinned artist arched his back, not noticing the sound of footsteps coming closer to his… bush.

"I love it when Raito-kun groans then. Especially when it's me he's groaning for." Fingers slipping over the shiny cap of his head, a tiny exclamation huffed out throughout the clearing, unheard by the man pleasuring himself in public. "Please just once… I'm so close to getting off… Raito's nagging gets me hotter than even trees do."

"_Trees? What the hell…?_"

"Is Raito-kun going to moan or not?"

"_Ugh… fine…_"

A low masculine moan filled the slouchy painter's ears, hand quickening as another familiar whine caused him to close his eyes and lift his knees, the top of his knees poking out of the shrubbery. With Raito's milky voice prodding him forward, L fell over the precipice of his own orgasm, biting his lip to tone down on the huffed out shout wanting to leave his lips-

"OH MY GOD, EXHIBITIONIST! SOMEBODY CALL THE COPS!"

And blink down at his cum-filled hand, wondering why his first thought had been 'my penis can talk now?' and not 'oh my god, I just came in my hand and I have nothing to wipe it with!'

It was a show on just how little of L's sanity was left really.

"I've got to go, Raito-kun. I will try to get home as promptly as possible."

Raito murmured something in agreement, seeming to be under a trance after L's little 'escapade'. Clicking the line off, the artist smirked in accomplishment.

'Made you cum didn't I Rai-chan…'

Slowly getting up after a small, but still very satisfying, mental victory dance, L brushed off the stray leafs and branches poking his back and backside, blinking at the people who had caught him in the 'act'.

L stared back at the little girl and mother now staring at him, pants still wrapped around his ankles and limp penis waving slightly in the breeze.

"You wouldn't happen to know where we are right at this moment would you?" L asked the mother without hesitation.

"P-park… park… oh my God, park…"

Pulling up his pants, L wiped his hand on a bunch of leaves and walked away from the stunned pair.

'_Hm… at least I know where I am now_.'

* * *

_**One week later…**_

* * *

"Don't we look agitated?" The long-haired college-student whistled as her tormented older brother entered the kitchen, the dish within her hands being washed with tender love and care. "Somebody must've got some last night after I went nightie-night…"

"Shut up, Sayu." Even if he did, Raito would never admit it out loud. Both knew that Sayu's disturbing need to know about her brother's sex life was more than disgusting to Raito… even if he did indulge her from time to time.

(Though that was only because he knew just how sexy he was… the least he could do was share that sexiness with his sister in the least disgusting way possible. And make a profit while he did so)

"Hey, Raito?" Sayu called out to her frazzled brother, snickering as he limped around the kitchen in an obvious attempt to hide the result of all of L's nightly poundings. "I've been meaning to ask you… have you noticed anything strange about L and Nate's relationship?"

"Huh?"

"They… don't really get along all that well do they?"

"What do you mean?"

Sayu gave the older man a strained look, wondering how a man so ingenious could also be so… so…

_Stupid_.

"Weeeeelll…"

* * *

"_Hey L!" _

"_Yes Nate?" _

"_I'm bored." _

"_Alright…" _

"_Hey L!" _

"_Yes Nate?" _

"_Entertain me please?" _

"_No." _

"… _Hey L?" _

"_Yes Nat-OH MY GOD MY PENI-"_

"_L!" Raito shouted as he flailed into the room. "Don't say that word! Watch your fucking language already! Damn it!"_

"… … _My… snicker-doodle…?"_

_Nate secretly grinned as he picked up the block he had been 'playing' with, now harmlessly set on the floor next to L's prone body. _

"_Sorry." _

* * *

"_WHO ATE THE LAST OF THE MARSHMALLOWS? I specifically asked that if any sugar was at its last dregs to please notify me immediately so that we would be able to re-stock-SO WHO DIDN'T NOTIFY AND WHY?" _

"_I did. I'm sorry I forgot to tell you, but they were so yummy and you were working on your new sketch…" Nate, who was cuddling with Raito within the living room, stared up at L's livid expression with an angelic look upon his face, eyes welling up with tears. "Did I do something really bad, L-papa?" _

"_OH MY GOD HE CALLED YOU PAPA, L! ISN'T THAT SO CUTE!" _

_Sayu flinched as the empty plastic bag clenched within L's fists began to crinkle, knuckles turning a vicious pinkish-red. _

"_Simply… _a-dor-able_…" _

_Nate pulled on a lone strand of silver, lips conspicuously tugging upwards against Raito's shoulder._

* * *

"_My… paints…" L stared down at his now ruined acrylic paints scattered on their hardwood floor, mouth dropped open in shock. "My brand new paints…MAIL! MIHAEL! NATE! WHO DID THIS AND WHY?" _

_Mail and Mihael both shrugged, for once free of any misdemeanors. Nate, however, trudged up from behind, hands held outward-_

"_YOU EVIL SON-OF-A-"_

_And covered entirely in paint. _

"_L!" Raito shouted as he ninja-ed in from the kitchen, eyes enflamed in red. "WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU WERE ABOUT TO SAY?" _

"… … … _Me love you long time?" _

"_Oh, trust me… you'll be doing something for a long time..." Raito cooed sweetly as he grabbed all three children and pushed them all out of the room. "BUT IT WON'T FUCKING BE ME!" _

_Mouth dropping open, L could swear that the grin now smothering most of Nate's face could blind the sun, silvery eyebrows furrowed deeply in a demon-like expression. _

_Sayu nearly smacked herself with the dishrag in her hand, wondering if L had finally met his (tiny) match. _

* * *

"_Oh… fuck…" The thoroughly exhausted brunet moaned as pale hands rubbed the contours of his back, toes curling in euphoric pleasure. "That's… that feels nice." _

"_And I can make you feel even nicer…" L whispered into his lover's ear, body already sliding behind the prone artist sprawled out on the bed, ready to partake in his favoritest activity evah. "Just keep relaxing and let me take care of the re-"_

"_DAADDDDY!" A young, not quite male, voice broke through the haze of relaxation settled over the two men, causing the younger of the two spring up- "I HAD A NIGHTMARE! CAN I SLEEP WITH YOU?" _

_And the older of the two to become acquainted with the ground. _

"_Come in, darling, the door's open!" Raito practically fucking sang out (in L's opinion), pulling his shirt over his head whilst simultaneously attempting to spruce their bed up at the same time. "Tell daddy all about your dream ok!" _

_And in popped the child of Satan, all dark-eyed and silver-haired, mussed from what could be assumed sleep. Raito prompted the boy to step forward, the spot next to him already laid out for the three-year-old to come and cuddle with him. _

_L could only muse that that was _his _spot… _

_His hard on also agreed. _

_Tuning out the rest of the conversation, L grabbed a pillow and left the room in a huff; Raito staring woefully at his back, confused, and Nate giving the same blank-eyed gaze as usually, the slight smirk tainting his would-be serene expression a bit scary to someone actually paying attention to it. _

_Once again, Sayu sighed as she walked out of the room as well, turning off her camera and ignoring the obstinate squawk her brother had to give. _

'_Guess I'm not getting paid this week…' _

* * *

"I still haven't forgiven you for that by the way." Raito stated dryly.

"Forget my source of income for a second and think about what I'm telling you, Donatella Ver-fucking-sace!" Sayu ignored the disgusted look on the artist's face at the name given to him, her expression explosive. "Your lover and your son _hate _each other! W-T-F Raito! W-T-MOTHERFUCKING-F!"

"Isn't that kind of redundant…?"

"YOU MEAN LIKE YOUR MOM?"

"We have… the same…"

"Are you listening to me, Raito? You're never going to get a proper lay if you don't fix this. PREFERABLY WHILE I'M STILL HERE TO FILM DOUCHE-BAG!"

"First off, _ew_. Second," And here Raito gave a slight pause _just because_, "I have a plan… so please, chill out already."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"Like, really?"

"_Yes_."

"Oh thank god… I couldn't make do if I wasn't able to say that my brother was getting the shit screwed out of him nightly." Sayu smiled as she threw up a thumbs-up (which was _not _appreciated by Raito). "Your sexy-sexiness and bang-bang sessions mean the world to me Raito. Especially when it's L who gets to exploit the lot of it and it's me that gets to witness it… _first-hand_."

"GET THE HELL OUT SAYU!"

Watching the young woman pout before leaving him and his kitchen in peace, Raito crossed his arms around his chest and laid back against his counter, wondering if his supposed 'plan' was really going to work.

'_Well, if this doesn't work do you have any more bright ideas slick-rick?_'

Raito flinched as a dull knob hit a particularly sore spot in his back, ass still reeling from the fight he had had with L just hours before whilst everyone had still been asleep (And by fight he meant sex. Lots and lots of kinky sexy sex).

'_Nope. Not in the slightest._'

* * *

Dark eyes stared at the hunched figure in front of them, silvery white hair cascading over said eyes in a mixture of tussled curls. A toy army figurine lay clutched within the small boy's arms as the man in front of the child continued to ignore him with a passion. He could feel the love.

"What are you doing?" Nate asked straightforwardly, masking all of the hesitation the boy felt at the moment. The man's hand twitched at the sound, as their meticulous two-finger grip on their paint brush tightened in just the slightest of fractions.

If Nate thought he was weird, L was on a completely different plane of strange altogether.

"Painting." L stated unnecessarily. The canvas in front of him was blank, however, completely devoid of any color other than white.

The boy was distracting him, of course, and L didn't take too well with meaningless distractions.

Where the Hell was Raito when you needed him?

"Oh." Nate quietly said.

A moment of silence.

'Yes, stay silent and out of the way, you creepy child of the corn! Inspiration, here I come!'

"When is daddy coming home?" The hushed, monochromatic voice questioned.

L's eyebrow twitched.

_Sigh._

"When both Mihael is done clothes shopping and Mail has completed purchasing the new video game he just 'had to have in order to just survive.' Your father should be home after all this has been managed." L answered blankly.

L couldn't see the boy, but he did manage to hear the shuffling of sandal-clad feet making their way to the other side of the studio. L glanced over his shoulder, staring at the small boy as he sat at the farthest corner of the room. Nate began silently playing with his multitude of (Mostly Raito-bought) toys and action figures.

This was supposed to be L's alone time, where he could work uninterrupted without any disturbances whatsoever, but noooooo...

He got stuck with the most annoying (and creepy! don't forget creepy!) kid on the planet. And why was that?

_"You don't spend enough time with the kids, Lawliet!" Raito angrily snapped as he crossed his arms over his chest. "Especially with Nate! It's as if you have something against him in particular..."_

'Against one of the original 'Village of the Damned's own children? Now why would I have a problem with that creepy little brat?' L grumbled silently to himself. Saying so out loud, however, was most definitely not an option. He did want to get laid tonight, after all.

Thus, the words that would come out of the 31-year-old's mouth would haunt him for the rest of the day, making the stoic artist even more misanthropic than he already was.

_"What would make Raito-kun happy with the situation?"_

The manic gleam in the younger man's eye did not bode well for L Lawliet.

Not well at all.

Now here he was, trying to get to work and not being able to - all for some kid that gave him the hee-bee-jee-bee's.

Hmph.

Stupid Raito and his 'parental concerns.' What did he know, anyways?

* * *

_**A Few Hours Earlier...**_

* * *

_"So I'll be back in a few hours, ok? It shouldn't be so bad, right?" Raito smiled angelically at his youngest child and... well, he guessed L could be considered the oldest of the four. Just with... side benefits. _

_Such as being able to sleep with said 'daddy.' That was normal, right?_

_Raito knelt in front of Nate, his eyes softening at the sight of his son pouting at him, even if it was all very subtle. These two were more alike than either cared to admit. "Can't I just go with you, daddy?" Dark eyes widened slightly, the cuteness of the whole thing almost making Raito just cave in to the boy's pleading. "Please?"_

_Raito grinned once more as he wrapped his arms around the smallest boy, tiny hands immediately reaching to pull the 24-year-old even closer. "Nate..."_

_Neither noticed L steaming angrily at the sight..._

_But Mihael and Mail sure did._

_"L looks ready to lose it, dude." Mail glanced up from one of his many brand spanking new hand held as Mihael took a step back from the seething artist. _

_"Think he'll spontaneously combust if we poke him with something sharp?" Mail joked as he began playing with his video game. Mihael would have responded back, but L's frightening glare shut him up rather quickly. _

_L was scary when he was pissed._

_"I'll be back soon, sweetie." Raito pulled back from the embrace (finally) and kissed Nate on the forehead. "Be good for Lawliet, huh?"_

_Nate nodded sullenly, reluctantly pulling back from his father. He stole a glance at the other man in the room, before going back to his toys._

_Raito walked up to L, careful to make sure both Mail and Mihael were preoccupied with something else (Mail; video games, Mihael; chocolate) before a scary look came upon his beautiful face. _

_"L, I swear to God if you don't bond with the boy, I will make sure there is absolutely no sex of any kind for the next three months." Raito whispered harshly to the hunched over artist. "Make. Him. Feel. Loved, Damn it!"_

_L internally whimpered as Raito's glare deepened._

_His lover wasn't fucking around. _

_"I'll be back by four! See you both later!" Raito returned to his gleeful self whilst grabbing the two oldest boys and waving back at his youngest. Nate stared at the retreating figures in longing, while L's eye twitched. (It seemed to be doing that a lot lately.)_

* * *

_That_ was at 12:30 p.m.

It was now 3:00 p.m. and no effort towards bonding of any kind had been made in the least.

'Bonding, bonding... how the hell do you bond with someone who gives you the willies? Damn you, Raito. Damn you and your sexiness to hell.'

L sighed once more, resignedly putting down his unused brush, walking over to where the young boy played. The 31 year old sat down (crouched down) a couple feet in front of Nate, watching as the boy's droopy stare met his own wide eyed one.

O.O

o.o

O.O

o.o

This went on for a good five minutes, before L finally broke the silence.

"You don't like me."

It wasn't a question of any sort.

"And you don't like me."

And what L would soon learn was that Nate could certainly give as good as he could get.

"I don't like having to share what is mine." L retorted. Nate finally blinked before tilting his head to the side.

"You don't have a problem 'sharing' with either Mihael or Mail." The silver haired boy replied.

"That is different." L stated evenly. "You're annoyingly clingy and take up almost all of his time."

The 'him' in the sentence didn't have to be specified.

"I disagree." The four-year-old cut in, sounding infuriatingly older than his youthful visage implied. "I believe it is you who takes up most of his time. You never even let him breathe."

"Do not."

"Do to."

"Do not."

"Do to."

"Do not."

"Do to."

"We are not getting anywhere with this discussion." L opted out of the childish game, pouting slightly. "Can we simply agree to disagree in this case scenario?"

Nate hummed his agreement. "That makes sense."

"But you must understand, I will not let go of Raito-kun without a fight." L stared unblinkingly into the small boy's equally strange gaze, poison dripping off his every word. "He. Is. Mine."

Nate simply smiled as he picked up one of his many toys. "If you say so."

L's eye twitched once again.

"I'm home!" A tenor voice called out within the spacious apartment as the front door was slammed open.

Two children's voices also invaded the formerly silent apartment as Mihael and Mail ran to L and bombarded him with their purchases and adventures of shopping. Mihael continued chewing on the expensive brand of chocolate Raito (of course) had purchased for him while entailing specifics of why his chocolate was so perfect as Mail went into detail about the game he had gotten Raito to purchase (not to mention the other three he had managed to weasel out of his father, as well), but L was not paying the slightest heed to them as they both jabbered on.

"Daddy!" Came the unusually silent Nate, steadily walking to the 24 year old with multiple bags in his hands. Raito dropped the bags carelessly on the floor and picked up the small boy, holding him close to his chest.

"And how was everything while I was gone? Lawliet took good care of you, right Nate?" Nate smirked (Hah! See? creepy!) at L discreetly, both man and boy locking eyes from across the room.

"Fine. L and I had so much fun daddy, but we have lots more fun together. Just you and me." The monotone boy told his father with as much affection as he could muster (which really wasn't much, but still). Raito smiled in glee as he continued to snuggle the boy closer to his person.

Nate's smirk grew that much wider.

'Oh, this means war, you little snot nosed brat!'

L's eye twitched... again.

"L, are you ok? That eye of yours has been doing this weird twitch thing for the past month, and a half and it's kind of got me worried. I'll schedule you a doctor's appointment for next week, if you want." Raito nodded motherly at his lover.

"I'm fine!"

L's eye twitched twice this time, as Raito blinked at the man's outburst.

L was pissed the fuck off, and his magically twitching eye was the least of his problems. This kid had to be taken down a few notches, and he would do it all with a smile.

Or a well placed, wide eyed stare.

_Whatever_.

* * *

"RAITO, HE IS A DEMON." L cried out as he unnecessarily shut their bedroom door, bloodshot eyes full of rage and sexual dissatisfaction. The children were all out with their Auntie Sayu, being corrupted in ways that even Raito himself probably wouldn't be able to understand. "Do you not hear me? Your youngest 'son' is a sex-sabotaging, pain-distributing, creepy little demon!"

"Uh huh."

"DEMON!"

"Right…"

"DEEEEEEEMMMMOOON."

"… … Do you need me to call the nice people with the hug-yourself-jackets, L? Because you're kind of starting to scare me now…" Setting down the strawberry-flavor lubricant that he had been ready to open, Raito gave his boyfriend an even stare, contemplating an assortment of things all at once. "L, I have something I need to ask you…"

"Yes, Raito-kun?" L's crazy-eyes seemed to pop out of his head, the dark circles underneath them creating a bugged out illusion that freaked even Raito out. Tremulous hands twisted behind the younger man's back as he leaned as far back away from the strung out painter as possible.

"How would you feel if… say, by some freak accident… that you had the kids to yourself for a couple of weeks? Hypothetically speaking, of course!"

Raito held his breath and closed his eyes, waiting for the inevitable shoe about to drop-

Onto his face and then possibly up his ass.

Though he could get rid of the possibly. Raito _knew _something was about to be shoved up his ass.

'_And he gets mad when I shove things up _his _ass…_'

Oh the _hypocrisy_.


	23. This is Why We Can't Have Nice Things

A/N: WHAT THE WHAT? THE FUNDAMENTALS OF FAMILY HAS BEEN UPDATED? HEEEELLLLL YEEEEAAAAAHHHHH!

Yeah, yeah, I know, miracle of miracles and all of that. In my defense I would have had this up a lot earlier but my USB (WHICH STUPIDLY HAD THE ONLY COPY OF CHAPTER 22 AT THE TIME AND WTF IS THE MATTER WITH ME?) died a _very _sudden death. :( I was not a very happy Hari-Aisu. But I finally finished it and now wish to present it to all of _you_ in all of its semi-caffeine-induced horror. ME LOVE YOU LONG TIME YES?

By the way, as I was re-writing this chapter (which I thought was much more awesome than the original anyway) I realized that I always seem to make Aizawa a BAMF of epic proportions. Or his afro seems to exude BAMF-vibes in any case. BRAIN STOP TRYING TO MAKE AIZAWA'S AFRO MUCH MORE AWESOME-TASTIC THAN IT SHOULD BE. I just kept getting images of Aizawa running towards me with his afro swaying to and fro, arms wide open and gutter mouth spewing swears I haven't even heard of… Gaaaahhhhh you can tell I be so tired. -.-; I hope you guys enjoy and please tell me what you think!

I thought it was funny anyway… BUT WHAT DO I KNOW? OTHER THAN I OVERUSE CAPS LOCK. AND PERIODS. A LOT. OMFG STOP IT BRAIN JUST GET TO THE CHAPTER ALREADY! :D

Disclaimer: IT'S NOT MINE BIATCH!

* * *

Title: **The Fundamentals of Family**

Chapter Twenty-Two: _This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things_

* * *

Raito held his breath as he stared at his significant other, who seemed momentarily shell-shocked by his admission.

A long moment of pure, tension-infused silence blanketed both artists.

Brown eyes widened against their owner's consent.

Nostrils flared furiously.

Pale skin flushed cherry red.

Honestly Raito didn't know if L was going to start raging or have a cardiac-arrest.

Neither was a pleasant scenario, though he knew which one would be simpler to deal with.

_Was it sad that the cardiac-arrest was the aforementioned 'simple' option? _

"Raito-kun…"

"Yes, L?"

"Why are you saying these things? These ridiculous, horrible, _horrible _things?"

"Um… because they're true?"

"No…"

"L…"

"Raito-kun, no."

"L, you're just in sho-"

"RAITO-KUN, NO MEANS NO. NEIN. NON. _NO!_ THERE IS ABSOLUTELY NO WAY I SHALL BE DOING THIS! IS THERE A SAFE WORD FOR THIS? I DEMAND ANOTHER SAFE WORD FOR THIS TYPE OF SITUATION IF NOT. MY DISCOMFORT IS EXCEEDING EVEN MY _OWN _STANDARDS OF DEVIATION!"

"L, you're being completely irrational!"

"No, Raito. Irrational is expecting a 30-year-old man-child to not only take care of _himself_ but entrust him with the care of three insane children who are not only volatile and unstable but absolutely, positively, irrefutably DESPISE HIM."

"I don't hate you, L!" Mihael popped out.

"Neither do I!" Mail added in.

"…"

"Nate…" The overly-emotional blond and shifty redhead stared at the silver-haired child with a stink-eye to rival all stink eyes.

"… No comment."

Raito sweat-dropped as the strange child shuffled out of the room, the large teddy bear limp within his grasp sadly scraping the ground with its clown-like feet.

Overall, the light-haired artist could see what L was talking about now.

"It'll only be for a couple of weeks and you know I'll have people constantly checking in on you and the boys! If I could take them with me I would but this deal is much too big to put on the line and I won't have time to watch them and negotiate as well! L, out of everything we have been through, the things we have done to each other, the things people have done to _us_, are you seriously going to have a stage-three crisis at the _thought_ of having to watch three kids that are essentially your own?"

"I did not wish for this responsibility Raito! If you wish to leave then I cannot stop you, but do not expect me to assist you in this matter, ESPECIALLY IF IT INVOLVES THAT DEVIL CHILD!"

"OH SNAP!"

"Hot damn, it looks like we've got a badass over here you guys…"

"… I cannot find my toy car."

Both Mihael and Mail turned to glare at their younger brother, eyes burning with indignation. "What?"

"There's something seriously wrong with you Nate."

"I believe that my lack of social graces do not compete with your tendency to defecate yourself within large crowds Mihael."

"OI YOU SWORE YOU WOULD NEVER SPEAK OF THAT INCIDENT AGAIN!"

"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I KNEW I SMELLED SOMETHING WEIRD ON THE RIDE HOME FROM THE MALL THREE WEEKS AGO! MIHAEL POOPED HIS PANTS!"

"Indeed."

"Nate, I am going to punch you so hard your soul is going to walk with a limp for the rest of your life!"

"How is that even possible?"

"Bitch I'll make it possible!"

"Hahahaha Mihael used to be a badass but then he took a poop in his pants. It was all downhill from there."

"Damn it Mail I will fucking END YOU!"

"You swear a lot for a child."

"STOP PICKING ON MEEEEE!"

Raito sighed as he stared at the three tumultuous children now spread out on the floor, one laughing obnoxiously loud, the second throwing a fit of epic proportions and the last fiddling with his silver hair like a cute… little… teddy-bear…

"OH MY GOD I AM GOING TO SNUGGLE THE _CRAP _OUT OF YOU!"

L gaped uncharacteristically, eye ticking awkwardly. Nate smirked over Raito's shoulder.

That sneer had _not _been imagined damn it!

"Raito did you forget that I was speaking with you?"

The auburn-haired artist hummed as he held the smallest child to his chest, eyes glistening with pearly tears.

"What were we talking about again?"

"… … I am leaving."

"L!" Raito cried out with the demon-child still cradled within his arms. "You can't leave! Who will… I mean… damn, you must do something around here."

"Raito-kun is not helping the situation!"

"I mean, come back! You'll be… missed?"

The slim-bodied brunet winced as the sound of the door slamming reverberated throughout the entire apartment. The tiny bundle still huddled within his arms snuggled against the embrace, pouting at the loud noise. The two unhinged boys barely even noticed, however, as Mail still seemed to be laughing at the blond child's misfortune and Mihael silently fumed at the sight.

Not sure whether he should feel badly or not, Raito continued to cuddle his son and hoped that this was a phase that would dissipate quickly.

L's penchants for dramatics exceeded Raito's own by a landslide and who knew what that man would get into his head while fuming. Besides sexy-times. That was always a given.

* * *

__"Dad…?"

Once the shock of his lover's abrupt exit finally seemed to penetrate through the stupor-induced cloud floating around their father's head Mihael, Mail and Nate watched helplessly as he slipped away from the trio with a disconcerting vacant expression on his face. Shuffling into the bathroom, Raito didn't even think twice as he slammed the door shut behind him.

Nate blinked as Mail and Mihael both stared at the closed door, not used to this new side of their father.

"Is he alright?" Mihael shrilly whispered.

"This is all L's fault." Nate spoke softly, the words escaping his adorable lips in a slither.

"Maybe we should call auntie Sayu?" Mail, who usually was the troll of the group, questioned pragmatically.

Though in all actuality points were lost instantly as it was _Sayu _he wished to contact first and not someone with a bit less… crazy.

"This is why I told the both of you we should have gotten rid of L when we had the chance."

"He would just get even more annoyed than he already is. Daddy likes L Nate, get the fuck over it already!"

"L must be exterminated."

"Just a little harsh little man!"

"Do you think L's coming back tonight?"

"Hopefully not."

"DUDE." Mail pushed Mihael out of his line of sight ("HEY? WHAT THE FUCK BRO?") and glared down at the little gremlin in front of him. "What the heck is your problem? You have been against this man for no reason at all for the ENTIRE TIME we have been here! Are you on your rag or something? Bleeding out of your mangina? Visiting your Aunt Flo… FROM YOUR ANUS?"

"He is unnecessary." The silver-haired child muttered. "And was all that really necessary for that fact?"

"YOUR FACE IS UNNECESSARY!" Mihael cried out, tired of being ignored.

"…"

"…"

"And… um… SO'S YOU'RE FACE."

"Ri-ight…" Mail backed up a step, sure his oldest brother was a chocolate bar away from choking on his own rage.

"Moving on." Nate dropped the gigantic toy on the ground and stared up at his older brother with an ill-easing apathy that irked the redhead out of his mind. _Tremendously_. "I find myself at odds with L because I realize that he does not want us here. In not wanting us here his continuing presence within our home ensures that at any given moment we may be thrown out of our new abode and put back within the orphanage. I do not want this. Do you?"

Mail and Mihael glanced at each other.

"Well?"

"Uh, Nate…"

"What?"

"Um…"

"Daddy is right behind me isn't he?"

"How did you guess?"

Raito's normally bright honey-colored eyes were red-rimmed and narrow, a combination that both saddened and frightened the youngest of the brood. "Nate I think you and I need to have a little _chat_."

The smallest child sighed quietly as he held the toy giraffe closer to his chest.

The only word blaring through his mind right now was "BUSTED!"

* * *

__L laughed maniacally as he spun around within his rolly-chair (as he had re-named his bar-stool), one beer in one hand… and another beer in another.

You would think both Raito and L would learn that alcohol never solved their problems.

"Please don't spray me!" Matsuda cried out as a torrent of bitter alcohol lathered his hair, staring longingly at the door to their far left. Three hours after his boss' lover had called him and _demanded _that he treat him to a drink after the hellish afternoon he had spent with his 'skank of a boyfriend' (once again, L's words not Matsuda's) the younger man had had enough and contacted the one person scary enough (besides Raito) to even _attempt _to bring L out of his alcohol-induced mania.

"L, I think you've had enough." Matsuda grimaced as L stared at him through sleepless eyes… sleepless eyes made of vacant black holes filled with hate and sexual frustration…

"I think I shall have some more." The sloppily put-together man dead-panned with the vilest glare the manager had ever seen. "Wouldn't you agree Mastuda-san?"

"Yes sir, of course sir. Please don't hurt me, sir."

"Now Matsuda-san is finally getting in the mood of things!"

"Aah… L…"

"Matsuda-san where is my drink?"

"IT'S UP YOUR ASS NOW SHOVE OFF AND MOVE OVER YOU PSYCHOTIC MISANTHROPE!"

L swiveled his bar-stool and cried out in joy, his arms slapping outwards in a fit of explosive bliss.

At the expense of Matsuda's face.

Matsuda's stupid, replaceable face.

"AIZAWA!"

Obviously it was of little consequence.

"BITCH I SAID MOVE!" The large-afro being that many both loved and feared shoved the artist off of the bar-stool and stood over him, his puff of hair looming over his drunk client like a haze of magnificent hair-products.

"I feel as if the hostility within the air just reached pinnacle heights…" Matsuda ducked as Aizawa threw a beer bottle at his face. "I'm sorry, ignore me please!"

"L, you are a lazy, selfish, deeply-phobic man with parental issues and a dick complex!"

The dark-haired drunkard didn't even flinch. "… … Your point?"

"You don't see anything wrong with what I just said?" L seemed to be more concerned with the sway of his hair than the words coming out of the older man's mouth which really wasn't anything different from the norm. Usually, however, Aizawa hadn't been called out of his home during his family time by a timid manager with no back-bone whatsoever and even less of a brain. The explosive businessman barely had any tolerance for L's behavior on the _best _of days and to see him acting like such an imbecile whilst he could be making a play for some _Aizawa Adult Play Time_ was INFURIATING BEYOND BELIEF.

"Well Aizawa could have separated 'parental issues' and 'dick complex' a bit further from each other but other than that…"

"You are going to get up," Aizawa began slowly, quietly, and most importantly, _threateningly_ "you are going to go to the bathroom and you are going to wash your face. You, insignificant person whom I want to beat. How many has he had?"

"Uh," Matsuda trembled within his seat, holding up two hands and hesitantly lifting all ten fingers.

"What the fuck is the matter with you? Are you as stupid as you are incompetent?"

"May…be….?"

"L GET YOUR SHIT. IF I STAY HERE ANY LONGER I WILL KILL THIS BITCH. I WILL KILL HIM _DEAD_."

Matsuda squealed before shoving off of his own stool and running out of the bar, dark-brown eyes watering and arms waving after him. Aizawa silently congratulated himself, smirking once the idiotic manager was out of his sight.

"I knew I still fucking had it."

* * *

__Raito sprung up immediately, the first crash (which sounded like a door slamming) echoing throughout the tranquil apartment like a riotous hurricane in the rainiest of seasons. A torrent of crashes and slams followed thereafter, a strange yoddle-like screech reverberating off of the hallways in an eclectic battle cry. It sounded as Spongebob Squarepants had had an orgasm in his pants after a very rambunctious encounter with Patrick's… Krabby Patty.

And now Raito needed to throw up at the mental image.

'_Delete, delete, delete, delete, delete._'

Cautiously making his way down stairs, already knowing who it was he would find there once the emphatic grunts and hollers of 'INJUSTICE!' and 'L HATES THESE LINENS! WHY DOES RAITO-KUN INSIST ON USING THESE _LINENS_?" began to replay over and over again.

The overly-flamboyant artist gave a small prayer before he made it to the last stair, hoping against all hope that what would greet him was not what he thought was waiting for him.

"L DOES NOT AGREE WITH THIS FURNITURE ARRANGEMENT!"

_**CRASH!**_

"L HAS WON YET AGAIN!"

Raito held back the sigh lingering on the tip of his tongue, breath used instead to enable the Anger Management techniques his counselor taught him. "You do realize that was YOUR computer desk you just destroyed, don't you?"

"… L still wins."

"Oh my God if this is you drunk please don't ever let me suffer this again. I beg of you, in the name of all that is sexy, which obviously includes me, stop this madness!"

"Madness? THIS IS L'S APARMENT!"

"YES AND THIS IS RAITO'S APARTMENT AS WELL NOW SIT YOUR CANDY-ASS DOWN BEFORE I VIOLATE YOU WITH YOUR OWN PAINTING UTENSILS AND CALL YOU GIMPY FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!"

"Raito-kun that is not even funny." A suddenly sober L halted in his wild-armed rampage, dark eyes impossibly wide and frightened.

"You know you would like it too."

"Why must Raito-kun continue to disintegrate L's libido with such ideas? L IS NOT PLEASED!"

"Why the hell are you yelling? We _are_ inside, there is no reason to yell at me when I haven't even started any type of commotion!."

"L IS NOT SURE WHY HE CONTINUES TO SHOUT BUT SHOUT HE SHALL."

"O…k…"

"L ALSO DEMANDS SEXY TIMES IN RETURN FOR HIS PAIN AND SUFFERING."

"First off I refuse to even come near you with all that sticky stuff practically pasted onto your shirt and chin. I DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS." Raito interrupted the unstable drunk before he could even speak, eyes wrinkling with disgust. "Secondly, why the fucking hell do you keep referring to yourself in the third person?"

"IT IS WHAT L DOES BEST."

"Didn't we agree that shouting was unnecessary? Why are you still shouting?"

"IT IS ALSO WHAT L DOES BEST. BESIDES SEXY TIMES. AND REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. AND EVERYONE ELSE. AND… and… I think I confused myself. Why am I still even talking…?"

"That's a good question."

L's sudden sobriety hit him quickly… and if he were honest, with a mild case of vertigo. "I suppose that today's hysteria along with my alcohol-blood level must be concurrent towards my current aptitude towards shouting."

"Wow that almost sounded smart L."

"Raito-kun I am still most displeased. I demand compensation for my emotional distress immediately. Why are your clothes still settled over your body and not scattered amongst the wreckage littered upon the floor?"

"Your come-on's leave something to be desired." The younger man snapped back. Raito refused to even _think _about taking his shirt off when all this mess was wreaking havoc over his OCD.

"Raito we have been together now for about three years." L stumbled over a flipped-over lamp as he chased after his fidgety lover. "Do I even have to try at this point?"

Raito didn't even turn around as he made his way into the kitchen, arms already pulling forward and reaching for the Swifter and mop. "I am _so _going to get a blow-up doll for your next birthday."

"Mm-hm."

"And I'm going to leave the house with just you and the kids and leave you to your own devises."

"Right…"

"And let you unleash all of your disgusting fantasies on the doll so you can leave me alone already."

"Raito-kun it is no fun if your partner cannot contribute to the action. Or scream 'L WHAT IN GOD'S NAME ARE YOU DOING WITH THAT THING AND WHY DO YOU HAVE IT SO CLOSE TO MY RECTUM?' Or Raito-kun could substitute rectum with oral-cavity. In this case, _L is not so picky_."

Raito bellowed with laughter, especially once spindly hands came round and caught him by the waist. The tender pressure put upon the indent of his hipbones reminded the younger man of who it was that had him, who it was that he had chosen to continue this path alongside. "You do realize you're still going to have the kids for a couple of weeks and this means nothing right?"

"Why does Raito-kun keep insisting on ruining this illusion?" And there went the Swifter along with the rag that had magically appeared itself into Raito's hand.

"Because Raito-kun has sadistic tendencies and knows you have horrible coping mechanisms?"

"Now who sounds ridiculous?" L smirked victoriously.

"Do you want a blow-job or not?"

"L IS IN AGREEMENT WITH WHATEVER RAITO-KUN SAYS."

"And that's how I win."

"… … _Damn it_."


End file.
